This Week:
* CHEEKY NICE - Kentish Town game show
* HAMBURGER - Autotuned
* FLUORIDE - Enemy or menace?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dicking around
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | whist waiting for life
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to start... together"
B3ta email 542 - 17 Aug 2012
Tape this issue on a C90 & pretend it's a podcast:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue542
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Last week we gave you the chance to get 40% off
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This week they say they've got 250 more of the
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making nice, fruity smells
>> Cheeky Flippin' Nice game show <<
"We stood outside the Job Centre on Kentish
Town high street, paid a couple of random
people a tenner and took them into our
basement," confesses superdonal. "One of the
rounds involves them stroking Mr Susan's Willy.
I don't think we paid them enough." Nice to see
some local, Kentish Town sponsorship involved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuYIvHJXvNw&feature=plcp
>> Cat + controller <<
"Here," begins Sheep! (aka Max X), "Is a film
about a clever cat that's had enough of his
human." A terrifying vision of a world turned
TOPSY-TURVY.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Controller
>> Rambling on about the economy <<
"I've tweeted Robert Peston about this," pines
somegreybloke, "but he hasn't replied." What
has gone wrong with the economy, explained in
terms an idiot could understand. And would use.
Also, nice video thumbnail painting by
Jamie Gibson.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rambling_on_about_the_economy
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Home Science
Last week we asked for your home-made science
experiments, especially those involving bangs
and fire. Some of these you can even do without
killing yourself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/homescience/
* UNKNOWN DEVICE - "Went to the city highway
dept, looking for coloured glass, as they were
taking down the old incandescent traffic lights
and replacing them with LED arrays. The guy in
charge pointed out the scrap heap and told me
to help myself. In the heap I also found a
strange thing, shaped approximately like a
bell, mounted on a bracket. I asked what it was
but he shrugged, "Maybe one of those detectors
to control the lights? You know, the kind that
beeps and looks for an echo?" Sounded fun to
me, so I took it along with the lenses. Closer
inspection back in the workshed showed that it
required standard household current to run via
two wires sticking out the side. So I did what
any idiot would: I attached a power cord to it
and plugged it in. No microwaves emerged.
Nothing dangerous happened. But inside my
12'x12' workshed I did now have a fully-working
air raid siren. It took me a half hour to stop
shaking and to hear properly again." (The
Resident Loon)
* POO CUISINE - "Some friends and I decided to
microwave a piece of human excrement. Though it
was but for a fleeting few seconds, the results
were clear: 1) a marginal increase in the
excrement's temperature, 2) a diabolical smell
that remained for several months. It didn't
smell of excrement so much as a diseased soul."
(Gertcha_cowson)
* CUSTARD - "It's possible build a flamethrower
from some custard powder, a weed-sprayer, a car
battery and some wire. Blow a nice cloud of
custard powder into the air over a hot wire
and, if the consistency of the cloud is right,
it produces an impressive fireball six or eight
feet across. Top tip: not all the powder burns.
Some of it settles on the ground. If, as you
are playing with your flamethrower, you walk
around, this is not a problem. If you stop
moving and do three or four burns in one place,
a decent-sized layer of fuel will build up
directly in front of you. The slight breeze
generated by the fireball will disturb this
layer and you will experience the joys of a
secondary dust cloud explosion. These can be
surprisingly violent and damage trousers inside
and out." (SonofRojBlake)
This week's question also brought TheAlmightyBeev
out of hiding to tell us about his awesome
home experiments website:
http://www.thenakedscientists.com/kitchenscience
>> This Week - FOOT IN MOUTH - PART TWO <<
Why put one foot in your mouth when you can put
two? We need more of your embarrassing outbursts.
Confess all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/
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: NATIONAL COMPUTER MUSEUM CHARIDEE AUCTION
Old computers fuck yeah
Anne Rogers writes, "I've been a b3tan lurker
for 9 years and have never asked for anything
before. Please could you include this in the
newsletter? Pretty pretty please? We're holding
a charity auction event in aid of the National
Museum of Computing, at Bletchley Park, in
September, and we're looking for lots of lots!
Based at the birthplace of computing, it's well
worth supporting and well worth a visit.
"We'll have 75-100 techies in attendance,
coming from all over the UK. The auction funds
will support TNMOC in rebuild projects and
adding to their collection of functional
historic computers - the largest in Europe -
which lets visitors get close to the likes of
BBC Micros and Sinclairs, right back to
Colossus, the world's first programmable
computer. Interested parties could contact me
on Twitter."
http://twitter.com/annerogers
Or check out the wonderfully geeky museum here:
http://www.tnmoc.org
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* FUCK YOUR NOGUCHI COFFEE TABLE - Blog in
which the blogger merely tells the pictures of
household items in lifestyle magazines to fuck
off. We could probably write a similar one
pointing out bits of shitty show off web design
that irritate us.
http://fuckyournoguchicoffeetable.tumblr.com/
* PANORAMA FROM CURIOSITY LANDER - finally a
good use for that VR technology, other than
being in a cyber hot tub with the sexy gender
of your choice. So what's Mars like? Stony.
http://www.360pano.eu/show/?id=731
* DISTURBING HENTAI-STYLE ART - funny but also
potentially exhibit A in a murder trial.
http://imgur.com/a/XuRtU
* SECRET ROOMS - oh to be a child and live in a
house where your parents have built you secret
rooms.
http://bit.ly/QIN49y
* WOBBLY PENIS-THING - shake it like a Polaroid
picture. (Although the kids probably don't
get that lyric these days... Shake it like a
Wiimote? Shake it like you're having a wank? Or,
in the words of Robert Smith, shake it like
milk?)
http://www.staggeringbeauty.com
* CALCULATE YOUR HEART-RATE VIA AN IPHONE -
works by measuring light reflection off your
face; apparently your whole face pulses with
your heart. Extraordinary stuff. Not that we've
tried to see if it works - it costs $5 and we
don't give a bally fuck what speed our heart is
doing.
http://bit.ly/QIN5ua
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Seiko TV Watch that doesn't tell the time
* CARLY RAE JEPSEN CHAT ROULETTE VERSION -
haven't seen an chatroulette skit for a while.
Made us load it up - people didn't like our
face and pressed next a lot, so we wobbled a toy
Dalek around and shouted, "EXTERMINATE PUNY
HUMANS!" Much more popular.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCiY1y3uJ3o
* MAN ENJOYS HAMBURGER, GETS AUTOTUNED -
considering junk food is as about as healthy as
smack, you could see this as an update on Velvet
Underground's 'Heroin' and ponder how far as a
culture we have sunk. We wish we loved anything
in life as much as this guy loves crappy,
greasy fast food.
http://bit.ly/QIR5uO
* GHOST TITS MOVIE - fake trailer for a
Hollywood movie about big breasts gone missing.
Is this your nightmare? Certainly makes a
change from a hungry vagina with teeth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/more_on_tits
* GEORGE FORMBY 'IN DA CLUB' - comedian
impersonates Formby covering 50 Cent.
Although Formby himself sang, "With my
little stick of Blackpool Rock, along the
promenade I stroll. It may be sticky but I
never complain, it's nice to have a nibble at
it now and again," so it's all sort of in
character really.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Formby_In_Da_Club
* LOLYMPIC FAIL COMPILATION - we took great
delight in not watching the Olympics, the
opening ceremony (the NHS is saved by dancing
nurses apparently), the bits in-between (£11b
that could have been spent on education,
housing and health spunked on what exactly?)
and the end (a knackered, old pop star asks you
to buy an iTunes single; yay.) But, clearly, we
couldn't avoid hearing the media talk about it.
Remember it this way: a bunch of clips for a
Harry Hill clip show:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/19230791
* LONDON UNDERGROUND SIMULATOR - Apparently an
Alan-Partridge sound-alike narrating a London
Underground "game". It's pretty tame stuff,
but go to around 12:20 for a bit of "action"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/london_underground_simulator
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Meet the Hitlers
Peter and Chris Hitler work in real estate.
Hopefully they'll be able to get you a property
with a nice lebensraum.
http://ires-llc.net/biographies.html
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pretend to be a Unicorn game
Couldn't get anywhere in this, but making the
unicorn stumble and fall over made us giggle
rather a lot. And maybe that's the point.
http://www.foddy.net/CLOP.html
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: CUTE
3 Bear cubs rescued from dumpster
One upon a time there were three bears who got
stuck in a bin. Mummy Bear was very worried,
but some nice hairless apes helped out, then
uploaded a video to YouTube and congratulated
themselves on being very caring, whilst other
hairless apes systematically raped and
destroyed our precious Mother Earth. Shame on
you. SHAME ON YOU!
http://youtu.be/14pYl9bBwsI
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Zebra Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create magic via the
medium of zebra.
Your favourites included:
* STUD: mischievous nag unloads horse-goo on
sleeping pal (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824132
* RIPLEY: in space, no-one can hear you whinny
(1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824297
* SISTER: violent spin on classic playground
joke (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824277
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zebras/
>> New challenge: British Comics <<
This week's challenge is to celebrate
yesteryear's great British comic books and
characters. Your choice is rich and varied,
from the Beano and Dandy via Tiger & Scorcher
through Rupert The Bear and Commando. Challenge
suggested by prodigy69.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/
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: DENTAL CARE CORNER
Advice on teeth care from our readers
Follow this as your own risk:
* YAY FOR FOR FLUORIDE - Averydryfino writes,
"Re brown stains on teeth: fluorosis can only
occur when teeth are being formed, not after
they have erupted. In Britain, it's very rare
to see fluorosis bad enough to result in brown
stains, as we do not have fluoridated water.
Fluoride is naturally-occurring (found in real
ale and tea!) and helps prevent cavities. By
all means, use a fluoride-free toothpaste, as
it keeps dentists like me in a job."
* YAY FOR NOT USING TOOTHPASTE - sandettie lva
writes, "Further to the dental hygiene section
of the newsletter (well the brown teeth thing,
but I have another revelation), two different
dentists have told me, and friends have been
told similar by their dentists, that toothpaste
is a con and is unnecessary. Brushing with just
water is adequate to keep your teeth clean.
Although toothpaste does contain a mild
abrasive in the form of bicarbonate of soda,
replacing the brush often enough that the
bristles don't go soft will more than suffice.
Apart from that, toothpaste contains a foaming
agent which only serves to make you think it
cleans your teeth, fluoride which is also
unnecessary as there is adequate fluoride in
your tap water, and a minty substance which only
serves you make your mouth feel cold when you
inhale much like any other mints you may eat,
and people associate that with freshness,
purely down to marketing. Furthermore I have
found that merely brushing with tap water has
the effect that I no longer suffer with morning
breath anymore. Your breath shouldn't smell
anyway unless you smoke, have consumed strong
tasting foods, not cleaned your teeth or have a
throat infection. I recommend you give it a try
for a week and then report back."
Personally, we suspect the best favour you could
do your teeth is pulling them out with pliers
so you can give softer blow jobs.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE DECONSTRUCTING WORLD - "Cheeky/shameless
self-plug approaching," warns Jimtastic. "I
wrote a book. And I published it. And now I'm
giving all the profits to charity! Kindly
check out The Deconstructing World (by R A
Farmer - aka me) at lulu.com or amazon.co.uk -
written by the sort of brain that loves b3ta,
for the sort of brain that loves b3ta. Only
with less kittens and shit."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1471055361/b3ta-21
* 'TO YOUR HEALTH' EXHIBITION - "Hello you!"
greet b3ta stalwarts Hero of Switzerland. "So
we're having a little get together and we'd
love for you to pop by and have a beer with us,
maybe a cider? ...and of course, have a look at
some lovely work by some lovely people."
http://www.heroofswitzerland.com/
* B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL - mike woz ere writes,
"The season is almost upon us and that means
that it's the time to make a fantasy football
team and convince yourself it's excellent and
then stop playing the game in 2 weeks time."
We're going to resist saying anything negative
about football, because we're all grown up now.
http://fantasy.premierleague.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAKES FOR A LOW-CARB DIET - that means no
flour or sugar and they should be made from
solid meat.
* ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS FOR EYEGLASSES,
FEATURING SALT-n-PEPA - "Let's talk about specs
baby"
* NEW FLAVOURS OF CELEBRITY-ENDORSED CRISPS -
smokey bacon could be Salt'n'Peppa Pig.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Witty people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shitty people: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @GigerPunk,
‏@jvmills, @itsdanprice, gronkpan, The Scrunt,
Ken Putin, claptonista, wideeye,
Captain_lambkin, Fray Brentos, largoembargo,
weaver, @mattround. Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
Wet-chinned bag shanker. Top tip via
Theophilous Thunderwulf.
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yah.
Yah who?
FFS, it's not 1997 anymore, the cool kids are
using Bing.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Gentlemen! Do a good deed: give teenage girls a
much-needed confidence boost by pretending to
check them out, when you're sitting opposite
them on the Tube.
Do you have a tip you'd like to share with your
fellow members of b3ta?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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