This Week:
* READ - Best editorial ever
* AMAZON TAT - Print of Woman rejecting food
* VIDEO - Dancing walrus
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving biscuits
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in a tax efficient
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ISA... together"
B3ta email 540 - 3 Aug 2012
Read this issue whilst doing a poo:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue540
Winners : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Whiners : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Run as fast as Jessica Ennis over to BrainBox
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receive a free bonus card with every order!
Warning these cards are big and clever and are
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Best editorial ever <<
Chris Shaw (known in B3tan lore for his crank
letters to his local paper) edits a B2B
magazine. He recently asked, "writing an
uninspiring Comment for the August issue. Help
me spice it up by giving me some 'words'."
Suggestions included, "Flibbertigibbet,
skulduggery, shenanigans, erstwhile, solitude,
protagonist, equine, duplicity, meretricious,
louche, preposterous, haptic, schlep,
splendiferous, mendacious, acquiescent, rotund,
constant, henceforth and time machine." Chris
replied, "Done it. It reads like the ramblings
of an egotistic maniac – but they're all in
there!" Extraordinary laugh out loud stuff.
http://tinyurl.com/bmq5a43
>> Cat Face : Sports Day <<
"Nothing to do with some other sporting event
or anything like that I swear," hastens a
worried Weebl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Face_Sports_Day
>> Lovely summer's tune <<
"An old friend & I spent yesterday afternoon
writing & recording this song," explains Tab
Hunter. "We only used acoustic instruments,
recorded in one take. And drank a lot of wine.
I was so pissed by the time we finished I
couldn't remember actually playing the bass."
http://bit.ly/MhBMrG
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: AMAZON TAT
Photographic Print of Woman rejecting a plate
of food from Science Photo Library
Best review? "I bought two of these and set
them facing each other. When I sit in between
them my head spins as the two women
simultaneously reject the food, each other and,
ultimately, the concept of reality itself. "
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001NJE6L6/b3ta-21
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Tantrums
We wanted your stories of proper toddler-style
foot-stomping tantrums. Everyone got so upset
we had to give you a week off to calm down:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tantrums/
* STICK - "When I was younger I was a very
angry kid. One day I was playing Skooldaze 2 on
my spectrum, using an old Atari joystick (the
square one with one red button on the side). I
was further in the game than I had ever been,
when the joystick started to fuck up. Eric was
firing his catapult randomly and sitting down
etc. so I was getting told off and ended up
getting too many lines and losing the game. I
was livid. Absolutely fuming. I ripped the
joystick out and started smashing it on the
floor. It was however, unyielding as it had a
rather thick plastic case. So I took the fucker
outside onto the patio and tried to release all
my rage by swinging it over my head as hard as
I could and hopefully smashing it to tiny
pieces. It hit the patio and bounced straight
back and hit me square in the forehead. I
nearly passed out. So did my brothers who were
watching, but that was with laughter."
(DumbMonkey)
* MIRROR - "Like most 2 year-olds, my daughter
was learning the standard tantrum positions
quite well. The foot stomp. The exaggerated
frown. The tears, the hysteria and the snotty
nose. Her best move was lying on her back and
kicking both legs up and down. An oldie but a
goody. For maximum effect, best done in Mum &
Dad's room in front of the mirrored wardrobe
doors. We lost all sympathy when we busted her
pausing in mid strop, to check out her own
tantrum technique in the reflection." (Simian
Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd)
* EYE - "While working in a school for children
with severe learning disabilities, I saw one
angry kid take out his glass eye and throw it
at the kid who'd upset him. Apparently it was
something he did regularly." (gypsy turnips)
>> This Week - Screwed over by the man <<
Your own Ginger Fuhrer once made a flash
animation for a record company that was taken
down by the same company for copyright
infringement. How have you been screwed over by
the man?
http://b3ta.com/questions/screwedover/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Short but accurate Salvia comic <<
Dr Strange writes, "Did b3ta readers buy that
Salvia I pointed out was available on Amazon?
I've got some 40x strength and it was almost
exactly like this. Except without the eye."
http://www.treecomics.com/salvia/
>> Occupy Disneyland <<
‏@qwghlm writes, "This hypothetical military
invasion of the castle in Disneyland was
fascinating." Also maybe not so theoretical
considering the week of police / public
disorder a few blocks away in Anaheim.
http://b.qr.ae/LA2qAd
>> Mental animation <<
Made us a bit nostalgic for the early 2000s
when the formular for a web hit was 1. make it
mucky 2. Make it baffling (possibly foreign)
and 3. fit it to the beat. Extremely NFSW.
http://ss.hakd.org/10r.swf
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: SPONSORED LINK
New fighting fantasy book! Really!
Ben Broomfield writes, "If you haven't got a
sponsored link this week can I suggest the NEW
fighting fantasy book that's just come out,
'Blood Of The Zombies'. Just like being 15
again."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1848314051/b3ta-21
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
_WashingMachine
Example tweets include:
"FUCKING HATE BEDLINEN DAY. 90° WASH? PISS
RIGHT OFF. MIGHT SNEAK A RED TOWEL INTO THE
WHITES WASH TO FUCK ABOUT FOR A BIT."
"THEY LEFT THE BLOODY KITCHEN LIGHT ON AGAIN
AND THE CAT IS LICKING ITS BOLLOCKS WHILST
SITTING ON MY HEAD. FUCKING BRILLIANT."
"SHIT ME, 1,000 FOLLOWERS?! WAIT 'TIL THE
DICKHEAD TOASTER HEARS ABOUT THAT. THANK YOU
HUMANS."
https://twitter.com/_WashingMachine
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV and Ceefax combined in one magic combo
>> Creepy story about a guy attracted to his sister <<
Bloke shares a reddit-style confession about
lusting after his smoking-hot sister.
http://bit.ly/PKcraL
>> Man talking to Turkeys <<
Things are always funnier when there's someone
in the video, killing themselves with laughter.
We may head to a turkey farm and try this
ourselves; may be the closest you can get to
being a Hitler at a Nuremberg Rally.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_talking_to_Turkeys
>> Fake your own terror alert <<
Snickering nerds set up a Technicolour bomb
hoax. Before you get alarmed, yes, it's very
much a fake vid. The bomb squad tends to check
before just detonating things willy-nilly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ux5nUGSuGw
>> Dancing walrus <<
If you wonder whether reincarnation is real
and, simultaneously, are worried about Michael
Jackson's karmic fate... Both questions
answered here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PWLU97w_c
>> Local business viral vid <<
Is this deliberately bad, to make us click it
more? Poor old Trev just wants to look
trustworthy and sell some carpets, but the
director clearly has other ambitions.
http://youtu.be/ljApTKJfYqg
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: FRIDAY GAME
ASCIIvania
Meepmeep writes, "Use letters to make words.
Open areas to collect new letters. Try and
complete the alphabet. Cracking little Friday
game."
http://www.kongregate.com/games/gharding3/asciivania
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A SOLUTION TO THE WORLD'S CLIMATE PROBLEMS
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE KILLING ABOUT 6.9 BILLION
PEOPLE
* A REPLACEMENT FOR CAPITALISM THAT DOESN'T
DEMAND MOST OF THE PEOPLE LIVE IN POVERTY
* BUTTERY TOAST THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Loyalists: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Traitors: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie, ‏@zappdos,
@tjpocock, ‏@JonMorter Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Enzyme.
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TIP #1
Clean the crap off your windscreen wiper blades
with paper towels and vinegar. Makes them clear
the windscreen much better. And makes your car
smell like chips. (‏@PaulHartshorne)
TIP #2
Dried-on food stuck inside microwave
following an exploding stew? Put a half-filled
bowl of water in. Full power 4 mins. It
steam-cleans it and you can then wipe off any
gunk with ease. (JudgeDewie)
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