This Week:
* MAN OF STEEL - Rejected trailer
* NERDERY - Choose Your Own Adventure best deaths
* JEREMY HUNT - Disco remix
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Finding willies and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | bums funny since
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 1978... together"
B3ta email 539 - 27 Jul 2012
Read this issue backwards and summon LOCOG:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue539
Chum : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
UnChum : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
VW Camper Van Tent
If you're going to a festival this year (some
of them are still going apparently), the
bestest tent is the VW Camper Van Tent. Not
cheap at £299.99, but so extraordinary to look
at that you can sack off seeing the dull dad
rock bands and just spend three days going,
"fucking hell, look at my tent."
http://bit.ly/MpjKFi
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of stuff. Yay
>> MAN OF STEEL - Rejected Music <<
"A while back, me and my rapper friend MC
Wreckshin pitched some music for the trailer of
the new Superman film Man Of Steel", writes
Superpowerless, "It was rejected." And what an
error Warner Bros made, for this is truly
excellent.
http://b3ta.com/links/MAN_OF_STEEL_Rejected_Music
>> Fifty Shades Generator <<
"We've created what could be the future of
erotic fiction," opines McChaff. "At the click
of a button, you get original and truly
horrific 'mommy-porn' literature that manages
to rival its inspiration in cringeworthyness."
Lorum ipsum is for pussies.
http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/
>> Boris Johnson's Olympic welcome <<
Tow-headed toff Boris describes the sporting
delights in store. "Watch it while you can,"
advises casetteboy. "It uses the Olympic logos,
so who knows, it might get taken down."
http://bit.ly/MJXgDm
>> How gadgets work <<
Thoughtful piece by Sheep!, in his guise as
Max X, explaining just how everyday technology
such as the mobile phone acquires its magical
properties.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_film_about_how_gadgets_work
>> Stallion Explosion's puppet frenzy <<
"Hey I've shoved up a puppets thingy," beams
Joel Veitch. We like Joel, we like the puppets,
we lurve the title sequence, which should be
the new opening to News at Ten. BONG! BONG!
BONG OF DEATH!
http://bit.ly/O1CNZ3
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Choose Your Own Adventure - Deaths <<
Blog showcasing the bestest deaths from the
multiple choice gamebooks that were all the
rage in the 80s and 90s. We were always partial
to page 14 of the GrailQuest books, where you
were resurrected by Merlin and then told off
for being feckless and wasting time.
http://youchosewrong.tumblr.com/
>> Surprise clown! <<
"I hate my boyfriend. I pissed myself x4. So
far." Sustained joke or a sinister gaslighting
campaign?
http://imgur.com/a/rjTfN
>> Do you suck at your religion? <<
The Oatmeal helps you assess just how good you
are at your chosen belief system.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion
>> 100 Worthwhile DOS Games of the 90s <<
Fire up your water-cooled, UV-underlit MS-DOS
gaming 'rig' and check out these beauties. Or
take out your false teeth, suck on a Werthers
Original and reminisce about how the games of
yesteryear were so much better than today.
http://bit.ly/QNNznL
>> '8 Amazing Drowned Buildings' <<
Architectural beauties that were deliberately
flooded, to the delight of photographers
everywhere. The main criterion for being on
this list is to be a church - no-one gives a
fuck about your aquatic Netto.
http://bit.ly/Mb8Asa
>> Terry Gilliam's personal archive <<
Holly Gilliam, Terry's daughter, blogs the gems
she discovers as she re-organises the great
man's personal archive. It's only been going a
week, but worth keeping an eye on if you're a
fan.
http://hollydgilliam.blogspot.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but you're allowed to watch it at work
>> Jeremy Hunt Disco Bell Remix <<
The jokes about Hunt having his "bell end come
off in his hand" are already tedious but this
short remix by The Poke is a campanologist's
delight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HluQ3MIW5zM
>> Five men under a nuclear explosion <<
Ah, the Fifties - such a different era. These
soldiers were excited to volunteer to stand
directly underneath an exploding nuclear bomb,
in the name of Science. Except for the guy
holding the camera, he was just ordered to do
it.
http://n.pr/NMgZ2l
>> Mastermind: Stupidity of Fr. Dougal McGuire <<
Excellent-value specialist round from Celebrity
Mastermind, like a Father Ted greatest hits in
quiz form.
http://bit.ly/Mb8Oj9
>> Bungle's screen test for Jaws <<
Rare footage of the Rainbow bear's first,
hesitant steps in his fledgling acting career.
Part of some big Comic Relief thing in aid of
puppets or something - Bagpuss is also worth a
look.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bungle_screen_test_for_Jaws
>> Cop movie 'snappy banter' <<
We've never seen Samurai Cop but, judging from
this, it's hard to tell if the acting or the
writing is the worst thing ever. The actors
seem genuinely baffled by the words coming from
their own mouths.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KFKnQcvgLY
>> 1980s optical illusion <<
Instructions on how to create your own,
baffling 'Ames Window' - with the bonus of the
lovely retrocity that comes with footage from a
1980s TV show.
http://youtu.be/OIGaDXH9v2o
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: TOKENISTIC OLYMPICS CORNER
Janey Thomson's Marathon live event
A few years back Matt Round and your Ginger
Fuhrer produced a joystick-waggling Marathon
game. Matt writes -
"It would be fun if people played Janey
Thomson's Marathon along with the women's
marathon race on telly. I'd happily give a
medal for the best highlights video uploaded of
a winning attempt. I like the idea of people
struggling & sweating to hammer away at a
couple of keys while the world's best athletes
actually run it..."
http://www.e4.com/game/janey-thomson-s-marathon/play.e4
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Twice the "funny" twice the unmitigated shit
* CHINESE FOOTBALLER - his parents scored an
own goal with this name.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Shouting …
* PC DICK COCKHEAD - we're still struggling to
believe this can be real.
https://twitter.com/jonnypelham/statuses/228174424094957568
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW FRIDAY
@KimKierkegaard
The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with
the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian.
Sample tweets include
"Lazy day poolside! Best french toast ever. No
other loss can occur so quietly as the loss of
one's self."
"Good morning Miami! Here everything lies naked
and visible before God, and consciousness has
nowhere to hide."
"My soul always turns back to the Old Testament
& Shakespeare. They hate, love, murder their
enemies. What could be more summery than that?"
https://twitter.com/KimKierkegaard
FYI: We've just looked up Søren Kierkegaard
trying to find some fun facts. There are none.
Not one.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sheds Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
magnificence of Sheds
Your favourites included:
* LAWN: death stalks from below, bringing
its all-weather, varnished terror
(Captain Howdey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10810801
* JACK: off-season caretaker takes
umbrage at wife's invasion of
tool-storage privacy (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10811525
* NEON: madcap catnip stroboscopic disco
chaos (HEKIM)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10814138
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheds/
>> New challenge: Guns <<
Everything, with the possible exception
of film premieres, is improved by adding
guns. So add guns. To everything
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/guns/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WHAT TO DO WITH FOXNEWSUK? ASCII Cat writes,
"A year ago I registered FoxNewsUk.Com and
it's just come up for renewal - I'm paying $10
a year to keep this going, so I've switched it
to mirror a website about foxes, but I wonder
if any B3ta readers can think of another use
for it?" If you've got some ideas then make
sure you tell us.
http://www.foxnewsuk.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COOKIE CUTTER - Alistair Coleman writes, 'A
"YES, I ACCEPT YOUR COOKIE POLICY" APP - We're
already sick to death of "accepting cookies" on
every single website we visit, on every single
browser, on every single device. Somebody make
something that will make it all go away.'
* TEETH THAT DON'T GET STAINED - we clean our
teeth, we floss, we don't smoke, so why do we
keep having to go the dental hygienist to stop
our teeth going brown? It's not fair.
* RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES THAT DON'T NEED
RECHARGING - they are such a fucking pain.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
SUBS: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
BLUBS: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bole982, Happosai,
‏@seanan_kerr, Smale, skintagain, mrandrist,
Shinigawa ‏@Samegreattaste @RobinEmm Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Defecate by contracting your abdominal muscles,
causing intra-abdominal pressure to increase,
lowering your perineal wall, causing the ano
rectal angle to decrease from 90 degrees to
less than 15 degrees and relaxing your external
anal sphincter. If possible, sit on a toilet
first. Sorry, should've mentioned that earlier.
( Zuowan)
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