This Week:
* POTTER - Super-quick catch-up
* ZOO - of the past
* SARUMAN - Trololol
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're launching our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | own red top this sunday
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 487 - 15 JUL 2011
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue487/
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: SPONSORED LINK
AMNESTY TV SHOW - WATCH IT NOW
If you follow current events it's easy to get
despondent. Global warming is going to kill us
all, public services are being destroyed, people
are bombed in the name of democracy. Everything
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difference with Amnesty, and many already are
including B3ta favourites like Cassette Boy,
Misery Bear and Modern Toss. Watch their new TV
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http://youtu.be/i2f8IjuqbsY
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Potter, Memories, Kittens and Scenery
>> Harry Potter Abridged (1-7 part I) <<
"HIYA!" booms woahbot. "Thought you lot might
need a Harry Potter catch up before you go and
see the new film! Enjoy!" Genuine lols, as the
sequels whizz by.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_Abridged_1_7_part_I
>> Draw stuff from memory <<
"We've got a new blog," boast Hero of
Switzerland. "It's in need of contributions.
FROM MEMORY." Nice idea; draw famous characters
entirely from your own powers of recollection.
Some funny results too - why not have a bash at
it?
http://frommemorytopaper.blogspot.com/
>> Kitten face-ifyer <<
"You upload a photo and it detects anyone facing
the camera then replaces their faces with faces
of kittens," explains probe. "There's obviously
no need to explain how useful this is." He
should do this as an app - quids in!
http://www.kittenfaces.com/
>> Through the viewfinder <<
"If you don't like the scenery... change it,"
explains Black Moon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Through_the_viewfinder
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: FOX NEWS UK DOMAIN STUNT
Exclusive interview from your soar-away B3ta
Everywhere we looked on the 13th was linking to
the domain prank foxnewsuk.com - it was made by
B3ta chumette ASCII Cat and we thought we'd
catch up for an exclusive interview.
WHY?
Murdoch was pulling out of the BSKYB bid and I
got rather over-excited. This means no chance of
Fox News in the UK. Well at least for now, we've
won the battle but the war is still raging.
WHY ALL THE VIEW SOURCE STUFF?
I knew people would be looking for clues about
who was behind it and the first thing I'd do in
a situation like this would be to view the
source to see what was there. Once I noticed
people had clocked the first joke on Twitter,
"secret message is secret" I started bunging
more and more in.
BEST REACTIONS?
Slightly confused by the people covering it as
"Fox News HACKED by Anon", which was wrong on two
counts. I liked the script I found on Pastebin
that someone had written to make a changelog of
all the edits I was doing. It also made the
Express & Star newspaper. Which was nice.
WHO ARE YOU?
ASCII Cat, meow meow, read Chomsky, meow.
Remember to view source:
http://www.FoxNewsUK.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dodgy Work Ethics
Last week we asked what the worst thing you'd
been asked to do at work was, and if you'd
actually done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dodgyworkethics/
* "A company I worked at had big night out.
A treasure hunt through the streets of Croydon
with a quiz at the final pub. A series of
clues, each leading to the next pub, and on
the way were challenges: a copy of a certain
newspaper dated the day BEFORE the hunt, the
most intricate or amusing model built out of
McDonalds drinking straws etc. To say my boss
was competitive would be putting it mildly.
He wanted to win this and win this big. So he
turned to me. "You know that week you're having
off next month. The week you won't be paid for
because you're a contractor? How would you like
to get paid for that week?" So I waited until
everyone went home and wandered up to where the
guy setting the route worked and ghosted his
hard drive. Ferreted through his documents
until I had the route, the quiz, the challenges,
the lot. On the night our team roared around
the circuit with a copy of the previous day's
Guardian, a magnificent pre-built McDonalds-straw
peep-hole bra that Sally, the token girl from
IT, wore and we knew every single quiz answer.
Then, in the penultimate pub, we ran into the
marketing team. They were looking confident,
but their McDonalds straw creation was waaay
better than ours. It was a perfect, desk-sized
model of giraffe. Tightly-woven, perfectly
scaled, it made our effort look like something
produced by pre-pubescent kids. So I did what
any contractor who wanted a paid week off would
do. I took one for the team. Boss engaged them
in conversation. I leaned back against the bar
and flicked my lighter... "
(Legless)
* "A bloke I worked with a few years ago used
to have a job delivering sun beds. Usually
these were for young ladies so he'd happily
give them some chat, set the sun beds up,
check they worked and be on his way... for
about about as long as he reckoned it'd take
them to get their kit off before he'd return,
knocking on the door because he'd 'forgotten'
to leave the goggles. Worked quite well
apparently. Maybe I should have put this in
the Top Tips section?"
(RTFM)
* "My boss used to pay me to fuck her daughter.
Only she called it "babysitting." But we all
know what she meant."
(CactusZack)
>> This Week's Question - Road Trips <<
Twelve days trekking across deserts? Three
weeks in a hippie bus through the Far East?
The Northern Line at 8am? Tell us of the epic
journeys you've made:
http://b3ta.com/questions/roadtrip/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Old photos of London zoo <<
Zoos are funny old things. The line we're
expected to follow is that they do lots of work
for conservation etc, but to our eyes most of
the animals look fucking miserabe. Especially
the bigger creatures like lions and apes. Enjoy
these great photos from the past there was
utterly no pretence that zoos were an improving
experience and it was all LOL let's get monkeys
to play guitars!
http://LDN.in/rUdoED
>> When creative directors hover <<
Flashback of memory to doing maths in school
and the teacher coming up behind you and then
you freeze OMG CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING. For some
the hell of school never ends.
http://t.co/THiv6Wu
>> World's worst records <<
@dwbullock writes, "Hi B3ta, I know its a bit
cheeky, but a plug in the B3ta newsletter would
be delightful." OK then, seeing as it's a rather
fun blog about really, really shit records.
http://www.worldsworstrecords.blogspot.com
>> Well-timed street photography <<
What goes lol. click. lol. click. lol. click?
You, after opening this website:
http://mattstuart.com
>> Best Carl Sagan animated gif ever! <<
"Look at the pale blue dot. That's here. That's
home. That's us. On it everyone you love,
everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of,
every human being who ever was, lived out their
lives." Yeah but we're colour-blind and it looks
green to us. Take that, Sagan!
http://i.imgur.com/7MBuD.gif
>> "They're made of Meat!" <<
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in
thinking meat!" Short story that's probably as
old as the hills and boringly familiar to most
of you, but it's new to us, and we enjoyed it.
So there.
http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine something a bit like youtube
>> Victor Lewis Smith on QVC <<
Very much the Fonejacker of his day, the great
man trolls a home shopping channel. Classic
stuff!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victor_Lewis_Smith_on_QVC
>> Trollolol Saruman <<
Even in defeat he's pure evil!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Trolling_Saruman
>> EDL demo in Tower Hamlets shock truth <<
Innocuous-looking guy with balls of steel chats
with the racist troglodytes of the EDL. About
fashion.
http://goo.gl/wyGTh
>> Living in the Future <<
Akira the Don's rapping homage to internet
techno-joy.
http://t.co/x5lbrve
>> How to deactivate a cat <<
Kittens have a little bit at the back of their
necks so their mum can carry them round.
Theoretically, then, this should work on lions
- anyone fancy trying it?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_deactivate_a_cat
>> Scissor Sisters + puppets <<
Amazing performance from last year's Brit
awards, as the Scissor Sisters step up their
choreography to Spinal Tap levels.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEf_-BKT6zg
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny = shit. Like Slipknot said.
* PENIS PAD - @Itsallaboutcake writes, "there
seems to be a cock and balls on my pantyliner!"
http://lockerz.com/s/119982959
* TOASTIE GOATSE - @matt_armstrong writes, "Is
is my imagination, or is this a Breville toastie
goatse?"
http://twitpic.com/5pwaxh
* FUCK SPAIN - probably not funny as the Basque
/ Spain issues is a political hot potato that we
don't want to touch. Apparently a greeting on
the road in Tour De France. (via @JacksofBuxton)
http://lockerz.com/s/120041366
* BLOKE WITH ACTUAL FUNNY NAME - we can't say
this out loud without giggling. (thx
jazzytrumpetguy)
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0564044/
* PHAEDOPILES - @willcooper writes, "My
sister-in-law mentioned this lot the other day.
One spelling mistake from disaster." We think
they should round up the pheados and throw away
the khey.
http://www.teamphaedo.com/
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Support the #BBCStrike. Don't cross the virtual
picket line and become a cyber-scab by clicking
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PANTS THAT STAY FRESH ALL YEAR LONG - "we're
sick of having to change them every bleeding
month." What's what we said, but simbosan points
out it's in the news already.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-14045387
* BREAKING! @gotimmy has updated his website.
Huzzah!
http://www.hasrebekahbrooksbeensackedyet.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we're going to fill this section with
ideas for charities that they wouldn't buy but
probably should
* SCOPE: Spazbot. Replies to tweets using the
words spaz/scoper and points them at resources
saying why this is bad
* NSPCC: Stick loads of files on the darknet
called "kiddyporn1.mov" and then basically play
a "DON'T YOU FEEL ASHAMED?" message and direct
the paedos to get help.
* GREENPEACE - get loads of celebs to paint
their 'piece' green.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie,
wonderwizard, mrandrist, edwardrussia,
TwoSheds78, PhosphorBurnedEyes, @ToastMaster,
@editorialgirl, Mushroom and Enzyme. Top Tippery
by robneymcplum.I Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via @ereuben
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TOP TIP:
Blind people: if you are bored with nothing to
do, stand near a cool breeze and the resulting
chills will give you goose bumps which you can
then 'read' like braille for an interesting,
abstract story.
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