This Week:
* SNOW - Mum meets giant ice-cock
* PICS - Can you identify your home town?
* SMUG - Let Smugopedia improve your sneering
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're uploading our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | secret emails to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Amazon... together"
B3ta email 457 - 3 Dec 2010
Releasing one issue every week until the US
Government tells us to stop. Please tell us
to stop, Obama; our fingers hurt:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue457/
Wikileaks: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Wikipedia/leeks: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
ShotDead introduces our inspired Mr.Madmen
tees plus the usual fun poking and rib
tickling. This week we pick on the X-Factor,
WikiLeaks and Christmas. It's only three weeks
away – you might as well buy some stuff.
10% off for B3tans with this code – B3TA
http://bit.ly/dWgdkl
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Dogshoes, Home, Piano, Clegg and Manatee
>> Booba's New Shoes - Translation <<
Slurpy J's James Corden-esque voiceover adds a
certain charm to this cute video of a little
puppy trying to cope with wearing shoes. Why
is he wearing shoes? Because he's in love.
http://goo.gl/Ehrlo
>> That's My Hometown! <<
"Can you recognise your own hometown from the
photos you get shown?" asks Rico Monkeon.
Rather compelling and we still seem to have
an uncanny ability to detect anything related
to Wolverhampton.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/hometown/
>> Piano <<
"A new animation from me," blurts a
tight-lipped Paul Rayment, jittery from
neon-tinged nightmares of predatory musical
instruments.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Piano
>> Christmas Manatee <<
"Just whacked up a new thing, christmas
manatee," explains Joel Veitch of this festive
masterpiece, which features Joel on guitar and
the Veitchson, Zak, on severed head. "RAH!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Christmas_Manatee
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: KUNT CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1 UPDATE
Use My Arsehole as Cunt - Nick Clegg edition
Our campaign has taken a surprising turn, the
official B3ta wife was watching a documentary
on Peter Mandelson when she spotted a
fresh-faced Nick Clegg from before everyone
hated him. She said, "You know, David Cameron
has really used his arsehole as a cunt." 5
minutes later a wine-soaked email was sent to
our man Kunt and he agreed to do a special
'Nick Clegg story' remix. Our personal hope is
that people sing it to Nick all day and every
day, so he has a breakdown and the coalition
collapses. We can dream, can't we? Watch the
Nick Clegg Story. Extremely NSFW, or anywhere
for that matter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv1OigmYcvQ
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: YOUR NEW RING TONE
5-year-olds shouting 'Tory Scum'
We attended an anti-cuts protest in Camden
earlier this week and made a quick audio
recording. Thought our readers might enjoy it
as a ring tone? Or possibly remix it with a
donk.
http://goo.gl/woh8b
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dad Stories
Last week we asked you for your Dad stories.
R Jimlad's story of his Dad bumming a sofa is
worth the price of admission alone. Go read:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dad/
* "A couple of weeks ago I visited my parents,
dear old pensioners that they are these days,
while they were watching I'm A Celebrity, Get
Me Out Of Here. There was a torture session
involving Stacey Solomon and some bloke or
other having to eat kangaroo penises, when my
Dad piped up: "She'll be fine with that,
Dagenham girls love eating cock!" with a sly
wink. My Dagenham-born Mother looked up from
her crossword, threw a pen at his head and
replied, "Not any fucking more they don't."
Me... I went out to the shed to look for the
mindbleach and coarse-grade wire wool." (The
Duke of Boredom)
* "When my sister was seven, she joined the
local Judo club. After her first lesson, she
came home, excited to show off her new-found
skills. "Watch this, Dad!" she says, taking a
stance and moving her hands about in a vaguely
Jackie Chan-ish way. "Are you watching my
hands, Dad?" she asks. "Yes, I'm watching," he
replies, just as she plants her delicate pink
patent-leather shoe very forcefully into his
spuds. As he writhed in agony on the floor,
poleaxed by his small daughter, my Sister
looks at him smugly and says, "should have
been watching my feet." (Smash Monkey)
* "Popped round to Mum and Dad's one time and
he is in the hallway, adjusting his dress
shirt and bow tie in the mirror. "Sorry Dad,
didn't realise you were going out, I'll get
going." "No Son, Goldfinger is about to start;
gotta make an effort for Sean." And he did
indeed sit watching Mr Connery with the full
suit and boot on. I believe he has too much
time on his hands." (Ulic)
>> This Week's Question: Broken promises <<
Have you formed a government based on lies? Or
just not followed through on the promise to
love, honour and obey?
http://b3ta.com/questions/brokenpromises/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that was made by internet randoms
>> Kim Jong-il looking at things. <<
When he's not threatening to kick off World
War III, much of Kim Jong-il's job appears to
be walking round North Korea and looking at
things. Here's a gallery of some of his
greatest hits. Winner of this week's 'most
emailed in award'.
http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/
>> Smugopedia <<
Always be better-informed than the person
you're talking with - here's instant access to
a controversial and self-satisfied opinion on
the subject of your choice.
http://www.smugopedia.com/
>> How to give a cat a pill <<
Simple step-by-step instructions on
administering medicine to your cat. After all,
how hard can it be?
http://goo.gl/TE6OS
>> Google Translate beatbox <<
Turn Google's translation service into your
robotic beatbox bitch, by typing nonsense and
saying it's German. Listen to this!
http://goo.gl/Iu6NV
>> Merry Christmas, Mister Fritzel <<
The best/worst 4chan escapade we've seen in a
while - and it's still ongoing.
http://imgur.com/CRvGV
>> Pornosearch <<
Rule 34 states that if something exists, there
is porn for it. This search engine puts that
proposition to the test. Needless to say, this
is NSFW. Also, we're not proud that we managed
to stump it a couple of times.
http://bit.ly/35AMHG
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: POINTLESS FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN OF THE WEEK
Wales for World Cup 2026
After all, England isn't going to win it.
http://www.facebook.com/backthebid
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
What do you call your cock?
Virally survey to find out how the men of the
UK refer to their third legs. Fair play to the
blokes from Northern Ireland, making a
convincing case for calling it "Gandalf".
http://www.icallmine.co.uk
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Subtitle: Ceefax page 888
>> Mum's reaction to giant snow-cock <<
Sniggering teenager films his mum returning
home to discover that he's spent the afternoon
loving shaping the fresh-fallen snow into a
seven-foot-tall cock and balls.
http://goo.gl/iJDvN
>> My cat is afraid of the vacuum cleaner song <<
Starts slow but slides into entertaining
madness at around the 20 second mark.
http://goo.gl/36LFP
>> Fox News: US Tea Party comes to Britain <<
Apparently, the UK wants in on some of that
Sarah Palin headline-grabbing political action
and that's why there are widespread
demonstrations in the streets. Fucking
hilarious.
http://goo.gl/WA1VT
>> Showboating fire victim <<
Bloke is carried from his blazing home,
clearly having the time of his life.
http://goo.gl/bkDcb
>> Automated desk fun <<
There's this thing called the "Yamaha 01V96",
which has something called "automated faders"
that move on their own. And there's some guys
and they put objects in the way of the sliders
to create their own percussive sounds. It's
good.
http://goo.gl/UsTRf
>> Russian World Cup song <<
Still stinging from that FIFA decision? Here's
a xenophobic satirical song.
http://ow.ly/3jihx
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Shakespeare Challenge
Last week we wanted you to shop The Bard
Your favourites included:
* PYSCHIC - eerily prescient television
critiques, written 300 years before the
infernal device was invented (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263845
* RICHARD - classic speech updated with snow,
canvas, and some flashing lights (Lord Kronos)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10264024
* BROTHER - it's Hamlet, but shot in
Chucklevision (Lord Kronos)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263675
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shakespeare/
>> New challenge: Protest Signs <<
With the entire nation going protest crazy,
people need some decent placards to wave
about. Your job is to provide the slogans, the
kind of thing that might show up on the news
and allow you to sit back and proudly think,
"that was me, that was"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protestsigns/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Simple shootout game
Chenobble writes, "Hold the mouse over the
chamber, wait for the countdown, then aim at
the opponent and shoot. Gory, simple but very
addictive. My score: 286" BTW: Why don't
Russian scientists wear Y-fronts? Because
Chenobble fallout.
http://www.gunblood.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOW TO SHARE LIVING SPACE NICELY - Mr Major
asks, "Can we have an official B3ta guide to
being a good housewife/husband/lodger?"
* SICKILEAKS - for all the rude jokes that get
cut from BBC scripts since The Daily Mail gave
them a hard time over that Russell Brand stuff.
* COAL NOT DOAL - why can't anybody stand up
to Thatcher and support jobs in the North?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
_Black_Acrylic, Frightguy, the RAND
corporation, horace wimp, @NikNoCee, Ding Dong
Merrily on Dave!, Herb Alpert's taxi Driver,
Bootsthealchemist, Double 2, codepo8,
igotdamaged, @TheoEsc, @rhyswynne, @Cockaday
Top Tippery by mr major Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via The Dutch Inventor
Mediocre. Three kisses to b4ta. Best Wikipedia
photo ever? http://tinyurl.com/23vwqj2
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TOP TIP:
When getting dressed and taking an item of
clothing off a coat hanger, put the empty
hanger at a far side of the wardrobe. Repeat
throughout the week. Then when you come to
hang clothes up after washing, you can take
all your free hangers from your wardrobe in
one go and you don't have to waste time
searching for them and taking them out,
one-by-one.
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