This Week:
* CYRIAK - Makes video for Ninja Tunes
* SURPRISING OPINION - Julian Assange is gorgeous
* CASH4GOLD - leprechauns waiting for your call
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B3ta email 458 - 10 Dec 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
Wicked Pig Challenges episode 3: Invasion
Pork-snacking funnymen and avid B3tans Dan &
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they sort out their differences in time to
invade France? Only one way to find out…
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Loops, Tongue and Supermarkets
>> We got more - music vid <<
"I only had a couple of weeks to make this
video for Ninja Tunes," explains Cyriak. "But
it turned out ok, I think." Hapless
pedestrians once again become playthings in a
world of nightmarish loops.
http://goo.gl/KesFr
>> Eating hairy tongue <<
"Yesterday," harrumphs Joel, "I invented a
glorious new meal - HAIRY TONGUE!" It's a
boiled pig's tongue, with pasta hammered
through it to form starchy 'hair'. Somebody
please give Joel a cookery show; we could
watch him all day, making and enjoying
disgusting food.
http://b3ta.com/links/Hairy_Tongue
>> Someone else will put it back <<
When you're in the supermarket it's kind of
interesting to spot the items people got
halfway round the store with, then thought
twice about buying. Mike has been taking his
camera round the shops and theorising the back
story - we enjoyed his write-ups.
http://someoneelsewillputitback.com
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: BLADE RUNNER T-SHIRTS
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Broken Promises
Last week we asked for the broken promises
that you'd made or had made to you. We don't
know who this Mick Clegg bloke is, but he's
pissed off an awful lot of you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brokenpromises/
* I promised my ex-flatmate Tom not to laugh
at his terrible, world-shattering news. Tom
was home educated until GCSEs, did well, then
went to a proper sixth form, where he
discovered girls, booze, drugs and the
sexually lubricating effects of playing the
guitar well. So needless to say he did
pathetically in his A-Levels, dropped out,
became a musician and developed the sexual
morals of an unspayed alleycat. His taste was
for women so loose they only wore panties to
keep their ankles warm. Happy times. His
downfall came in the form of a particularly
loose, and particularly stupid woman named,
ooh, let's say Amanda. Amanda was
extraordinarily slutty, deeply in love with
Tom, and so stupid that the only knife in the
draw less sharp was actually a spatula. For
example, sitting in our front room and she's
cold. So I point to the thermostat, "The
thermostat's there, turn it up if you want
to." "What's a thermostat?" Fast forward
several months. Tom and Amanda have broken it
off. Tom has a new girlfriend. He gets a call
from Amanda. She's pregnant. It's his. He
tells me and is obviously distraught. I'm
supportive, for a while, but I have the devil
in me: a week or so later, Tom is wandering
around the house like a lost soul and decides
to turn the heating up. I creep up behind him
as he approaches the control, crouch down and
say, in a high, childish voice, "What's a
thermostat, Daddy?" (universalpsykopath)
* "In the song 'wake me up before you go go'
George Michael sang, "I'm not planning on
going solo." Then look what the cunt went and
did. No wonder Andrew Ridgley doesn't talk to
him." (Appleseed)
* "Dear P2P, You promised me a sexy dwarf
amputee having sex with a camel, but all I got
was this lousy Rick Astley video..."
(Turtlenuts)
>> This Week: it's not what it looks like <<
We sometimes protest our innocence when caught
even when guilty as hell, but what about when
you are innocent, but trying to explain only
digs you in deeper? It's not what it looks
like. Honestly, it's not:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Julian Assange is gorgeous <<
Poor old Mr Wikileaks - he pitted himself
against the all-powerful shadow state and got
himself arrested. We worry that he'll never
get out and be frozen in a 2010 time-warp,
never playing with an iPad 2, never finding
out out if OS X Kitten is any good, and never
knowing the love of a beautiful robot lady (we
reckon about 2026 for that.) Anyway, remember
him this way:
http://julianassangeisgorgeous.tumblr.com/
>> Change your profile pic to a sheep <<
In what nobody (least of all us) is calling
B3ta's Facebook Campaign of the Week comes
this wooly bit of social media satire.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180928885256532
>> Cash4Gold pranking <<
In a similar vein to that one with the picture
of a spider, this fella has been hassling
Cash4Gold and framed the resultant reply. We
laughed SOOOO much!
http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg
>> IMDB Easter egg <<
Somebody should make a list of how many web
things reference this gag - off-hand we can
also remember BBC iPlayer.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088258/
>> How to sell ink 101 <<
Gizmodo is calling it "The Best, Most
Disgruntled Ink Cartridge Description You'll
Ever Read" and, frankly, what can we add to
that?
http://j.mp/hVjGKX
>> Best lost pet posters <<
Amusing collection of this little sub genre of
real world lols.
http://bit.ly/icJ7AO
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: B3TA PEOPLE #2
Pig in the city, electric boogaloo
>> Trolling National Rail <<
"Here are all my attempts trying to renew my
16-25 Railcard photo," sniggers woahbot. "Some
sexy results."
http://cribble.net/2010/rejected-16-25-railcard-photos/
>> Batman/Corrie <<
Coronation Street fans can't have failed to
spot that this week's 50th anniversary episode
was a cross-over with Batman Begins. Don't
believe us? Take it away, Monty Propps...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Batman_can_be_a_right_bastard_at_times
>> Nick Clegg raps <<
"Desperate to rescue his tattered reputation,
Nick Clegg gets down with the kids," claims a
wild-eyed and politicised Dan Bull. Here's his
message for the troubled youth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nick_Clegg_raps
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Video will never catch on, not enough bandwidth
>> Geek Christmas illuminations <<
Yay! It's time for Christmas decorations
again! And what says Christmas like Darude's
'Sandstorm'?
http://goo.gl/eZ5oG
>> Dogs, sledding <<
Having a dog is sharing your house with a
perpetually cheerful moron. And that's why
it's great. Observe, these guys realise they
can slide down hills on their cheeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Why_dogs_are_better_than_cats_287
>> DIY avalanche <<
Blokes attempting to knock a bit of snow off
the roof succeed beyond their wildest
expectations.
http://bbc.in/flAv0K
>> Random 80s/90s singsong <<
Pure, delightful confusion, as such luminaries
as George from Seinfeld, The Hulk, James Bond,
Bergerac and the bloke from 'Allo 'Allo, lip
dub their way through 'Let It Be', on a beach.
http://bit.ly/eoTelg
>> Meet Buck <<
Buck is a nice guy and he has a deer's head.
Here's the beautifully-animated tale of going
to meet his girlfriend's folks for the first
time. Just lovely stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Meet_Buck
>> Mel Gibson's The Beaver - Recut <<
Mel's latest film has him as a heavily
depressed bloke, who externalises his negative
feelings through a puppet. It was only a
matter of time before someone did the re-dub.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mel_Gibsons_The_Beaver_Recut
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: SANTACON - DRESS LIKE A PAEDO YEARLY EVENT
We predict a riot
5ifty0 writes, "There are 3 different
locations this year, the details of which will
be released tomorrow night in the yahoo groups
forum "londonsantacon". The groups will be
meeting up later in the day, possibly at
Trafalgar Sq with inclusion of a Brussel
Sprout fight. No joke. Everyone dresses as
Santa, Elves are systematically abused with
chanting but Reindeers are welcomed. There's
an afterparty at Bloomsbury Bowl but tickets
need to be purchased online if any are left."
http://santacon.co.uk/
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: ROB'S PAYWALL CORNER
On 4chan / Wikileaks etc
Your B3tarded editor writes, "Every so often
4chan gets itself into the papers and this
means one thing: if they can't think of anyone
else, UK media people poke me for an opinion.
As it happens I had rather a lot to say on the
issue as I've recently been poisoned by rat
shit and pretty much spent a week in bed,
following the story." It's behind the infamous
Times Paywall mind you, so no idea how many of
you can read this. You can also try page 38 of
the actual Times, if you're in the newsagent
stocking up on Crunchie bars, and it's still
Friday when you read this:
http://goo.gl/GjZXm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the protest signs challenge
Last week we fantasised you might make a load
of mental signs that students would print out
and we'd get all caught up in the news, but
no, didn't go to plan and you mocked them
students. Probably for the best since the
authorities have criminalised being a student
and are calling them terrorists.
Our favourites included:
* BURKA - the world's most offensive joke
punchline taken to a terrible new low
(Cockweasle)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10270248
* CHE - the reality of student protest
explained for the novice protester (Colonel
Boris)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10271095
* COPS - the police, tired of kettling, take a
fiendishly clever new approach (Peter RICK)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10270397
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protestsigns/
>> New challenge: Julian Assange <<
Man of the moment, it's the guy who puts the
willies up spooks, Julian 'Blancmange' Assange.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/assange/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HOORAY B3TA ADVERTISING WORKS - Emma
'Lilith' Haxton writes, "Thanks to you, good
sir, I am receiving a free bottle of Glayva
Liquer! You, and your awesome friends at b3ta,
suggested in issue 454 that we become fans of
them on their Facebook page. The first 2000
fans to join are being rewarded with a free
bottle in time for Christmas. :D Thank you
b3ta! :D"
http://goo.gl/l2o04
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tear-jerker game
There's some really interesting stuff going on
in the amateur game design world at the
moment, where gaming structures are being used
to express emotion rather than a pure game
experience. The effect is somewhere between
lonely, confessional indie rock and art films.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/555181
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
We got stuck writing this bit so crowd sourced
it to twitter and this is what they did:
* TWO BIT HORSE - "A horse that can clomp its
hooves in binary" @Protowizard
* INFINITE MITTEN WEARER - "I'd like to see
people wearing an ever increasing number of
gloves until their hands are stupidly big."
@thehaiku
* BACKWARDS WORLD - "A riot-y protest against
students, where MPs go and smash up the
universities and student bars? I'd LOVE to see
that." @matthewgardner
* CSS FUN - "I'd like to see a wikileaks cable
reader that displays them like the computer
terminals in fallout 3" @SetecAstronomy
* FART OFF - "an invention that fits snugly
around the anus that is activated when a fart
happens and neutralises the odor. For my
bfriend." (@Natalie_KateM)
* FASHION - "a shirt made of paper to go with
trousers made of sellotape." (@Protowizard)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by follymoff, The
Resident Loon, King of Beers, @BenMcCauley,
@MitchellSt, taters, @mattround, @sheepfilms,
@thehaiku, WiL, @mattround, @18bikes,
@shedfire, @jonmoss and @lukosan. Top Tippery
by bunglist. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Emvee.
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TOP TIP:
Experience what sex will be like in the future
by having sex with your mother in law. (Or
your father in law depending on your gender,
which way you swing etc.)
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