This Week:
* OWL - Owls are cool
* COMIC - Common People
* VIDEO - Alan Partridge Returns
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're buying 2 for 1
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Fireworks offers in
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Sainsburys... together"
B3ta email 453 - 5 Nov 2010
Hey Mr Newsagent! Where's my cover mount tape?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue453/
Burchill: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Fry: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
-------------------------------------------------
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Halloween, Classical, iPhone, and Faces
>> Excellent Halloween costume <<
Rusty Shackleford, we salute you. Next year: Tubgirl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Halloween_costume_thread
>> Fiddling with Tchaikovsky <<
Punk rock attitude meets classical orchestra.
"Composer John Oswald invited his friend Jon
Rose to play a completely improvised solo over
Tchaikovsky's violin concerto," explains
intesvensk. "Jon Rose being the mischievous
person he is, performed the solo in his own
unique way, creating a whole new experience for
everyone." And obviously irritated the fuck out
of all the 'proper' musicians.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fiddling_with_Tchaikovsky
>> iPhone <
"Hi dude," growls Joel Veitch. "I've got an
iPhone!" Welcome to 2007, Joel.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ive_Got_An_iPhone
>> Faces in Places <<
A while back we featured Toast Master's project
spotting facial expressions in everyday
objects. And now? He's turned it into a book.
But, unlike your average booky website venture
(i.e. us), he's giving most of the proceeds to
charity - Hope For Children, who help the
orphaned, poor and exploited. What a top chap!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1906672903/b3ta-21
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Babysitters
We wanted your babysitting stories. What we got
was a load of stories about willies. Yay!
http://b3ta.com/questions/babysitters/
* "My nan, god rest her beautiful, beautiful
soul, suffered terribly with cataracts and was
practically blind. This didn't prevent her from
babysitting me and my little brother as we were
"never any trouble". So, mom and dad went to a
show and dropped us off at Grandma Jo's... It
started off small; just innocent little things.
"Poke your tongue out at her, she can't see
you!", I'd whisper. We were eight and six. This
was HILARIOUS. "Walk through the room with a
cushion on your head!" We're *dying* with
quietened laughter. As the elder, I was the one
pushing the boundaries. My little brother, the
willing victim and daredevil. Which was why,
having had their night out cut short by a
powercut, my parents return to my nan's tiny
council flat to find me with a tea-cosy on my
head and drawn-on glasses, collapsed in the
corner laughing my tits off at the sight of my
little brother, pillowcase on head, dancing a
naked 'zulu war dance' less than ten feet from
his grandmother. The pillowcase had rendered my
brother equally blind, so his jig continued,
his tiny boycock bobbling around for all to
see, until the pillowcase was unceremoniously
yanked from his head and we were sent to bed.
My cousin started babysitting us after that."
(R. Jimlad)
* "My son decided that walking into the room to
meet his new babysitter would be best received
if he were trouserless, with a significant
erection and speaking the words, "Look, I can
make it go all stiff!" I'm saving this story
for his wedding day." (number5)
* "When I was a kid my mum used to go out with
her mates on a Sunday night and this meant my
dad would watch me and my sister. We used to
love it: he'd get us some sweets and let us
stay up really late as long as we didn't tell
mum we'd stayed up. Or so we thought. Turns out
he used to change the clock on the TV so it
said 11 instead of 7." (FootOfTim)
>> This Week's Question: Old tech <<
What hugely outdated tech do you still cling
to? Does it work better, or are you just
deeply, deeply scared of the new? Send us a
telegram here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/betamax/
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: FASCIST NOSE-HAIR RECLAIMED FOR COMEDY!
Sponsored linky so we can feed the kids
Richard Herring's acclaimed 'Hitler Moustache'
stand up show is out now on DVD.
http://amzn.to/cumYZJ
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Template doodles <<
A single starting drawing followed by lots of
variations. Like a b3ta image challenge that's
only been entered by one guy. Who is off his
flipping rocker.
http://www.digitalbusstop.com/do-it-yourself-doodler/
>> Shitting Christ have you seen this? <<
If you're looking for an industrial painter, a
voyage is about to begin. @Glinner calls this
the best website ever and he's probably right.
http://industrialpainter.com/
>> Pulp's Common People as a comic book <<
Drawn by Jamie Hewlett as a giveaway for a
French edition of the single - and utterly
wonderful. BTW: Jarvis, if you're reading, can
you stand for Mayor of London? Cheers.
http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/CommonPeopleComic
>> Topical t-shirt about the USA politics <<
Very true and it made us lol.
http://www.unfeatured.com/apyrafz
>> Abandoned stuff around the world <<
Some great photos of things we don't need any
more. Beautiful, decay, innit?
http://www.artificialowl.net/
>> How to get from Japan to China <<
Direction 43 is particularly helpful
http://goo.gl/Y7zKd
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Owl vs Invisible prey
Owls are fucking cool man. We once met an owl
called Spike. He was awesome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Invisible_prey
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with a harder chair
>> Master Chef edited <<
Masterchef with cheap, nasty food. Loved this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Master_Chef_edited
>> Sesame Street's "There's an App for That" <<
Muppets sing the praises of the amazing iPogo.
http://youtu.be/EhkxDIr0y2U
>> Alan Partridge Returns <<
A triumphant return to the airwaves for local
radio's master of chat. Production paid for by
some beer company, who we're hoping will now
spend £££ on bringing back Nathan Barley. Or
Juliet Bravo.
http://goo.gl/PFBXt
>> 'One Song to the Tune of Another' <<
Huh. We remember linking to this Lilly Allen
song on her MySpace page - now they're mocking
it on Radio 4. Here's a compilation of our
favourite bits from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a
Clue'.
http://goo.gl/gmrQD
>> Simple effect, maximum lols <<
Try to watch this without smiling - or letting
that smile slowly slide into open mouthed
horror.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/simple_effect_maximum_lols
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
"I never knew jizz meant this"
Birdwatchers great at identifying seagull jizz.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jizz_%28birding%29
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY -> Lauren Harries
Our oh-so-imaginatively-titled @twitter section
In case you haven't noticed already - child
antiques expert turned transsexual Little
Britain fan Lauren Harries is on twitter and
doesn't shy from speaking her mind. Favourite
tweets?
* "Keith Allen, you are dead, and don't contact
me."
* "ex bizarre reporter contacted me to say I
should tell the papers about me and russell
brand having sex nevr occurred to me"
* "Philip schofield has canvassed TV companies
to stop me working -thought I was going to show
my bits, hasn't got over the shock."
http://twitter.com/laurenotw
-------------------------------------------------
: APOLOGIES SECTION
Because saying sorry is only hard if you lisp
>> Please don't sue us Howard Jones <<
Carcrash writes, "I've been a
member/lurker/subscriber long enough to know
what B3ta is like and the comment about Howard
Jones in the Newsletter makes me feel a bit
icky. If it's true then berate and take the
piss out of me but if it isn't you should
apologise in the next Newsletter. This isn't
Nathan Barley, it's real life and any
connotation to anyone and the Sex Offender
Register can ruin that person's life whether
the allegations are true or not."
Sorry Howard and Carcrash - it was just a joke
that's not meant to be taken seriously - no
evil intent - but we take your point and offer
humble apologies to Mr Jones.
>> Please don't sue us Dadaixtab <<
Last week we suggested an order for bodily
fluids beyond the standard number 1 = poo, 2 =
wee stuff. Dadaixtab complains, "The more I
think about it the angrier I GET. It's
obvious... NUMBER 3 IS PUKE!!! NUMBER 4 is
SPUNK!!!" He was so incandescent with rage that
he sent us two emails on the subject. Sorry.
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: MUSHROOMS
Our readers are experts in fungal growth
* I SPOT MUSHROOMS - spnorman77 writes, "In the
last B3ta newsletter, whatspauldoing asked if
someone could put together a mushroom
identifier app. I don't know of such an app,
but one possibility is the Open University's
newish website iSpot. It's completely free to
use. You can upload a photo of a mushroom (or
any living organism, for that matter) and the
OU's panel of experts around the country will
try to identify it for you."
http://ispot.org.uk/
* PROFESSOR LOLS - hobday writes, "I had this
problem too, so I took my finds to our botany
department where I met an aged professor on the
point of retirement. I showed him my finds and
he sorted them according to edibility. Then he
turned to me and said, 'You know, Mr. Hobday,
you can eat any mushroom... once.'"
* HOW TO DO IT - flatfrog writes, "I know a bit
about the fungi, and I can tell you why this
would be a bad idea: it's hard to tell tasty
from deadly via a photo, and I can imagine the
resulting legal bills being staggering. I think
a better option would be a dichotomous
key-based app, which asked a list of questions
(eg: does it have a ring around the stem? Does
it have gills or sponge? etc), with the option
of 'not sure' on all of them. I'd make it, but
I'm lazy.
"For what it's worth, the best advice I can
give (while assuming no liability for any death
or personal injury that may result) is: go for
the ones growing on the ground (not from wood)
with sponge underneath - they belong to the
family called Boletus and are almost all
edible. None of them are deadly poisonous, but
a couple of them can be bitter - a small taste
is usually enough to be sure. They mostly grow
in woodland, have autumnal-coloured caps and
the best ones turn blue when you cut them. Big
ones do tend to get maggoty, though. Oh - and
don't eat any wild mushrooms along with
alcohol."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the TV Idents Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make your own TV
channel idents. Your favourites included:
* TETRIS - if Channel Four don't use this idea
by the end of the year, we'll eat all our hats
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233018
* ANGLIA - Jeremy the Annoying Horse on another
clumsy rampage (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233955
* BEEB - number two puts the record straight
(benito_vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10234407
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/idents/
>> New challenge: Impossible Weapons <<
Custard rockets, feather swords, and doomsday
devices made of string. Invent them, then post
them. Drawings, animations or full-scale
replicas built in your garden are all accepted.
Challenge suggested by HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/weapons/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MAGGIE THATCHER, NEWSLETTER SNATCHER -
@jearle writes, "I don't think
http://isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ will make it a
fourth week in a row for the b3ta newsletter;
nothing new has happened." Hmm, this is true,
but we did get an email suggesting that we run
a Maggie-based image challenge, so people can
use them for t-shirts to celebrate her death.
Thing is, we reckon she's been dead for years
but the Tories just haven't told anyone.
* HITLER T-SHIRTS - a long time ago Monkeon did
an Hitler icon for our board; in poor taste of
course, but that's our site. Then we stuck it
in our t-shirt shop in an act of self-sabotage
as simply no one in their right mind would
actually buy it. This is true; we think it sold
maybe 2 shirts. And now? Well of all the
unlikely things to be ripped off by the
Thailand T-Shirt market.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/01/8-bit-hitler-t-shirt.html
* CYRIAK ZOMBIE CAT COSTUME - B3tans Sarah
Brown and Cyriak's work has been immortalised
in clothing. Cyriak writes, "I'm so proud! Love
to have seen people's faces when they saw that
on their doorstep."
http://goo.gl/rB9ZE
* MANY, MANY EMAILS ABOUT TUBE EXITS - most of
them suggesting getting an iPhone app via
http://www.tubeexits.co.uk/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOL SCATS - Scat porn with captions like
"SRY, I HAS EATED UR CHAWKLIT CAEK"
* WHAT THE FUCK HAS THE COALITION DONE SO FAR?
- a variation on the Obama one, but probably
better played for lols with stuff like, "chased
the poor out of London on horseback"
http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/
* CAN YOU TELL WHAT IT IS YET? - upload
children's drawings and get people to guess
what they represent. We're fucked if we know
what our offspring are drawing.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
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-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mrmonkfish,
pissflaps, bluehamster, finnbar, sandcrack,
HappyToast, spacehog, neave, Muncee, Friz,
AttackOfTheRobots, chocolatelemming. Top
Tippery by Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush
KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly
difficult to log into b3ta.com Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
quefelli.
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TOP TIP:
Avoid confusion over whether to use "a" or "an"
...before words like "historic" or acronyms
like HTML, by always adding the word "fucking"
after the indefinite article. "This is a
fucking historic occasion". "I need a fucking
HTML expert".
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: SHOTDEAD KILL THE MEERKAT
Freebee ad because we bumped ShotDead last week
This week we take the piss out of meerkats, The
Guardian and One Direction. All hail Karl
Pilkington. Get involved...
http://bit.ly/aYSgm3
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