This Week:
* SONG - Millbank Wankers
* AUTOCORRECT - iPhone lols
* JUNK - Your redundant tech
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Did Thom Yorke ever
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | upgrade his OK computer
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and get a better one?
B3ta email 454 - 12 NOV 2010
Read this issue with your psychic third eye:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue454/
Waterboarding: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Waterbonging: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
Booze Amnesty
Partying around the clock is awesome but there
comes a point when your supplies get low and
you start wondering about quaffing that old
bottle of Creme De Menthe (or even Toilet
Duck) just to keep the night going. HELP IS AT
HAND! Upload your rubbish old booze to Glayva
Liqueur's facebook page and the most revolting
samples will be transformed into gorgeous
Glayva Liqueur, plus you may even win a VIP
trip to Edinburgh, where all the keenest
tipplers live.
http://on.fb.me/bHAD2l
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Protest Songs, Fingers and Bits of Essex
>> A song for the Millbank Wankers <<
"The dickheads who violently broke into Tory
HQ made me really angry," growls Dan Bull. "So
I wrote a song about what dickheads they are."
The last line succinctly summarises a lot of
people's feelings about the rogue student
rioters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_song_for_the_Millbank_Wankers
>> Hand fingers <<
Mutated Monty returns with another
brain-bending vid - It looks like the title
sequence to a TV show about staring at your
hands and realising you're having a breakdown.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/hand_fingers
>> Cassetteboy vs Essex <<
"Cassetteboy have been taking food from the
hand they had been biting," confesses
cassetteboy. "Which is a rather roundabout way
of saying that a TV company actually
commissioned us to cut up one of their
programmes. We have celebrated (or should that
be betrayed) our Essex roots, with this video,
Cassetteboy vs The Only Way Is Essex"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsVO1hsrOnI
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: NOT JUST BOOZE ADVERTISING; FAGS TOO
Sponsored linky time
Smoke at your desk and watch your boss's face.
New JAC Vapour e-cigarette - a true
alternative to smoking AND save money. For 20%
off, use code: B3TA1
http://tinyurl.com/37zfbr4
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Redundant Technology
We asked for the old bits of tech you have
lovingly hoarded because you just can't bear
to let them go. We so, so want Ring Of Fire's
clock and Inflateable's 1949 2-5/8" RB8 Acme
Gridley Automatic multispindle. Go look here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/betamax/
* "I recently threw away my collection of
printed pornography. I gathered all my mags
up, chucked them in a bin bag and dumped it in
my neighbour's bin. As I did so, I felt a tear
course down my cheek. There was no point of
leaving the collection in the woods for kids
to find, cherish and masturbate furiously to.
Bloody new-fangled internet ruining the
traditions of the past." (Crap Little Monkey)
* "There's nothing that fits the description
of redundant technology than the good, old-
fashioned letter. My best friend growing up
was Alan. Same age as me, we'd met at school
and became mates pretty quickly. This was the
early 90s. Although we were learning in IT
about a world-wide network of computers and
the prospect of electronic mail, it was still
a few years off and the main form of long
distance communication was by phone or letter.
Alan had a cousin a couple of years older than
us with whom he'd exchange letters every few
weeks - till one day Alan received a letter
full of the normal witterings, but signed off
in a way that he had never seen before. He
couldn't understand what the strange phrase
meant. So he went to his very conservative
mother. "Mum..." he asked, reading aloud from
the end of the letter, "what does 'See you NT'
mean?" It was only speaking it aloud, coupled
with the jaw-dropping horror displayed by his
mum, that made him realise he'd been properly
stitched up."
(SeasonTicketless)
* "I'm still using a Hawking-Heisenberg drive.
It never breaks, and even though it's a bit
less accurate than an iTravel, so what? It's
not like I'm going to end up before time
travel was invented and out of fuel."
(apeloverage)
>> This Week's Question: Protests <<
Have you sat in, walked out, smashed up the
head office of a major political party? Whine
at us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/protest/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Auto correct lols <<
In a really shitty UI decision, the iPhone has
a massively over-zealous autocorrect that
changes the odd word in almost everything you
type into something completely mental. It's
extremely easy to not spot this until after
you've pressed Send.
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com
>> Chewing gum art <<
In a move that we're stuggling to describe as
"like the Wombles meets Banksy", those with
eyes should check out this dude, who's using
pavement gum as his canvas. If we could
commission him we'd get him to do a series
saying things like, "stick it in the bin you
dirty bastards."
http://bit.ly/ajdT1C
>> Worst site ever #22 <<
Shit design is always good for a cheap laugh
and if we were a fuck-off ad agency like
Mother, this is exactly what our site would
look like.
http://bit.ly/bXSrkc
>> Science! Why don't McDonald's burgers rot? <<
You've probably seen that story about
McDonalds burgers not rotting because they're
"made of chemicals" but this lovely bit of
debunking tells a different tale.
http://goo.gl/1mJOy
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Real life, 3 inches wide. Like a fat mouse.
>> The Power Of Bob Marley Compels You! <<
Squalling brat instantly soothed by the
calming power of sweet reggae music. A banana
soaked in Tia Maria also works.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Power_Of_Bob_Marley_Compels_You
>> Blackstar Warrior! <<
The legendary, lost blaxploitation Star Wars
film. Lando Calrissian is a bad mother - shut
your mouth!
http://goo.gl/hX1Hw
>> Science saved my soul <<
Serious and emotionally involving vid, as a
chap describes his, well, his religious
experience. But his one was for science, so in
your face Jesus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6w2M50_Xdk
>> Favourable Lie <<
Bloke learns not to feel fear on the golf
course, in top-notch rum ad. Huzzah.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Favourable_Lie
>> Peter Sissons on Anne Robinson <<
Unguarded clip of Peter Sissons seeing Anne
Robinson for the first time in a while.
Definitely a hint of Chris Morris in there.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Peter_Sissons_On_An_Robinson
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny name follow ups! Jizz special
* CHUNKY JIZZ - Sub Rosa writes, "When I
started work with the RSPB three years ago I
went on a training course about bird watching.
Imagine my horror when the trainer calmly read
out his second slide entitled 'Great tits have
a distinctive, chunky jizz.' I had to pretend
to need the loo so I could go and cry."
* ARAB JIZZ - John Q. Wagonwheel writes, "I
recommend the first chapter of this (otherwise
head-meltingly boring) book by former
ambassador Mark Allen for lols. His framework
for the book is hilariously out of touch. As
he explains in his opener, "An ornithologist
would say I am interested in the jizz of the
Arab". And this is how he carries on. In the
space of two pages he follows through with
"Arabs have jizz, big jizz", explaining that
"there is an aspirational approach to
'Arab-ness', being an Arab, and it lies, I
believe, near the heart of the Arab jizz."
http://bit.ly/akBPS3 (Google books)
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Impossible Weapons Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent unlikely
weapons.
Your favourites included:
* PACINO - for when the Godfather gets really,
really angry (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10241279
* MUFFINS - a brilliant array of medieval
cake-based armoury (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10241173
* DARTH - Jedi knights prepare for battle with
deadly floral ammunition (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10240809
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/weapons/
>> New challenge: Modernise the Queen <<
With the Queen now a presence on Facebook,
Flickr and Twitter, she's obviously interested
in integrating more fully with modern society.
Show us how Her Maj should achieve this and
get down wiv da hip kids. Challenge suggested
by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernqueen/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GINGER FUHRER BURGLARY - "I've written a
poem addressed to the bastards who robbed the
flat yesterday. I'm fighting crime with art,"
snarls your now-very-annoyed flame-haired boss
man.
http://goo.gl/QEdjq
* ISTHATCHERDEAD, 5TH WEEK OF MENTIONS -
matthewbowler writes, "Just to keep it in the
newsletter for the fifth week, can I point
out that when I forwarded the link to my
missus she immediately thought it referred to
"That Cher" from X Factor."
http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk
* DAILY MASH CASH-IN BOOK - "I was wondering
if I could scrounge a mention in the B3ta
newsletter for our fab new book!" inquires
Daily Mash Paul. "It's very funny, though we
say so ourselves. And we really should meet up
for a beer or a coffee when I'm in London (I'm
based Glasgow)." We'll report back if we ever
indeed meet Paul for a beer / coffee - or is
he just trying to lure us with false promises
so we linky his book?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0956666205/b3ta-21
* MUSHROOM RETRACTION - we've had loads of
emails about which mushrooms you should or
shouldn't eat and, frankly, the best advice is
don't get any advice from B3ta on the subject
of eating fungus. If you've ever read anything
we've said on the subject, ignore it; you
might die. Having said that, we liked this
comment from 8bitwintermute, who writes, "When
eating wild mushrooms: keep some uncooked ones
back, so that when you drop to the floor
clutching your guts, your next of kin has
something to show the doctor in A&E."
* IN DEFENCE OF RICHARD HERRING - Clerk T
Hazarde writes, "You ought to apologise to us
all for including an advertisement for that
incorrigible cuntsucker Richard Herring in
last week's newsletter. He is a poor man's
Stuart Lee, who is a poor man's Ted
Chippington, who aspired to be a lorry driver.
Need I say more? He skipped in front of me in
the queue in a student bar once. And bought *a
coffee*. There you go. You have your orders."
Pah! - we like him. We recently read his book
about being old and behaving like a kid. It's
entertaining stuff and is actually better than
Stuart Lee's book which, although interesting
in parts, is basically a typed-out DVD
commentary to his recent stand up shows.
Anyway, seeing as we don't like the Herring
being dissed, here's a linky to his DVD again,
with a quote we give full permission to use
for a re-issue, "It's probably not shit; his
book was funny."
http://amzn.to/cumYZJ
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: BIRTHS MARRIAGES DEATHS
B3ta: the Internet's email newsletter of record
Long-term b3tan and Brummie pixel-fiddler
FoldsFive writes, "It might be cheeky (and
more than a tad soppy) but would it be
possible to thank the lovely Tara (a.k.a. Blue
Star) for making me the happiest man in the
world by marrying me last Saturday? Might be
worthy of note that a lot of the Internet
arrived and scrubbed up quite well
considering, and that Druid made an excellent
best man." Hooray! Hooplar! And here's hoping
there will be soon little b3ta babies you can
train up so our community doesn't die out.
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: FRIDAY GAME
White Jigsaw
Not some kind of KKK puzzle only playable by
our pale-faced brethren, but an addictive game
that gets bigger every time you complete a
screen.
http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/whitejigsaw/whitejigsaw.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A NEW FORM OF TWITTER - that doesn't have
anyone on it who works in law enforcement or
at an airport.
* FACETHEFEAR.COM - Help people overcome their
phobias through aversion therapy. Ask people
what their fear is, pop up a window with a
slide-show of youTube/image results and time
how long they can keep the window open.
* HIPSTR-TRACKR.COM - Collect where users of
foursquare and other geo-location sites are
hanging out right now and generate local maps
of areas blissfully free from hipsters.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Backstabbers: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by TomChivers,
Cliff Richard's porn stash, coliander, WiL,
Octamed, Palladium_NZ, sandcrack, Logovend,
davebirss, Smale Top Tippery by A Vagabond
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols suggested by @lukosan, well, they
flattared us and suggested we use a variation
on something we'd already used on twitter and
got 45 retweets. Our ego is that easily
pandered to.
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TOP TIP:
Fool friends and relatives into thinking
you've just got a cat by saying "I've just got
a cat."
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