This Week:
* VIDEO - Joel makes a bacon rocket
* HOMEOPATHY - And why we love it
* QUESTION ON GINGERS - Goes badly
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta closed by the BBC
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to save £8 per year"
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B3ta chainmail 418 - 5 Mar 2010
Read this issue out load on the train:
http://b3ta.
USB: b3ta-subscribe@
Firewire: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
USB Guitar Cable
Every time we don't flog an ad in the newsletter
we link to our last purchase on Amazon in the
hope of picking up a couple of affiliate
pennies. This week we've bought a USB cable for
our guitar in the hope we can plug it in directly
and use Garageband as an effects box. Will it
work? We'll tell you next week. Exciting.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We can't afford to feed our children. Please help.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than playing pocket billiards
>> Bacon Rocket <<
"Hey dude," gleets Veitch, "New thing for this
week is the bacon rocket." Rather than the
expected crudely-fashioned gif of his
genitalia, it turns out this week Joel and his
highly-trained pork enthusiasts have genuinely
fashioned a real rocket, for real, from bacon,
sausage, toast, gunpowder and win. Then they
launch it out of the kitchen door. Mrs Joel is
less than pleased.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Homeopathy vs Science - a Metaphor <<
"I tried to sum up the whole homeopathy vs
science debate using a simple metaphor,"
explains Jaffa The Cake. Just don't come
running to us when you need someone to
homeopath your arm back on.
http://www.jakearch
>> Dear BBC <<
"So BBC 6 and Asian Network are facing the
chop," muses Dan Bull. "I have written a
musical letter to the BBC to voice my concerns.
I wonder if they'll show this on Points of
View?" Well they might, as Dan has already been
invited onto Sky News over this song. Gosh the
internet moves quickly these days.
http://snurl.
>> Trippy money arty thing <<
"For the last two years I've been stamping UV
skulls over the Queen's face on all the money
that I get out of the cash-point," confesses
shardcore. "There's now thousands of
pounds-worth floating around the UK economy."
http://www.b3ta.
>> Ransack your dignity <<
"I did all my clubbing in the early 90's when
there weren't digital cameras or Facebook,"
explains this site's owner. "I did some dumb
shit while drunk, but it wasn't all over the
interwebs to haunt me the next morning. Unlike
these poor sods." Let's all laugh at people
younger than ourselves, going out at night and
having a good time. Ha! The dolts.
http://www.RansackY
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Gingers
Last week we asked for your experiences of
gingerism. Your Ginger Fuhrer was genuinely
interested, but it seems most of you wanted to
either protest, tell ginger jokes or show off
your tits:
http://b3ta.
Most of your activity seems to have been
discussing Exempt's blatant exhibitionism,
but her fantastic "insult bingo" card more
than makes up for it:
http://snurl.
>> This Week's: Unwritten letters <<
We'd like your undelivered letters: apologies,
anger, declarations of love and the things you
want to say to people, but can't or didn't get
the chance to. Write to them here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Re-pink your labia <<
Older women - worried about colour-loss in your
special ladies' region? Well maybe you should
worry. And then ease those worries by
purchasing a pot of this... vagina paint?
http://snurl.
>> Great response to stupid Facebook status <<
Pretty much what it says in the title. A
surprisingly long-ish read and NSFW with
swearing, if your boss is some sort of
atom-freak with microscope vision.
http://i.imgur.
>> Noooooooooooooo <<
Push the button if your puny human voice can't
show enough distress. Darth Vader feels your
pain.
http://www.nooooooo
>> The people of the London School of Economics <<
"The London School of Economics has put photos
of the staff online from the early 90's,"
explains Kevin Meredith. Lovely collection of
classic nerds.
http://snurl.
>> How programming books used to look <<
These days a codey manual probably has some
bearded numpty on it, or a line drawing of an
elk. The 1980s was a better place:
http://bit.ly/
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Go to google translate. Type in "lick".
Translate it into Arabic. Copy the third one
down in the verb column and paste it into the
area where you type. Translate it back to
English. We laughed.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like ceefax but with a back button
>> OK GO + Budget = win <<
The kings of Youtube are back with another of
their OMG-did-you-
you wish they were as good songwriters as they
are video directors. BTW: Our new one-size-fits-
all insult we lay on our songwriting web-mong
friends is, "Hey, you're the chaps with the
treadmills. I love you guys."
http://bit.ly/
>> Australian Stutter rap <<
Readers of a certain age will remember Morris
Minor and the Majors and their sublime Beastie
Boys parody Stutter Rap. But like every joke in
this world, it's done better by Australians.
http://www.youtube.
>> One of those upload your face vids <<
But a fun one, partly because it's so over the
top and the idea of being popular in Sweden is
our kind of popular.
http://en.tackfilm.
>> Trololololololololo
A grinning robot lip-syncs babble at you, in an
impossibly cheesy lounge version of hell.
Welcome to 1970 Soviet light entertainment and
the musical stylings of Edward Hill. The new
Rick Roll? Certainly the most-sent-in-
week anyway.
http://trololololol
>> Bananas exploding on face <<
Performance art meets slapstick. WTF.
http://snurl.
>> Susan Boyle in Japan <<
Is it racist to like this Asian remake of the
legendary Susan Boyle discovery clip? Japanese
SuBo and Japanese Simon Cowell are very
convincing. Japanese Piers Morgan is...
frightening.
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still about as funny as cancer
* FANNY CUNT - It's a real name. Just check the
1891 census!
http://www.your-
* DIRTY CHEMISTS - Filthy molecule structure:
http://pubs.
* BONE PAPERCLIPS - From above they look like
adorable doggy bones. From below... eh, not so
much.
http://snurl.
* THE BRIAN - Schoolboy error from 'Cardiff's
largest FE College'. Check the pic just above
the link for dyslexia support.
http://snurl.
* BLAXPLOITATION BISCUITS - "I just bought
these from the shop downstairs," beams
andrewdenmead. "I believe they are from Turkey."
http://snurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hospitals Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make Hospitals
dangerous
Your favourites included:
* VOTE - political satire at its most
sharp from the aptly named (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.
* PONY - in which Jeremy The Annoying
Horse goes in for an operation (Fresh
Water Mole )
http://www.b3ta.
* HULK - we're not sure what's going on,
here, or why it's relevant, but it sure
is spectacular (Faceburger)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Superheroes in History <<
Superheroes are immortal and never appear
to age, so lets show them as we know
them, but throughout history: defending
the Victorians, protecting dinosaurs and
dining in the court of Henry the 8th.
Challenge suggested by PhillieJoe
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPAMMER REVENGE - earlier this week someone
spammed the board and your Ginger Fuhrer was
bored so he turned it into a jingle / video
because they say, "write about what you know."
http://www.b3ta.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Sushi Cat
Cute, silly game where your aim is to drop the
pleasingly squishy main character until there's
no more sushi left for him to eat.
http://www.freeweba
>> BONUS: Super-annoying wordy game <<
"Two and a bit years ago you guys featured my
SUPER LETTER GAME," boasts Catfurnace. "I've
finally got off my arse and made a follow up -
the even more annoying WORD SHOOT. It'd be
awesome to be featured again, especially as I'm
job hunting."
http://www.lawrieca
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BRIAN BLESSED SATNAV - Rich writes, "I am
attempting to bring to the world the Brian
Blessed Sat Nav. I have to admit to a certain
amount of self interest, in that I want one.
Bad. Not a stupid third rate "impersonation"
sat nav, but proper Brian. In my car. Shouting
directions with slightly bewildered gleeful
beardiness." So if you want this to happen
please join Rich's Facebook group. BTW: We once
had a similar fantasy about getting William
Shatner to voice our "ShatNav".
http://snurl.
* AN EXTRA SOUND PROOFED ROOM FOR PLAYING THE
DRUMS - we've always fancied learning the drums
but never lived anywhere where this would be
practical. Why should life be so cruel?
* STRANGLEWANK THE FLASH GAME - some kind of
balancing act between passing out and
masturbation. You work out the details because
we're too busy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via pickspicks,
fgrainger, ransackyourdignity, Kantia,
simonbadger, jdkpummel, planearm, Rainbow Dave,
Darklord, Splather, imoen_uk,
monkeyseemonkeydo, Diamondflamer. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia via MICK
THE MAG. Love to Splather's mother. Top tip via
Spaff_Quaffer. Subjtrolling via
theoriginalsteve. And @trullock, cm6051,
@sumarumi, @ahughes1988 and @TomUP.
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TOP TIP:
Can't get your drawer closed due to it being
full of marital aids? You can save space by
placing your cockrings onto your dildo, and
storing your dildo inside your fleshlight.
------------
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an
abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
http://www.sickiped
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