This Week:
* ANIM - Fast-paced sketch show
* VINTAGE - past-times print ads
* MASHUP - Usher and a goat
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B3ta email 410 - 8 Jan 2010
Also available on Metal Compact Cassette
http://b3ta.
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: "SPONSORED" LINK
Books we read this Xmas
As it's January and we haven't organised
ourselves to sell any proper advertising -
here's a quick list of books we read over Xmas.
They're mostly music ones - we especially
recommend The Last Mad Surge of Youth by Mark
Hodkinson.
http://snurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Big section because there's a backlog of stuff
>> Asdfmovie II <<
"Animated by me, created by my friend, says
Scrambled Edd of this quickfire animated sketch
show. Unflagging pace and inventiveness.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Letter to Anjem Choudary <<
B3tan Dan Bull's heartfelt appeal to
publicity-hungry Muslim lawyer Anjem Choudary.
"After seeing all the fury at the planned march
in Wootton Bassett, I thought I'd respond with
something a little more civilised," says
rapper Dan.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Nebulon-B frigate. In LEGO <<
"I thought it was going to break during the
build a couple of times," explains mediocre,
"So I'm proud that I actually managed it." 'It'
is a gigantic Lego version of one of the more
obscure Star Wars spaceships. Mightily
impressive and had us going "Cor" and peering
at the photos for ages.
http://www.mocpages
>> 7 Gigapixel image over London suburbs <<
"Here's a large (just under 7 gigapixel) image
taken from the top of Tolworth tower in
Tolworth, SW Greater London," pipes wjh31.
"It's comprised of approx 700 shots with Canon
500D and 55-250IS @250, 400mm equiv." You can
zoom in from miles away to spy on people's
gardens like a voyeuristic eagle. Crazy that
you can now pull this amazing stuff off with a
sub-£500 camera.
http://lifeinmegapi
>> Squid Eric <<
Jaunty shanty from Joel and the boys tells the
story of handsome Eric and his unusual
squid-spinning skills. Last verse is
particularly full of win.
http://www.rathergo
>> Birthday cats <<
"This is a song and video produced for JibJab
by me and Dave," sings Rob. "I thought up the
rough idea for the video in Old Street tube
station 1hr before the first Sickipedia night.
I was waving my fingers around going, 'it could
be like this!'
http://sendables.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sexism & Schadenfreude
We had two questions over Christmas, and as
ASCII is expensive this time of year, we'll
save on characters and only pick our favourite
two of each.
>> Schadenfreude <<
* BLIND-MAN CHICKEN - "I helplessly watched as
two blind men wielding white canes walked smack
bang into each other, both ending up on their
arse. They simultaneously blustered, 'WATCH
WHERE YOU'RE GOING, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M
BLIND??!!'" (twattybanjo)
* MY DAD, THE POND CUNT - "My dad once
convinced my brother the frozen pond was OK to
walk across 'look' he said "I did it earlier,
you can see my footprints in the snow.'
Unsurprisingly my brother stepped on the ice ,
which gave way and landed him in a very cold
pond. Turns out my dad had been up earlier and
made footprints with a slipper on a stick."
(camel-related incident)
More stuff like this here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> Sexism, do your worst... <<
* HOLDING DOORS OPEN - "I like holding doors
open for both men and women particularly when
they're just a little too far behind you and
have to do that comedy little jog as they feel
bad about holding you up. With women you get
the added bonus of a jubbly jiggle."
(pixel_fucker)
* OLD GAGS ARE THE BEST - "A woman gets pissed
at a party and starts masturbating in full view
of everyone, that's sexy. I do the same thing
and I'm looking at a court appearance, an entry
on the sex offenders register and a community
service order." (SpankyHanky)
http://www.b3ta.
>> This Week's Question: Vomit <<
It's been nearly six years since we last asked
about your worst vomit, so: Tell us tales of
what went in, what came out and where it all
went after that.
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Collection of old print ads <<
Kept us busy for longer than we thought -
particularly amazed that Camel still run highly
sexualised images to sell cigs in the 2000s.
http://www.vintagea
>> Nic Cage as everyone <<
Like a photoshopping compo from 2002 but still
funny, if only for Nic as Michael Jackson.
http://niccageaseve
>> Games vs. Cupcakes <<
100 cupcakes (or fairy cakes as we call them in
B3ta HQ) each decorated with an image from a
game. And not just computer games but board
games too. Cute.
http://www.steelhea
>> What if Star Wars had Facebook? <<
Sticking gags into the facebook format is still
amusing enough for us not to scream, "yeah
yeah, think of a new joke."
http://themovieblog
>> 50 Best Protest Signs of 2009 <<
All the classics are here. Enjoyable ones
include:
* OMG gay sex is sooooo much better
* Teabagging our way to equality
and...
* I'm a right-wing lunatic
Frankly we reckon we're missing out not going
protesting. Must remember to do that in 2010.
Get the boarders to photoshop the signs, march
with the best ones - it would be great.
http://www.buzzfeed
>> Why didn't we think of this? <<
Handy instructions found on a camera on how to
return the camera.
http://www.thebored
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
70 fluffs!
One cute thing is a treat, while three is a
feast. Push your blood sugar dangerously high
with a collection of no less than 70 adorable
baby animals frolicking, sleeping and peeping
out from under wooly hats.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like CCTV but with sound
>> Celebrity Lullabies <<
Enjoyable appearance from Ricky Gervais on
Sesame Street. BTW: We just bought some old
Smash Hits yearbooks from eBay and enjoyably
found Ricky's old band Seona Dancing referenced
as people "you'll be hearing a lot more of in
1984." The same feature mentions Madonna,
Prince and err... Naked Eyes.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Kitty is a very BAD Mystic <<
Lovely exercise in feline voice dubbing.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Best mashup ever: Usher and a goat <<
We've just been reading the Usher page on
Wikipedia and trying to think up a joke - the
best we can come up with is the observation
that his 2001 album 8701 refers to his
contentious theory that a lady born in 1987
becomes "ripe" in 2001.
http://snurl.
>> Excruciating Phantom Menace review <<
"This work of critical genius breaks down the
many failures of Episode 1 like an old chest of
drawers," writes TommyShanks. To be honest, we
were loath to watch this as it's an hour long
and we've never seen Phantom Menace properly.
(We saw the first half hour, went to make a cup
of tea and didn't bother picking it up again.)
However this is ace - particularly enjoyed the
deconstruction of why films need a protagonist
at the start.
http://snurl.
>> How the Doctor Who tune was made <<
Some of you may think modern electronic music
was invented by Kraftwerk or Giorgio Moroder in
the 70s, but as any good sci-fi fan knows, the
real heavy lifting was done by Delia Derbyshire
in 1963 - and here's how she did it:
http://snurl.
>> Unfinished London aka Planning cockups <<
"A rather b3taish historical documentary about
how London planners messed up the Northern
Heights Plan," explains g256. Extremely
enjoyable, although doesn't mention one of our
favourite points from the 'The Undercover
Economist' book about how the green belt policy
in London is a major factor in the stupidly
inflated house prices we suffer from.
http://snurl.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Old-school phallic logo
"This is a real estate company in my town,"
chuckles fi5thelement. "I see these signs all
over the place and immediately think of b3ta!"
They must have thought long and hard before
choosing that logo.
http://www.ceciltra
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: THANKS FOR SHARING
Doggy lipstick
From the b3ta mailbox, Brian writes -
"I was passing through a Pikey camp in the snow
on Brighton seafront today and there, tied up,
was this sweet little Jack Russell who was
licking his parts (as they do).
"As I passed I made a noise and he looked up.
Then I saw it. It was too disturbing to
photograph. I thought he was sitting on a stick
of rhubarb. His doggy dick was about half the
size of him. It was bigger than mine and he is
a Jack Russell.
"This has really freaked me out." We're freaked
out too now, thanks Brian.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Two weeks of challenges, food & maths
Before Christmas we wanted you to play with
your food. Our faves include:
* LEGO - everyone's favourite construction toy
remade in 72% Venezeulan cacao (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.
* CAKE - magnificent alchemy of brown, pink and
yellow in this choco-sponge delight (Tagnut)
http://www.b3ta.
* MONG - the perfect instant snack for
feeble-minded fools (eccius)
http://www.b3ta.
>> Xmas challenge: Maths<<
To make Christmas a little more geeky we asked
you to explain stuff using maths. Some of our
favourites include:
* THINK OF A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 10 - thanks
to Ravenous Bugblatter Beast for this bit of
mental trickery.
http://www.b3ta.
* NOBODY LIKES THE SPORT QUESTIONS IN TRIVIAL
PURSUITS DO THEY? Frankly it makes it a game of
chance until someone gets asked something so
easy the answer is Graham Gooch. (brianftang)
http://www.b3ta.
* A GRIM "A CAN SMELL YOUR CUNT JOKE" - always
a hit with the ladies, this one. (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: alternative medicine <<
We thought we'd crowd source new ideas for
alternative medicine and therapy. So far our
favourite entry is arse candles.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WD40 ON BOG LIDS - We claimed that pubs use
it to stop people snorting powder in the bogs.
Not so, says BelladonnaAnodyne. "People can be
allergic to WD40 and if they innocently put
their hand on top of the cistern and touch it
they will die. Vaseline is the advised
substance to use. In the words of our creepy
health & safety seminar bloke whilst looking
over the women in the room: "NOBODY is allergic
to Vaseline..."
* SPUNK/OBSTACLES - "Further to your recent
coverage of [motivational book] 'Overcoming
Obstacles with Spunk'," writes Matt, "I was
delighted to quite literally come across the
author's beautifully-
http://circleoffrie
* IMODIUM ALTERNATIVES CONT. "Shit! (quite
literally). I completely missed your asking for
alternative runny bum cures a couple of weeks
back," regrets Chris Townsend. "But really you
need nothing more than codeine. It bungs you up
like nothing else on Earth and if you take
enough of it you can pretend you're on heroin.
What's not to like?"
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: FRIDAY GAME
Work and basketball
>> Every Day the Same Dream <<
Mellow, atmospheric soundtrack on this
minimalist game, where you play a faceless
office drone looking to escape from his humdrum
routine. Like a tiny, bleaker version of
Groundhog Day.
http://snurl.
>> Addictive basketball <<
Simple basketball simulator, with an online
competition element. Try to score as many goals
as you can. Or whatever it is you do in
basketball.
http://www.onlinega
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we're reading Smash Hits Yearbook
1984 and we're going to open it on random pages
to get inspiration.
* CROWD SOURCED HANDWRITING ANALYSIS - page 75
has a sample of Boy George's scribbles and
reckons he has an "unresolved emotional tie
with his mother." What about something where you
upload a sample of your writing and people vote
on one type of mental you are?
* DURAN DURAN SONGS - page 24 has a poster of
Duran Duran. Why not re-write Hungry Like the
Wolf to reflect Simon le Bon's love of dinner
time? "My tummy is growly and I'm seeing red.
Like wolves getting angry when they're not
being fed. do do do do DO DO!"
* DIY NEW ROMANTIC FASHION - page 39 has
Spandau Ballet in all their New Romantic pomp -
frankly we think you could achieve a similar
look from a few tea towels and some lippy. Get
to it, b3tans!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by intesvensk,
Hellzapoppin, Paper_clip, TommyShanks,
Lord_Munkee, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Swany,
Sir Sand Goblin and Bob Todd. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter subjlols
via drbroon. Other suggestions can be found on
here:
http://www.b3ta.
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I organised a threesome last night... There
were a couple of no-shows but I still had a
good time.
http://www.sickiped
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