This Week:
* CUTE - Sleepy things really are the best
* RUBBISH TOWNS - All your nominations in full
* CHALLENGE - Can you fake history?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving with
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B3ta email 403 - 5 Nov 2009
Read on your Psion Series 3:
http://b3ta.
Dinner: b3ta-subscribe@
Toilet: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Are you a concentration genius?
Multitaskers do it with both hands. Can you?
Have a go at
http://bit.ly/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
10p a mile sound ok? We'll give you a badge.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Science, fluff and online stalking
>> Love letters to Richard Dawkins <<
Joel and Dawkers in a tree. K.I.S.S.I.N.
Looking forward to what Veitch plans next.
Bumsex with Ben Goldacre?
http://www.rathergo
>> Fluffy time <<
Arnon has made a good observation and best of
all acted upon it, he writes, "Me and a mate
decided that floofy animals are all well, but
it's when they sleep that you actually go
BAWWWWW... So we made this..."
http://www.naptiem.
>> Facebook stalker interview <<
Michael Drake talking about how he trawls
facebook to find out about his ex. Alarming.
Produced by our very own BrokenToaster.
http://www.b3ta.
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Sickipedia comedy night is Tuesday - just a
quick reminder. Linky goes to full details:
http://www.flickr.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Rubbish Towns
Last week we asked you to help compile an A-Z
of shite places to live:
http://b3ta.
Here's to:
* Bolton, "Electricity is still seen as poncey"
* Princes Risborough, "boasts a huge elderly
community that will do their utmost to ruin
your day - so why not visit? It's a great town"
* Coventry, "We used to be one of the engineering
and car industry capitals of the world... now
we're lucky if we can find a petrol station
that hasn't been ram-raided. Most of our former
glorious manufacturing heritage has either been
demolished or is currently on fire."
* Savannah, "smells of rot and decay, partly
the southern swamp atmosphere that you can get
anywhere but mostly the pungent odour of buildings
and people slowly decomposing.
* Clacton-on-sea, "filled with the swaggering,
unwashed East End wide-boy types who exist
merely to transport gold sovereign rings from
place to place."
* Stoke, "where, in the 1990s, I once heard a
shopkeeper complaining about decimal currency."
and "SIX crap towns and trying to disguise
itself as a city."
In fact, we thought it'd be great if someone
compiled all 569 entries into a map to see if
there was ANYWHERE left worth living and, lo
and behold, NuffMuff's already done it:
http://b3ta.
>> This week: Teenage crushes <<
We'd like the teenage crushes that still make
you go a bit wobbly. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Strange Maps <<
To the uninitiated, maps appear to be
uncontroversial things - they represent
geography in symbolic form to help you navigate
the world. Strange Maps collects together
peculiar maps from the fringes of cartography.
Our favourite was the hexagon design for London
boroughs, but the whole site is full of win.
http://strangemaps.
>> YouTube crossfader <<
Brilliant, brilliant idea. Take two YouTube
videos and add a crossfader. We enjoyed
ourselves immensely mixing up Kylie Minogue
with Rammstein. Sounded like shit of course.
http://www.twoyoutu
>> What to call Lego bricks? <<
Lovely idea for a little survey here - chat to
some kids and find out what terms they invent
to distinguish between different Lego bricks.
Made us all nostalgic for a moment, and for the
record we used to use terms like 'flat sixer'
and 'blibby blob'.
http://snurl.
>> Bank robber notes blog <<
Skating the thin line between banal and
compelling. A collection of notes given to bank
stuff during robberies.
http://www.banknote
>> Rubik art <<
Never occurred to us before but the Rubik's
Cube is a 9 colour 3x3 pixel display unit and,
if you bung a few of them together, you can make
some pretty convincing pixel art.
http://snurl.
>> Low poly head <<
Eric Testroete describes how he built a large
'low poly' version of his head for his
Halloween costume. This would be a great visual
gimmick for a sketch show that needed a load of
celebrity masks.
http://testroete.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
I fucking love this stick!
Wil writes - "Good Moaning, simply a random
JPEG that made me giggle like a loon, maybe it
will you too."
http://dontclickthi
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because you haven't seem enough yet
>> Surgical cameras and singing <<
What happens if four people sing close part
harmony and with cameras inside their throats?
It's like Ridley Scott made an Alien Holiday
Special.
http://snurl.
>> Indian Beatles <<
Some cor blimey clip from a forgotten Bollywood
film, where rather over-enthusiastic young
Indian actors pretending to be the Beatles.
Though the sheer enthusiasm and dickheadery is
a little more Freddie and the Dreamers than the
Fab Four. We're hoping Bollywood tackles Duran
Duran next, or The Pet Shop Boys.
http://www.youtube.
>> How to make bacon soap <<
Sent in by carly291287 who informs us that this
link is "for Joel." We certainly can't wait for
young Veitch to cook up some bacon soap to
scrub down his man-flesh. He already cleans his
teeth with the paste squeezed from sausages.
http://www.instruct
>> Simon Cowell on shitty 80s gameshow <<
Simon Cowell's TV debut included here for WTF
value. Quite what he was doing as a contestant
on crap UK gameshow Sale of The Century is
anyone's guess. Our personal theory is that he
was learning how the TV industry worked from
the inside in a cunning Machiavellian plot to
bend it to his will. Or possibly he just
thought his mum would watch it. Still, he's as
cool as a cucumber dealing with the host -
Cowell is completely unflappable even as a
young man. Sinister really.
http://snurl.
>> Ferret Dance extended mix <<
Take one bouncy cover of Weezer's Buddy Holly -
add some cartoon ferrets and sync with some of
the best timed animation of recent years and
you have internet gold.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Baby Cthulhu - cute cartoon <<
Join us, won't you, as we join Cthulhu and all
his playtime pals in the magical world of
R'lyeh. Hooray! BTW: 'HP love craft' would be a
great but slightly misguided campaign for HP
printers and creativity. You can have that one
for free, advertising people.
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Hooray, it's comedy cut'n'paste lols time
* RACIST BREAKFAST CEREAL - you'd have thought
someone would have said something before going
to all the trouble of actually going to market
with this? Unless, we suppose, they don't
actually give a shit and this really IS racist
breakfast cereal.
http://www.whitesoa
* BIG CUNTY WRITING - lardpig writes, "Hello
dear boys. I went on a holiday to Brussels
recently and noticed this. Sadly, my girlfriend
forbade me from taking an amusing snap myself
but thankfully Google Images provided me with
one."
http://snurl.
* CUNDICK TRANSPORT - Concurrency writes, "It's
a van I saw in Bath earlier today. It's for
real. Yes it's only a little bit rude, but nearly
oh so much moreso."
http://snurl.
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: ASK B3TA
Like Ask Jeeves but without the butler
Last week we asked why we couldn't buy pig milk
- or 'pilk' as it's referred to in TV show Look
Around You. You, of course, replied in your
porky droves.
* YUCK - "My Dad used to work for an
agricultural suppliers in the 70s. As well as
things such as 10 gallon drums of ketamine and
giant blocks of hash smuggled in from abroad,
they supplied powdered pig milk. He told me
that once, they ran out of regular milk in the
office, so made up some pig-milk to use
instead. He said the high iron and fat content
made it taste like blood with double cream."
(XP)
* FROM A FARMER - Kaol writes, "I've wondered
about this before, so I took it upon myself to
ask a pig farmer. It turns out there are three
reasons:
"1) Pigs are wormy fuckers, which is why you
shouldn't eat raw pork-meats, however tempting
this is. The pigmilk has worm eggs in it, which
would grow inside you and possibly burst out,
like a horde of furious alien tendrils.
Possibly.
"2) Lady-pigs are angry, angry monsters that
are stronger than a small-ish giant. If you
tried to milk one, it could well break you into
pieces, eat you, and transform your body into
that delicious pig-milk that you so greatly
desired.
3) It's horrible. He wouldn't say any more than
that."
* PIG TITS - also Kev writes, "Hands, knees and
any other extremities can disappear in a flash.
It's a big mouth with a lot of teeth and very
angry. Never mind what the piglets are are
doing to your ankles. Plus there are typically
12 teats to go at. That keeps you busy." More
fully explained here:
http://jalanjalan.
* FISH AND CHIPS - this week Cowjam asks, "I
need help. Could your readers please tell me
whether it's best to hug my fish supper on the
way back from the chippy, because I'm warmer
than air, or to leave it dangling in the bag
because the air is thinner than me and so won't
transfer as much heat away? If I know which
method will keep my munch warmer I won't have
to use the microwave and global warming
bollocks, etc."
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: GROW A MOUSTACHE FOR CANCER RESEARCH
And the ladies will love you forever
Bizarre facial furniture is becoming annoyingly
popular with young people at the moment,
especially in Hoxton. We hope they all get lice
in their whiskers. All except the Ginger
Fuhrer's cousin Jack Badger who's growing his
for charity rather than for fashion.
http://uk.movember.
Other B3tans who are going for it include Joe
Scaramanga, Wildyles, Mr sausage and God Save
The Queen.
Also of note is this rather fabulous collection
furry princes in The Times.
http://snurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Royal Mail Challenge
Last week we wanted you to provide alternatives
to the Royal Mail.
Your favourites included:
* 39P - a nice reminder for anyone who doesn't
get why this nation's mail system might just be
worth protecting (zeltergiset)
http://www.b3ta.
* AXE - the postman's at the door, and he's
looking more than a little psychotic (fegg)
http://www.b3ta.
* RYANPOST - this would be funny if it wasn't
such an awful inevitability (zeltergiset)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Fake History <<
Everyone knows that the moon landing was faked,
but what if other things were? The ascent of
Everest? Germany's invasion of Poland? Show us
how famous historical events were faked.
Challenge suggested by Big Ian.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WRONG TONES - following up the gag last week
about spelling fuck in Morse code comes Wurzel
who writes, "I made this, and think it will
appeal to b3tans. It's a mobile ringtone that
says 'cuntflaps' in Morse code. Cheers.'
http://www.kaled.
* NICE WRITE-UP - paxvobiscum says, "As a long
time member I managed to get B3TA into the
weekly Top 10 list to spread the good word to
our American chums. I'd advise looking at it
sooner rather than later before the sub-editor
gets his joyless paws onto it."
http://www.v3.
* TWITTER ANTIPATHY RUMBLES ON - Ysol writes,
"I don't get the appeal of Twitter; you might
as well have Big Ben going BONG every hour for
all the good it does...." And so he's made
exactly that and there's over 6,000 people
following it already.
http://twitter.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tetris stickman
Neat little game remix idea - you play a ninja
who has to avoid the falling Tetris blocks.
http://www.playtetr
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* B3TARD SPANX CHALLENGE - Official b3ta wife
Lucy wants to you lot to see how many pairs of
spanx you can squeeze on at the same time. And
where does all the fat go? Into your neck?
(Thanks Lucy for helping us here.)
* UNIQUE CHILD NAME THINGIE - thelimopit asks,
"everyone has high hopes for their spawn, but
googling most people's names gives you a slew
of unrelated and inconsequential results. And,
usually, tits. Someone should make a system
whereby you can input your surname and find the
least common first name for that particular
surname. Hey presto, instant unique name
generator." Also could be extended to see if
the URL / Twitter name is available.
* THE INFINITE CHAV PROJECT - jeffrey44 has
spotted this photo in The Sun and made the
connection with The Infinite Cat Project. We're
wondering if we have any lower class readers
that might like to help out.
http://snurl.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wub, cr3,
moonmouse, perkusfux, funky2009, Mongrel,
the_log_knows, Stuzo. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via tricyclic_looper.
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I don't think my goldfish appreciates his
castle. Ungrateful little shit.
http://www.sickiped
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