This Week:
* SONG - Letter to Lily Allen
* CHALLENGE - Hollywood pun porn film titles
* QUESTION - Your IT support tales of woe
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B3ta email 398 - 2 Oct 2009
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: SPONSORED LINK
Smile and the whole world smiles with you
Smiling is the universal sign of wellbeing.
It's scientifically proven that smiling makes
you feel and look happier, healthier and more
attractive. So as it's World Mental Health Day
on Saturday 10th October, get smiling with the BBC:
http://www.youtube.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then phone us on 01 811 8055.
Actually that's the old number for Swap Shop,
so just use the form instead:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lily Allen, Credit Crunch and 28 days later
>> Letter to Lily Allen <<
A link that's been everywhere this week but was
launched on our very own B3ta Links is Dan
Bull's letter to Lily Allen. It's great because:
1. Adding Lily after every line is
extraordinarily catchy and reminds us of that
joke letter to Richard Branson a while back.
2. It makes its point without resort to name
calling and calling her music shit. (We rather
like her here, despite her silly views)
3. It's just so bloody epic.
http://www.b3ta.
>> I Spot Credit Crunch <<
Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave made this
yonks ago but it's taken time to go live - hope
you like some of the jokes, we spent bloody
ages doing it.
http://www.e4.
>> 28 Days Later, in one minute, in one take. <<
Cap'n writes, "Hello! Is this too late for the
newsletter? I've just finished the new one
minute, one take film - it's 28 Days Later. We
were going to have the Christopher Eccleston
guy say, 'I'm here to help you... help you with
RAPE', but we decided that this was terrible.
But yes, very much hope you like it."
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
IT Help Desk
Last week we asked for your tales of the IT
help desk. One of the few jobs where browsing
B3ta all day is not only possible, but
compulsory:
http://b3ta.
* STUCK IN A DOOR - "We had an extremely
aggressive Dept Head in one bit of the company,
who was renowned throughout for the bollockings
he liberally distributed and his no-nonsense
manner. He was also a boozer and schmoozer, and
a bit of a porker. Let's call him Jim Clark.
One afternoon when he was out on the lash, his
Department concocted a test to see just how
scary he was. They would email various people
round the building with ridiculous requests and
see how quickly they were complied with. One
email to Facilities went 'SENT FROM MY
BLACKBERRY' appended to the end, saying 'I'm
stuck in the door to my office. Send someone to
free me, NOW!' Sure enough, two blokes in
overalls turn up five minutes later, looking
apprehensive, to find a department in hysterics
and no Jim Clark stuck in the door."
(SnowyTheRabbit)
* STAR SPOOGE - "I was once hired by a swanky
London meeja agency as their resident nerd
because I `looked good bending over'. Having
great tocks generally doesn't send a girl geek
to the dizzying heights of IT support mastery,
but it got me a job and that job paid for beer.
One of the reasons that they needed a fine
filly to crawl around underneath desks was
because of their high-profile clients. These
were international stars, genuinely some of the
biggest names in the world. Who liked porn. I
received one laptop from an international star.
It was caked in sperm. It was splodged
everywhere, and there wasn't any way I was
going to bloody touch it. I decided to have a
word with the MD: "I understand that X is a
very powerful man, but he submitted his laptop
and it was covered in 'white stuff'" "Ah, don't
worry. He's got a bit of a problem with
cocaine." "Ah, erm, ah, no. I meant that every
damned inch of his laptop is covered in
ejaculate." An ungodly amount of antibac wipes
and rubber gloves later, I found out that his
laptop was well and truly fried after a year of
semen seepage. Did he never consider cleaning
up after himself?" (TheSnark)
* BLADESERVER - "Can I just say to all the
people who work in IT, IT/Support and hate
their jobs? Fuck off and get a new career. I've
now got over 25 years service in and I can't
think of a better career... I've seen things
you people wouldn't believe. Sun-servers on
fire over the shoulder of Ryan. I watched
tape-reels glitter in the dark near the
Mailgate. All those backups will be lost in
time, like tears in rain. Time ... to die."
(Legless)
>> This Week's Question: Neighbours <<
We have a theory about neighbours - the ones
that have lives are busy having lives and don't
need to pester you, whilst the ones you want to
be friends? Be very afraid indeed.
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Laughing at Yahoo Answers <<
"Have you seen this joy-factory?
celebrity newsletter reader Ben Goldacre. He
also suggests we should do a Question of the
Week on hitchhiking but as we've never ever
thumbed a lift we were less sure about that.
http://badquestions
>> Will you marry me? <<
Bloke makes a sign saying, "Marry me Jennifer"
but then follows it will another 4 signs that
rub salt into the wounds. Revenge is a dish
best served on a billboard. Keep pressing next.
http://bit.ly/
>> The power of make-up <<
Really eye-opening series of pictures showing
how incredible the effect of make-up can be -
reminds us of that old gag, "Why do women wear
make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and
they stink." BTW: If any B3tan man wants to do
a similar experiment then send it in.
http://www.oddityce
>> Dating site lols <<
A 28 year-old guy makes a profile of a hot girl
on a free dating site and keeps a record of the
conversations. You might assume this would be
all about getting blokes to do horrid sex chat,
but no, it goes off in an entirely different
direction that's 100% on the money - there's
desperate spinsters on these sites with their
egg-clocks a-ticking.
http://nofirstdate.
>> Old people are cool <<
A couple of links we're running together as
they're variations on a theme. The first being
photos of your parents looking cool, and the
second being photos of mostly old people, who
if you're young you might be able to take style
inspiration from. Seeing as we spotted blokes
wearing pink tights in London's Shoreditch
recently, we reckon anything goes. That's why
we're wearing a rara skirt and deely boppers.
http://myparentswer
http://accidentalfr
>> Emails from Adland <<
A collection of emails sent from people working
in advertising to people working in
advertising. It's wonderfully voyeuristsic -
and as we haven't worked regularly in an office
since about 2001 - it almost makes us nostalgic.
http://emailsfromad
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Must return your downloads else you'll get fined
>> Bloke scares the shit out of his girlfriend <<
Boyfriend places dummy head on the pillow and
then wakes her using a broomstick. We know it's
meant to be funny, but it's more like the work
of a psychopath in training. Still, guys will
watching it hoping the girl is hot.
http://acidcow.
>> Gayest cat in the world <<
According to wikipedia, "Jazz hands is a
gesture that projects exuberance often
associated with the performing arts." Well,
what Wikipedia doesn't know is that it was
invented by cats. BTW: Cats also invented being
aloof, hissing and passive-aggressive shitting
in people's shoes.
http://www.flickr.
>> 'Bacon is good for me!' <<
"Have you done the Bacon Is Good For Me kid
yet?" asks kittwalkerphoto. Erm no, mainly as
we saw the remix and didn't realise quite how
good the original was.
http://www.youtube.
>> Graphic Designer vs client <<
Anybody who's ever had a client - nor just gfx
nerds - will find something to recognise in
this video. BTW: Our tip for difficult clients?
Hide from them until they stop employing you.
http://www.youtube.
>> Japanese Carter USM <<
OK, for the young people at the back, in the
early 90s there was a really shit indie band
called Carter USM. They were dreadful - they
looked crap and their songs were rotten. Who
would have thought that nearly 20 years later
there would be a Japanese tribute act? Thank
you internet, we've now seen it all.
http://www.youtube.
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: WHY YOU SHOULDN'T VEET YOUR FACE
Our members write in, in their droves
Last week we suggested our members use ladies'
depilatory creme on their faces instead of
shaving - it seems that many of you have had
similar thoughts whilst bored in the bathroom
and with disastrous consequences:
* "BURNED LIKE FUCK!" - "Please don't ask blokes
to Immac (or Veet) their beard ! I tried it
about 20 years ago, having got really, really
bored with shaving. What happened ? It BURNED
LIKE FUCK, my face swelled to about twice its
normal size and was bright red, painful and
tender for three sodding days. Not a single
sodding hair fell out." (The Mighty Gusset)
* "TOOK WEEKS TO HEAL!" - "Facial hair removing
creams specifically tell you not to put it on
your neck. A few years back I disregarded this
warning and my neck turned into one veiny,
giant 'love bite' which took weeks to fully
heal. Hair removal creams chemically burn the
skin if left on longer than it says on the
packet. A fraction of the recommended time is
enough to damage the thin skin on the neck. The
packets say don't use it on your neck, and I
can personally endorse this. (loveaintgonnawait)
* "OLD LADIES' CHINS!" - "my now-deceased nana
used to use it on her lady beard. You know,
those tough stray hairs on old ladies' chins.
She would slather it around her mouth, and
then, instead of using the palette knife like
remover, she would scrape it off with a butter
knife. All whilst sat at the kitchen table.
When done, the knife would have a quick rinse
and then be put back in the drawer. Lovely
lady, honestly." (Marcella)
* "NO MORE SKIN!" - "I remember guy at my
school did this and it successfully took off
the hair from his beard. It also took all the
skin off his chin with it." (mikearthur)
* "BRIGHT PURPLE!" - "I used to work with a guy
who was phenomenally hairy. He'd shave on a
morning and by the time he got to work he'd
have half an inch of stubble. One day he
thought "bugger it, I'm sick of looking like a
bloody wino all the time, I'll use some of that
stuff the wife does her legs with" and
liberally blethered half a tube of the foul
caustic slop about his fuzzy chops. When he
reached work, his face was indeed entirely
hairless. Unfortunately it was also bright
purple and twice its usual size, and we could
still smell the burning as the relentless Immac
continued its grim task deep inside the poor
sod's follicles. Immac on the face - don't try
this at home, kids." (ratbag)
* "THREADS-Y RADIATION VICTIM - "Immacing a
beard? I'm ashamed to say that I did that at
about the age of seventeen. I'd been shaving
for 5 years by then and with some kind of
half-arsed teenage logic thought that my mam's
depilation cream would be a real time-saver, as
well as making stubble rash a thing of the
past. 15 minutes later and my jaw reeks of eggs
and ammonia and my stubble is coming off in
uneven clumps. I persevere however. 45 minutes
later and I'm resembling a tear-streaked,
Threads-y radiation victim, my neck is burning
white-hot like it has a vicious space-STD. I
stop persevering and reach for the razor,
wincing. It's about four hours until the
devil-egg smell fades, and four DAYS later that
the burning and angry redness finally subside.
There are still a couple of patches of my beard
zone where hair will still not grow, thirteen
years on." (Doran)
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ooooooh. Rudies!
* KUMON KIDS - The maths-based funny name that
just keeps on giving. Surely somebody has told
them by now?
http://www.kumon.
* MINGE TENNIS - How did Boabmaster find this
unfortunate lady? "I was basically googling
'minge tennis'," he sheepishly admits.
http://www.wmalumni
* ARSE SPORT- Well, any hole's a goal... would
have been a better gag if this wasn't clearly a
bike shop.
http://www.arsespor
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: SHIT INTERNET DRAGONS' DEN
Advertising on bog roll
"Hello crap-dragons,
"Maybe a feature in the newsletter will make us
all billionaires!
scheme is printing classified ads on toilet
paper. We understand the same thinking was
behind putting Osama Bin Laden's face on bog
roll - and now he's the most-loved man in the
world.
http://www.lavad.
If you've got a really crap internet business
that makes people go, "wtf? that's just stupid"
then get in touch.
http://b3ta.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Modern Bible Challenge
Last week we asked you to bring the Bible up
to date for today's youth. We got long term
B3ta fan, the Revd. Robbie Pearson to find
the entries that were, in his words, "not
only funny but make really excellent
theological sense":
* 10 MORE COMMANDMENTS - "Brilliant and so true.
Hmm, must get this one into a sermon -
are there copyright issues?" (mushroom)
http://www.b3ta.
* BIBLE CLASSES - "Frankly don't understand a
word of it, but that's why we have exegesis."
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.
* GOD SWAP - "At first sight this seems obvious
but it has deeper layers which made me ponder
the nature of it all. Whatever that is."
(squidboot)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Reborn As Porn <<
Take existing films, books, video games, whatever
and remake them as porn movies:
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BORING LIFE MESSAGES - in In newsletter 394
we asked for, "FUCK OUR LIFE - FML for married
people." BadBadman replies, "Well I came up
with something for grownups along those lines
(but SFW)."
http://www.thingsyo
* BRITA WILL NOT FILTER PISS - pixel.guru
complains that our recent requests is 100%
nonsense, "You can't just use a Brita filter to
make wee drinkable. You have to use a reverse
osmosis pump to get all the yucky ions and
things out, but it still tastes a bit like wee.
I saw it on this 'ARE THESE HOLLYWOOD THINGS
POSSIBLE' show years ago, and then again when
brainiac stole the idea."
* DOES SPUNK GLOW UNDER UV? - Kipper writes, "I
used to work in Preston, Lancashire's Premiere
Shite Discotheque and you would often see ropey
slappers inadvertantly dancing under the UV
lights with bright blue splodges on their chin!"
Although another B3tan SLVA says it doesn't
work on fresh semen, only dried semen, "I
bought a handheld UV-blacklight thing and spunk
was the first thing I tested with it when I got
home. In my experience, no it doesn't. Skip
forward a year or two, and we're replacing the
bedroom carpet and noticed some peculiar
markings on the floorboards. I dug out the
blacklight and the boards lit up like the walls
in a rave warehouse. Or a crime scene,
depending on your point of view. As gross as it
sounds, it was then that I realised where Mrs
SLVA had been flicking/spitting my nocturnal
emissions after bedtime fun." Nice, and we bet
she's happy with your sharing that story.
SLVA also suggests that we should "Get a UV
lamp, go in the bathroom in the dark and you'll
know what Howard Hughes felt like in his final
years." As John Lennon sang, "Instant OCD's
gonna get you."
* WILL 2P DROPPED FROM ON HIGH KILL YOU?
Nirmeth writes, "Nope - because a penny spins
its drag is so large when it's horizontal that a
penny will reach a terminal velocity of about
30mph on average." Also many of you sent in
the mythbusters link on the same idea:
http://www.youtube.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GPS BEER IPHONE THING - robertptaylor
suggests, "As the office clock slowly ticks
around to knocking-off time, someone mentions
going for a well-deserved, cool, refreshing
pint - but where?
"This is where my idea comes in - an iPhone
application that uses the phone's inbuilt GPS
capabilities and tells you which of the pubs
nearest to you;
"a) have beer gardens b) if said beer garden is
still in the sun and c) for how much longer."
* MAKE MONEY FROM DODGY 0900 NUMBERS - tommygun
writes, "I've got a few great moneymaking
ideas. When I say great, I mean shit.
1. Rent a billboard, and get a couple of 0900
premium rate numbers from BT. Put up on massive
billboards something very controversial i.e.
Should black people be allowed to mow the lawn?
vote YES 0900 -- -- -- vote NO 0900 -- -- --
2. Get another 0900 number from BT. Hire a van.
Get a 'how's my driving?' sticker with the 0900
number printed on. Put sticker on back of van.
Drive like a cunt."
* SEEING AS WE'VE GOT TO FILL UP THIS SECTION -
with a third useless idea we'll look around the
room and see what springs to mind. MICROPHONE
COCKS! Stick the muffler foam bit from a mic
onto your penis and get ladies to sing into it.
No? Ok. Fuck it, it'll do.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@greebowarrior, paul moyses, augsav, Shazzoir,
@SetecAstronomy, @danielbevis, HoratioFellatio,
Muler, @ElectricSpectre, @kittwalkerphoto,
boabmaster, lardpig, @Noit, @RareLtd and
@AndrewMcPlastic. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via ac123. A surprise back from
the dead hello to b4ta.
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When people ask me what I do, I tell them I
test rape alarms. It sounds better than saying
I'm a rapist.
http://www.sickiped
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