This Week:
* SONG - I Sucked Off a Bloke
* TATS - World's worst body art
* DOGS - Lilly Allen vs Littlest Hobo
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B3ta email 383 - 19 Jun 2009
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: SPONSORED LINK
MPs vs. Rotten Vegetables
MP's Expenses!! Those naughty boys & girls!
Splat a politician with a tomato! Fed up
hearing "I've not done anything wrong"
- claiming for a helipad to be built -
"Doesn't everybody have one!?" Plus WIN an
Ipod! Expenses paid of course! It's fun to be
part of PeoplesRevenge. Relieve your
frustration by lobbing a few virtual tomatoes!
http://www.peoplesr
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Blow-jobs, World-saving, Kids & Asking the Web
>> "I sucked off a bloke" <<
Kunt & the Gang revisit Kate Perry's
poptabulous hit of last year. Lots of sexy
builders. Kunt is a fucking star. He's also at
Edinburgh this year. "I'm trying to raise
awareness," he says, "Not in a cancer way."
http://www.youtube.
>> Rob saves the planet <<
"A charity asked me to make a video about green
issues," explains ginger fuhrer Rob. "Hope you
like it as I've made myself look like an utter
prick making it." It's not long in before the
blood and piss and anger start flying about.
http://www.b3ta.
>> The Bathroom song <<
The point isn't so much the song itself as the
second half of the vid, where Joel vividly
illustrates the pitfalls of employing children
as extras in your music videos.
http://rathergood.
>> What does the internet think? <<
c_kick has been wondering what the internet
likes. So he's made this frankengoogle creation
that queries three major search engines and
Twitter to make pretty graphs of love, hate and
indifference for whatever you type in.
http://www.whatdoes
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
That's me on TV!
Last week we wanted your TV appearances. We are
glad we asked as otherwise we we'd have missed
TheMagicDwarf'
Countdown. Go read it here.:
http://b3ta.
* MOTORBOATING FOR IRELAND - "After an Ireland
game, we'd won 2-0 and as we left I was accosted
by a woman in a extremely low-cut top with camera
man and microphone in tow who wanted my opinion
on the game. As she asked me my feelings on the
game I did that thing where you kind-of lean your
head down, only to realise I had a quite fantastic
view of a quite fantastic pair of tits. I then,
to my eternal shame/pride, took a deep breath,
looked down at her tits, then at the camera before
motorboating those big breasts for Ireland. I
was quickly shoved away by a furious camera-man
and some other guy who I hadn't noticed before.
Police took me to one side and it took all my wit
and drunken apologies for them not to arrest me.
Apologies to you, brunette with large boobies,
if you read this, but I regret nothing."
(Eoghan)
* PUSSYCATS - "I developed a revolutionary system
for the intensive indoor farming of Australian
crayfish. I shit you not. On the show Duncan
Bannatyne tried to argue that restaurants would
not buy live crayfish over frozen ones. He should
know, he quipped, as he owned a restaurant. So I
pointed out that his chef was one of my customers.
Deborah Meaden said she was out for ethical reasons
and accused me of being, "a bit of a wet fish", to
which I replied "No, I came here to see dragons
and only found pussycats." The foppish-haired
Australian one thought transport would be "an
issue" and didn't like me informing him that
the crayfish had been shipped from Brisbane a
week earlier courtesy of Singapore Airlines, been
down to Cornwall for a few days to recoup before
heading to London with me on a train and being
cooked by a Michelin-starred chef that morning
before heading to the studio in a taxi. Unsurprisingly
I was cut to about 15 seconds. They are all cunts."
(Mong The Merciless)
* POO ALWAYS WINS - "In 1990 I witnessed an air
crash (there's not much to do in the north of
Scotland). Local TV news cameras arrived the next
day and interview me: "It was very quick - there
was a big bang and a fireball," I say. They
interview my mum, "It was just like a sunset,"
she says, wistfully. They interview my dad, who,
at the time, was a fairly well-respected local
figure, "I didn't see it - I was in the toilet."
My dad got top billing when it aired - I was
last." (Mighty Nibus)
>> This Week's Question <<
Is your boss a cunt? Thought so. Tell us all
about it here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ugliest tattoos <<
Tattoos are hot this week, what with that Dutch
girl claiming that she'd fallen asleep and
hadn't really wanted a bukkake sputz of 56 inky
stars across her left cheek. Hence it's with
good timing we bring you another compendium of
crap tats. BTW: We just tried really hard to
think up a crap tattoo idea and the best we can
come up with is adding a Google-style radio
button to your nipple with the slogan, "I'm
feeling lucky".
http://ugliesttatto
>> Bands say the stupidest things <<
Blog dedicated to the most idiotic or
egotistical press releases and bios put out by
bands and their hapless managers. Our favourite
comment? "Thanks, I'll listen to it in my car
on the way home!" – Jonny Greenwood, Radiohead.
http:/www.shutupban
>> Sneaking round the neighbours' house <<
Alarming thread from internet dickwad who likes
to wander round his neighbours' house while
they're on holiday. With pictures, for your own
vicarious pleasure. Reminds us of Charlie
Manson sending out his family for "creepy
crawls".
http://snipurl.
>> The £10 breakfast <<
Greasy spoon offers a free breakfast for the
fat biffa who can entirely devour what's
essentially a whole fried pig wearing an egg
bikini. Otherwise, it's a tenner.
http://www.sharenat
>> Never touch your shitty arse again <<
Truly the end times are here, when people are
unable to cope with the fact that they do poos
out of their bottoms. Here's a mechanical arm
to hold the toilet paper while you do your
business. Not included - another mechanical arm
to clean the shite off this one.
http://www.comfortw
>> Radio Spiritworld <<
Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper are
probably best-known for the brilliant TV series
Look Around You, and lately we've been stalking
them both on twitter where we learnt about
their latest project - the first episode of a
podcast from beyond the grave. We advise
copying this to your iPod and going for a walk
in the local park - that's what we did.
Sniggering about ghosts whilst enjoying the
sunshine is a perfect way to spend 30 minutes.
http://rsw.cc/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Milk teeth adventure
Breaking our golden rule of only using this
section to linky to baby animals, here's a cute
little photo story about two milk teeth and
their adventure in the big, big world.
http://mymilktoof.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
A tiny little telly you can wank to at work
>> The Simpsons minus the Simpsons <<
The removing stuff meme continues - first there
was Garfield without Garfield's speech bubbles
- it made Garfield's owner Jon an utterly
mad, lonely figure talking to a dumb cat. Then
The Wonder Years with the narrative voiceovers
zilched - to suggest a world of uncomfortable
silences. And now? Some autistic genius has had
a go at the iconic intro from The Simpsons.
What next? Knight Rider's David Hasselhoff with
a Kitt that doesn't answer back?
http://snipurl.
[www_romancortes_
>> Lily Allen vs. The Littlest Hobo Theme <<
Despite even our mum claiming to be bored of
them, mash-ups haven't died, especially when
they're spliced together for humour rather than
who-really-gives-
loving the implication of this - that Lilly
Allen is stuck in an unsatisfactory romantic
entanglement with a dog.
http://snurl.
>> Dinosaurs saying "Hi" <<
Dubbing Jurassic Park dinosaurs with a goofy
"hi" instead of roaring has a touch of genius
to it.
http://www.youtube.
>> What is a browser? <<
Google are doing some lovely research at the
moment - this video helping remind web
developers that in the greater world nobody
really gives a stuff about exact terminology.
If you're developing online projects - this
might make you think a little.
http://snipurl.
>> The Book of Genesis revisited. <<
To critique Intelligent Design's absurd
marriage of science with religion, Michael
Shermer has penned the following revision of
the Genesis creation story. Ideal for sending
to your local vicar whilst you masturbate your
man cock by slapping it between the heavy pages
of The God Delusion. Oh sorry - just us then?
http://www.b3ta.
>> Play Helen off Keyboard Cat... <<
In 1982 Academy Award-winning actress Helen Hunt
starred in Desperate Lives as a young woman who
jumps out of a window after taking PCP. In 2009
she was played off by Keyboard Cat. Epic.
http://snipurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Nick Griffin Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop
Britain's foremost Nazi.
Your favourites included:
* GOMA - an unsettling return for the
nation's favourite case of mistaken
identity (cakeburglar)
http://www.b3ta.
* CHOCOLATE - Griffin's glass eye spoils
new version of Cadburys ad (drboon)
http://www.b3ta.
* OBAMA - Face-to-face with his political
nemesis, our racist hero crumbles (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: iPhone Apps <<
As Apple updates its iPhone software,
introducing revolutionary features like
'copy & paste' and 'picture messaging',
it's the perfect time to imagine the apps
that Apple won't approve, and to show how
they'd be used.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* REVIEWER'S REVENGE - Matt Boothman writes,
"In your last newsletter you featured a song by
The Glass Band, in which frontman Arran Glass
retaliated musically to a bad review. I'm the
c*nt that wrote the review and I've retaliated
in turn. Since you've linked your readers to
Mr Glass's song, maybe they'd like to hear the
next instalment of the Glass v. Boothman saga?"
http://snurl.
* B3TARD GETS BOOKED - Sam Fuller writes, "Long
time lurker Monsieur Le Pedant here. My missus
runs this voice over agency: www.rabbit.uk.
- they're great. On seeing Terry Mynott's
brilliant and haunting VO reel the other week
in the newsletter I forwarded it post haste to
her in charge. Happily they have just taken him
on."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Do Yo Knowz Yo Showz?
We've been working tirelessly behind the scenes
getting B3tans to make games for the E4 website
- the latest is David Homfray's unique take on
internet quizzes.
http://www.e4.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AUTO-SITCOM MUSIC - "I need an iPhone app
that gives me incidental movie/sit com music
to use in my daily life." (@balkanbeat)
* STALKING PEOPLE - "A version of Shazam in
which you can send a photo of someone's face
and it will search facebook for their name."
(@ricomonkeon)
* MP FUN - "Code that takes the blacked-out bit
on MP expense forms and replaces it with text
from porn sites." (@MontyPropps)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rev. Jesse,
@ohthedecadence, @MJHibbett, executiverocker,
@SuaveRepublique, mr.dogshit, rich annexia,
intesvensk, Monkey Tennis *naf. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via peebles.
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My sister talks about sex online with people
she doesn't know. She thinks ;)
http://www.sickiped
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