This Week:
* LOTTO - How much cash have you not won?
* SWEETS - mad Japanese candy
* CUTE - animals with casts
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're all precious
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B3ta email 382 - 12 Jun 2009
Read this issue in 2-D browservision:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
William Shatner's audiobook 'Up Til Now'
We used to think audiobooks sub-Catherine
Cookson tosh for people who can't read but
we've had a Shatner-inspired Road to Damascus
experience. Load up your iPod with a couple of
audiobooks and you can fill in all those odd
bits of useless time with stuff - like having
your own personal Shatner regaling you with
endless anecdotes about his rather busy life.
Admittedly it did mean we fell over on the
stairs and dropped a cup of tea - but that's
the price that's got to be paid - that and
about £10 for the CD.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
You can do so much with round-ended scissors
>> The Axe Trick <<
Wheatley and chum limber up for a shambolic
stage act involving a razor-sharp axe. It's not
a question of 'if' but simply 'when' and 'how
horrible'. BTW: This is a BBC link, meaning
it won't play outside the UK which is a
completely shit policy, licence fee or no
licence fee. Still, great Wheatley clip.
http://mrandmrswhea
>> The Lottery Frustrater <<
Look at what you could have won - "Put in your
lottery numbers, and get an estimated value for
what you'd have won if you'd been playing it
for the last fifteen years, along with the
dates you'd have won some money," explains
area. You're probably better off not having
played but you never know... Also kudos to
Ptortoise, who also built a lottery results
checker in response our newsletter request.
http://idefex.
>> Japanese DIY sweets <<
"You might like this," volunteers Kim, "because
it seems to be the kind of thing you might
like." In fact, we find this self-assembly
Asian confectionary repellant and somewhat
frightening - you must check it out!
http://olivepixel.
>> Fa la la la you're a cunt <<
Matt Boothman - this is what you get when you
mess with Oxford thespians. Prancing minstrel
Arran Glass jauntily sings out his rage at the
hapless local journo who gave him a bad review.
http://alittlepoiso
>> Why I wish Douglas Adams had stopped smoking <<
Give up smoking the Ginger Fuhrer way. A
thoughtful Rob explains why he packed in the
smokes back in the day - and why he wishes
Douglas Adams had done the same.
http://snurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Festivals
Last week we asked for your festival stories.
Click for mud, poo, wee, a putrid drumstick
injury and a lovely photo of Phill Jupitus
holding a stuffed bee:
http://b3ta.
* SCHPOONING - "Gotta love the Danes. Great
beer, good-looking people, and at Roskilde this
year, for a little extra, they'd give you a
tent already set up. In rows and rows of
identical black fuckers... I ended up coming
back on my own at about 3am. My mates had
either copped off, fallen asleep in a bush, or
staggered back to their own tents a little
earlier. After a fair bit of confusion I found
my tent, clambered inside and was asleep before
my head hit the pillow. As is the case at most
festivals, I was woken early the next morning
by some talentless cunt playing a guitar badly.
I opened my eyes and saw hair. Lots of hair.
Then I realised I had my arm clamped tightly
round something. I was spooning a stranger.
Long gorgeous blonde hair. A smell of coconut
shampoo. Fucking nice one. My hand stroked down
her body - I couldn't remember getting any the
night before, so I fancied a quick make-up shag
for breakfast. She had nice soft skin, a firm
tight torso. I breathed in the long locks and
moved my hips so my cock nestled nicely in her
arse crack. My sleep partner for the night
stirred but didn't wake; she turned over onto
her back. Now I could see her face. And she had
a very nice, very long, very dense, bushy
blonde beard. Fuck... Fuck? Shit, I hope not...
I saw the bloke I'd slept with later. Had a
chat with him - thankfully he was too pissed to
remember me, the fella that'd crawled into his
tent late at night and hugged him while he
slept. His name was Darren and he was from
Wolverhampton.
* A VERY ENGLISH RIOT - "I was at the Leeds
Fest riots in 2005. The Foo Fighters had just
headlined the main stage, and we were making our
way back to the campsite only to find downtown
Baghdad. There were huge fires all over the
place, with the sound of gas canisters blowing
up every few minutes. People were knocking down
telegraph poles and destroying tents. I seated
myself at the top of the hill looking down on
the most tribal primitive and yet awesome sight
I had ever seen. There in the clearing were
hundreds of people running and dancing around a
huge fire made of what was once the cider tent,
the Carling tent and a telegraph pole. One guy
was playing the drums using two tent poles and
the upturned kettle drum bins while everyone
danced around the fire with glow-sticks. There
were people juggling fire, practising poi, and
generally having a really good time. A Carling
truck that was nearby had been broken into and
was in the process of being relieved of all its
goods. It looked like the apocalypse had come.
And yet... there in the middle of all of this
chaos, we rioting Brits had formed an orderly
queue to pillage the Carling truck. Even in the
middle of a riot we were waiting patiently as
one guy grabbed 24 pack after 24 pack and
offloaded one by one them to the waiting 'soon
to be' drunks." (Furness)
* DESPERATE - "Bloodstock '08: this is where I
saw possibly the saddest thing I have ever
seen. A boy about 16, with soup in his hair and
holding a sign saying, and I quote, 'I will do
anything for beer! (Except male sexual
favours) And then, written below in slightly
shaky, smaller writing, 'Or getting kicked in
the nuts again.'" (Charlietron)
>> This Week's Question: B3tards on TV <<
It's been four years since we last asked your
appearances on TV and film. Since then we're
sure you've sabotaged more productions. Tell us
all about it here:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Three frames of a movie <<
This simple concept is hilarious. The site
makes three-frame animations of 80s movies.
Some hurt the eyes, others are just plain
silly. Mostly we just wanted to download some
films and join in. Then we got distracted by a
wasp and forgot.
http://threeframes.
>> Brian May's website site-map <<
The point of a diagram is to use visual aids to
help explain tricky concepts. But no, says
Queen's guitarist Brian May, who lives in
opposite land. The point is to take something
simple, say a website, then use lines and
squiggles to obfuscate and confuse. It's like
looking at a mind map of a schizophrenic.
http://www.brianmay
>> Megan Fox's odd thumbs <<
Nerds rejoice! You can now reject Megan Fox
before she rejects you (and she would reject
you, don't forget that.) And why? Because of
her ever-so-slightly odd thumb. BTW: Personally
we've gone off her a bit as she's starting to
look like Angelina Jolie, and not young hot
Angelina, but strained, thin, mad octomum
Angelina.
http://snipurl.
>> Homeless Sims <<
We've got other things to do than play Sims -
like actually having real friends and family
who constantly demand attention and even food
sometimes. However, we're briefly contemplating
a second look now that we learn you can torture
your characters by making them homeless and
miserable. Surprisingly moving, and as Matt
Round who sent it in says, "better than I
expected it to be."
http://aliceandkev.
>> Crap demos blog <<
Brilliant idea for a blog - laugh at all the
rubbish demos that get sent in to a record
company. We'd pay good money for Amnesty
International to do a similar one with protest
songs. Linky goes to a particularly
cringe-worthy track with a parent explaining to
a child that the noises he's hearing are mum
and dad making love and it's all natural and
lovely. Ewww.
http://bit.ly/
>> All-meat dress <<
Ladies! If you want Joel Veitch sniffing around
your groin then why not make clothing from
salami and bacon? BTW: Veitch can detect one
bacon molecule per million which means he can
seek meaty women within a radius up to to 100
miles.
http://tiny.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Animals With Casts. Fuck Yeah!
Because kittun's got a hurty paw paw. Awwwwww.
http://fuckyeahanim
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Last week's funny videos... today!
>> Hot Tetris orgy <<
Kicking ourselves for not making this gag -
we've always thought there was something sexy
about all those blocks slotting together.
http://bit.ly/
>> Post-it stop motion <<
You think it's going to be shit, but then you
get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex
with your own mum really.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Classic 80's Hits... Interpreted for Ragtime Piano <<
You think it's going to be shit, but then you
get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex
with your own mum really.
http://snurl.
>> Moscow Cat Theatre <<
You think it's going... sorry we're getting
repetitive but it's Friday morning and ok,
let's do this properly. Fraser Lewry sent this
in, and he's been banging on about the Moscow
Cat Theatre for oooh, 8 years now, and he's
finally found a clip. So we're sticking it in
to keep him happy.
http://snurl.
>> Toto's 'Africa' a cappella <<
Toto famously named their hit song Rosanna
after the writer David Paich's then-girlfriend
Rosanna Arquette. Similarly, the follow-up
single 'Africa' was named in reference to his
current partner, the African elephant. "These
guys were taking so many drugs, it's a miracle
they didn't start fucking ghosts," we
completely lie.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cigarette Trick <<
Our only regret in giving up smoking is that we
can't learn any fancy tricks like these that we
could use to entertain the kids at parties.
http://www.collegeh
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
You can't say puerile without saying poo
* GLASTOCOCK - From last year's festival, the
Green Fields logo gets distinctly aroused
around the f. "I reckon it was designed on
one of the smaller iMac screens and they never
bothered scrolling down," giggles spongemonkey.
http://www.stanleyu
* BROWN SMEARS - best political headline ever?
http://bit.ly/
* GLOBAL SLAG CRISIS - who knew things were
that bad?
http://bit.ly/
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: WORST PRODUCT IDEA EVER
The Cap Sac
"I am spreading the word about this product,"
writes Info, "My mom co-created it in the early
90's - but sat in her home for the decade. A
bum bag for your head!" Er... putting all your
money on your head is simply insane. You'd be
mugged - surely?
http://www.cap-
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Shatner Challenge
Last week we wanted SHATNER!
* CARROT - the Shat won't be getting any
pudding until he's finished his vegetables (WiL)
http://b3ta.
* JAWS - not-so-scary sequel in which our hero
fails to terrify the beaches of California (WiL)
http://b3ta.
* OOH - no idea what's going on here, but it's
mightily psychedelic (mutated monty)
http://b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.
>> New challenge: Nick Griffin <<
Show us the world through Nick Griffin's eye:
just what is the one-eyed nazi simpleton really
scared of? Challenge suggested by Griffy Savalas
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CAN THE INTERNET BUY A BOAT- Rob went along
to the 'With Sails & I' gig for more info on
John Hopkins & Richard Glover's unorthodox
marine master-plan.
http://snipurl.
* QUICK BEER CHILLERS - "Have been around for
quite a while," offers Grampa, in reply to our
request for a reverse microwave. "They had some
nice models in local alcohol stores about 15
years ago: basically open-top thermoses with
salt water whirling inside. The water was
chilled below the freezing point and you'd put
your beer can in it for a minute or so. It
worked like a charm." You can buy a pikey
version here for about 5 quid:
http://snurl.
* VERY FAST BEER FREEZING - 'Speedy beer
chilling' clearly hit a nerve in our readers.
"Put a beer in a freezer for about 3 hours and
take it out. Hit it on a surface and because
carbon dioxide is released when you do this, it
super cools the bottle," glees b3tard Dave!
http://www.youtube.
* LAUGHING LIKE A DRAIN -We asked where the
expression came from. Jajwhite explains, "Ever
stood by a gutter outlet when a lot of water
came out? It sort of breaks up into smaller
bits, like a fart in a bath, and the resulting
noise is sort of a "'Yuk Yuk Yuk', like
laughter." Like a fart in a bath??
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Herding kittens
E4 has asked your Ginger Fuhrer to round up a
few B3tards to make some games - first off we
have Matt Round who brings you the 'Rather
Difficult game' where you have to nail jelly to
a wall, herd kittens and get toothpaste back
into the tube.
http://www.e4.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COCKS ON THE UNDERGROUND - we've all seen
animals on the underground tube map, but what
about penises, tits and ladies' vaginas?
* POSTCODE RAPE LOTTERY - "I saw this headline
on Sky News, and I'd would like to see it
turned into a board game, sort of like Monopoly
but if you land on Mayfair you get raped or, if
feeling lucky, can pick a 'take a chance' card
and walk home down Old Kent Road."
(Mong The Merciless)
* OPPOSITES GAME - a web game where a word is
given, say, "elephant" and the player has to
type the opposite word, say, "mouse." We're then
shown a list of the most popular
responses, and if the player has picked a
common one then he gets a point. Another word,
another round.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by My Future Self,
trumpet, applehead, @mattround, @StoodUpTooFast
@weskrantz, Mick Stubbles, disconnected,
@codepo8 and @qwghlm. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Zak McFlimby.
Respect to Poons whom we'll be missing on QOTW
and /links.
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Tonight's forecast: Dark.
http://www.sickiped
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