This Week:
* FOOD - Scroll wheel cheese
* SONG - Jonti deconstructs celebrity
* OTHER STUFF - That's mostly quite good
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Introducing La-di-da
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | - pig fat for the posh"
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B3ta email 335 - 4 July 2008
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Celebrity, Scrollwheels, Space slugs and, uh, scissors
>> How to be a celebrity <<
If you were wondering how to make it big on the
showbiz circuit, the stellar Jonti Picking
sheds some light on what it takes. Paid work
for E4 too - the lucky shit.
http://www.e4.
>> Scroll wheel cheese <<
Take a closer look at that mouse you're using.
See the little bits of crap that have gathered
in the ridges of the scroll wheel? What is that
stuff? Well we don't know either, but in the
spirit of inquiry Rob scraped it all out for a
closer look. Revolting.
http://www.scrollwh
>> Slug space program <<
Short, Creature Comfort-inspired film from
the clearly very talented David Ellinor. His
other stuff's worth checking out too.
http://www.youtube.
>> Cut-out biplane <<
Stuck for something to do? Near a colour
printer? Like biplanes? Amoebaboy has a treat
in store for you - a lovely, lovely model
biplane that you can assemble yourself.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your Biggest Disappointments
Last week we wanted your greatest disappointments.
Please go and read Ragged's entry at least - the
man deserves a fricking medal for all he's gone
through:
http://b3ta.
Here's three shorties we liked:
* MY DAILY ROUTINE - "First things first:
-clench fist- Damn. No retractable claws.
Still not Wolverine then. -fling wrist forward-
Damn. No web. Still not spiderman then.
-Concentrate on dressing gown- Damn. Still
not a Jedi then. -sigh- Ah well. Maybe tomorrow."
(Devil_In_Tights)
* THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER - "The anthem of Tony
Blair and New Labour's election victory of 1997.
God, I can remember it now. Staying up, all night,
watching the results come in. It wasn't a victory,
it was a fucking massacre. After 18 years of Tory
misrule we finally had kicked the bastards out
of power and now it was *our* turn. We could
reverse the Tories' destruction of our education
system, we could reverse what they'd done to our
heavy industries, steel, ship-building, engineering
and mining. That night/morning- it was golden.
Then look what happened..." (legless)
* DOLPHINS - "Easter holidays, Anglesey. About 9
years old, sharing a room with my ten year-old
sister. About 5am, my Mum bursts into our room,
shouting "Get up! Get up! You have to get up now!"
We awaken, dazed, confused, totally unsure of
what's going on, but my Mum is still there and
insisting that we put on swimming costumes
IMMEDIATELY because, "there are dolphins near the
beach and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity
to see them in North Wales!" She goes on to explain
that she set her radio alarm wrongly, and woke up
at 5am to a local news report that said they were
there. Naturally, my sister and I are incredibly
excited by this: people at school have seen dolphins,
but we never have. We get changed and in less than
five minutes we're out of the house with my Mum,
running the half mile or so to the beach. When we
get there, we run into the freezing cold water,
looking for the dolphins. Strangely we can't find
anything. We return to my mum, confused... to find
her actually crying with laughter on the beach...
It was April Fools Day. The worst part is that she
still finds it hysterically funny, but it's been
over ten years now and my sister and I have never
quite recovered." (Completely Underwhelmed)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your tales of the supernatural and other
unexplained phenomena. Talk to us here (through a
medium if necessary):
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Meat water <<
We once day-dreamed of a product for tramps:
alco-soup, a nourishing liquid dinner with the
enlivening qualities of hard spirits. On a
similar combo-themed tip comes Meat Water,
ideal for busy people who want a roast lamb and
hydration in one handy combo. WARNING: Spoof
ahead.
http://dinnerinabot
>> Ancient rude Sega ads <<
Here's a history lesson for you, in the early
90s Virgin Mastertronic used to handle the
distribution for Sega and being a young UK
company, placed a series of mucky ads in Viz.
Wouldn't happen now.
http://snipurl.
>> Sushi Art <<
Your mum says don't play with your food, but
these crafty Japanese types have done exactly
that and proved her wrong with an avalanche of
cuteness. Not sure what it tastes like but it
looks wonderful. Much like a Russian prostitute.
http://www.toxel.
>> Solve your tax problems <<
The secret of being rich isn't anything to do
with earning money, but about paying as little
tax as possible. That's why the future belongs
to printing your own fake receipts. BTW: An
accountant recently told us about an author
client of theirs that bought a boat to do
"research into writing a book about boats",
whizzed about on it for a year then declared
the market too crowded for another boaty book.
All tax deductible - HA!
http://www.customre
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Lo-res lols for losers
>> Best porn intro ever <<
Beautiful young Hungarian lady comes to America
to learn English - but look out for snakes!
Hard to tell what's worse, the acting or the
script. Or maybe some sort of magical alchemy
of the two.
http://www.youtube.
>> The website is down <<
Day in the life of a hapless techie becomes
an escalating comedy of errors. Told through
the snappy dialogue and shots of the poor guy's
desktop.
http://www.thewebsi
>> Sesame Street censored <<
Unnecessary bleeps and blurring give a
disturbing slant to the kids' TV favourite.
Those puppets are really men's hands you know.
http://b3ta.
>> Aussie Milk Run <<
They drink a litre of milk, some food colouring
and a squirt of lemon juice. Then they run and
jump about until the stuff curdles and comes
back up, creating beautiful, pukey patterns.
Takes a while to get going - stick with it.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Boxing cat <<
Aww. This kitten thinks he's people. Or at
least he thinks he can beat up people. Would be
a cute TV ident for a sports channel.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Pedestrian crossing abuse <<
A crowd of arty types lies in wait for cars at
a zebra crossing - then parades across in an
almost unending stream of funny costumes and
wacky characters. The drivers seem to take it
in good spirits though - perhaps it's because
they're French.
http://snipurl.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
* SERBO-COCK - always good to see a land-mass
shaped like an engorged manhood complete with
spunky spitting islands.
http://en.wikipedia
* BOYOS FROM I.T - they may be good at rugby,
buggery and being short, but don't ask a leek
enthusiast to fix your PC.
http://www.welshit.
* BEST NAME EVER - Afish shares, "As a copy
editor of a large newspaper here, I see this
name in stories almost every day - and it still
makes me do a double take. Here's the link to
the school district's web site with his contact
information"
http://snipurl.
* CALLING ALL POO FANS - what will those dirty
hippies think of next?
http://www.solartoi
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Road Signs Challenge
Last week we wanted to see road signs that told
the literal truth.
Your favourites included:
* HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES - We love horsies, best
of all the animals (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.
* THE ITALIAN JOB - You're only supposed to
blow the bloody doors off (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.
* HIDDEN DIP - does literally what it says on
the jar (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: FAT BRITAIN <<
People of Britain! You're getting fat! Our
nation is in the grip of an obesity epidemic.
How will our celebrities adjust to their
growing girth? What will life be like when
we're all massively overweight? Paint with
porky pixels.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CORPORATE STATIONERY BRAGGING RIGHTS - a few
of you lovely people shared your booty, we now
have a Viagra pen, Rohypnol desk tidy and a
Pukka Pies biro. Well done team.
http://snipurl.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Doors
You play Jim Morrison, looking for lizards in
the desert. When you die, you get to play it
again as Val Kilmer - and then as Ian Astbury.
Sadly we're telling porkies, but still, this is
a good game.
http://www.kongrega
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PRANK YOKO ONO - Contact Yoko's people and
say that you're representing a just-add-water
curry product, find out what it costs to
licence Lennon's Instant Karma. Sing the
jingle down the phone, "Instant Korma's nearly
ready.." Do the same with Sinitta's So Macho for
turkey stuffing, "It's so Paxo!" All these
people will sell out for a price. It's a series
we tell you.
* PUT MAYONNAISE ON FREECYCLE - and film the
fatties who turn up to collect it. It's like
honey to the bees.
* THE BOOZE PLAN DIET - 2 small bottles of beer
for breakfast, vodka and tomato for lunch and a
magnum champagne for dinner. How much alcohol
should we drink to get our full 2200 calories
per day?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Alzo, phix65, Friz
4.1, ChaRleyTroniC, Cuthbert Annihilator,
beaverwastemanageme
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Leopards are not the only cat.
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TOP TIP:
It's Gay Pride this weekend so here's a tip
straight from the cottage scene - when banging
someone in a public loo put a carrier bag on
each shoe. That way when someone comes round to
check they'll look under the door and only see
two feet and two bags of shopping.
http://www.b3ta.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on
beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of
Wimbledon. I mean have you looked at Dementieva?
She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate
on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.
http://www.sickiped
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