This Week:
* COOKING - Curing meat in a CRT
* CHALLENGE - Make graphs tell YOUR truths
* VIDEO - Delia Smith cooks spam
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta: it's a
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | community of cunts
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B3ta email 319 - 14 Mar 2008
Working in the lol mine, getting lol dust on our
lungs, oops the lol canary has just karked it.
http://b3ta.
Easter eggs: b3ta-subscribe@
Dog eggs: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
The World Is My Canvas
Stavros likes being watched while he's doing
it, do you want to watch?
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Woo, yay and all that stuff
>> Safety campaigns <<
You know Cyriak for his mentalist animations.
We know him for posting on our board under the
name Mutated Monty and causing us random
complaints from people who doesn't realise they
are the same person, "There's a guy on b3ta
ripping off Cyriak's work" they say. Ho hum.
Anyway, here he is editing a couple of very
disturbing TV ads and making them even more
frightening. It's video psychosis and we're
genuinely glad not to live inside his head.
http://b3ta.
>> Curing meat in a CRT <<
"I made biltong," boasts Redbull_(UK) "that's
addictive, chewy, air-dried, South African
beef. And I made it in a 15" crt monitor."
Blimey, this caused great debate amongst the
newsletter team, "But biltong is disgusting,"
said newsletter Dave. "At least he's found an
actual use for a 15" CRT monitor," pointed
out your Ginger Fuhrer. And so it's in.
http://biltongbell.
>> Jonti poos himself <<
Picking has been amusing himself with the
quandary "do bears shit in the woods?" and to
potentially give away the punchline the answer
appears to be "Yes, they fucking shit
themselves stupid." Nice animation though.
http://www.weebls-
>> Indie schmindie Facebook song <<
Friz 3.0 has been on a song-writing mission
recently. There's a mean one where he moans
that the band Scouting For Girls use obvious
chords in their songs, but we will get linky
with this dissing of Facebook that many of our
readers should be able to recognise.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Arty farty video <<
C_kick, probably best-known for the headphone
cats, has been going mental with typography,
sequencing the lyrics of a Ben Folds song to a
fuckload of typey stuff. Quite a change of
direction, but enjoyable, if not kitteny.
http://snipurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Nerdery
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked just how nerdy are you? The
answer it seems is "nerdier than you, dumbass":
http://b3ta.
Whilst we liked door frames's story of buying
a Trek outfit in Ann Summers, there're no photos
to prove it and we always enjoy when people
put up pictures. Here's three who did prove
their nerdiness, posing for the camera:
* THE NERD WHO GOT MARRIED AS DARTH VADER
http://b3ta.
* THE NERD WHO GARDENS AS A STORM TROOPER
http://b3ta.
* THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION
http://b3ta.
>> This Week's Question <<
We've re-opened an old question this week. What
are your Guilty Pleasures? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> God moral maze <<
A "know yourself"-type quiz that attempts to
catch you out in your views of God. Made by
Christians, but fascinating nonetheless.
Actually started a long philosophical
discussion amongst the newsletter team with
Dave's view of God being an all-knowing, all
powerful being and Rob's strange refusal to
entertain the idea of a being more powerful
and intelligent than himself. Oh well,
beats jacking off to squid porn anyway.
http://www.philosop
>> Cool design site <<
Need to pick up a few tips on web design? Help
is at hand from Mark Chaffer, who's an expert
in DTP, video, animation, web pages and
photography. We particularly rate Mark's
animation skills, and hope to learn a few
tricks from the master.
http://www.chaffagr
>> Origami ceiling cat <<
Possibly the best B3ta accessory, the
cut-out-and-
B3ta ceiling now, well there would be if had a
ceiling. But we've chosen a hobo life, beneath
the stars.
http://snipurl.
>> Sperm for tickets <<
Simple idea right - young men want to go to
music gigs, and young men don't bother donating
sperms, so swap swimmers for tickets and Bob's
your uncle. Well exactly, and it's been so over
subscribed that they've had to close it down.
Surprising nobody.
http://www.spermfor
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Insert funny headline here please
>> Spam casserole <<
UK TV fans have been watching Delia Smith cook
for years, teaching us how to boil eggs, and
more recently how to prepared tinned mince.
We're loving this mocking clip from some BBC4
thingamabob. Dreadful food is always one of our
comedy triggers.
http://www.youtube.
>> Amy Shitehouse <<
Kids - stay off the crack pipe, it stunts your
growth - just look at Amy here.
http://www.youtube.
>> Walrus Jacko <<
"Amazing bit of walrus choreography; this
pinniped is nearly as slick as the paedophiliac
Gloved One himself," writes luvtub amongst
others, in the link we give the coveted title,
'link that more people emailed us than anything
else, other than the news that Sara Cox is
naming her son Isaac.'
http://www.todaysbi
>> Pot noodles / not poodles <<
It's a shame that Pot Noodles are shit and we
wouldn't feed them to a dog because often their
advertising is excellent. Why can't good stuff,
like bananas and apples have such clever
promotion?
http://b3ta.
>> World's worst advert ever? <<
You know when Steve Jobs does his expo thing
and releases a new version of iMovie and then
demonstrates how great it is with a touching
video of some family holiday? We're kind of
imagining this with Bill Gates demonstrating
Windows Movie Maker...
http://uk.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now incorporating 'rubbish logo weekly'
* WEIRD LOGO
We're guessing it represents a hose for
connecting your penis to a shower cap. "Look!
We don't wash our hair in piss!" FYI, the
company makes ticket machines.
http://www.incifra.
* MAX WANK
Oof, wank as a surname, been there, done
that, but he's a German politician and seeing
his grinning face over the name "Max Wank"
makes it look like an advert for lube.
http://www.toytowng
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: NEWS-STAND OF THE WEEK
10,000 Child porn images!
This local newspaper is seemingly including
unusual freebies to boost sales. Our source,
Alex reveals, "The same newspaper ran a cheesy
baby photo comp at the end of last year, with
promotional posters blaring 'Enter Baby Of The
Year Here'... I think they have issues!"
http://snipurl.
++ BONUS CLIPPING OF THE WEEK
http://www.b3ta.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Comics Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make newspaper
comics funny.
Your favourites included:
* SPY vs SPY - classic old-skool comic meets
international incident intrigue (HappyToast)
* GEORGE & LYNNE - previously unseen art
featuring the nation's favourite couple on a
rare Portuguese break (new_matt)
* PEANUTS - just like the rest of us, sometimes
Charles M. Shultz just got out of the wrong
side of bed (StickFigureNinja)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Graphs <<
We all know graphs can prove anything, so prove
YOUR truth.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JOEL'S NEW AD - the Veitchmaster has been
busy in the kitten gymnasium filming this
Crusha ad. "I really like it," he adds.
"Although I'm finding it a bit painful looking
at it in low-res, as I did the whole thing at
2k film spec (which is just slightly bigger
than 1080p HD) and then they dropped that
requirement for it to be that big. So, I'm used
to it looking really cool and sharp and
high-res, and of course it will never be seen
like that by anyone else."
http://www.b3ta.
* HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - We asked for it in a
newsletter of yore. Now it seems some German
army chappies have been tempted by the highly
delicious concept of black puddings made with
their own blood. But now face charges of
cannibalism.
http://snipurl.
* RAMPANT INFLATION - mrdirtylegs has responded
to our call for stuff being inflated. "I
consider myself something of an expert in the
field of inflation with water," he explains.
"Here is an aquaglove;"
http://uk.youtube.
* LEATHERGIRL - we thought girls should be able
to enjoy using utility knives too. Turns out
there already is one - the Miss Army Knife:
http://snipurl.
* MATAZONE - we were checking in on long-time
b3tard Matazone. What really boggled our minds
though was that he seems to have somehow
crossed that fine line that divides making
web-nerd animation and ladies' underwear. Check
it out!
http://corsets.
* RAMPANT INFLATION II - "Pumping up a bike
inner tube: Yes, you can burst it, especially
with a big free-standing pump from Halfords
that's probably actually a lot more powerful
than you really needed." informs Andrew
Stevens. "If you are going to try it, for fucks
sake wear ear defenders. I thought I'd burst an
ear drum when I blew up my girlfriends bike
tyre by accident."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* UNSINKABLE POO - Puromycin asks, "We've all
experienced floaters which pop back up after
flushing, so I'm asking B3tards to alter their
diet to work out what is the ideal foods to
consistently create buoyant stools."
* SUPERSIZE CONSUMER TEST - we were looking at
the sweet rack in Woolworths the other day and
briefly wondered about the value for money on
super-size Mars bars. Do you get more chocolate
for your money? What about those jumbo Kitkats?
C'mon fatties - do some science.
* TIP-EX VS MARKER PENS - how high can you get
using only the items found in your stationary
cupboard?
Send your linky missives via the internets.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: What's the difference between flowers and
AIDS? We didn't give your mum flowers, so if
you've sent something in that hasn't been
featured then don't be put off - we laugh at
everything you send us.
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Post-op: b3ta-subscribe@
Co-op: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collapsibletank,
chunderbunny, lesbilicious.
gary_robinson, and Fat Tony. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. I bet no one reads this
bit, but seeing as you've bothered, I'll tell
you a secret: I'm not a rapist, I'm just a
little deaf, you can't arrest me, that's
discrimination. Subjectlinelols from the
impossibly-named "Your watch is still saving
for 5K but".
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TOP TIP:
Dissatisfied with your job/partner/
used to it. It's like this until you get old.
Then it gets worse. (frankspencer)
http://www.b3ta.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I just lost at Hangman
Didn't know the place name.
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