This Week:
* ANIMATION - Tasty, tasty electricity
* SHATNER - 'shop trek for his birthday
* FAGS - lovely QOTW on smoking
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___/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Lady Madonna,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | children at
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B3ta email 320 - 20 Mar 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
Big Money Compo
Design the new Emporio Armani ad & win 10,000
euros. What, you were going to spend Easter in
church?
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stop motion bollocks and whale vote rigging
>> Electricitasty <<
Rob and newsletter Dave have extended their
stop-motion skills from cutting up bits of
paper ("like an old episode of Why Don't You",
according to one J Veitch) and discovered how
to bring inanimate objects to life using the
power of black magic and "er, a plug, pipe
cleaners, bits of wire, a torch, washers,
some old buttons, and a few bits of card and
printouts when we didn't have the right props."
It's a safety information film. Sort of.
http://www.comedybo
>> Sorry son, you're booked <<
New member Matt42 (so new he's still got his L
plates) has also been exploring the dark arts
of stop motion. "I hand-drew each frame", he
boasts, "There's just over 1000 drawings, Then
with spray mount stuck each page in the book,
photographed it peeled it out and repeated.
Photographing it took around 12 hours. Drawing
over 20 hours." Blimey, well it's a great style
and amusing pay off.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Mr Splashy Pants confession <<
A few months back Greenpeace created a big stir
by holding a poll to name a whale and the
internet choosing Mr Splashy Pants. Everyone
and their dog has claimed credit, including
this b3ta member. The plot thickens, thins, or
something like that. Enjoyed the blog anyway.
http://snipurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Guilty Pleasures - part 2
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we re-opened the fantastic Guilty
Pleasures question. Go read a whole new collection
of the embarrassing things people like to do:
http://b3ta.
* CEREBRAL CROSSWIRING - "I'm a synaesthetic,
which means the sensory receptors in my brain
are cross-wired so that I feel sounds, smell
tastes and hear sensations etc. Many people
experience this to some minor degree (you feel
that Wednesdays are purple, for example) but
I'm a medically-certified sufferer. It was most
extreme when I was a kid, and it allowed me
more than a few secret pleasures. Listening to
ABC's "The Look of Love" generated a powerful
sensation of chocolate in my mouth, while
eating actual chocolate altered my vision in
much the same way as LSD. If I ran my hand over
the cat, I'd hear birdsong. It was fun
experimenting. The best experience of those
times was my brief relationship with Deborah de
Angelo. The phonetics of her name brought
whisky to my tongue; her blonde hair made me
hear cellos; her green cardigan caused a raging
boner, and the sensation of her busy mouth upon
my swollen helmet made me taste a full English
breakfast. Those days are over. With
medication, my only pleasure these days is
retiring to bed with a cowbell, mint humbugs
and Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" - all of
which in combination, conspire to bring about
the sensation of a hamster up my anus."
(frankspencer)
* SUPERMARKET TROLLEY GLIDING - "Everyone does
this. But earlier today doing the big shop for
the week, I launched into a trolley glide just
as someone else who, like me, is old enough to
know better, launched into a trolley glide
coming towards me. We didn't say anything, just
nodded in mutual recognition as we glided past
each other. Brilliant." (gordonjcp)
* HOT SEAT - "What do I do for fun? I turn on
the heated passenger seat in the car and slowly
up the control as the wife gets more and more
uncomfortable. Keeps me happy for hours - she
still hasn't sussed it. I don't know why she is
still married to me to be honest." (conanow)
>> This Week's Question <<
Can you remember your first cigarette? Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Science tattoos <<
Tattoos are a bit so what, but these
idiosyncratic examples might give you a few
ideas. Personally we've got Sir Clive Sinclairs
inked on our cocks. Not impressed? He's
fucking life-sized.
http://carlzimmer.
>> Cunt tree kitchenware <<
Iridium witters, "I was looking at your Amazon
link to the biro, and one of the 'Things Other
Customers Bought' thumbnails caught my eye.
Is it me or does this look sort of, erm,
wrong?" We don't know, Iridium. Do you think
the sweet, pure love between a man and a tree
is wrong too?
http://www.amazon.
>> Men's health forum hissing <<
Meet Clive, a rather queer cove, who's obsessed
with his own and other men's muscles. His hissy
fit about the state of Daniel Craig's bulges
beggars belief. From the look of the floral
wallpaper in the piccy, we think Clive lives at
home with his mummy.
http://www.mensheal
>> Who lives in a house like this? <<
A. Andrew Lloyd Webber
B. Elton John
C. Sting
http://snipurl.
>> I want to live like comic people <<
Some people say the mark of a great song is
whether it still works when played with just a
voice and a guitar, we say pah! The true test
of genius is when you can put the words in
1950s archive comic strip and they still work a
treat, Props to black-toothed Jarvis for a
true classic.
http://www.the-
>> Return of Reflectoporn <<
Horrid, horrid, horrid, but we still managed to
crank one out.
http://snipurl.
>> Crap art <<
"In response to your link to Mark Chaffer's
brilliant web design last week", blurts
rocket.potato, "I give you this. Big Craigie's
Digitart. I especially like the picture of his
dog in the Personal category and the picture of
him with Louise Redknapp in the Fantasy
category." ZOMG, bad arts r0x0rs.
http://www.digitart
>> Wax your beard <<
There's nothing like a bit of hot wax to remove
the pant moustache, but a man-beard is made a
sterner stuff. The things people do in the name
of web-lols, ouchy, ouchy ouch ouch.
http://widelec.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Daily Coyote
"This is pretty fucking cute," cusses The
Spelling Police, "and I think you should put it
in your newsletter." WIKIFACT: The E in Wile E
Coyote was ret-conned in a 1975 comic to
Ethelbert. The after-the-event shoe-horning
twats! They ruined the lore!
http://dailycoyote.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Fodder for the next C4 internet lols show
>> Muppets on meth <<
Enjoying this guide to metal from a load of
fluffy fucktards, and buried underneath all the
swearing is a nice little joke: all metal
sounds the bloody same. Looks like a clip for a
new TV show.
http://snipurl.
>> Wicker man Bungle <<
Caught this extract from the untransmitted 1972
pilot for kids' TV favourite, Rainbow. Bungle
looks terrifying, like an extra from the Wicker
man, the music is a progtastic madrigal and
zippy has a harelip. Do not watch this under
the influence of drugs. BTW: Look Around You
fans might notice the singer's uncanny
resemblance to that show's Robert Popper.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Hacking, 1980s style <<
Before goatseing became a national sport,
micro-pranksters got their kicks from winding
up spoddish TV presenters on on the BBC. Big
prizes to anyone who can Rickroll Terry Wogan
on the next Children in Need.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Wind powered cardboard Rhino <<
Theo Jansen makes kinetic sculptures out of
common everyday things. All his works can be
powered by wind, here's a video of one of his
neatest works called Animaris Rhinoceros. And
to the webtards asking for Star Wars Imperial
Walker we say FUCK YEAH.
http://www.youtube.
>> Minesweeper the Movie trailer <<
"Surely a winner for the newsletter?"
Count Mrakula, "It's genius!" Yep, it's not
bad, and we also look forward to Tetris the
opera.
http://www.youtube.
>> His master's robot arm <<
There's something slightly depressing about
this clip. Yes, the dog is cute and the
contraption is clever. But where's the owner?
Has he died? Will Mr Woofy be playing fetch
until he too shuffles off this mortal coil?
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still incorporating shit logo weekly
BEST LAWYER NAME EVAH!!!111 - we're planning to
hire Sue Yoo at B3ta towers to deal with all
our haters. *waves at Prince*
http://snipurl.
MORE RUBBISH LOGOS - God_of_the_mind prattles,
"Whilst perusing over your latest edition of
your fine newsletter, your rubbish logo section
reminded me to send you something I saw on the
side of a bus whilst strolling through Rome.
Tempting you on board with the promise of bum
sex. Needless to say, I saw this and thought of
you." We're not quite sure how to take that...
http://www.b3tards.
BONUS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK - "Woman Goes for
Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead" - it
doesn't get better than this.
http://www.foxnews.
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: NEWSLETTER EXTRA
There's a hole in my cock that lets the tears out
Your newsletter team's loving tribute to William
Shatner AND wanking was meant to be bigged-up
last week, but we had upload issues. But PLEASE
CLICK IT, it took us fucking ages and we did it
without Photoshop, only using inky print-outs.
Anyway, it's a lovely, lovely song about how
men deal with the loss of someone they care about.
http://www.comedybo
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Graphs Challenge
Last week we wanted you to tell us a truth
using the magic of graphs.
Your favourites included:
* EQUALISER - the lights fantastic (biovalve)
http://www.b3ta.
* G'RAFF - literally quite good (Sir Sand
Goblin)
http://www.b3ta.
* ANIMALS - be sure to clicky for biggy
(Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Star Trek <<
It's big Bill Shatner's birthday - he'll be 77
on 22 March - and, despite a brilliant career as
actor and singer, he's never topped the series
that made his name: Star Trek. So 'shop the
Trek. For William.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* UNSINKABLE POO - Our inbox is thoroughly
backed-up with suggestions on how to create a
perpetually-
"It may not make your wee fizzy, but drinking
about 2 litres of carbonated water a day
definitely makes your poo float. Try it!" urges
Krang.
However, the massed b3ta hordes believe that
fat and cholesterol are the magic ingredients
for floaty bobbins. However, "floating stools
are also what we call 'offensive smelling' in
the profession. Steatorrhoea is the technical
term," informs witty_ditty. "You won't just be
saying 'you'd better give it 10 minutes',
you'll be leaving it for at least an hour..."
"Now the clever bit," continues Jason, in much
the same vein. "Enough cholesterol, you get
gallstones, which can block your bile duct and
prevent the bile salts getting into your bowel.
Bile salts help you digest fat, so without it
getting into your bowel, the fat stays in the
stool, increasing its buoyancy hugely. Seems
like a long way to go to get in the newsletter,
but there's probably someone out there."
"As a child I used to eat polystyrene,
confesses a forlorn RoarBerries "That did the
trick, annoyed my mum something awful."
* MORE HUMAN BLACK PUDDINGS - "Black pudding
with your own blood?" sneers Typescape Tony.
"These guys did it years ago. They got kicked
out of New York's MOMA for frying it live,
too..." http://www.beaglesr
* ORIGAMI CAT NOT ORIGAMI - A shocking error in
last week's newsletter led to us labelling the
DIY ceiling cat as origami. "If it involves
cutting it's kirigami," snips randall bart.
Never fear, the b3ta fact checker has been
soundly whipped. Such errors will not be
tolerated.
* VAGINA SCULPTURE - A few months ago we
featured a plaster cast of b3tard Emily
Dubberley's lady minge. "Here's the follow-up,"
she gleefully crows. Blimey. For this one she
got the help of her boyfriend - a man who must
have quite remarkable powers of concentration
to stay like that while being slathered in
layers of plaster. Hmm. Mind you, put like
that, perhaps not.
http://www.facebook
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pattern matching
"Here's a painfully addictive game for you to
subject your readers to," informs heilbush,
"It's another Tetris clone, with a few
interesting concepts thrown in." The Official
B3ta Wife approves of this game and it sent her
into an OCD spin of muttering numbers under her
breath. It was like watching Rainman with
tits.
http://www.chainfac
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHAT-TEAM-SHOULD-
all about football, and occasionally it would
be handy to be able to type in a postcode and
find out what team it would be appropriate to
pledge some bullshit allegiance to. (A more
jokey version would spit out Arsenal for London
postcodes and Man U for everywhere else.)
* SMALL CUTE MUSLIM PIG CALLED MU'HAM'ED -
err, maybe not.
* MADNESS VIDEO - we've just googled the B3ta
HQ postcode to find a map, and found the great,
great Madness have written a song based upon
our postcode: NW5. Sadly it isn't filmed in the
local area, and we really wish we had the time
to make a suitably loving tribute to the
streets of Kentish. Please can you help out?
http://www.youtube.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by wimbledonwomble811,
Zoe Bond, thiswasmyclone, Denny, iowaseven,
smirt362, j@griffiths, Bearded Whumpus
and Purple Martin. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjectline and mastheadlols from
MakingLoveFace and dbroon.
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TOP TIP:
Going through a speed trap too fast? If
possible, climb out through the sunroof and
clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof. This
tricks the camera into thinking you're riding a
horse, so you should get away without being
flashed. (FizzyLogic)
http://www.b3ta.
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SICKIPEDIA:
The Welsh mining industry looks set for a
come-back... Apparently they've found some
copper in Snowdonia.
http://www.sickiped
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