This Week:
* VIDEO - Celine Dion FTW, an unlikely B3ta hero
* GRAFFITI - Ads get stumped
* QUESTION - Shoplifters of the world confess
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B3ta email 310 - 11 Jan 2008
Email has hurty finger? Mummy suggests Webolene
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Weebl & Bob's Sticky Ending
Jonti's at it again with 3 specially
commissioned weebl and bobs spoofing your
favourite films. First up, Pulp Fiction. Check
out Jules's spangly afro! Also, see if you can
spot the special goo-ey guest?
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN "MAKING" THIS WEEK
Cybersquatting, Dancey, 'Kidnapping' and Tony Hart
>> Cybersquat scuffle <<
"A bunch of evil mongers from
claimthisdomain.
version of my website (calloftheday.
snarls Dacovale. "They wanted me to fork out
$257 for it. Instead, I snaffled
claimthisdomain.
noise on digg and beta. The result? They
backed down - so thanks!"
http://calloftheday
>> Dancey dancey university tutor <<
"I made an animation about a man named Gher
who goes to Croatia," booms Aap. "This makes
him and me very happy." Arguably the most
joyful animation based on a teaching transfer
from Illinois to Zagreb that you will have
seen this year. His look of slightly gormless
delight is a picture.
http://www.plasprod
>> Hot 'kidnap victim' was wrestler <<
Crusader for truth Philip Knight brings up
what he calls "a disturbing piece of
journalistic inaccuracy." Basically, a couple
of years ago the Associated Press ran a story
about kidnappings in Mexico, accompanied with
a picture of a bound woman being rescued from
a car boot. Turns out the woman was actually
wrestler Joy Giovanni doing a stunt. Philip is
demanding the mistake be addressed, largely,
we feel, because he spent so long feeling
guilty for fancying a kidnap victim. Details
here:
http://mgfgtg.
>> Give Tony Hart an honour <<
"The lovely Tony Hart would appear to have
missed out on a gong this time," moans god
save the queen. "I don't know how these things
work but I'm hoping if enough signatures get
added to this petition, he'll get put forward
for the next great gong give-away." Normally
we don't hold with online petitions but the
subject of this one is close to our hearts.
Also, he at least gave us an interview a while
back - not like that Mr. Splashypants whale...
http://petitions.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cheap Tat
All the crap you've bought because it was
cheap. There's even lots of lovely photos to
look at if you don't like words:
http://b3ta.
* JAMES BOND WATCH - "I bought a watch in
Bangkok that was also a lighter. You pressed
the bezel and a flame came out of the top of
the dial. I was pretty smug until a girl came
over and asked me for a light. I managed to
give myself an almighty electric shock and
burn her fringe with a giant flame at the same
time." (browser)
* SHOCKERS - "Working on a big outdoor arts
event in Birmingham, about 15 years ago, I set
out to find some lunch for my crew. It was
Sunday and everywhere around the site was
shut. Kept looking and finally found a little
corner shop open. All I could get my hands on
was a sorry assortment of biscuits, sweets and
crisps. All were mysterious crap brands. One
thing that caught my eye was packets of
'Shockers': "Four liquorice flavour gum-balls,
which one's the shocker?" Bought a packet each
for dessert. Back at base, after our hearty
meal, the game of Gum-ball Russian Roulette
begins... Taking it in turns to chomp on the
gum-balls, we speculate on what the shock
might be? Could it maybe be really hot? Or
really sour? Oh hang on, has it made my tongue
blue? Three gum-balls gone, one left in the
packet and so far no shocks. I bite into it
and immediately start to retch uncontrollably.
Squinting at the packet I discover that the
mystery ingredient is... Ammonia. Like biting
into one of the bleach blocks you get in
urinals. Well I have to confess I didn't see
that coming, that was indeed quite a shock.
Never saw them on the shelves again either."
(lankygingerfool)
* CAN OPENER: "At the beginning of my first
year of Uni, I thought to myself (wisely), "I
should buy a can opener." Off I went to the
nearby Tesco, and spotted a fairly
functional-looking one, all metal, probably
sturdy, only a 'Tesco Value' item because it
was so no-frills and had such uncomfortable
handles. I got it home and couldn't for the
life of me open a can with it. I tried it
every way up and every way round, but neither
I nor anybody else could get it to work as its
business end had been made the wrong shape to
grip a can. It was a can't opener." (Slurpy
The Frog)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your confessions of shoplifting.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Microsoft for kids <<
Gates groupies will remember Microsoft Bob,
the Windows operating system that was voted
the worst product of the decade by CNET.com.
Presumably from a similar initiative to 'speak
to kids' comes this book explaining home
servers to children. We can only conclude that
Microsoft has a department staffed by the
incurably twee.
http://gizmodo.
>> Face-swap application <<
Lovers of photoshop challenges held by our
down-market competitors will be familiar with
the head-swap - i.e. take a photo of Jordan
and Peter Andre and swap their faces. Now,
thanks to patented internet magic, you too can
produce such heady visual extravaganza without
any basic photoshop skills. What next? A web
app to add purple cocks and fluffy kittens?
http://www.hairmixe
>> Over-enthusiastic toasting <<
In what 'Pub Monthly' is calling "action shot
of the year", comes this fortuitously-
snap of a beer glass smashing into pieces as a
result of drunken exuberance.
http://www.flickr.
>> Headless graffiti <<
Renegade artist The Decapitator removes the
heads from models used in advertising posters,
replacing them with ghastly, gory stumps. This
pisses on Banksy. We say give the man a Turner
Prize. Or a lollipop.
http://www.flickr.
>> Wheelchair with tank tracks <<
Stephen Hawking! Worried you go off-road
without your wheelchair getting bogged down in
muck? Help is at hand with the tank chair. No
reasons for scrounging cripples not to do
their best for Queen and Country now.
http://www.tankchai
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitten attacks camera
One of the many endearing things about kittens
is the immense differential between their
ambitions and their actual ability to hurt
things. This poor little mite probably wound
up with a bruised nose, but it does look
spectacular on a bigger screen.
http://www.b3ta.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> We *heart* Celine Dion <<
Who knew that cheesy torch-song merchant
Celine was so mental - and so amusing. Not
sure whether we're laughing with her or at
her, but you can't help but smile at this
collection of her finest moments. And like
Tesla, she also conducts lightning.
http://uk.youtube.
>> Props to David Lynch <<
There's no doubt the iPhone is this year's
techie status symbol - but respect to the
director of such cinematic classics as
Mulholland Drive for daring to remove the
Emperor's new clothes and asking why anyone in
their right mind would want to watch a
two-hour movie on a screen the size of a tin
of pilchards.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Technical tricks behind the vids <<
One of the joys of watching web virals is,
once you've established they are fake, trying
to work out how the trickery was done. Nice
overview on some of the dark arts here.
http://www.youtube.
>> Paper plane longest flight <<
Once we dropped a paper plane from a ski-lift
in Bulgaria, 100s of feet in the air and we
watched it spiral downwards for a good 5
minutes, transfixed in a small gay moment of
wonder, like the plastic bag scene in American
Beauty. Nice to see something similar captured
here.
http://www.todaysbi
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Movie Letter Switch
Last week we challenged you to switch a letter
from a movie title and show us the poster.
Your favourites included:
* LOLTERGEIST - internet meme clashes with
classic horror to devastating effect
(pineapplecharm)
http://www.b3ta.
* RAVING PRIVATE RYAN - get your glo-sticks
out, we've some bangin' anthems from the
Normandy Massive (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
* GOOD MOANING VIETNAM - the sequel to Robin
Williams' 'Nam classic wasn't quite as
well-received in America (The amazing monkey
boy)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Crabs! <<
It's another of b3ta's occasional one-word
challenges: feel free to do whatever the hell
you like, as long as it's tied together by our
chosen theme - CRABS! (challenge suggested by
McBadger)
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TEASING THE CAT WITH A HELICOPTER "may sound
like fun," warns James Mac. "But I pestered
the dog with a remote-control plane, flying it
over her head and thinking I was really
clever. Until she jumped up, grabbed it and
shook it in her mouth to 'kill' it. It did not
survive."
* THE RUSSIAN NON-PHOTOSHOP SITE that we
featured a wee while back is called
pizdaus.com. B3tard Feanor writes to tell us
that, according to no less an authority than
his new room-mate, the word 'pizdaus' is
actually Russian for 'cunt'. Charming!
* EARLY 90s SPAM - Thanks to the ever-fragrant
chthonic for this lovely picture of some early
90s spam. It was a more innocent time, wasn't
it?
http://www.flickr.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOME SURVIVALIST - stop leaving the house,
we mean NOW, right this instant, how long
could you survive using only the items in your
home. And no cheating and phoning Tesco for
some pies.
* HOW TO PLAN A MASS MURDER WITHOUT GUNS -
after reading 'We Need To Talk About Kevin'
we've recently been considering mass murder,
but are a bit constrained by the
unavailability of guns in the UK. Don't email
in unless you've got a fool-proof plan -
"drive a bus into a crowd" or "blow up a gas
main" isn't really what we're after.
* BICYCLE BELL ORCHESTRA - recently in a bike
shop we noticed the bells were tuned to
different notes. We briefly imagined a whole
bike team playing say Queens I Want To Ride My
Bicycle, preferably by naked ladies.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
John_Anon_Prince, Spunky 'Spinky Bickpick'
Backpack, MrGomez, Gratch, SleeplessAndy.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subject-line via The Great Architect. Yays to
b4ta.
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TOP TIP:
Poaching eggs - since writing our "how to
poach an egg" feature over two years ago,
we've received emails on the subject literally
on a daily basis. Here's the first one that is
actually worth sharing with you lot.
ChowhoundTV writes, "Spray a small custard cup
with olive oil, crack the egg into it,
microwave on high for 45 seconds, slide the
cooked egg out onto a crunchy piece of toast
or English muffin."
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SICKIPEDIA:
What does a ginger miss most about parties?
The invitation. (And the sadness it brings
your fearless red-haired leader, to reprint
this joke.)
http://www.sickiped
Earn your degree in as few as 2 years - Advance your career with an AS, BS, MS degree - College-Finder.net.
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