Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Samstag, 12. April 2008

Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt


Music Genre:	80s German Humour

Record Label:	SPR 0109
Record Format	12" Vinyl Stereo Full-Length Long-Play Gramophone Record Album weight: 230 gram
Year & Country	1983 Made in Germany

Album cover photos of : Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt

Photo of "Hilfe Otto Kommt" Album's Front Cover

Front cover Photo of Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt http://www.vinylrecords.ch

Photo of "Hilfe Otto Kommt" Album's Back Cover

Back Cover Photo Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt Vinyl Record Store http://www.vinylrecords.ch/

Close-up Photo of "Hilfe Otto Kommt" Record Label

Close-up of Record Label Photo Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt Vinyl Record Store http://www.vinylrecords.ch/

Otto Waalkes Das Vierte Programm

Thumbnail Photo Of Otto Das Vierte Programm http://www.vinylrecords.ch/


Music Genre:	German Humor

Record Label:	SPR 0103
Record Format	12" Vinyl Stereo Full-Length Long-Play Gramophone Record Album weight: 230 gram
Year & Country	1976 Made in Germany

Album cover photos of : Otto Das Vierte Programm

Photo of "Das Vierte Programm" Album's Front Cover

Front cover Photo of Otto Das Vierte Programm http://www.vinylrecords.ch

Photo of "Das Vierte Programm" Album's Back Cover

Back Cover Photo Otto Das Vierte Programm Vinyl Record Store http://www.vinylrecords.ch/

Close-up Photo of "Das Vierte Programm" Record Label

Close-up of Record Label Photo Otto Das Vierte Programm Vinyl Record Store http://www.vinylrecords.ch/

Freitag, 11. April 2008

[b3ta] "How to make money from Child Abduction. Your step by step guide"

This Week:
* VIDEO - I think I fancy Boris
* QUIZ - Youtube's shitty comments
* QUESTION - Share your phobias

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "But we did come when
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | you were crying
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| last night..."

B3ta email 323 - 11 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue323/

Karen Matthews: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Kate McCann: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Guitar Hero video compo - last chance

We already pimped this compo a couple of weeks
ago, but today is closing day for the first
round where the prize is you get flown out to
Los Angeles, and a digitised likeness of you
gets put into the next Guitar Hero release.
So get something in quick for everlasting fame
and possibly fortune.
http://www.releaseyourrockstar.com/

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than pick fluff from their bellybuttons

>> YouTube troll quiz <<
Great to see Monkeon busting out his
quiz-making mojo with this peculiar game. Can
you identify famous video clips solely from
comments left by YouTube troglodytes?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/youwhat/

>> Lost title music <<
"Lost needs a theme tune," booms Jonti Picking.
"So we've made one." It's great, Jonti - now do
one for The News At Ten.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Lost+Titles/

>> "I Think I Fancy Boris" <<
"Mayoral elections are coming up in London,"
reminds ryandeean. "We all know they are a
bit of a farce. This is a video I made for
Boris called: 'I think I fancy Boris'" We were
initially suspicious this was some sort of
political PR stunt but, if so, it's the kind we
could happily live with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJJM2_Z7uss

>> Do the indie kid <<
MJ Hibbett and friends sing the praises of the
trendy dance of their misspent youth. Catchy
stuff, endearingly home-made video. "We're
really chuffed with it!" he justifiably beams.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_The_Indie_Kid

>> Bewildering teddy bear vid <<
"I sent a teddy bear hitch-hiking for charity
around some of the more troubled areas of the
world," claims VicJameson, rather
unconvincingly. "This film has recently been
emailed to me anonymously." The ending is wrong
on any number of levels but, frankly, we're too
scared not to include it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BInorf2nZU

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
DIY Disasters

Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

Last week we asked about your DIY disasters:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/

* CHANDELIER - "We'd moved into our first flat
together and done what all sickly, loved-up
first flat couples do - decided to 'make it our
own.' This involves painting the 'Apple White'
to 'Apricot White' and going to Ikea. In the
lighting section my girlfriend stopped dead in
the aisle making a strange cooing sound, 'It's
soooo pretty.' It was a mock bronze chandelier.
It was a pig ugly piece of junk. 'It looks like
something Del Boy would try and flog for a
fiver, anyway I know how to put it up and you
don't.' 'Yes I do.' 'What? Okay, you can buy it
if you put it up.' To my complete shock Mrs
KMWIP managed to put the chandelier up. To my
greater shock, up it stayed. That night, after
sharing a warm bath, we walked into the front
room to try our new sofas. A bottle of
champagne was opened and we kissed in that
sickly, doughy way that you do when you first
live together. Within a few minutes I was
removing her dressing gown and caressing her
body. After at least an hour of award-winning
foreplay (what? it's my story) we were gently
making love on the sofa. I remember looking
deeply in her eyes and thinking how lucky I am.
I required 5 stitches when the chandelier fell
on my back. My spine was so bruised that I was
unable to walk for a week. She'd thought that
the Rawl plugs were little plastic sleeping
bags for the screws so they wouldn't bang about
in the bag. She had carefully removed each one
before screwing the screws into the half inch
plaster ceiling." (kiss.me.where.i.poo)

* PAINT - "You know that old story where some
dickhead starts paint a floor and ends up in
the far corner of the room with the whole floor
painted and he's unable to get out? I was that
dickhead. But, being me, I had to make it
worse. So I took my shoes and socks off and
made a dash for the door reasoning that I could
paint over my foot marks when the floor had
dried. I also decided to run on the tips of my
toes and use big strides to minimise the
damage. First stride lands OK, but the momentum
swung me into my second stride which touched
the floor and went into an immediate skid
ending up with me crashing into a wall,
bouncing off, and rolling all over my freshly
painted floor. I'm a great ideas man but my
implementation lets me down." (Legless)

* BEER+SHED = PISSED SHED - "In my defence, I
was very drunk and it was raining. Work was
generally interrupted by sniggering about the
word 'erections'. When all is said and done
though, if it's raining, it's too wet to fix
and when it's dry, it's as good as anyone
else's shed..." (Linbox)
http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/pissed_shed.jpg

>> This Week's Question <<
What gives you the heebie-jeebies? Tell us of
your phobias here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Emails from mum <<
This site has rather brilliantly hit on the
slightly odd way in which mums communicate with
their offspring via the internet. It's an
interesting collection of messages with a high
proportion of "why don't you call more often?"
Guilt.
http://postcardsfromyomomma.com/

>> Over-priced TV comments <<
B3tard Thundercat informs us that he and
various internet randoms have been amusing
themselves with reviewing this £21,000
television set. We particularly liked the guy
who was disappointed that 'the 70" size
referred to is the screen size not thickness
(which is only a puny 3-4").'
http://www.ebuyer.com/product/134563/show_product_reviews

>> "My sister is a porn star" <<
First-hand account of a bloke who bought a porn
magazine, only to find his estranged sister
pictured inside. Thought-provoking stuff, as he
recounts the family history that led her down
the path of porno.
http://snipurl.com/sisterfister

>> My Nazi dolls <<
In what may be the best personal ad ever, this
collector explains his unfortunate predicament.
The 'action figure community' are mean to him
because he is gay; other gay men are appalled
by his extensive collection of nattily-dressed
nazi action men. Still, at least he has his
little guys. "I like to keep them looking
fancy," he explains.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/51526837.html

>> Hidden images in audio tracks <<
It's reasonably well-known that Aphex Twin
concealed images in his music, viewable with a
spectrograph. Inspired, this bloke grabs his
spectrograph and investigates, uncovering some
more hidden pictures, including an endearing
cat.
http://www.bastwood.com/aphex.php

>> Better coin designs <<
Amusing commentary on the Royal Mint's recent
call for ideas from the public for new UK
coinage. We particularly liked the suggestion
of selling advertising on the back of the 50p
piece, which we figure is actually sort of
workable.
http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2005/08/19/pic-coins

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Startled moonlight rabbit

A beautiful baby bunny caught, poised in the
camera flash as she raids the lettuce patch.
She would probably be delightful in a casserole.
http://i26.tinypic.com/10mpw2e.jpg

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Your pathetic cameraphone lols

>> Painting on toast <<
Enjoyable sped-up footage of someone creating a
portrait out of toast and the Australian wonder
food vegemite. Gets the idea across pretty
quickly, but we liked the long period of slight
alterations and revisions as it showed a rare
attention to detail for an internet vid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_HPvAhnG_w&feature=user

>> Sex crime fashion <<
Comedian Jon Lajoie on his extensive range of
alluring paedo/rapist/killer clothing
accessories - guaranteed to win the ladies over.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0b502feff0

>> Toilet graffiti <<
Arty contrast between the polite, charming face
men present to women and the things they scrawl
on the walls of the toilet. We suspect that the
gents toilet is the best glimpse you can get of
what a world without women would be like.
http://www.icewhole.com/site/films/film.cfm?filid=665&x=46&y=36

>> Home-made DS <<
Nicely-rendered all-paper Nintendo DS, complete
with hand-drawn Super Mario.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Home_Made_DS

>> Headcases "ok" <<
Slacking on YouTube, we happened across the
recent satirical successor to Spitting Image.
Surprisingly, it wasn't shit. In fact, we sort
of kind of enjoyed watching it. So if you missed
it while it was on telly and you have some time
to spare you could do worse. Let this ringing
endorsement be your guide!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=h4GSdSrthj4

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Will they never learn?

* INADVERTENT SEX LINE - Horrific
mispronunciation on the Computer Exchange
automated phone system. "Welcome to Cex." Your
fearless b3ta team investigates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38gA-V84FaM

* BONE SUCKING SAUCE - ill-advised attempt at
southern slang from a Lakeland catalogue.
http://img398.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bonesuckingwp9.jpg

* ASK FOR COCK - Astonishingly direct vintage
advertising.
http://snipurl.com/andgodsavethequeen

* DOCTOR FUCK - The pubmed archive throws up
yet another amusingly-named medic. Is there any
limit to its wonders?
http://snipurl.com/doctor-fuck

* DAILY STAR SNATCH AGONY - UK tabloid words
front page headline really, really badly. Or,
considering their deputy editor used to edit
Zoo, maybe it's all on purpose?
http://shrunk.net/45c7ea60

* NIPSUK - alas, no erotic topless pictures on
this website for Northern Insulation and
Pipeline Stockists Ltd
http://www.nipsuk.com

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Third World USA Challenge

Last week we wanted to see how the USA
would suffer in a global depression.

Your favourites included:

* PARIS - celebrity goes to the dogs (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8246267

* MEARS - survival, southern style
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8252046

* HAPPY - the world's reaction to the USA's
demise (Alpaca)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8254048

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thirdworldamerica/

>> New challenge: The Future of Ads <<
What will ads look like the future? What new
products will there be, and how will they be
advertised? What current products will still be
around, and how will they be sold?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* OVER-EGGING THE PUDDING - "One of my student
mates was a bit of a space cadet," explains
Sarah. "When he made a birthday cake for
another friend, it was his first ever baking
adventure and enjoyed cracking the eggs open so
much he got a little carried away and ended up
using 18 eggs (the recipe called for two)." The
result was cake-shaped scrambled eggs.

* ALEISTER CROWLEY - "The Great Beast was my
great uncle," confesses Boxofrabbits. "It's no
joke. My grandfather used to hate all mentions
of him because the family was forced to sell
their brewery to pay for the debts he racked
up."

* LIGHT GRAFFITI - "After seeing that link in
the newsletter the other day, I remembered that
there was a whole music video done with this by
Kaki King," explains W3rthers. It works well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVYp2sgA9M0

* VEXATIOUS LITIGANTS - "Regarding your
American prisoner who keeps suing people
[Jonathan Lee Riches, last issue]," informs
Christi. "That wouldn't actually be possible if
he lived over here. There's a bunch of people
who have basically been barred from bringing
cases in the UK courts without the permission
of a judge, as they were taking the piss."
Interestingly, they are sort of named and
shamed here:
http://snipurl.com/yourcardismarked

* FAMOUS YORKSHIREMEN - "A sarf African
colleague was asking me 'who famous comes from
Yorkshire'," explains John. "After a bit of
thought I came up with Peter Sutcliffe but then
decided on a bit of a google to find out more.
Have a read down this list and see if you spot
anyone familiar ." To save you the effort,
Jonti is a famous Yorkshire man. And they're
boasting about it, TO BOOST TOURISM! He should
do them a little animation or something, like
he did with Kenya.
http://www.yorkshiretouristguide.com/Articles/Article_29.asp

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* RANDOM PROVERB GENERATOR - write code to
split up old phrases to make new ones, "Two
heads are better than two in the bush", "Don't
cut off your nose after the horse has bolted"
or even, "when the cat's away, three's a
crowd." Lovely list of proverbs here, that kept
us amused for too long:
http://nostalgia.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_proverbs

* TOASTER CIRCUIT BENDING - rig up your toaster
with the biggest spring you can find, how high
can you make your caramelised bread jump?

* STARBUCKS IS THE NEW MCDONALDS - how many
calories is it possible to consume in both for
£5 and who wins? Our money is on Starbucks,
the new home of the internet fatty.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Love it : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Hate it: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matthewmarter,
Fishgoth, The magic of chutney, Monkey Tennis
*naf, flame boy, P3te, Pixelpops, jon pitt,
chequebookvandal, roystead, SickRik,
vinnie.brien, BadBadman, Friz 3.0, gertrude
went home, jim keane and your mum. Top Tippery
by monkeon. Not only a quiz, but a tip too!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Webbies to b4ta. Subjlol from The Great
Architect, mastheadrofl via thiswasmyclone.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP FOR VANDALS :
Because The Kooks have printed their name in
white on a black background for their latest
poster campaign, all it takes is two strokes of
a black marker to change their name to The
<ocks.

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
Thumbs up for leprosy! Oh, wait a sec...
http://www.sickipedia.org/

__._,_.___

Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic

Messages

Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)
Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional
Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

__,_._,___

Mittwoch, 9. April 2008

Vol 684 - April 9, 2008 - Strange Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." Henry Youngman.

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" Steven Wright.

"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night." Peter
Ustinov. (grunt)

"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." - Steve Martin

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women." Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test

Answers Given On A Bible Knowledge Test

Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.

The espistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.

Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.

A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.

==================================

Freitag, 4. April 2008

[b3ta] "Welcoming the paedos that Facebook bans"

This Week:
* VID - Philip Schofield on drugs
* GREYBLOKE - Gets groomed
* WEEBL - Guide to Biscuits

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "All your luggage
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| are belong to us"

B3ta email 322 - 04 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue322/

Ken: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Boris: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Discoo T-shirt special offer

Stock Up On Junk Food without Piling on the
Pounds with our moreish 3-4-2 T-Shirt Offer!
Buy any two Junk Food Tees and get the third
free. Free UK & Ireland Delivery.
http://www.discoo.co.uk/clearance.php?gender=male

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than semen stained rags

>> Phillip Schofield on drugs <<
"I made a video/tune out of Phil Schofield
clips," gurns Swede 'are you on one matey?'
Mason, "In which he raps about loving crack and
heroin. It used to be on YouTube. Phil ended up
seeing it; two days later it was gone. So I
stuck it on Myspace instead." This is very
entertaining, but has the vibe of kept in a
sealed box since 1992, and maybe that's why we
like it so much.
http://snipurl.com/hellobroomcupboard

>> Greybloke gets a Skype call<<
You'll start of thinking this is a bit boring,
then it suddenly becomes utterly foul and very
funny in an extremely wrong way. We won't spoil
it for you, just enjoy it.
http://b3ta.com/links/Grey_Bloke_gets_a_skype_call

>> Horse Manure <<
Your newsletter team has been thinking about
the various methods used to stop Mr Spitty from
spitting too quickly. We reckon Sting uses
horse poo. BTW: This is the fifth and final
episode of our Mr Pitchy series, for now anyway.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-11334

>> Weebl's guide to biscuits <<
It's fair to assume that Jonti Picking lives on
biscuits, and if he doesn't he knows far too
much about them. We love this tribute to the
food of the gods, and have given Jonti's
details to the producers of BBC3's Freaky
Eaters.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/Biscuits/

>> Happy Birthday war <<
"Here's a video that I made with Mitch Benn,"
boasts adamjamesbromley, "to mark the 5th
anniversary of the Iraq war." If you like
politilols, then this is right up your Downing
Street. Even if the singer does look like John
Prescott in a blonde wig.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5Vf4VbLfv8

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shit Stories, part poo

Last week we pressed the shit button and our
users started telling stories like they were
on Ex-lax. Lots of long, involved stories about
poo for you to read:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shitstories2/

* SHITTING OFF A BRIDGE - "I used to know a guy
called Marcus who defined the word disgusting.
After a very heavy night, Marcus found himself
on Richmond Bridge waiting for the train
station to open. Around 5am, rowers began
splashing their way upriver. In a moment of
sicko genius he decided to take a shit on them:
crouched on the concrete ledge, it took all his
concentration to control the push and balance
at the same time. It was all the more difficult
as he was physically trembling with laughter. A
subtle change in the sound of the boats as they
came under the bridge and his morning glory
took flight. "What the fuck?" "Errr, you sick
mother," came the shouts below. He'd managed a
direct hit on his first attempt. Laughing too
much, his balance started to go and despite
flapping arms, he almost instantly fell off the
bridge into the dirty water below. All credit
to the rowers - they pulled him ashore, made
sure he was alright... and then took turns
kicking any remaining shit out of his body. The
last thing he remembers was the expanding anus
of a burly rower about to take a shit on his
face." (kiss.me.where.i.poo)

* WHAT'S GREEK FOR SHIT? - "On arrival on
Zakynthos, we were solemnly instructed to put
the tissue in the bin after wiping, and not
down the ancient Greek plumbing. 11 days later
we were talking about how sorry we felt for the
maids having to empty the used tissues from the
bin. Silence reigned for a couple of seconds,
then Suzi piped up, "Hang on, what do you mean
'putting tissue in the bin'? You haven't been
flushing your poo away, have you? You're not
meant to put any solids down the toilet or
it'll block the drains!" It turned out, that
Suzi hadn't listened very well. Instead of
passing her jobbies into the toilet, she'd been
diligently folding tissue paper in to her hand,
pooing on to that, and depositing the whole
shitty, tissuey mess in to the small bin by the
throne. She left the maid a big tip."
(Devil_In_Tights)

* THANK YOU VERY MUCH - "My ambulance was sent
to a woman complaining of abdominal pain. My
partner Fabio and I can handle a lot of gross
smells but this smelled like the patient had
done a shit, vomited into said shit, let it
ferment in piss for a week, added a heaped
tablespoon of vinegar flavoured rat cum and
then re-ingested the lot and shat it out again.
There was shit on the sofa, shit in the carpet,
shitty hand prints on the walls, shit all over
the patient (who had passed out and was lying
in the shitty shit) and there was shit in the
shit. Fortunately, my partner was patient care
officer on this job thus enabling me to tread
shit whilst alternately making fake dry
retching noises and laughing at his genuine
retching. About a week later we received a
thank-you card from the patient which
surprisingly did not smell of shit. She was
very embarrassed by the whole situation and was
profusely apologetic. Before my partner saw the
card I forged an extra line of writing which
said: "Fabio, did your thumb slip up my arse
because of the shit or was that just a way of
stopping me doing any more? Either way, it was
nice. Call me." I added a couple of brown thumb
prints to the card courtesy of Cadbury's. He
actually dry retched on reading it, which was
nice." (emadex)

>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your DIY disasters. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diy/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Fantastic MAD fold-ins <<
A classic feature of MAD magazine, and arguably
the best thing in it, fold over the pages to
reveal a hidden image and message by artist Al
Jafee. We were left a bit confused by some of
the more US-centric references, but it's all
very clever stuff indeed.
http://snipurl.com/foldybollocks

>> Ric Flair Finance <<
In the UK it's TV brainbox Carol Vorderman
inciting the poor to hazard their credit. The
US, however, prefers someone a little more...
energetic. The poor, sad little "woo" he adds
to his sales spiel made us feel sorry for him
though.
http://ricflairfinance.com/

>> Pretty, pretty light graffiti <<
Some truly impressive effects in this galley of
'light graffiti" culled from Flickr. To try it
yourself you'll need a torch, a camera with a
long exposure time and, er, darkness.
http://abduzeedo.com/awesome-light-graffiti-pictures

>> Incredible frivolous lawsuit guy <<
Jonathan Lee Ritches is a US convict who is
passing his lengthy jail term avenging himself
against the US court system with an endless
cycle of bizarre lawsuits. At last that's what
we assume. Cases range from suing Brad and
Angelina for kidnapping Madeleine McCann, to
going after Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner for
paying their taxes (which he alleged went to
funding his incarceration). Perhaps it's all a
surreal joke, perhaps he's actually mentally
unwell... no-one can say for sure.
http://news.justia.com/cases/jonathan-lee-riches/

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitten goes to bed

"Oh to be a kitten", news TIAL, "where the
serious business of chasing a toy ends in
finding oneself neatly tucked away for bed
time."
http://snipurl.com/kittensleeps

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
And remember next week, YOU could be the star!

>> Monkeys on Motorbikes <<
If we were wearing our PC hat, we'd say this is
animal exploitation, from dreadfully
economically-disadvantaged people for the
entertainment of crass western tourists.
However, fuck it, we're B3ta, and it's a monkey
on a motorbike FFS! A monkey on a fucking
motorbike!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVzY6MtAAkQ

>> Alien abduction <<
No one at B3ta HQ can drive a car or pass a
driving test, so imagine our mental trauma on
watching this rather fantastic short from
Pixar, Lifted. Shown before Ratatouille in the
cinema, and if you're one of the two people
left in the world who haven't caught that movie
yet, then watch that too, for it comes with our
prestigious 'ideal bank holiday' movie award.
http://www.cyberthing.net/video-play.php?id=71

>> Drunk Jeff Goldblum <<
In 1999 Jeff made a series of ads for Apple and
some naughty internet pixie has slowed down the
audio 30% to make him sound completely pissed.
Yourzzz mah besstestss frriendds etc etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQmK1CnwOUI

>> Orange peel teeth trick <<
We all did this as kids, but this man does with
an unnatural precision. He's rather too nifty
with a knife for comfort, and has the
worryingly precise air of Gunther von Hagens.
Still, nice to be reminded of a cute little
trick. We also recommend doing similar with
chewing gum and peanuts.
http://snipurl.com/orangeballs

>> Walk of death <<
El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a
ruined path along the walls of a gorge in
Spain. After four people died at the turn of
the millennium, the local government closed off
the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker
and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild
side. Few vids make us as feel as sick as this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dangerous_Pathway

>> Remember Noseybonk? <<
If you're British and in your 30s, you may
remember this from kids' telly. It's bloody
weird and only unintentionally funny. We're not
sure if the "nosegay" seeds was a deliberate
joke, but we certainly laughed out loud when
six giant cocks - we mean noses - sprouted from
their individual pots of muck.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c_1QyOQDx6w

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring Amazonlols quarterly

* SPAAKY KIDS - Stephen Joyes belms, "My
brother had a leaflet posted through his door a
few weeks ago for a company called SPAAK. It's
not exactly a politically-correct word at the
best of times but these people decided it would
make a good name for a children's
afterschool/weekend club!"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/25257600@N02/2383209332/

* PENETRATING WAGNER'S RING - an oldie but
goldie from the 'amusing reviews on Amazon'
series via David Beckett. "When I initially
came across Wagner's Ring it was like a
revelation. I couldn't quite put my finger on
it - but I wanted to." etc. etc.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0306804379/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the famous babies challenge

Last week we wanted to see famous people as
infants.

Your favourites included:

* MR BEAN - this image is terrifying (Pob_mk2)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8221689

* KERMIT - it was never easy being green,
especially in the early days (Beardo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8224532

* SOCK - not just for Christmas (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8221556

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/babies/

>> New challenge: Third World America <<
Use photoshop (or Microsoft Paint if you must)
to predict the effects of global recession on
the lovely US of A.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thirdworldamerica/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* CELEB BABES IN THE STAR - Er... that would be
the UK tabloid covering b3ta's 'Celebrities as
Babies' image challenge - and with a nice
credit too. Amusingly, they do describe the
pics as the work of 'a computer whizz'.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8240974

* KENTISH TOWN MUSIC VIDEO - "In response to
your plea for NW5-based pop vids in last week's
newsletter," parps Seb, "here's the Ed
Wood-tastic promo for 'I Want To Go To Borneo',
the debut single by my band The Inconsolables.
QUAKE! as a giant hamster marauds around
Kentish Town, attacking taxis, phone booths and
quality ladies-wear emporium Blustons. GASP! in
amazement at the special FX. And WEEP! as Noel
Fielding gets nibbled to death."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWH8zAOlY9E

* NOB SIGS - Mikemystery answers our call for
cock and balls names with a brilliant example
from occult japester Aleister 'Great Beast'
Crowley. Can you uncover anything better? We're
told that Mohammed al-Fayed also has a phallic
sig but no examples were forthcoming.
http://tim.maroney.org/CrowleyIntro/Images/Signature.JPG

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Burn the rope

"Have you received about 5000 emails about this
yet?" asks tismselfstorage, "You should have.
It's the best game ever." Heh, he has a point,
we enjoyed it muchly and wonder if it's making
not-so-subtle reference to Portal.
http://www.mazapan.se/games/BurnTheRope.php

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* ADULT-UP MOVIE - mictoboy ponders, "seeing
your link to porn cartoons got me thinking. I
reckon it must be possible to insert bits of
hardcore porn into otherwise tame sex scenes
from mainstream movies, to 'dirty up' the
sexiness - Last Tango in Paris with proper
money shots; Don't Look Now with anal
penetration. For my money it could seriously
improve otherwise rather dull cinema."

* RICKROLL BBC NEWS - greem requests, "I read
in your latest newsletter about the plan to
rickroll an entire railway station. Interesting
though this is, I think it can be taken
further. You may know that Radio 4's six
o'clock news starts with the chimes of Big Ben,
which are broadcast live from a microphone in
the clock tower. This microphone picks up other
sounds around Parliament as well - occasionally
you can hear a police siren going past. So, if
a large group of people were to assemble in
Parliament Square just before 6pm on a
pre-arranged day, and sing very loudly in the
general direction of Big Ben at the right
moment, they could successfully rickroll the
news." Heh, good plan, and we had no idea the
BBC were wasting OUR LICENCE PAYERS MONEY on
live broadcasts of the chimes when they could
just use a bloody tape.

* OVER EGGING THE PUDDING - thinking about this
odd little phrase and we've never eaten a
pudding with too many eggs. Maybe you'd like to
see what cake comes out like if you add 16
eggs? How many eggs is too many? Only science
knows the answer.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Just noticed that the BBC iPlayer
has a volume control that is one louder and
goes to 11. Stuff sent in by jessekillerkay,
gronkpan, neal.atkinson. Tip Topiary by "when
cutting your hedge into the shape of a penis,
take a photo of your cock for the model, rather
than waving your old chap all around the front
lawn." Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via HappyToast, mastheadlols from Ad7.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
If you're bored and want to find out something
amusing, go to www.imdb.com and in the search
criteria type in the word wanker. (Ravage
monster)

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
It's been confirmed that Dawn French has
contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease.
Doctors have given her 27 years to live.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

__._,_.___

Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic

Messages

Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)
Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional
Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe

__,_._,___

Mittwoch, 2. April 2008

Vol 682 - April 2, 2008 - Strange and Stupid Internet Company Names

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Police Quotes:

"The idea that the police cannot ask questions of the person that knows most about the crime is an infamous decision." - Edwin Meese

"My ignorance of science is such that if anyone mentioned copper nitrate I should think he was talking about policemen's overtime." - Frederick Donald Coggan

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." - Mayor Marion Barry

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality." - Al Capone

"The police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder." - Mayor Richard Daley

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange and Stupid Internet Company Names

The following are all legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online domain name might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:

www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:

www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company:

www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com .

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always:

www.ipanywhere.com .

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is:

www.cummingfirst.com .

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site:

www.speedofart.com .

Submitted by John V.

==================================

Sonntag, 30. März 2008

Vol 681 - March. 30, 2008 - You May Be From Canada If…

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "Sports" Quotes:

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to Prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - You May Be From Canada If…

You May Be From Canada If…

You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

Your local newspaper covers the national news on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and roadwork.

You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan." (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all of your Canadian friends! Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further.

==================================

Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Samstag, 12. April 2008

Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt

Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt

Album cover photos of : Otto Waalkes Hilfe Otto Kommt

Otto Waalkes Das Vierte Programm

Otto Waalkes Das Vierte Programm

Album cover photos of : Otto Das Vierte Programm

Freitag, 11. April 2008

[b3ta] "How to make money from Child Abduction. Your step by step guide"

Mittwoch, 9. April 2008

Vol 684 - April 9, 2008 - Strange Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test

Freitag, 4. April 2008

[b3ta] "Welcoming the paedos that Facebook bans"

Mittwoch, 2. April 2008

Vol 682 - April 2, 2008 - Strange and Stupid Internet Company Names

Sonntag, 30. März 2008

Vol 681 - March. 30, 2008 - You May Be From Canada If…

Cool Stuff from Amazon

Blog-Archiv