Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: Mai 2017

Mittwoch, 31. Mai 2017

VOL 1607 - MAY 31, 2017 - GOLF - Important Little Known Facts

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

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MAY FUN!

Time For Some Strange Fun !

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes from England

Jon Snow : "In a sense, Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert : "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill -- BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussey -- four very different names."
(Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener : "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe : "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
(Talk Radio)

Interviewer : "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old : "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
(BBC Radio 4)

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - GOLF - Important Little Known Facts

EVER notice that it's easier to get up at 6:00 to golf than at 10:00 to mow?

- GOLF IS the ultimate love/hate relationship.

- SOMETIMES it seems as though your cup moveth over.

- IT TAKES LONGER to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

- A GOOD DRIVE on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

- WATER hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles and frogs, either.

- GOLF IS the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you end up praying a lot.

- A GOOD golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

- THAT rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

- IF THERE'S a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.

- A PRO shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

- IT'S amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks and rake his sand trap.

- IF YOUR opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

- YOU probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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HOT PAST CELEBS - 1970 LYNDA CARTER - ORIGINAL WONDER WOMAN! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202513.html

WOW! The Inside Story On James B Comey Fired By Trump As FBI Head! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202521.html

STRANGE HIGHWAY DANGERS - PICK TRUCK RIDE DOWN THE ROAD ALMOST SIDEWAYS - FRAME SPRUNG LOOKS CRAZY - ACTION GIF! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202523.html

STRANGE HOLLYWOOD SECRETS - SHARON STONE SURVIVED CLINICAL DEATH! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202524.html

CLASSIC OLDE CONCEPT CARS - 1963 LAMBORGHINI 350 GTV - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202554.html

STRANGE ANIMAL PALS - FROG RIDES BUCKING BEETLE - RHINO BEETLE - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202555.html

WONDER WOMAN PREMIER - OLD & NEW - GAL GADOT WITH LYNDA CARTER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202556.html

KARMA - MORON PASSING STUCK TRAFFIC ONT EH RIGHT HAND SHOULDER WINDS UP ON THE METAL BARRIER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202557.html

STRANGE HOUSES - IS THIS HILLSIDE MANSION GRINNING? - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202558.html

WE FOUND MOM'S FIDGET SPINNER! WINE OPENER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202559.html

MILITARY FUN - AIR FORCE TOILET SEAT COVER - BOMBS AWAY! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202560.html

STRANGE SPORTS DANGERS - NHL HOCKEY PUCK TAKES OUT CAMERA! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202561.html

AWESOME PILOT LOOK BACK VIEW OF MILITARY JET LAUNCHING OFF AIRCRAFT CARRIER! WOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202562.html

THE BEST MEMORIAL DAY PICTURE EVER - KNEELING HORSE AT MILITARY CEMETERY! WOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202563.html

STRANGE BRIDGES AROUND THE WORLD - NETHERLANDS ECO BRIDGE CREATES A ANIMAL HIGHWAY OVER A HUMAN HIGHWAY! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202564.html

SOCIAL MEDIA MORONS - GYM TIME! - ALWAYS REVIEW YOUR SELFIES BEFORE YOU POST THEM! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202565.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - NASTY ACCIDENTS - NATURAL DISASTERS - POOR ROAD CONDITIONS - STRANGE PROBLEMS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100005_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week:

- We All Get OLD In The End - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202517.html

- True Political Brilliance - In Three Parts! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202518.html

- Women's English vs. Men's English - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/134833.html

- You Know You're a Mother When ... - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/128482.html

- 10 Ways to Know if You Have Estrogen Issues - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/115622.html

- 'Geography' of a Woman AND a Man! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141326.html

- Where Did All Those Strange Expressions Come From? Here's The REAL Story! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/192454.html

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The Featured New Category This Week - SZ - ELEPHANTS - RHINOS - HIPPOS - African - Circus Acts - Babies

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100674_1.html

==================================

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Because of a number of requests, we are becoming more active of both Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook. We will periodically be Tweeting the latest BEST or Most UNIQUE pictures. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOLLOWING US!

Please Click here to begin following: https://twitter.com/headstranger
https://www.facebook.com/pages/StrangeCosmoscom/278654660263

http://www.pinterest.com/headstranger/boards/

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Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

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Sonntag, 28. Mai 2017

VOL 1606 - MAY 28, 2017 - Memorial Day Special

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

---------------------------------------

MEMORIAL DAY FUN!

Time For Some Strange Fun !

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

QUOTES & TOASTS of the DAY - Patriotic Toasts

"Here's to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors-- The colors that never run!"

"May the tree of liberty flourish round the globe, and every human being partake of its fruits."

"May noise never excite us to battle, or confusions reduce us to defeat."

- Memorial Day Toasts & Quotes

"To her we drink, for her we pray, our voices
silent never.
For her we'll fight -- let come what may, The Stars
and Stripes forever."

"Here's to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors-- The colors that never run!"

"May the tree of liberty flourish round the globe, and every human being partake of its fruits."

"May noise never excite us to battle, or confusions reduce us to defeat."

"Soldiers have many faults, but they have one redeeming merit; they are never worshipers of force. Soldiers more than any other men are taught severely and systematically that might is not right. The fact is obvious. The might is in the hundred men who obey. The right (or what is held to be right) is in the one man who commands them." - Gilbert K. Chesterton

"The nation which forgets its defenders will be itself forgotten." - Calvin Coolidge

"An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep." - Arabian Proverb

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - EULOGY FOR A VETERAN

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the Gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

GREAT MILITARY PHOTO - AIR CREW LOOKING OUT THE CARGO DOOR AT MILITARY JET ESCORT - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/195261.html

GREAT MEMORIAL DAY PICTURE - US FLAG FURLS OPEN TO REVEAL PROUD NAVY WARSHIP - GREAT SHOT! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/188346.html

WWII - IWO JIMA MEMORIAL - SUNSET! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/154206.html

MEMORIAL DAY! - SOME PEOPLE VIEW IT DIFFERENTLY - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183100.html

AERIAL VIEW - USS ARIZONA MEMORIAL - PEARL HARBOR - HONOLULU, OAHU - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/164435.html

STRANGE WWII EQUIPMENT - ARMY PARACHUTIST EQUIPMENT DETAILED - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/191547.html

AMAZING NOSE ON SHOT OF WWII B-24 BOMBERS - CLOSE UP VIEW OF NOSE GUNNER - TOP TURRET - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/188354.html

F-18 SUPER HORNETS FLYING OVER AIR CRAFT CARRIER (CVN-76) RONALD REAGAN BELOW! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/191355.html

COOL MEMORIAL DAY BEER CASE DISPLAY AT GROCERY STORE - AIRCRAFT CARRIER! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/195258.html

USS REAGAN PASSING THE ARIZONA MEMORIAL - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/118335.html

SOME GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES DON'T TAKE SNOW DAYS - MEMORIAL FOR THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/194477.html

COOL MEMORIAL DAY BEER CASE DISPLAY AT GROCERY STORE - AIRCRAFT CARRIER! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/195258.html

BLUE ANGELS CARGO PLANE - AMAZING JATO TAKE OFF! WOW! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/198499.html

GENERATIONS OF VALOR - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/107623.html

BOOM! BATTLESHIP FIRES 16 INCH GUNS!!!!! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/107293.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - MILITARY VEHICLES - JETS - TANKS - HELICOPTERS - SHIPS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100036_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

- This Marine is Tired - Must Read! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/102881.html

- Memorial Day Service - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/21131.html

- The History of Memorial Day - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/100305.html

- 10 Strange Things You Might Not Know About World War II - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/151425.html

- What Do You Know About The Flag? - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/106976.html

- A Memorial Day Prayer - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/100303.html

- Definition of an American - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/24204.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SM - MILITARY - "SPECIAL" PICTURES AND PRESENTATIONS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/100050_1.html

==================================

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Because of a number of requests, we are becoming more active of both Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook. We will periodically be Tweeting the latest BEST or Most UNIQUE pictures. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOLLOWING US!

Please Click here to begin following: https://twitter.com/headstranger
https://www.facebook.com/pages/StrangeCosmoscom/278654660263

http://www.pinterest.com/headstranger/boards/

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Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

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Freitag, 26. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "Sponsored by Walkers Crisps - It's the Official Fred West Fan Club Newsletter!"

Truth be told the newsletter is shite in yahoo groups - read it via the site - we've bunged it into the blog so at least it should be vaguely readable on mobile. C'mon you lovely people, read it ok?

http://b3ta.com/blog/issue674/

And here's it as a big pile of text if you want it like that.

"Sponsored by Walkers Crisps - It's the Official Fred West Fan Club Newsletter!"

This Week:

* REMEMBERING MUNKT0N - with 2003 board invasion

* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Anti tory posters

* ROGER MOORE - Remembrance & nostalgia B3ta stlye

-------------------------------------------------

________ ____ __ ___

____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We sacked

___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Katie Hopkins

__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"

B3ta email 674 - 26 May 2017

Read this issue in your pants:

http://b3ta.com/blog/issue674/

Friend b3ta on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: HELLO NUMBER FOUR

Delighted by the warm response our comeback has had & if you want to help there's one thing we need: Facebook likes.

The reality of modern publishing is you need a strong Facebook page to get stuff in front of people. We used to do this via newsletter.

We're absolutely going to continue the newsletter but we need a strong Facebook page. Like the fuck out of it. Now.

https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: SPONSORED LINK

Look at Them Shine – Garrick Theatre

Feat: Sara Pascoe, Jason Byrne, Brian Gittins, Tom Allen, John Kearns

A Comedy night, like Live In The Apollo without that dude in the wig Michael Macintyre telling you that you trust the fridge... WHO SAYS I TRUST THE FRIDGE? NOBODY! I DON'T TRUST ANYONE! LET ALONE THE FRIDGE.

FUCK THE FRIDGE!

http://www.rabbitrabbitcomedy.com/london/look-at-them-shine-june-13/

BTW: No we were fibbing about being sponsored by Walkers Crisps. Sorry. Rabbit Rabbit comedy is our sponsor. Be nice to them and buy their tickets. Go on.

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: BYE ROGER MOORE

Three way bye-bye from everyone at b3ta

* BEST ROGER MOORE STORY YOU'LL EVER READ - It's been a rotten week but this story about a chap meeting Roger Moore as a child and then again as an adult really lifted our mood and hopefully it'll do the same for you. Thanks to Marc Haynes for sharing.

http://b3ta.com/blog/simply-a-great-story-about-roger-moore-thatll-make-you-feel-good/

* ROGER MOORE FLASH NOSTALGIA - Back in B3ta 55 we published Dan Chamber's Flash animation about Roger Moore so today we got back in touch and asked him to get it on YouTube. It's great - double nostalgia of old B3ta and the dearly departed Rog. And how's Dan? He's well, he's still in animation and done loads of kids TV and adverts in the er... last 15 or so years since we last caught up. Yay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W8a1CqSbI8

* ROGER PHOTOSHOPS - Some Roger Moore tributes from our ob3tuaries challenge. Not the best possible taste but they were made with love.

http://b3ta.com/challenge/ob3tuaries/

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: GIVE WEEBL YOUR FUCKING MONEY

Jonti Picking, of badger badger badger fame wants your money. Patreon stuff init. He says "Making animations is not easy, quick or cheap so if you like what we do then your support REALLY helps and gives us the freedom to create the things you love, without compromising." Go on, bung the old sausage 50p.

https://www.patreon.com/mrweebl

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK

Other than making suspicious jam

* ANDREW MARR WEATHER - @area writes, "My significant other has decreed that 'The Andrew Marr Show' is required viewing since we started dating. It didn't take me long to realise what my favourite bit of it is, and as a result I've now started a Twitter account solely to document Andrew Marr introducing the weather forecast"

https://twitter.com/SoToTheWeather

We asked WHY they enjoyed this bit so much and area replied, 'They're just needlessly overwritten. He could just say "Here's Louise with the weather", but instead he says "It's been a rather desolate, bone-aching and frankly soul-destroying week, meteorologically, and I wish I could think of something good to say about it. But I can't. Over to Louise".'

* THERESA MAY ELECTION SONG - "I made another musical video, this time about Theresa May's campaign strategy" writes the b3ta artist formerly known as giant_squid. We thought we'd hate this but it's great.

https://youtu.be/3Kjp5JxlGjs

* ELECTION POSTERS - if you hadn't noticed there's an election on. "I been doing these anti-tory posters writes", long term b3tan Darren Cullen AKA Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives, "I've been making anti-Tory propaganda you can download and print in your home, office, or local closed & dilapidated library."

https://www.spellingmistakescostlives.com/toriesout

* HISTORY OF MUSIC - James Errington writes, "I'm making a mix of music / audio for every year since the start of sound recording. So far I've got up to 1890."

https://centuriesofsound.wordpress.com/2017/05/01/1890/

-------------------------------------------------

* WALKERS CRISPS FUCK-UP Amazing screw up from Walkers - they allowed unmoderated photos into their official Twitter account and tweeting out videos of murderers & sex offenders. And of course we've saved the video so you can watch coz they obviously deleted all this shit ASAP.

http://b3ta.com/blog/walkers-crisps-tweet-a-series-of-murderer-and-sex-offender-videos-in-fully-fledged-social-media-disaster/

* BBC BROASDCAST BAD TASTE IAN BRADY RADIO QUIZ - Make sure you listen to this radio clip as a cheesy local radio host decided to commit career suicide by doing a jolly music quiz about Ian Brady. Unbelievable.

http://b3ta.com/blog/ian-brady-local-radio-quiz/

BTW: If anyone has a follow up on this story we'd like to know. BBC apologised & Nathan Turvey deleted account. But we're still puzzled by it. It's been forgotten in the horror of the week but still want to know *why* he did this. Not outraged. Fascinated. Weird thing to do in context of BBC local radio.

-------------------------------------------------

: REMEMBERING MUNKT0N

Old school b3tan Munkt0n of B3ta AND 4rthur fame sadly passed on this week but it prompted B3tans of 2003 vintage to stage a board invasion in tribute to the lovely old chap. It's a fitting tribute and seeing all the old names puts a lump in our throat.

http://b3ta.com/board/11226737

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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK

All the good stuff from /board

* "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING 18-24 YEAR OLDS!" - (Artist: Q4nobody)

http://b3ta.com/board/11227556

* IMPORTANT GENERAL ELECTION INFO - this is getting loads of shares on Facebook and hopefully people understand it's a gag rather than fake news. (Barbarossa)

http://b3ta.com/board/11227991

* "Post Manchester Bombing Social Media Immigration Discussion Bingo" - (Artist: Drimble)

http://b3ta.com/blog/post-manchester-bombing-social-media-immigration-discussion-bingo/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE

This week: Anti Tory Election Posters

Make some new election posters for the Conservative party. Bonus points for printing them off and sticking them up in public, like the internet anarchists you are.

http://b3ta.com/challenge/antitory2017

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK - THANKS B3TA - A REPEATED AD!

Look at Them Shine – Garrick Theatre

Feat: Sara Pascoe, Jason Byrne, Brian Gittins, Tom Allen, John Kearns

FUCK THE FRIDGE!

http://www.rabbitrabbitcomedy.com/london/look-at-them-shine-june-13/

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT

Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.

Newsletter subj by CanonCaliber & sock.

-------------------------------------------------

Follow b3ta on Twitter:

https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP: NEED TO GET FROM MY HOUSE TO THE DOCTORS IN 3 MINS AT SCHOOL RUSH HOUR? - Go into Peterborough Road, right onto Canterbury Road, turn right onto Northway and dogleg across Aldershot Road down Beckingham Road, take a left into Grantley Road and follow Weston Road round. (NB: of limited use to most people on the board). (shavedchimp)

http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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Mittwoch, 24. Mai 2017

VOL 1605 - MAY 24, 2017 - Strange Test - Are You From The Ghetto or Suburbs?

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

---------------------------------------

MAY FUN !

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes:

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Test - Are You From The Ghetto or Suburbs?

Ghetto Test

If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score.

Scoring is given at the bottom of the test.

1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points)

2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points)

3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7 points)

4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points)

5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)

6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points)

7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each)

8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points)

9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points)

10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points)

11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9 points)

12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar)

13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!)

14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B)

15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces.

16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points)

17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away)

18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some)

19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points)

20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points)

21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars.

22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points)

23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1 point)

24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'.

25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points)

26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.)

27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points)

28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc.

29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)

30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)

31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points)

32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc.

33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points)

34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points)

35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points)

36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points)

37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points)

38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points)

39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point)

40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points)

41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points)

42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points)

43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points)

44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points)

45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points)

46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points)

47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points)

48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points)

49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points)

50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)

Scoring

0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs.

31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure.

61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends.

101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs.

131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life.

161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood.

201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE SPORTS FIGHTS - WORLDS WORST FIST FIGHT IN SOCCER! - FUNNY ACTION GIF! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202478.html

STRANGE OLD CELEBRITY FUN - DEAN MARTIN AND FRANK SINATRA WRITE LETTERS ON HOW TO PREPARE A SIGNATURE HAMBURGER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202479.html

STRANGE ROCK CREATIONS - STRANGE FULL SIZE VOLKSWAGEN ROCK SEDAN - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202480.html

AWESOME SPIRAL STAIRCASE - MAJESTIC AFRICAN LION NEWEL POST! - WOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202481.html

INFANTS AND BABY FUN - WATCH THIS TODDLER PULL HIS LITTLE SISTERS CRIB OVER TO HIS! - STRONG! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202498.html

PARKING LOT KARMA - MERCEDES BENZ PARKED IN FOUR SPOTS IS TRASHED BY MAD CUSTOMERS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202499.html

GOLF FUN - GREATEST BANK SHOT EVER - OFF A FENCE POST NEXT TO THE PIN! FUN ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202500.html

COOL MILITARY PIXS - US NAVY BATTLESHIP MOORED RIGHT DOWNTOWN! USS WISCONSIN BB-64 - GREAT SHOT! - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/202501.html

FOOD FUN - IT DEPARTMENT BIRTHDAY CAKE - COMPUTER MOTHERBOARD CAKE! GEEK HEAVEN! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202502.html

GRANDPA GO HOME - SENIOR ON A MOBILITY SCOOTER WAITS FOR LIGHT WITH 2 MOTORCYCLE RIDERS - NO HELMET! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202503.html

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STRANGE CAT PIXS - NEIGHBORHOOD CAT NIP PLANTS LOOK LIKE AN OLD TYME OPIUM DEN FOR CATS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202505.html

STRANGE WOMENS WRESTLING FUN - BLONDE DOES A BACK-FLIP FROM THE TOP OF THE ROPES! WOW - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202506.html

STRANGE PERSONAL SECURITY FUN - LADY AT ATM BRINGS HER SMITH AND WESSON WHEN WITHDRAWING MONEY - GUARD DOGS NAMED SMITH AND WESSON! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202507.html

STRANGE OLD CONCEPT CARS - 1956 PONTIAC CLUB DE MAR DREAM CAR - ROCKET SHIP LIKE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202508.html

STRANGE ANCIENT HISTORY - OLDEST PRESERVED STONE HOUSE IN NORTHERN EUROPE DISCOVERED IN ORKNEY SCOTLAND - - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202509.html

SPORTS FUN - THIS IS WHY THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL - GET IT! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202511.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - STRANGE ANIMAL STUFF - HOUSES - LEASHES - BOWLS -

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/101307_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

- Great Thoughts and Memories of Bob Hope - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/176336.html

- Strange Quotes About Advertising - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/176338.html

- An Old Farmer's Advice - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/129138.html

- Strange Facts and Useless Information - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/176339.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SM - MILITARY EQUIPMENT - EXPLOSIONS - ATOMIC BOMB TESTS - HYDROGEN BOMBS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/100371_1.html

==================================

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Because of a number of requests, we are becoming more active of both Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook. We will periodically be Tweeting the latest BEST or Most UNIQUE pictures. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOLLOWING US!

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Sonntag, 21. Mai 2017

VOL 1604 - MAY 21, 2017 - You Know You're From Michigan if....

Freitag, 19. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"

This Week:
* JESUS IS A TORY - And we interviewed him
* HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME? - Very, we imagine
* IN PRIVATE EYE - For telling Murdoch to F. Off

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | all of the web out
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| so we don't lose it"

B3ta email 673 - 19 May 2017

Read this issue via a internet bollock:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue673

Friend b3ta on Facebook - go on you bastards:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: HELLO AGAIN x3

Week three in the unlikely B3ta newsletter
relaunch and we've sold an ad (yes, really), and
been horribly overambitious again - interviewing
Jesus so we're late. Shit on a bollock. We want
to be early. Anyway - on with the content
people. It's CONTENT TIME , but first a word
from our sponsor:

-------------------------------------------------

: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live

Really - who would believe it? Back three weeks
and we've sold an ad. Actually one that's
relevant to B3ta readers. KNIGHTMARE LIVE FFS!
How good is that? Some some fucking tickets ok?

-------------------------------------------------

: OFFICAL B3TA INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
OK, 'Tory' Jesus

Yep. Always bringing your exclusives we're got
an interview with Jesus. Yes, Jesus has risen
again and he's come back as a Tory, the fucking
Tory arsehole.

Make sure you read this - Tory Jesus is fucking
brilliant.
http://b3ta.com/blog/tory-jesus-twitter-account/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING RECENTLY
Amazing stuff - truly wonderful things

* THE NAKED GUN RANDOM INTRO SEQUENCE GENERATOR
- Monkeon has made a brilliant thing that plays
random gifs in the style of the Naked Gun intro.
Turn up the sound.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/nakedgun/

* COMPUTER FUN - a great little visual gag from
drivelsieve. Utterly charming.
http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_fun

* HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME - actually a worky
project from Matt Round but we're bunging it in
coz it's very UsVsTh3m - the particular viral
mechanism of encouraging people to look up their
own name. We recommend looking up Donald.
https://www.gotocourt.com.au/how-criminal-is-your-name/

* SAYING GOOD BYE TO DAD - Ornsack's dad sadly
passed away last year and he was best known for
making the well-loved kids' TV show Trapdoor.
Ornsack writes, "My dad passed away last March
whilst making an animated series in his spare
time. I've been desperately trying to finish it
for him alongside a few of his mates. We are
nearly done! Aiming for a March release on
trusty-ol' YouTube. In the mean time local BBC
News interviewed me about it over Christmas.
YEAH I SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS EARLIER. Never
mind."
http://b3ta.com/links/Finishing_My_Dads_Work

* SHED OF THE YEAR 2007 - the project unclewilco
launched on B3ta back in 2007 is going great
guns and now is a TV show and subject og a huge
Guardian feature. Amazing work old chap.
https://goo.gl/4qapS7

* HELP BUILD A FURTIVE BEAR - b3tas are working
together to build a Furtive Bear using a
collaborative pixel app. Currently there's huge
cock on it. Yay.
http://pixelcanvas.io/@389,1748

-------------------------------------------------

: GETTING INTO PRIVATE EYE BY TELLING RUPERT
MURDOCH TO "FUCK OFF"

Very pleased to get this press clipping from
Private Eye about this very newsletter's editor,
who was simply amusing himself one day on
Twitter and managed to get the message "Fuck off
Murdock" into The Sun online newspaper.
https://goo.gl/MlqG7w

-------------------------------------------------

: SIX PEOPLE WHO DID DIE IN THE MIDDLE-AGES

@DeathMedieval is a superb Twitter bot that
posts "real deaths from medieval coroners' rolls"

Here's a handful of our absolute favs:

* A dead man, found in 1362 by John Atfield, who
had not been wounded, but "somewhat lacerated by
dogs."

* Bertram Polet, found dead in 1271, assumed to
have been slain by "evil-doers."

* Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet
slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart,
which did penetrate into his fundament
(buttocks)

* Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age
14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which
had been startled by a bird

* Johanna, daughter of Bernard de Irlaunde, died
in 1322, being mortally bitten by a sow while
lying in her cradle. The sow valued at 13 1/2 d

* John Clerk, stabbed in 1366 by by Adam Case
with knife thirteen inches long after
"opprobrious words" were exchanged in a field.

Seriously. Shit the bed. You need to follow the
fuck out of this.
https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 1/5 - @sehnaoui

"People next to me are loud and rude. They just
found the perfect name for their new business. I
just bought the domain name."

-------------------------------------------------

: SWEAR CLOCK UPDATE

Last week we launched Swear Clock and we've
noticed that simple direct swears often get the
most engagement. But the baroque ones are my
favs. So here's just five from what people are
calling "that clock thing that swears"

* Shit Jesus's Bed And Wank On A Bible It's
10:30AM

* Spunk On A Cottage Pie It's 10:30AM

* Fuck An Owl And Blame Alan Shearer It's 11:30AM

* Touch Rob Brydon's Anus With A Porcelain Dog
Collection It's 11:30AM

* Spunk On A Blankety Blank Chequebook And Pen
It's 11:30PM

We're also pleased to see an article in The
Metro.
https://goo.gl/yMxBky

Also got a lovely mention from from Nick Doody
on BBC Radio 4's "That Was the Tweet That Was"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q60r5

Getting media attention is a surprise as
although we obviously want our projects to be
popular and get talked about, Swear Clock really
is fucking rude. Not just fucks and cunts, but
random and surreal abuse of celebrity's genitals
with mundane objects. On half past the hour -
every hour. Fuck yeah.
http://twitter.com/swearclock

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 2/5 - @PetFran48

"It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a
Tory in possession of a fortune must be in need of
some more"

-------------------------------------------------

: THREE BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
All the good stuff from /board

* A STAR TREK NOSTALGIC CLASSIC - (Mofaha)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226508

* KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082

* TORY MALWARE - (Artist: HSDriver)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226131

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but even shittier

* THIS "STRONG AND STABLE" DAFT PUNK REMIX IS
FUCKING MARVELLOUS
http://b3ta.com/links/1439250

* THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ELECTRONIC MUSIC PIONEER
DELIA DERBYSHIRE IS ALSO FUCKING MARVELLOUS
http://b3ta.com/links/1439405

* NEWSREADERS IN THE PUB IS A PRETTY GOOD SKETCH
http://b3ta.com/links/1440187

Right. That's enough video. If you want loads
of video go to the popular bit of /links. Loads
of fucking video there sunshine.
http://b3ta.com/links/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 3/3 - @somecleverthing

"Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to
Dying Alone"

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS

We ballsed up the link to Mushybees t-shirt last
week shop - so here's the correct one.

We recommend classics like "don't vote Tory" and
"Piers Morgan is a bell end"
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/mushybeestees

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
Yes, you can star in this newsletter

* COOKING WITH SPECTRUMS - There's a niche but
potentially funny YouTube video idea in this.
Set up your ZX in kitchen and try and cook along
https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/864904222063689728

* KICKSTOPPER - donate to prevent tedious
journalists posting their terrible takes

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 4/5 - @dotmund

"Iggy Pop was 70 this year. I know this because of
the song 1969, in which he states that he was 21
the previous year"

-------------------------------------------------

: SLOGANS MANGLED BY MAY

In the week where Theresa May actually said
"what it is says on the tin is what they will
get" we were amusing to see people making their own
#slogansmangledbymay

* "In order to return the freshness, we must not
only do the vacuuming, but also shake." -

* "Iron Brew, Made in The North from Bollards" -

* "My friend Marmite" -

* "They're tasty, and tasty *means* tasty." -

* "Go to work after eating an egg" -

* "Enjoy a rest with your Kit Kat" -

Suggestions from @petetavna, @Okeating,
@DanielMudford, @mrwriterman79,
@GeeItSomeLaldy, @JoeScaramanga.

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 5/5 - @ZoeTomalin

"Getting BBC news alerts at the moment is like
being in a Whatsapp group with Satan"

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Make Corbyn Electable

Here's the best images from last week:

* "HE'S JEREMY, JEREMY, JEREMY RIMMER, WITHOUT
HIM LIFE WOULD BE MUCH GRIMMER....." ETC. -
(Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225810

* KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082

* "I'M FREE!" - (Q4nobody)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225770

* See all the other images from the 'Make Corbyn
Electable' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable

>> This week: After TV <<
What jobs do fictional tv characters do after
their shows have finished? Show us with the
power of computational image manipulation what
line of work Yogi bear went in to, how Captain
Picard funds his continuing space trips and how
The Fonz pays his leather jacket and RSI thumb
surgery bills.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/aftertv

-------------------------------------------------

* FINALLY A GOOD USE FOR FACEAPP - This guy
going around a museum and using FaceApp to add
smiles to classical art is such a good idea.
Would be lovely to try this in a UK gallery too.
https://goo.gl/LruamB

-------------------------------------------------

: REJECTED (BUT GOOD NEWSLETTER TITLES)
Fuck it, it's good content brad

* ENTERING YOUR INBOX LIKE A SEX-STARVED JULIAN
ASSANGE (TRIBS)

* FUCK ME OVER A BARREL IT'S HALF PAST
NEWSLETTER O'CLOCK (BARBAROSSA)

* JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR THE
CRIME OF DRESSING A CAT IN A SHIRT AND TIE
(SMALLBRAINFIELD)

* WE'RE STILL BACK AND TORIES ARE STILL CUNTS
(MANIC)

* NO NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY HAS BEEN TREATED
WORSE THAN THIS (ARNIIE)

* ANOTHER B3TA NEWSLETTER. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
MAKING THESE UNTIL YOU SEND US ENOUGH BITCOINS
(ENCELADUS)

* THE OFFICIAL 2017 PROCRASTINATION MANIFESTO
(@TWEETSBYJT)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226621

-------------------------------------------------

: EVERY SINGLE THING MARK E SMITH HATES
According a wonderful 1987 magazine feature

* Brown bread with bits in it
* All Sunday papers
* Mature guys with ponytails
* Scotch pop groups featuring pseudo intellectuals
* The Cure's one record
* All Welsh groups
* All new American groups
* All Dutch groups
* Anything connected with New Model Army
* Chablis wine V
* Vietnam War
* Iran/Iraq War
* Mexican food
* Berlin
* Leeds
* American football
* Mike Smith
* Nescafe
* All fruit juice
* Boddie and Waddle
* Embassy No 1
* Marlboro 100's
* Royal Air Force
* Eddie Murphy
* British science fiction
* Stephen King
* All new American and British cartoons
* British Electricity
* France (permanent)
* Martin Amis
* Pop stars in new silver cars
* Rock on television
* Plastic grebos in Doctor Martens boots. (You'd
never get a real biker to wear them.)
https://twitter.com/20thcenturymarc/status/863770679132520450

-------------------------------------------------

: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live

Yes we've repeated the ad at the bottom. It's
called trying to play nice with the people who
waved money at us. It's a good idea.

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.

Newsletter title by Mighty Nibus.

-------------------------------------------------
Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP: SAVE TIME! - The next time somebody
asks you what the time is just walk past them.
I've calculated that If I had done this since
the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole
5 days. Also works for directions and requests
for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really
am. (Woolworth)

Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

__._,_.___

Posted by: Rob Manuel <rob@b3ta.com>

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Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Mittwoch, 31. Mai 2017

VOL 1607 - MAY 31, 2017 - GOLF - Important Little Known Facts

Sonntag, 28. Mai 2017

VOL 1606 - MAY 28, 2017 - Memorial Day Special

Freitag, 26. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "Sponsored by Walkers Crisps - It's the Official Fred West Fan Club Newsletter!"

Mittwoch, 24. Mai 2017

VOL 1605 - MAY 24, 2017 - Strange Test - Are You From The Ghetto or Suburbs?

Sonntag, 21. Mai 2017

VOL 1604 - MAY 21, 2017 - You Know You're From Michigan if....

Freitag, 19. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"

Mittwoch, 17. Mai 2017

VOL 1603 - MAY 17, 2017 - Strange Eating Utensil Facts - Fork a No-NO!

Sonntag, 14. Mai 2017

VOL 1602 - MAY 14, 2017 - 15 Strange New Uses For VODKA!

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