VOL 1538 - OCT 02, 2016 - Strange Regional Differences - Planning For The Football Season in the North & South

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Quotes of the Day -

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." - Covert Bailey

"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people." - Jim Eason

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." - Carrie Snow

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind." - Ziggy (Tom Wilson)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."- Rita Rudner

"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry."- John Lennon (1940 - 1980)

"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." --Ronald Reagan

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Planning For The Football Season in the North & South

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.


Women's Accessories


NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.


Stadium Size


NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.


Fathers


NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.


Campus Decor


NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.


Homecoming Queen


NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.


Heroes


NORTH: Rudy Giuliani

SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson


Getting Tickets


NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.


Monday Classes After a Saturday Game


NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.


Parking


NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.


Game Day


NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.


Tailgating


NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.


Getting to the Stadium


NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.


Concessions


NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.


When National Anthem is Played


NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.


The Smell in the Air After the First Score


NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.


Commentary (Male)


NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."


Commentary (Female)


NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."


Announcers


NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.


After the Game


NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!

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