Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "Ed Balls"

This Week:
* MOODY BLUES - Sounding As Good As Ever
* TWITTER TOOL - Without My Pants
* THATCHER - Life-size cardboard version

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on a Blue Peter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| stylee totaliser"

B3ta email 577 - 19th Apr 2013

Read this issue via autotune:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue577/

Yay : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Nay : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Life size cutout photo of Margaret Thatcher

If, like us, you can't control yourself with
excitement every time you hear a new policy for
fucking over the poor, selling off public
assets for pennies and tax breaks for the
rich, you'll want to celebrate in style by
having your very own life-size cardboard
Thatcher. We sleep with ours in our bed and
call her Mummy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0071DSAQA/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff & nonsense, you know the score

>> Without My Pants <<
Monkeon likes to ponder old pop culture
ephemera and wonder how to turn them into
contemporary web things. This week it's the
turn of 80s kids TV show Round The Twist.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/withoutmypants/

>> Furtive wedding ring <<
Man writes code to get the B3ta furtive bear
icon on his wedding ring. Wonder what his wife
thinks?
http://f1a.me/b3LzI

>> Dog with bed on head <<
"It's dog video," writes williamandrews, "so
kill me." Nice choice of music too.
http://bit.ly/103YqJE

>> Moody Blues - Go Now Shred <<
Black Moon, best known for his video editing
skills, has taken it on himself to attempt a
'shred' where you change the audio to a
popular video to match what you think they
might be playing. A well worn path but
effective.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Moody_Blus_Go_Now_Shred

-------------------------------------------------

: GINGER FUHRER TALKS IN DUBLIN
Bottom Half of the Internet

Your esteemed newsletter editor was recently
asked to do a talk at The Story in London on
the 'Bottom Half of the Internet' - this went
down well enough for a member of the audience
to invite him to Dublin to repeat the feat. If
that's your neck of the woods then come and
say hello.
http://t.co/2wWyU6ln4C

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Funerals II

Last week we asked for more stories of funerals:
http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals2/

* CUT UP - "Mrs Spimf and I tend to be late
for most things. So it came as no surprise
some years ago when we found ourselves running
late for her Grandmother's funeral. We
bickered all the way to the church about whose
fault it was. We even hissed choice words
during the service. Then we had to get from
the church to the cemetery. Even though I had
no clue where we were going I insisted on
driving. I am a man/arsehole. This is the
natural order of things. Barreling down the
motorway Mrs Spimf muttered "you're going to
miss your exit." There was a lot of slow
traffic on the left with no gaps so like any
safe and considerate driver I simply put the
boot down to overtake the lot - only to find
the slow moving traffic was actually the
funeral cortege carrying dear old Granny. I
only realised this as I scythed across the
path of the hearse, effectively cutting up a
dead woman. Naturally we arrived first at the
cemetery, giving them plenty of opportunity to
glare at us in my highly distinctive bright
red sports car." (spimf)

* MAGIC - "My grandad was a member of the
magic circle, a certified magician. He tended
to do more children's parties than anything
Blaine-like and was well-loved and respected
for it. When he died a couple of years of ago,
my brother drove me to his cremation in
Brighton. It was pretty much the first funeral
we'd been to and the atmosphere in the car was
(as expected) quiet and sombre... right up
until my brother enquired, "Do you think
they'll saw him in half first?" We had to pull
over on the hard shoulder as we were laughing
so hard we'd have probably caused an accident
had we continued. My Grandad would have
laughed too." (UTB)

* STAR WARS - "Just watched Return Of The
Jedi. Disgusted by the distasteful scenes at
the end where everyone is celebrating the
death of Emperor Palpatine. He may have been
divisive, but he was strong and he made
decisions and stuck to them, and I think he
should get a bit of respect. He was, after
all, a little old man who died, when you
remove any other context whatsoever."
(Amorous Badger)

>> This Week - TRAVEL <<
Been somewhere nice on your hols? Fine. Good
for you. If not, tell us all about it in all
the gory detail here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/travel/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> MRI fruit <<
Magnetic resonance imaging allows doctors to
look inside bodies by cutting people into
10,000 slices but without the awkward oops
I've broken my little brother bit. But what
if people were fruit?
http://insideinsides.blogspot.co.uk/

>> Pointer video <<
Watch video whilst seeing where other viewers
are sticking their mouse. Popular now, and
might be amusing in a years time when it's
only one lonely cursor.
http://donottouch.org

>> Drawing on the sky <<
1) Look up
2) Take a picture
3) Make the sky look like a person
http://tlamadieu.wix.com/roots-art#!skyart/ck0q

>> Newspaper photobombs <<
In what hopefully isn't a viral campaign for
Metro, here's a lovely collection of commuter
heads replaced with carefully folded
newspapers.
http://bit.ly/15mJFti

>> Ronson docs <<
Here's a tip: whimsical journalist Jon Ronson
has several hours of his radio docs as MP3s on
his site. Load your phone. Go for a walk.
http://www.jonronson.com/ronsonon.html

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Youtube but with cruddy B3ta shit round it

>> Kiss from a Rose... Improved <<
There are those that think Seal's "Kiss From A
Rose" is the greatest love song ever written
and can't be improved. These people are wrong.
The impossible has been done.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beautiful_rendition_of_Seals_Kiss_from_a_Rose

>> Harrison Ford interviewed about Star Wars <<
Ford refuses to answer questions but creates
perfectly serviceable comedy. Nice clips, but
can we really get excited about Star Wars 7? A
franchise that hasn't made a good movie since
1983?
http://bit.ly/103YsRK

>> Washcloths in space <<
What happens when you wring out a flannel in
zero gravity? Fascinating but it's also clear
whilst floating about would be cool for
a bit, that gravity is bloody useful - things
not staying where they are put would get old
very quickly.
http://boingboing.net/2013/04/18/what-happens-when-you-wring-ou.html

>> I've just shipped my pants <<
It's an ad but it is funny and also we think
the ad doesn't really apply to a UK audience
so fuck it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_just_shipped_my_pants

>> Cat vs Vacuum Cleaner <<
Who would win in a fight between a cat and
vacuum cleaner? Comedy wins, that's who.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Vacuum_Cleaner

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny, mostly right angled

* Made up bollocks? Someone they really hate?
Or could this be possibly true?
http://bit.ly/178cLes

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Super Pets Challenge

Last week we wanted you to give superpowers
to pets. Your favourites included:

* JACKASS: seated gentleman showered with
jet-powered cat effluent
(orbojunglist)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10952410

* NUCLEAR: devastating blast from
skillfully positioned dog-do
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10951199

* ASSASSIN: delightful picture story from
dangerous, Pyongyang-bound pony (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10952538

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/super-powered-pets/

BONUS Challenge Result: in this week of
national mourning, don't forget our
mini-challenge devoted the the UK's first
female despot
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thatcherrip/

>> New challenge: Bankrupt Hollywood <<
Imagine a world... where all the big film
companies have their cgi and post-
production work done by B3ta for free.
Then do that work, and enter it into this
week's challenge. Suggested by
orbojunglist
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hollywood/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* TATERS GETS EXHIBITION - he writes, "If
you're one of them London folk, go to Orbital
Comics (near Leicester Square tube) over the
next month - I've got a load of pictures wot
I done in the gallery bit."
http://www.orbitalcomics.com/andrew-hickinbottom/

* NIETZCHECATS - what to do when you've run
out of Nietzsche quotes? Shardcore has, of
course, got them to read the entire text of
Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
http://nietzschecats.tumblr.com/post/47691949398/a-new-dawn

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* TEA ADS - Why can't a business give us free
cup of tea with an ad stuck on it outside the
tube instead of a rubbish right-wing newspaper?

* KILL SOMEONE WORSE THAN HITLER TIME MACHINE
DRAMA - wwe go back in time to kill Bono to
prevent U2 inspiring Coldplay. We know there's
already a filming called 'Killing Bono' but ours
would be betterer.

* SIDEBOARDS THAT DON'T FALL OFF KITCHEN WALLS
- just sharing some personal drama that
happened whilst writing this newsletter.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Cats: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Twats: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@MarkTyndall, ‏@Newnab, Paolo Nutini's Bikini,
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Chilli Heatwave,
slartifartfast, @owenblacker, legoman82,
stoodles & ccc. Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tip via
Munsta.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
A cigarette filter, a length of cotton and a
modified Barbie doll filled with red food
colouring combine to make an excellent
teaching aid for young girls entering
womanhood. A 4mm drill bit, when making the
modifications, ensures a snug fit.