This Week:
* OSCARS - 'Winners' in advance
* FEAR - The Great American Bubble
* LASERS - Laser kitten bowling
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're stockpiling
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | food and medical
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| supplies... together"
B3ta email 468DX - 25 Feb 2011
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue468/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Bummer King mug
Typing "bummer" into Amazon out of adject bordem
produces a trademark infringing Bummer King mug.
An ideal gift for the tea-drinking bummers in
your life.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004JV7NRO/b3ta-21
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Viral fails, Oscars and Protests
>> How not to do viral marketing <<
Viral marketer comes a bit of a cropper trying
to spam up the b3ta messageboard. Satisfying
drama ensues. FYI: the correct way to do this
involves writing us a cheque.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/595011
>> Oscars 2011 Highlights In Advance! <<
"Heya guys," chorus Cope&Dalton. "We made this
over the weekend. What do you reckon?" We
predict that this is considerably more
entertaining than the real event will be.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oscars_2011_Highlights_In_Advance
>> Face Protest <<
"Here's a new kind of protest site that lets you
put your face on it," jubilates ithinkanddo.
Choose your cause, upload a pic and get your
friends to join a foot-stamping online mob. You
don't even need to leave the house, so the only
kettling you'll see is when your missus makes
you a cuppa.
http://www.faceprotest.com/protest_56_97
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Wanking Disasters - Part II
More comedy gold from our favourite one-handed
typists:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bashthebishop/
* AFTERGLOW - "I travelled around Morocco with a
group of friends, including my mega crush, Mr
Hot. After a few action-less weeks of dorm
sharing, we ended up in the deepest, darkest
depths of the desert and yours truly found
herself in the happy position of having to share
a twin room with Mr Hot. When it came to
sleepy-time, we chatted a little, the chat
petered out and I assumed Mr Hot must have
drifted off to sleep. Bored, sleepless and horny
(not to mention disappointed at the absence of
steamy sex), I decided to pass the time with a
little lady wank. I was slightly bashful about
doing this with Mr Hot in the room so I made a
concealing sheet-tent with my leg, so no
movement could be detected and silently began.
I'll admit, it was surprisingly difficult to get
into it with an unsuspecting, sleeping Mr Hot so
close by and after only a short while I gave up,
only to be met with a chuckle from his side of
the room. I froze, "What's funny?" "You know,
it's actually quite light in here." I'd been
fwapping with my eyes closed, so tentatively
opened them and sure enough I could see the
outline of the wardrobe and beds. Gulp. Now, due
to my cunning tent, I was still pretty sure he
couldn't possibly have seen anything but I had
to know. I put my leg back up, re-erected the
tent and slowly, silently slid my hand south.
Looked down and... oh god. I was wearing a glow
in the dark watch that was shining like a
bastard searchlight through the sheet." (zOMG)
* COCK UP - "The first time that an ex of mine
and I got comfortable enough to watch each other
pleasing ourselves, he managed to shoot his
stuff right up my nose. It stung rather
strangely, I sort of hiccuped and it went down
the back of my nose and into my throat... I
threw up. Definitely a disaster."
(insomniac-surfer)
* COME-DOWN - "Passed out naked in front of the
computer, trousers round ankles, bottle of vodka
still on the desk, gentleman's interest video
still running on loop. Woke up in different
clothes to the ones I'd been wearing beforehand,
my dad watching over me to make sure I didn't
choke on my vomit in my sleep. Apparently I'd
been quite... explosive. We don't talk about it.
Ever." (a gun that fires other, smaller guns)
>> This Week's Question <<
Parents. Drunk. We know you've tried to wipe the
memories and failed. Share them with us instead
- you'll feel so much better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The Great American Bubble <<
We've been pondering how sites like Groupon and
the makers of Farmville can get multi-billion
dollar valuations and reached the obvious
conclusion: bubble. Businesses being overhyped
to suck cash from idiots before they crash and
burn. A quick google round revealed one of the
most extraordinary bits of journalism we've ever
read. Be very afraid, looks like we're up shit
creek.
http://goo.gl/RlWvw
>> Eerie photos <<
Creepy tourist spots created from 100s of
layered tourist photos.
http://bit.ly/gvg7CC
>> Plastic Trombones <<
Our whim purchase of the week - a plastic
trombone. It's incredibly light and would be an
ideal learning instrument for kids, as carrying
it to school wouldn't break your back. And roll
on new crazy, plastic instrument designs -
personally we want a cello with guitar tuning
and frets.
http://www.pbone.co.uk/
>> David Cameron pretending to be common <<
Although we find him these days oddly robotic,
like someone who's been given a script five
minutes before the job. "Tell them you're sorry
Dave." "Sell these missiles Dave" "Cut up the
NHS and divert all the cash to private contracts
Dave"
http://davidcameronpretendingtobecommon.tumblr.com/
>> Remember cyber sex? <<
Do people still bother with this stuff now you
can stalk people on social media and have a
better idea of the looks/gender of your prey?
But some funny examples regardless.
http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html
>> Bank vs customer. Customer wins. <<
A heartwarming tale of how a bank customer
managed to get his local branch and its assets
siezed and put up for auction because they
couldn't be bothered to fix an error & ignored
all his letters. Warning: contains goths.
http://goo.gl/VRKPZ
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but no comfy chair
* LASER KITTEN BOWLING - we once bought a laser
pen for a presentation and found (like everyone
else) the best fun is to make the cat run around
the house until they throw up. Also works on
small children.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lazer_kitty_bowling
* E.T. SEQUEL - a surprisingly well-done fake
trailer. BTW: ET was based on Steven Speilburg's
imaginary friend, an alien he invented after his
parents divorce.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/ET_Sequel_ET_X
* THE SAGA OF BIORN - elderly Viking just wants
to find a glorious death in battle so he can go
to Valhalla. Is that too much to ask?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_saga_of_Biorn
* BEATLES 'SMACK MY BITCH UP' (1965) - This
track is clearly more Lennon than McCartney.
http://goo.gl/nF1lP
* DARTH VADER PLAYS THE BULLSEYE THEME - the
dark lord of the Sith deploys another string to
his sinister bow.
http://goo.gl/5qPHz
* THE HIV SONG - Oh no, Mark's got AIDS!
Eastenders spin on the Ween classic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_HIV_Song
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Best nominative determinism ever
Introducing E-Learning bloke Graham McElearney.
Bet you he uses a Mac:
http://www.educause.edu/Community/MemDir/Profiles/GrahamMcElearney/58244
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Film Aftermath Challenge
Last week we asked what happened to the
inhabitants of films after the credits rolled.
Your favourites included:
* VACATION - in which Han, Chewie, Luke, Leia
and Yoda take a well-earned break (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10339721
* CAPTCHA - filling in forms can be tough when
you're a replicant (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10342997
* KANSAS - almost inevitably, life was never the
same for Dorothy after her amazing adventure
(Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10338732
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aftermath/
>> New challenge: Kitten Science <<
This week's challenge marks a welcome return for
Teh Fluffeh. It's Kittens doing science.
Challenge suggested by joe is troubled
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittenscience/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DELAYED EMAILS - Taylorcamb writes, "Delayed
Gmail sending and bouncing emails back in to
your mailbox to deal with later can be done with
the boomerang plugin for Firefox or Chrome."
http://boomeranggmail.com/download.html
* MUZZLE MAN - the creator of last week's
extraordinarily odd horse-fearing vid,
kingafkong writes, "Being followed by a horse
lately, I thought a trip to the stable would be
a safe place. But this day would show to be no
different from the rest of our
horse-meeting-days." This is a competition entry
and kingaf stands to win some coveted Norwegian
frozen pizza, so get appreciating!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_muzzle_man_Metaphysics
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CRAP NEWS STORIES BEFORE THEY HAPPEN - every
so often we google a journalist and find them
posting away on random boards trolling for
stories, "Hi, I'm looking for people who've had
bad experience of marijuana" etc. This could be
turned into a tech project - take all the journo
names from Journalisted and auto search them in
the web's forums.
* TAX HAVENS FOR THE POOR - make a magic
shuffle-your-money-about-through-tax-havens
banking website (automatically registering you
as a foreign business etc) that'll give
individuals the same 1% tax breaks big
businesses get.
* PLAN TO TAKE OUT THE DAILY MAIL - we were
pondering about the problem of complaining about
it only making it more famous, increasing its
revenues and came up with:
1. Start a not-for-profit and collect money
2. Crowd source spotting legal issues,
copyright, libel that they publish
3. use cash to chase DM into a legal quagmire
and eventual bankruptcy. Just a thought.
* AND FINALLY Chthonic suggests, "Having just
seen one, fat-man-in-a-mini-van.tumblr.com would
be an ace ronseal site."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MartinH, HappyToast,
igotdamaged, PokeHQ, sinisterduck, shooms,
planearm, m4tt_thomasgiagia, @rob_sheridan,
Godwin's Lawyer & tacpprm. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjline via
@alexjblandford.
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TOP TIP:
Make ants think they're in New Zealand by
putting them on top of a big stereo speaker and
turning the bass up to 11. (A Vagabond)
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