This Week:
* VEITCH - sings 'Bagger 288'
* QUESTION - are you turning into your parents?
* CHALLENGE - Happy Birthday David Icke
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sifting the
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B3ta electronic e-mail 376 - 1 May 2009
Scoff this issue with cake:
http://b3ta.
Hugs: b3ta-subscribe@
Loneliness: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
State of Play DVD - £3.98
At this very moment, cinemagoers are being
wowed by Russell Crowe in State of Play, but we
prefer the original BBC series on which it was
based. It's dirt cheap too - less than £4 - and
well worth it if you've already ground your way
through the 60hrs of The Wire.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Romania, Robots, Scooby Doo & Gravy
>> Romanian compilation album harvest <<
Paint My Album takes us on a documentary journey
to the stony fields of Romania, where poor
peasant farmers pray for the rains and for a
bountiful crop of Now That's What I Call Music.
http://snurl.
>> Bagger 288 <<
At 13,500 tons, the Bagger 288 is the world's
most massive tracked vehicle. It's a titanic,
spiky, metal behemoth of doom and Joel loves it
very much.
http://www.rathergo
>> New Scooby Doo theme <<
Friz has written a new theme tune for Scooby
Doo, undeterred by the fact they already have
one. His enthusiasm is infectious.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Public Sex
We wanted your outdoor fumblings and squelchy
bits. Chart Cat "came" first with a worrying
tale of squirting all over a cinema full of
kiddies:
http://b3ta.
Here are three classy shorties for you:
* TAKE CONDOMS - "After a particularly heavy
night out, my drunken staggering home took me
through a small park. Having trouble putting
one foot in front of the other I decided to
stop on a park bench and have a smoke. After
lighting up I become aware of some rustling in
the bushes behind me followed by some giggling
and snorting. After a short pause there was a
loud, "Fook, I don't have any rubbers wif me."
"No bother," came the giggly reply, "I'm already
pregnant. But don't worry, it's not yours."
(The Grammar Badger)
* TAKE WIPES - "To be honest, I hate outdoors
sex. It's always rushed, scary, cold, uncomfortable
and there are never any tissues for post coital
clean-up. There's nothing quite like the sight
of your girlfriend squatting in the bushes
ineffectively wiping her twat with an ATM receipt
to put you off sex for life."
(Colonel Dracula)
* TAKE CARE - "Thirteen year old boys! When
riding your bike alone through the woods and
you get an unexpected hard on: DO NOT try to
have a crafty one off the wrist while still
riding. You'll go wobbly and crash into a tree."
(scarpe)
>> This Week's Question <<
When did you realise you were turning into your
parents? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Google Maps typography <<
This bloke has been perusing Google Maps to
find landscape features and buildings in his
state that look like letters. We demand a font
based on this. It could replace Gill Sans in MS
Office 2010.
http://rhettdashwoo
>> 8 Bit Radio <<
Nerdy online radio station with a playlist
based on old-school computer beats.
http://www.8bitfm.
>> Meat Cards <<
Why bother with dull, inedible business cards,
when you can have your contact details etched
into a slab of dried jerky? With a freaking
laser.
http://www.meatcard
>> Do you have swine fever? <<
It seems to be the craze that's sweeping the
nation. Here's two sites sure to reassure/panic
you.
http://doihavepigfl
http://doihaveswine
>> cc Jacqui Smith <<
This week, why not include the Home Secretary
in all your email correspondence? The idea is
to show your displeasure at the Government's
intended monitoring of all communications
traffic. But who knows, maybe you'll make a new
friend...
http://www.ccjacqui
>> Maths-based comedy <<
Jokes in the form of equations; a bit like
those Venn diagram gags that were doing the
rounds a wee while ago. But with maths.
http://www.morenewm
>> Beautiful stats <<
American consumption statistics rendered as
lovely, lovely artworks. It's only when you
zoom right in that you see it's all made of fag
packets, Barbie dolls and similar crap.
http://www.chrisjor
>> Whole chicken in a can <<
Looks just as good as it sounds. We can only
imagine how it tastes.
http://snurl.
SEE ALSO: Pork brains in milk:
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a "magic DVD" that you could download
>> Slap chop rap <<
Infomercial meets Auto Tune. The result is a
perky, breakbeat song to kitchen convenience.
CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP.
http://snurl.
>> 90 mins of car crashes <<
It's been said that most people watch motor
sport in the hope of seeing something go wrong.
If so, feast your eyes on this - an unrelenting
hour and a half of rally drivers spectacularly
misjudging corners.
http://snurl.
>> Midget rom-com <<
Nothing says quirky romance like worrying your
unborn child will have a disability. Trailer
for an inexplicable 2003 romantic comedy,
starring Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConaughey
and Gary Oldman.
http://www.youtube.
>> Real-life Twitter <<
Blokey takes his tweets out on the streets; ie.
loudly announcing his every trivial thought, to
general bemusement from people in earshot.
http://www.collegeh
>> Bull in a china shop <<
Well, to be more accurate, bull in a
supermarket. But close enough.
http://tinyurl.
>> Bendy 50s dancing <<
Stick with it past the first minute and this
kitschy musical number turns into something
spectacularly odd. Do these women even have
spines?
http://www.youtube.
>> Bigfoot caught on tape!! <<
Some really amazing footage here.
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Hidden message
* BOYS WEE - Suspicious programming on the Sky
listings menu, caught by vigilant b3tard
blackarmadillo.
http://snurl.
* MAJOR DICKIE HEAD - Can't imagine he'd ever
get teased about that name, what with being in
the army and all.
http://news.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Police Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop the
Police to show how lovely they are.
Your favourites included:
* GRAN - because we'll all be old ladies one
day (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
* STEREOTYPES - whose side would you rather be
on? (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
* BURGER - the Mac/PC debate rages on (Friz)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: David Icke <<
It's David Icke's birthday this week, so what
better gift than a whole seven days dedicated
to his crackpot conspiracy ramblings? Just who
IS ruling the world, and what do they plan to
do with it? Open up Photoshop and show us the
wonderful world of David Icke. Challenge
suggested by The Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPIDER GLOVES - we asked for spiders made
from gloves and we got them. Emvee writes, "my
sister made a glove spider for the newsletter,
though I'm now thinking maybe I should offer it
to the bank in exchange for my overdraft...
http://snurl.
* COOKING CUCUMBERS - lbucket13 says,
"According to my mother, there is a traditional
Chinese recipe that involves stir-frying
cucumbers and eggs together. Having tasted this
a few times, I must say that cucumbers should
never never never ever be cooked, but if one
tries to complain to my mother, she will
huffily tell you that this recipe is
traditional and the cucumbers MUST be cooked.
She is normally a wonderful cook and most
everything she makes is scarfed down in
seconds, but this dish is so awful that
everyone just eats the egg and leaves the
cucumber to stew in its own disgusting
mushiness."
* CAL HENDERSON LEAVES FLICKR - Cal, the coding
genius who co-founded B3ta then lead the
programming on Flickr is apparently up to new
and very exciting things. Good luck Cal!
http://snurl.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Rotatspin
Reductionism is a great way to bring a new
twist to an old idea. Traditional platform
games require you to move about and jump to
avoid the obstacles, but in Rotatspin, the
moving is done for you and you just need to
time when to jump. Brilliant.
http://armorgames.
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BEANS: PAN vs MICROWAVE? - MrTrent asks, "I
remember some time ago some clever sod did
science to determine if it was cheaper to make
a cup of tea using a kettle or boiling the
water in a pan. Maybe you could ask someone to
similarly determine if it's cheaper to heat up
a tin of beans in a pan or in the microwave?"
Also you might want to consider the carbon
footprint of burning gas on a hob vs the
production of electricity.
* BALANCE CHALLENGE - Sometimes, when bored, we
like to balance books on our head and attempt
to walk across the room. Maybe our more
athletic readers could try a marathon with a
pork pie on their head?
* DIY SCISSORS - can you fashion your own
scissors by riveting two kitchen knives
together? Maybe you can. We don't know, that's
why we're asking.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
------------
Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@
------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by El Guiri,
Grouch76, TOther_Simon, codepo8, salad,
sheepeatingtaz, burntbroccoli, arepeejee,
gronkpan, Alexandra Hume Humphreys,
TimWallington, littleghoti, liencam, Rev. Jesse.
Top Tippery by dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan...
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad.
------------
TOP TIP:
Bulk buy all your buns from the supermarket and
freeze them.
When it comes to making your sandwiches, the
butter will spread easier without tearing the
bread.
Come lunchtime at work, the bread will be
defrosted but still lovely and chilled.
------------
SICKIPEDIA:
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection
now that doctors have disabled his pop-up
blocker.
http://www.sickiped
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