This Week:
* ART - Abu Hamza coat hook
* VEITCH - Has 10,000 cocks
* VIDEOS - Newsletter team do 10 songs (!?)
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B3ta email 346 - 19 Sept 2008
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hoaxes, sellotape, cocktopede and claymation
>> Lazy journo caught out <<
Sneaky godspants craftily edited the Wikipedia
page for AC Omonia just before a game with Man
City. Timed nicely so the Mirror's pre-match
report included the 'fact' that the club's
fans wear hats made from shoes. Wah. If you
can't trust Wikipedia 100% where can you go
for truth?
http://www.b3ta.
>> Wrapping food in sellotape <<
Brave investigator Mark Lorraine tests whether
sticky back plastic is a good way to preserve
a packed lunch. To cut a long story short, it
doesn't phase people that much when you pull
out a tapey sandwich, but it takes a fuck of a
long time to unwrap it.
http://marklorraine
>> The cocktopede <<
Butters does the visual honours, while Joel
and the gang extol the wonders of a creature
with one hundred cocks but no hands or feet.
http://rathergood.
>> JibJab songs <<
Rob and Dave have been labouring hard for
weeks with plasticine and scissors to craft
these animations and songs about birthdays,
thank-yous and apologies. If nothing else, you
have to check out Rob's stab at ginger calypso.
http://www.robmanue
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Social Networking Gaffes
Last week we wanted to know your worst mistakes
using social networking sites:
http://b3ta.
* TRANNYBO - "I'm more of the email generation,
but my mates pestered me to join Bebo. So I join
and hunt for people that I know. A few days
later I thought I'd look for some cousins and my
sister. I find a cousin, and I find my sister.
Now my sister is called Jo, and my cousin is
called Joe. They have the same surnames as my
cousin is from the paternal side. So I click on
the Jo and it is someone else. Not my sister.
Fine. Then I click on the Joe and find my sister's
face on the page. My brain didn't process it for
a minute, until I looked at the picture again.
It was my sister, but she was wearing a suit
and tie and some sort of wig. How very odd I
think - must be some sort of fancy dress thing.
Student japery. I request that we be friends and
leave it at that. I also send a text message to
her jokingly referring to her as Joe. Five
minutes later I get a phone call from my
hysterical, weeping sister begging me not to
tell our parents. "Please don't tell them I want
to be a man!" ... Christmas 2007 was interesting.
(powervator)
* TRANNYBOOK - "Last time I visited my folks
I needed to check my emails, so I excused myself
and went to use their computer. They'd left it
on with the browser open on their last viewed
page. I went to shut down the page, but you know
when you're skimming through a magazine and
something jumps out and grabs you attention?
Well it was like that. Kind of. Except the words
that jumped out were "Horny Transvestite" and
"a girl just wants to have fun". Turns out, old
father dearest had been masquerading as a
transsexual on the internet and even posted
photographs of himself in drag. Now it was bad
enough seeing my mum in her undies when I was 6,
but fucking horrific seeing my dad in her undies
15 years later. According to him it was just a
bit of fun. Then it dawned on me somebody must
have taken the photos as he was unable to set
the timer on the camera. And that, dear readers,
is how I found out my parents are swingers. God
bless social fucking networking."
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman)
* NANNYBOOK - "Don't let your nan join facebook.
Whilst my nan is quite an internet savvy lady:
she's mastered email to keep in touch with us
from Spain, books holidays online and no longer
calls out the IT engineer when MSN pops up. Alas
she was keen to join in facebook after some
cousins mentioned all the photos on there. The
next time said cousins visited, they allowed
the most retarded one (honestly, it's like
letting a donkey wear a dress) set up a profile
for dear old nan. Her name is Mrs Cox. What did
retard set her up as? NANNY COCKS. Imagine
logging into your email and seeing that, 'Nanny
Cocks has requested to be your friend.' Worse,
her profile had been left wide open to everyone
(interesting and congratulatory wall postings
abounded) and she wouldn't give up the password
for us to change it in case we, 'changed her
letters and emails.' My brother went out to
Spain in August and thankfully she is now no
longer a Cock Nan." (Fizzylegs)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your tales of food sabotage. Revenge
is sweet. Or is it really, really salty? One of
the two. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Abu Hamza coat hook <<
Funny old designer ponces - now you can
combine your love for comedy cleric Hamza with
your desire not to lose the car keys.
Marvellous!
http://www.b3ta.
>> The Wisdom of Herds settles arguments <<
At least that is the idea behind this site
where warring couples post their version of a
row and allow the wisdom of nerds to decide
who's right. It's like a Web 2.0 Jeremy Kyle
show.
http://www.sidetake
>> Terrible 9/11 art <<
We're all still feeling the fallout of the
tragic events of 11th September 2001. But
amongst the worst is the massive proliferation
of mawkishly sentimental 'tribute' art. Crying
eagle - need we say more?
http://snipurl.
>> World's longest personal ad <<
Man seeks wife. But she must know her place.
About a thousand terms and conditions follow.
http://snipurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Betamax lols for the over 30s
>> Stealthy cat <<
Cute little kitty sneaking up on the camera.
Every time you look away and then back she's a
little closer, without seeming to have moved.
Bit like that episode of Doctor Who with the
evil statues.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Internet porn and you <<
Animated documentary explaining the place of
internet porn in the average, everyday life.
The wheedling little laptop is great -
"But there's always time for internet porn!"
http://current.
>> Sticky note experiment <<
The blokes behind the coke and mentos stuff
make amazing technicolour fountains and
waterfalls using only Post-It notes. Wonderful
- makes you sick with jealousy at their talent.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Guys make out behind reporter <<
Two blokes arsing around behind the back of an
unsuspecting financial reporter, slightly
undercutting the gravitas of the piece.
http://www.youtube.
>> The Star Trek A-Team <<
If the title doesn't get you clicking then
nothing we can write will. Still, we liked
this peculiar opening sequence of the A Team,
as played by members of the Enterprise. B.A.
Baracus is a little unlikely, mind...
http://www.b3ta.
>> "I Fucked Your Mum <<
Not the cleverest Katy Perry parody. But we
liked it.
http://www.youtube.
>> Memes for DJs <<
For your remix convenience, a big wodge of
internet memes sampled in one place to
download. See if you can guess them all
without cheating and looking at the list.
http://jamiedubs.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Penis special!
"I have made a thing for B3ta", proudly writes
Mr Gear, "It is a short photo-project
investigating the origins of the CDC
(crudely-drawn cock) from Roman times."
http://snipurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Thom Yorke Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to give Thom
Yorke a makeover.
Your favourites included:
* 3D - pay attention: this beautifully rendered
image took more than three days to create
(taters)
http://www.b3ta.
* ASCII - whereas this probably took about ten
seconds, but is no less lovely (Ttssatsr)
http://www.b3ta.
* PARANOID ANDROID - Yorkie as done by H.R.
Giger (ManekiNeko)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Emoticons 2.0 <<
It's 2008, and we need new animated emoticons
to express feelings other than lol.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* NOT SO INNOCENT GOOGLE IMAGE QUERIES - last
week we asked you for inoffensive words than
produced porn.
http://images.
http://images.
http://images.
http://images.
http://images.
BTW: stuartianmacpherson also mentions, "you
can determine a male friends gayness by typing
their name into google images and counting the
number of pages before you see a cock."
* CAL SPEAKS - long term b3tans will remember
Cal Henderson, the chap who coded most of our
site before relocating in San Francisco to work
on Flickr. Miss him? Then listen to his,
actually rather amusing, take on the
shortcomings of a currently-fashionab
programming framework called Django. WARNING:
This is hardcore geek-only chat, which is
possibly why we loved it.
http://snipurl.
* KITTEN FACTS - Pyrotyger shouts, "Regarding
the Pussy vs. Printer vid: it's a she, not a
he. All tortoise-shell cats have two
X-chromosomes (selective X-activation of
different patches of skin in a developing
embryo is the cause) and so are almost all
female. I'm not a vicious pedant, I just
thought it was the sort of random trivia that
would interest you."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHICH IS GAYER? "Gay Apple" is 19m Google
results, whilst "Gay Microsoft" gets 16m
results. Hence Apple is gayer than Microsoft.
Fact. Write an application which tests the
comparative gayness of everything. With
pie-charts for extra win.
* CAMDEN LOCK FAN EDIT - we've noticed the
canal bridge in Camden in loads of videos -
including this recent Microsoft advert. Can
someone round all these shots up and run them
together? It would make us happy.
http://snurl.
* SCRAMBLED SNAKE EGG - might be tasty, might
be rank. Can you test it and find out?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by adam-b3ta,
fatboyginge james.almond coolchick365ca
the_lord_virulent and YOUR FUCKING MUM.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sublol via nordelius.
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TOP TIP:
When roasting potatoes for your Sunday
lunch/dinner, before putting them in the oven,
cover each one with a light coating of olive
oil. This will bring a nice crispy texture to
your roast spud. What's your opinion?
http://www.b3ta.
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SICKIPEDIA:
"I'm a 14 year-old girl looking for a 45-55
year-old man for online webcam fun. Email me:
operationlolita@
http://www.sickiped
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