Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: Vol 596 - June 6, 2007

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com

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Strange "Mark Twain" Quotes:

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.

Stand prosperity. Let out next to nothing if you want to thrive a whole lifetime.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.

First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.

Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard.

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Forget and forgive - let others toil at that too.

It's more trouble to make others toil than you think.

It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

Forget and forgive. ... you are to forget inconvenient duties, and forgive yourself for forgetting. In time, by rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy.

Golf [may be] a good walk spoiled.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething. [Mark Twain]

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange 'New Rules'

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a&&. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky b**tards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Submitted by Kaspars

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Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Donnerstag, 7. Juni 2007

Vol 596 - June 6, 2007 - Strange 'New Rules'

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