Vol 676 - March 12, 2008 - Letters of Recommendation Phrases

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

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==================================

Strange Quotes:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against
a wall. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Letters of Recommendation Phrases

Letters Of Recommendation Phrases

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? - Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE "MOBILE" PHONE? PHONE BOOTH ON THE MOVE! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135601.html

STRANGE 'OLD' GAS STATIONS & GAS PUMPS - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135259.html

STRANGE BUS ADVERTISING - CANDY BAR - JUST ONE BITE - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135806.html

STRANGE NIGHT SKYSCRAPER TETRIS - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135812.html

MINI MUD RACING - GO-KART - LAWNMOWER STYLE! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135839.html

'COOL' FORD FOCUS - MADE FROM SOLID ICE! - 1 - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135843.html

COOL KOALA BEAR FAMILY - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/135844.html

STRANGE ALBINO SQUIRREL - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135846.html

OLDE PIX - MARK TWAIN & DOROTHY QUICK - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135879.html

OLDE MINI SKIRT STEWARDESSES - BACK WHEN FLYING WAS FUN! - LAX - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135880.html

AMAZING TWSTERS AND TORNADOS! - 5 - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135917.html

STRANGE ROAD - CUT RIGHT THROUGH THE CLIFF SIDE! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135922.html

RODEO DANGERS - BULL RIDING COWBOY HITS THE GROUND - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135923.html

STRANGE DOLL - SUPER SKINNY ! - NOW THAT'S A GREAT EXAMPLE! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135924.html

STRANGE BICYCLE - NOW HOW DOES THAT WORK????? - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135927.html

CIVIL WAR - FT. SUMTER - CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - CANNON ON WALL - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135943.html

INTERNATIONAL PICTURE OF THE YEAR - MARINE HONOR GUARD MOVE MILITARY COFFIN FROM AIRLINER - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/136006.html

SCARY ALIGATOR ATTACK - THAT WAS CLOSE! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/136009.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SP - COPS AT WORK - Action - Arrests - Issuing Tickets - Resting ?

http://www.strangepolice.com/content/category/100378_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

The Strange Demographics of American Newspapers - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135963.html

"Girl" At School Was 39-Year-Old Man - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/136002.html

Irishman Wonders Why He Lost the Job to an American - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/136005.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SP - COPS AT WORK - Action - Arrests - Issuing Tickets - Resting ?

http://www.strangepolice.com/content/category/112_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

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Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

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Vol 675 - March 09, 2008 - Dictionary For Women

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "Funny" quotes:

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." - Paula Poundstone

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." - Steven Wright

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor." - Joan Rivers

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" - Lily Tomlin

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

TOW TRUCK OVERKILL - REPO KIDS TOY CAR? - COULD HAVE USED A SMALLER TRUCK! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135592.html

STRANGE 'OLD' GAS STATIONS & GAS PUMPS - SHELL - A CLASSIC! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135261.html

WORLD'S SMALLEST GUN - 2 INCHES LONG! - 1 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135753.html

ILLEGAL ALIEN COUNTERFEIT DRIVERS LICENSE - MORON OF THE WEEK WINNER! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135755.html

AMAZING BUDDHIST MONKS CREATE HUGE SAND ART DISPLAY - 14 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135787.html

PROOF OF ALIEN VISITORS? - HUGE BOOTPRINTS THRU NEIGHBORHOOD - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135801.html

PREGNANT TIME LAPSE - BELLY BIGGER & BIGGER - BABY! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135809.html

STRANGE BUBBLE GUM BLOWING TALENT! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135810.html

HOT AIR BALLOON PROBLEM - FOLDED OVER A HUGE BILLBOARD! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135816.html

STRANGE CELEBS WHO LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR MOMS! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135760.html

STRANGE TV NEWS WEATHERGIRL - FULL BURKA! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135818.html

STRANGE "T-REX' THREE WHEEL VEHICLE - 1 - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135822.html

WORLD CUP - SHY SPORTS FAN - HUGE "SHOW ME ON TV" SIGN - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135824.html

THE GOOD LIFE - FATHER AND SON ENJOYING SPORTS TOGETHER! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135826.html

SENIOR TRIP - SHARING AMONG THE ELDERLY! GRAMPS ON HER LAP! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135827.html

STRANGE 'PIMPED' STRETCH MINI LIMO - 1 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135833.html

STRANGE BUBBLE - IT'S HUGE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135834.html

STRANGE AUTO ACCIDENT - CAR HITS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135835.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - HEAVY EQUIPMENT - COMMERCIAL BUILDINGS - CRANES - HUGE COMMERCIAL VEHICLES

http://www.strangedangers.com/content/category/100233_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Man Caught In Office Bathroom With Blow-Up Doll - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/135521.html

Teacher Finds That Little Mary Didn't Do Her Homework ! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135756.html

New Chemical Element Found! - Governmentium (Gv) - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135758.html

Irate British Citizen's Note to the Morons at the Passport Ministry - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135840.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - HEAVY EQUIPMENT - COMMERCIAL BUILDINGS - CRANES - HUGE COMMERCIAL VEHICLES

http://www.strangedangers.com/content/category/119_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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[b3ta] "Here are the results to your AIDS test"

This Week:
* HUMAN ZOO - Oldest swinger in town
* CHALLENGE - Make newspaper comics FUNNY
* QUESTION - How nerdy are YOU?

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Every time you
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | masturbate, a U.S
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Marine kills a puppy"

B3ta email 318 - 07 Mar 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue318/

Colin Norris: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Old People: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
We've Found Maddie!

Maddie Murdoch that is – and BA, Face and
Hannibal. We've got the coolest men's &
ladies A-Team t-shirts. You can even hire
our A-Team van!
http://www.truffleshuffle.co.uk/

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Ewan McShitter, Irish jigs & fucking ringtones

>> "I wish my wife was a horse" <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer and his pet lol turnip
Dave have been hard at work cutting up
bits of paper and writing songs. This
week it's all about Prince Charles and
his equine lusts.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-11197

>> Jamsack Ringtones <<
Irked beyond measure by those annoying mobile
phone ringtone ads, Ornsack has knocked up this
mocking response. We really like the format -
it's an excuse to bang out rapidfire jokes for
as long as you like.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jamsack_Ringtones

>> Davidoff meets Trainspotting <<
Beau Bo d'Or finds inspiration in Ewan
McGregor's humongously cheesy recent
aftershave commercial. He's right - the
soundtrack fits extremely well with an iconic
scene from Trainspotting.
http://snipurl.com/ewan-mcgregor

>> Irish music montage <<
"I made this for Paddy's Day," claims
jonholland and we see no reason to disbelieve
him. It's a video montage of him plucking out
single notes made into an Irish jig kind of
thing - very jolly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRmPNI6Ec6s

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Have you seen a dead body?

Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

Last week we asked if you'd ever seen a dead
body? All too many of you have:
http://b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/

To cheer you up, here's yes_slash_no's handy
tips on dissecting bodies:

* YOU LOOK LIKE FOOD - Muscles: bits of tuna.
Chest cavity: smells oddly of lamb. At least
we're not as bad as the vet students who nick
off with bits of cow for supper.

* FORMALIN DOES NOT SMELL GOOD - It does not
smell good in the dissecting room. It does not
smell good on the crowded tube home. It does
not smell good after you've showered for half
an hour and used an entire bottle of Satsuma
Bodywash.

* LUNGS CAN EXPLODE - When removing the top of
the ribcage, if it really isn't coming off,
giving it a good yank is not an approved
technique and may result in fragments of lung
landing in your hair.

* IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME - Not quite, but
nearly. If it's yellow and slightly hard it's
fat. If it's reddish pink and striated it's
probably muscle. If it's red and squishy, it
could be anything. If it's red and stringy,
erm, a vein or a nerve. Or an arteriole. Or a
ligament. Or just a strand of muscle. Something
like that.

* IT'S REALLY BORING - You'd think it all taboo
and forbidden, especially with the Catholic
Church forbidding it for like a bajillion
years, but in fact dissection is kind of dull.
It turns out that people are in fact more
interesting alive. Even old people.

* ACCEPT YOUR MISTAKES - If, say, you
accidentally cut off the belly button and you
really weren't meant to, and it needs to be
attached so you can use it to reference the
location of everything else you see... just
live with the fact that you screwed up. DO NOT
TRY TO REATTACH IT WITH GLUE. This is
important. You will only make everything worse.

>> This Week's Question <<
How nerdy are you? Yes, we are honouring the
death of Gary Gygax by revelling in our
collective nerdiness. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Conspiracy Friday <<
Anyone who's been to a party containing under
30s in the last five years will have met some
intense bloke banging on about how 9/11 was an
inside job and we should all download the Loose
Change video, to SEE THE TRUTH. Amusing parody
here, involving, err, trains.
http://loosetrains911.blogspot.com/

>> Trippy photos <<
HDR photography allows several levels of
exposure in the same photo - so that the bright
bits are as visible as the shadows. You can do
this yourself by combining several pictures in
photoshop, or by using specialist equipment.
Whichever method you choose, and we're looking
forward to trying out this ourselves, the
results can be absolutely stunning.
http://abduzeedo.com/20-beautiful-hdr-pictures?=main

>> Write an album in a month <<
Our friend MJ Hibbett recently flagged up the
Fawm site, mentioning he was joining their
challenge to write 14 songs in one month.
Sadly we didn't have time to check it out
whilst the compo was on, but in the last week
all we've been doing is listening to this
fantastic outpouring of creativity. Our only
criticism, is that there isn't a March
challenge that we could join in on.
http://fawm.org/

>> Garfield minus Garfield <<
We've covered Garfield edits before, including
one where they removed the cat's speech bubbles
to give the impression that Jon - the owner -
was just some mad rambling cat man. The latest
revision of this meme is to remove Garfield
completely, making Jon look, quite frankly,
like a paranoid schizophrenic. BTW: We've
enjoyed this so much that this week's challenge
has taken a similar theme: make newspaper
cartoons funny.
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

>> Bad photoshop <<
Not all users of photoshop are as clever as the
B3tards, some people (instead of sticking cocks
on kittens) have to touch up celebrity photos
for promotional crap. And sometimes they are
completely cack-handed at their jobs, so look
and learn from their terrible mistakes.
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/

>> New ways to be paranoid volume 12 <<
Web dickheads like us are emotionally obsessed
with stats, many a webtard has found himself in
therapy going, "but my new piece of genius only
got 40 hits." So it's alarming to know you can
now find how many people have seen each page on
Wikipedia each month. E.g. 5487 webmongs looked
up B3ta in Feb, whilst only 3003 people
bothered looking up Channel 4 newsreader John
Snow. Which is a WIN for us, although we're
much less popular than Fred West or Harold
Shipman. The limelight-stealing cunts.
http://stats.grok.se/

>> Shittest flash game ever <<
We could describe this, but it would spoil the
joke, so instead, here's a joke that's (for
once) suitable for kids: What do Mexicans keep
under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fun_little_flash_game:2

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby monkeys

"OMG cutez0r!1!" shouts Shiodome, "I've been
pimping your newsletter to my partner's parents
purely on the strength of 'things that make you
go ahhhh" cuteness. (it's generally safe to
let them browse through the other vile puerile
filth, as they're in Tokyo and their English is
crap). They've been asking for more cuteness
and sent me this to remind me there's untapped
cuteness reserves still out there." Um, to
shoot ourselves in the foot, they do know about
cuteoverload.com don't they?
http://snipurl.com/babymonkeys

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: LEAVE THE PC ALONE AND GO TO A GIG
Jonathan Coulton plays Dingwalls

We've just had an email from a PR company.
Normally, we stick this stuff in the bin, but
we recognised the name and read it. Jonathan
Coulton, the blokey who wrote the fantastic
song at the end of Portal is playing a gig
in Camden, London on Thursday 20th March.
Tickets cost £15 and are available via clicking
around on his site. Although, assuming the PR
person (hello Annie Day) is good to her word,
your newsletter team are going for FREE. Ha! We
knew there was a good reason for starting this
damn site.
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

>> Kids' music remastered <<
Entertaining spoof advert for an album of
nursery rhyme covers by bands that parents
prefer. Also contains an excellent Guns'n'Roses
McDonalds jingle which, frankly, Maccy D's
could do worse than actually use - beggars
can't be choosers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_to_the_jungle:2

>> Michael Jackson's big white glove <<
Even more odd than you'd initially assume. The
erstwhile prince of pop sings Billy Jean
wearing an enormous, clown-like glove. This is
just one of a bunch of arty-farty things made
by nerds fixated on Jacko's idiosyncratic dress
sense in the original video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_white_glove_experiment

>> Cat 'of a Thousand Faces' <<
Singularly unimpressed feline barely tolerates
owners' attempts to alter his appearance for
comic effect. Admit it - cats have a repertoire
of just three faces: 'bored', 'wants something'
and 'batshit crazy'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_of_1000_Faces

-------------------------------------------------

: HUMAN ZOO
Dirty old man

Calling all TV producers - the race is on -
who's going to pitch a documentary about this
man to BBC3 or Channel5 first? Meet Uncle
Dirty, a cock-obsessed octogenarian, who makes
home-made porn, frightens people on the beach in
his padded thong, and sticks penises onto his
favourite magazines. Lovely.
http://lovebryan.com/features/uncledirty.php

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the New Logos Challenge

Last week we wanted to update corporate
logos.

Your favourites included:

* PAL - a walk down memory lane as we revisit
the petfood format wars (Haku)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8109278

* BACARDI - rebranding to appeal to the
nation's binge-drinking teenagers (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8111795

* JELLO - bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun
fun fun fun (onephilosophy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8113706

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/

>> New challenge: Newspaper Comics <<
Let's face it, Garfield, Andy Capp and
Marmaduke are all crap. You can do better,
right? Challenge suggested by BubaMan.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* HITLER SALARIES - As we probably should have
mentioned in the write up to that crap careers
website last week, it pretty much works for any
word you care to put in. Thanks to the many
people who pointed out how well-paid you are if
you're a cunt:
http://www.indeed.com/salary?q1=cunt

* MR BEAN BANK NOTE - We erroneously claimed
that it was from Indonesia. In fact, it is a
note from the Philippines, says Filipina
LynISGanda. "It is a Philippine 5-peso note,
now defunct and replaced by a coin version,"
she continues. Doh.

* OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - It was one of our
'things we want to see next week' and b3tard
Alex has only gone and shelled out for the
domain. "It was all your fault, I'm the highly
suggestible type!" he cries. Now he's after
people sending him business cards from defunct
companies for him to scan in.
http://www.outofbusinesscards.com

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* STRING A GUITAR WITH RUBBER BANDS - might
work, something to fill a dull Sunday with
anyway.

* RAMPANT INFLATION - Pumping up a bike inner
tube, can you make it burst? What about a car
tyre? Could make some nice little videos - it
would be quite tense and exciting, waiting for
everything to blow.

* A LEATHERMAN FOR LADIES - with a tweezers,
mascara brush, eye-liner pencil etc. Call it a
Leathergirl. Quids in.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ed boucher and, oh,
loads of other people. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. 4dam crowned Miss World for his
subjectlinelols, with second prize of
Mastheadlol to Manic.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
At self-service tills put everything through as
loose potatoes. 500g of potatoes weighs the
same as 500g of muffins, but costs a lot less.
(digital observations )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
How does it change many dyslexics to take a
light-bulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 674 - March 06, 2008 - Being Irish Means.......

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

The Perfect Gift! Rated #1 by Strange Cosmos...

Check it out!!! Give the gift of laughter to your friends! Order by phone or online ..

http://www.psychyourselfskinny.com/

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "I'm Not Very Bright" Quotes

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. - Marshall McLuhan

I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler

I have nothing intelligent to say. - Meg Tilly, when approached by a TV reporter asking questions on her way into the 1997 Oscar ceremonies.

I am not denying anything I did not say. -Brian Mulrooney

I really didn't say everything I said. - Yogi Berra

I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people. - Keanu Reeves

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave. -Burt Reynolds

I'm no actor, and I have sixty-four pictures to prove it. - Victor Mature

Of all the things I've ever lost I miss my mind the most. - Steven Tyler

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Being Irish Means.......

* you will never play professional basketball

* you swear very well

* at least one of your cousins holds political office

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you have never hit your head on the ceiling

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you're strangely poetic after a few beers

* you're poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason...a lot

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* someone in your family is incredibly cheap

* it is more than likely you

* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing

* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking

* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"

* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in

talent, you make up for in frequency

* there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party

* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"

* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"

* if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"

* you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room and last but not least... Being Irish means...

* your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

Submitted by Kaspars

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE 3-D ART WORK - THE LADDER! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135600.html

STRANGE EUROPEAN JAIL / PRISON - JUSTIZZENTRUM LOEBEN - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135615.html

STRANGE PURPLE CUSTOM CAR - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135624.html

HEARSE WITH A FLAT TIRE - HOW TO BE LATE FOR YOUR OWN FUNERAL! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135638.html

EMILY'S STRANGE "DIVORCE ANNOUNCEMENT" TO STEVEN! - BILLBOARD - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135640.html

STRANGE UTILITY POLE / LAMP ADVERTISING - GIRAFFE - COOL ZOO AD CAMPAIGN - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/135641.html

AMAZING RUSSIAN "EGG" ART - 1 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135158.html

STRANGE 'OLD' GAS STATIONS & GAS PUMPS - ESSO - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135257.html

WWI - 1915 - FORT DOUAUMONT BATTLE OF VERDUN - BEFORE AND AFTER PIXS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135663.html

HELICOPTER CRASH - HANGS OFF NAVY SHIP LANDING PLATFORM - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135696.html

STRANGE CHINESE ARMY TRAINING - CLEAVER TO THE NECK - STONE SLAB ON THE BACK! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135698.html

AUSTRALIAN SHARK GRABS RED SNAPPER - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135705.html

STRANGE "FIND THE 10 TIGERS" OPTICAL ILLUSION - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135743.html

STRANGE "HIGH RISE" TRAILER PARK! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135744.html

STRANGE PHENOMENON "RAINBOW SHROUDED HUMAN SHAPED IMAGE" APPEARS IN CHINA MOUNTAIN MIST - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135745.html

STRANGE BUMPER STICKERS FOR SENIORS - OLD PEOPLE - GEEZERS! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135746.html

WHITEWATER KAYAKING FUN? - LOOK AT THEIR FACES! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135747.html

INCREDIBLE NIGHT SHOT - ATOMIC BOMB EXPLOSION - BIKINI ATOLL - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135748.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - FARM FUN - Farm Fields - Tractors - Barns - Animals

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/100296_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Man Says He Bit Into Burger, Found Condom - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135519.html

A "Short" Fairy Tale - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135652.html

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get it Like Puerto Rico and Germany Did - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135742.html

Strange Uses For 'Bounce" Dryer Sheets - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/108809.html

Strange New Word Definitions - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/110783.html

15 Great Ways To Get Revenge... - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/110286.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - FARM FUN - Farm Fields - Tractors - Barns - Animals

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/112_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

The Perfect Gift! Rated #1 by Strange Cosmos...

Check it out!!! Give the gift of laughter to your friends! Order by phone or online.

http://www.psychyourselfskinny.com/

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 673 - March 02, 2008 - Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

The Perfect Gift! Rated #1 by Strange Cosmos...

Check it out!!! Give the gift of laughter to your friends! Order by phone or online ..

http://www.psychyourselfskinny.com/

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Quotes About Sports:

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that." - Bill Shankly, In Sunday Times (UK) Oct. 4 1981

"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead." - Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996)

"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." - George F. Will (1941 - )

"Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like." - Phyllis Diller

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas

S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

THE LOST FINE ART OF GUN ENGRAVING - SMILE! SPECIAL GLOCK - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135528.html

JOCELYN WILDENSTEIN - SCARIEST PLASTIC SURGERY CELEB! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135536.html

EVOLUTION OF AUTOMOBILE LOGOS - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135561.html

STRANGE RUSSIAN BALLERINA'S - DIVING INTO A FROZEN LAKE! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135571.html

CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS GONE BAD - CIGARETTES AND NUN ALL TIED UP! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135565.html

POLICE MUG SHOT - NASTY BLONDE - WITH ATTITUDE! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135566.html

OLDE DUELING PISTOLS - MATCHED SET - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135567.html

F-15 - TAKING OFF - GOING VERTICAL! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135574.html

STRANGE MONKEY FACE - BIG EARS! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/135585.html

STRANGE CROSS COUNTRY RUNNER - JUST LIKE JESUS! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135590.html

STRANGE STEAM POWERED 'CENTIPEDE' TRAIN! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135593.html

STRANGE URINALS - CHOOSE BY SIZE INDICATED - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135598.html

BATTLESHIP - 16 INCH GUNS SALVO - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135387.html

STRANGE BRIDGES AROUND THE WORLD - AMAZING! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135420.html

NEVER TAKE AN EPEE TO A GUN FIGHT! - FENCING! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135524.html

MOMMA GIRAFFE GIVES BABY A KISS! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/134985.html

HOW MUCH DOES A DOUBLEWIDE WEIGH? TOO MUCH FOR THIS RURAL BRIDGE! - 2 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135025.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - WATER - SALT-WATER - Oceans - Fish - Sharks - Whales - Dolphins - Walrus

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100670_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Lonely Man Buys a Pet - a Centipede! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135532.html

Man Puts Out Fire With Aunt's XL Undies - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135517.html

Woman in Wheelchair Decapitated By Fire Truck - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135518.html

Wordsmithing Fun - The Mensa Invitational! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135651.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SZ - WATER - SALT-WATER - Oceans - Fish - Sharks - Whales - Dolphins - Walrus

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/125_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

The Perfect Gift! Rated #1 by Strange Cosmos...

Check it out!!! Give the gift of laughter to your friends! Order by phone or online.

http://www.psychyourselfskinny.com/

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "YOUR INBOX IS A JERSEY CARE HOME AND WE'RE THE POLICE"

This Week:
* FOOD - Eggnog pancakes
* QUIZ - Guess my crime
* LOLS - Things white people like

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The font used by Durex
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on most of their
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| marketing is 'FF Cocon'"

B3ta email 317 - 29 Feb 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue317/

Harry: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
William: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
GPS ART

Do you want to be an artist, but don't have the
balls? Meet Stavros, he's got enough for both
of you.
http://tinyurl.com/2n9olo

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eggnog, Cake, Shopping and Tea

>> Eggnog pancakes <<
"I wasted a recent Sunday afternoon making
myself sick", proudly boasts Mr M, "I wondered
if it's possible to fry eggnog, so I decided to
put it to the test." And the result? "The
eggnog pancakes were almost tasty, but a bit
sickly." Points awarded for the comment "it
tastes like burnt" and appetising photos that
could grace the Observer Food Monthly - give
this man his own cooking show.
http://snipurl.com/dont-egg-him-on

>> Joel's internet fatty video <<
Mr Veitch is serving a musical meal to B3tards,
progressing from singing about Hover Bacon, to
a lyrical dessert entitled "I like cake."
Having actually dined with Joel on many
occasions, we know this is a lie, as he usually
chooses a meat dessert. Really. We've seen him
eat a main course of ham followed by more ham
for afters. And when people ask for coffee,
Joel asks the waiter for extra ham.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cake:3

>> Jonti vs Mike Skinner <<
For reasons best known to himself, Picking has
morphed into a northern version of The Streets.
If you enjoyed his first Late Night Shopping
trip then give this a go.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Late+Night+Shopping+2/

>> 2 Boys 1 Cup <<
A very British answer to that most famous of
internet movies, 2 Girls 1 Cup. The overacting
amuses us so props to RichJohnston for that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Boys_1_Cup_and_SFW

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Instant Karma

Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and complete horse shit into one handy place on
the interweb.

Last week we asked you you explain your
thoughts about the Hindu concept of Karma. Next
week we're doing The Mysterious Pastimes of
Mohini-murti.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/karma/

* COLD TURKEY - 'One Christmas I was
investigating the fridge when I discovered a
huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap
the rewards of my find, when my sister walked
into the kitchen. "You shouldn't eat that", she
said flatly. "Oh really!?" I asked, "and why
not exactly, will you tell?" I then performed a
dance around the kitchen table clutching the
bowl, while I sang "will you tell, will you
tell, WILL YOU TELL????" At the climax of this
performance I scooped an enormous handful of
the stuff into my mouth, which turned out to be
translucent wobbly chicken fat.' (browser)

* GIMME SOME TRUTH - "I work with a man who is
utterly abhorrent. He's an arrogant American
chap who, at Christmas, rammed his version of
festivity down the entire office's neck. This
included lots of tinsel, a singing nativity set
and an advent calendar that he guarded WITH HIS
LIFE. So, one of the guys ate the largest
chocolate (designated for Christmas Eve) and
left a note (link below) in its place. I'm not
sure it's strictly karma, but it was fucking
awesome." (Fictional Emma)
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5083/spa0148ys0.jpg

* GIVE PEACE A CHANCE - "I'm a firm beliver in
Karma. So much so that when bad or unfair
things happen to me for no reason, I go out and
kick a child in the face, just to balance
things out." (FerretTrout)

>> Have you ever seen a dead body? <<
This week we're asking about cadavers, corpses
and stiffs, so it should be super-lols all
round.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Guess my crime <<
Entertaining name-and-shame-based website. You
get the mugshots - how good are you at judging
people's inner criminal? The weird thing about
this is how unrelentingly cheerful they all are.
http://guessmycrime.blogspot.com/

>> Celebrity money <<
Apparently this is a current craze in the UK -
folding over banknotes and matching them up to
people's pictures to create half-man,
half-Queen monstrosities. Actually, some of
these ones look quite convincing. Who would
have thought the Mr Bean look was so popular in
Indonesia?
http://snipurl.com/notable-people

>> Stuff White People Like <<
Tongue-in-cheek outsider's guide to dealing
with whites. We particularly like the bit about
recycling. "The best advice is that if you plan
to deal with white people on regular basis
either start recycling or purchase a large blue
bin so that they can believe they are
recycling."
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

>> World's worst science fair projects <<
It's like a Fat Chicks in Party Hats where the
afflicted write their own mocking captions.
Poor kids. But: "Crystal Meth. Friend or Foe?"
Heh.
http://snipurl.com/sciencetwats

>> The Man Who Thought He Was Bill Murray <<
Peculiar, short, stick-figure animation about a
clearly deluded man. It does that robot-voice
thing that we hate so much. But just towards
the end something rather odd happens and we had
to watch it all over again.
http://whereisthemoon.com/words/15

>> Hitlers earn decent money <<
We were mildly tickled to see that this
employment website is clearly doing a little
recruitment work for a Fourth Reich. Hope the
medical plan is good.
http://www.indeed.com/salary?q1=hitler&l1=

>> Bacon cups <<
Not getting enough mileage out of your bacon?
Looking for a special new way to drink
champagne? Bacon cups are the answer and you'll
find your instructions here:
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2008/02/27/bacon-cups/

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
This week, lamenting the loss of Stage6

>> Paper Animation <<
Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have spent
the last month cutting up bits of paper for a
new project called Mr Pitchy, we can't show you
yet, but we're dreadfully excited by it. Hence,
we're now mildly obsessed with paper-based
animation, including this marvellous technique
expressed here:
http://www.javanivey.com/my_paper_mind.html

>> "Hello Sophie, would you like some air?" <<
Bizarre film of someone pumping compressed air
into a dog's face. Ms Doggie can feel the force
but can't see a thing and literally attacks
thin air. 10 lols out of 10.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/162708

>> Argument to Beethoven's 5th <<
Lovely bit of old B&W film showing a married
couple arguing, every accusatory thrust of the
finger timed to a jab of an orchestra. An idea
so strong and well-executed it completely
transcends the stiff hair and clothes of period
detail.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Argument_to_Beethovens_5th

>> Hai Karate <<
It's all in the build up - our old English
teacher would have called it bathos, but we
call it OUCH!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Best_Karate_punch_EVAR

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Nonce Paolini! FFS! Nonce!

Cynthiakennedy writes, "I give you the top
commercial broadcaster in France, TF1 CEO Nonce
Paolini. Can you imagine what it must be like
when he goes through passport control in the
UK?"
http://www.bouygues.fr/us/fiches/cv_noncepaolini.html

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Moustache Challenge

Last week we wanted you to celebrate the humble
lip fringe.

Your favourites included:

* ISLAND - a worthy winner for its cunning use
of landscape (mictoboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080618

* YMCA - Lord Kitchener, updated for the disco
era (strontium190)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8081721

* MONEY - striking fiscal development of the
celebrated 'sleeveface' meme (Spunky McPunk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8097541

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/

>> New challenge: New Logos For Old <<
These days when a company fucks up there's no
need to apologise, just get in some graphic
designers and re-brand. We at B3ta are generous
to a fault, and rather than see these companies
spend millions, we'd like you to come up with
new, better logos that sum up the companies you
love to hate.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* BEER-BARREL R2 D2 - b3tard Amoebaboy has been
crafting a beautiful, antique-style droid. Now
he's thinking about getting rid of it, with
quite a few cash offers coming in. Or maybe a
raffle. Anyway, check it out - it's lovely:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080326

* STICKS AND BALLS - In our gleeful rush to
write up the golfing double-entendre film last
week we neglected to mention that it was an
entry for the Straight8 competition. It's a
method of making films without editing and the
annual competition can be found at:
http://www.straight8.net

* LOW-FI JURASSIC PARK - Another b3tard riffing
off the Be Kind Rewind meme. Ornsack's
'dinosaur' special effects are particularly
amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Park_Sweded

* WANKOMETER - Last week we pondered the
results of attaching a pedometer to your wrist
when indulging in self-love. "My wrist
apparently travelled 1.4km during one session,
and I burnt a measly 56 calories," confesses
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed. "I was about 15 at
the time."

* SLEEPING RABBIT IS DEAD! - Our cute section
last week was subject to a cruel hoax, claims
b3tard The Troubleshooter. It was actually
footage of a rabbit having a heart attack,
reversed to give the illusion that it had
awoken from a deep sleep. He has take the
trouble to re-reverse the tape by means of
illustration. Hmm. Not sure which side of the
fence we should come down on that one. It's a
little disturbing, for sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7I9nCx1iQk

* MORE INTERESTING GUARDIAN BLOG - Rather than
giving the blog to that gap year guy that
everybody hated, "Why not try the bloke off the
news a few weeks back who was walking to India
with no money?" asks harry kumquat. True
enough, especially as the scheme seems fraught
with peril. No money? No money at all? Christ.
BREAKING NEWS: he's given up because, not
speaking a word of French, he was unable to
convince them he wasn't a vagrant. Oh dear.
http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/pilgrim.php#52

* MONEY TEA - "I really wouldn't recommend it.
Ever," warns nowhere elysium. "There's an
alarming tendency with old people to stuff
money into their mattress, as opposed to
putting it into a bank account.

"Imagine the scene: Doris has been putting
aside random tens and twenties for 'a rainy
day'. Of course, these go into/under the
mattress, because it's an incredibly safe
place, apparently.

"Now, Doris, being old, does the likely thing,
and dies in her sleep. Poor Doris. Of course,
being a bit of a shut-in, Doris isn't
discovered for some time. So, her bed has not
only become a death bed, it's had a dead person
on it for a few days/weeks/whatever. What do
dead people do when unsupervised (Mark
Dixie-alikes aside)? They rot. And seep. And
leak.

"All manner of horrible dead person juices seep
over the notes which they have cunningly
secreted in their bed.

"Note: I haven't made this up. I used to know
someone who had worked for the Bank of England,
and this is a depressingly common occurrence,
I'm told. That, plus the huge amount of drugs
that are snorted using notes, you can kind of
imagine that they get a bit minging after, ooh,
five seconds?"

That's us told.

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Ball thingie

In what is probably our favourite flash game
since Kebabtris, comes 'Filler' which defies
description but if it was available on our
mobile phone we'd never get off the bus.
http://www.freegamesnews.com/en/games/2008/Filler.html

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something awesome and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - an online art
exhibition of the business cards failed web
companies.

* PHONE RING/VIBRATE BATTERY TEST - Agent Muu
writes, "As I am drunk I wonder... what takes
more energy for a cell phone; to vibrate or to
ring? Surely the energy needed to rotate the
little thingy that makes it vibrate takes
more... torque, or something. I don't know.
Maybe someone does?"

* A CAMPAIGN AGAINST SERVIETTES - forget all
this stuff about too many plastic bags, why is
it whenever we buy a sandwich, about six
napkins are doled out with it?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
thelivinggrahambond, Dr-Mx, a username,
collapsibletank, Veovis, We are the lemon and
Don_Elliot. Geeky font facts from gaijintendo_.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Subjectlinelols via mutster101.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Athletes! Draw attention away from the fact
that you've taken steroids by running really
slowly.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
What's long and hard and makes women groan? An
ironing board.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 672 - Feb 27, 2008 - Strange Guide to Real Estate Terms

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

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Quotes of the Day -

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." - Covert Bailey

"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people." - Jim Eason

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." - Carrie Snow

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind." - Ziggy (Tom Wilson)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."- Rita Rudner

"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry."- John Lennon (1940 - 1980)

"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." --Ronald Reagan

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Guide to Real Estate Terms

To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.

Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse.

Hi-Tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

Daring Design - Still a warehouse.

Completely Updated - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

One-Of-A-Kind - Ugly as sin.

Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

Upper Bracket - If you have to ask . . .

You'll Love It - No, you won't.

Must See To Believe - An absolutely accurate statement.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

CUTE LITTLE CHIPMUNK WITH A FLOWER FOR YOU! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/135342.html

COOL BUS STOP ADVERTISING - ORDER A BURGER! - McDONALD'S! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135374.html

MAN TAKING A BREAK WITH HIS ELEPHANT PAL! SAY AHHHHH! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135378.html

STRANGE 'POKE'MON' COMMERCIAL AIRPLANE! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/135382.html

WHAT MORON TAKES HIS LEXUS ICE FISHING? - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/135395.html

GREAT VIEW FROM AERIAL TRAM - SNAKEY WINDING ROAD - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/135399.html

STRANGE PLACE FOR A TREE - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD & DRIVEWAY! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135400.html

STRANGE BILLBOARD - HUGE RAZOR "SHAVES" GRASS! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135403.html

STRANGE LUXURY YACHT - WALLY 118 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135419.html

STRANGE ANIMATION - HOW THE WORLD WORKS! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135423.html

STRANGE OFFICE PRANKS - EVEN BARBIE DOLLS PULL THEM - XEROX - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135436.html

STRANGE "SERPENT HEADED" FOUNTAIN - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135437.html

AMAZING WALL CLOUD - LIGHTNING STRIKE! - STORM COMING! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/135439.html

NASTY STORM ROLLING IN - GET READY! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/135522.html

STORM COMING! - WALL CLOUD - LIGHTNING - RAIN DOWNPOUR - RAINBOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135523.html

BIRDSEYE VIEW OF SHUTTLE VAUNCH - AMAZING! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/135526.html

THE STRANGE OFFSPRING OF A DONKEY AND ZEBRA! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/135525.html

CHAIR THRU MERCEDES WINDSHIELD - REVENGE WHEN GIRLFRIEND CATCHES HIM CHEATING! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/135527.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - OPTICAL ILLUSIONS - PUZZLES - STRANGE ITEMS

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/100303_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Ex-Homecoming Queen Beats Sister With Fake Leg In Trailer - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135514.html

Bride Dies In Husband's Arms During First Dance - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/135515.html

Husband Finds Wife In Brothel Job - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/135516.html

Man In India Marries Dog As Atonement - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/135520.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - OPTICAL ILLUSIONS - PUZZLES - STRANGE ITEMS

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/113_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

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