This Week: * ANIM - Social Media Giant Squid * DIY - Horrible Home-Made Sex Doll * VID - Fat Little Squirrel Says Hello ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Marco?" ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| B3ta email 615 - 17 Jan 2014 Eat this newsletter and shit it out: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue615 xxx : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com xxxx : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Everything I know about teaching by Michael Gove Settle in, this ought to be good... http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1492912417/b3ta-21 >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Giant squids, Doorstops and Apprentice >> Somegreybloke on the Giant Squid Menace etc << The grey-hued everynerd skewers the greatest monsters of social media. Troublingly accurate. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123120 >> "My dog has a preoccupation with doorstops" << Extra marks to BaronMunchausen for naming a dog after Iggy Pop. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doorstop >> Apprentice face-mixing << Add Piers Morgan's eyes to Alan Sugar's nose, what do you get? Anything you like - he doesn't have Donald Trump's ears yet! Good stuff, from earlyshakespeare. http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/apprentice.html ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M CORNER Interactive stuff made by 'sister' project * Who is your inner rock god? - Sex, drugs, or just rock 'n' lols? Our quiz will match you with a music legend. http://games.usvsth3m.com/who-is-your-inner-rock-god/ * We'll show you some British homes. All you have to do is work out: is the price higher or lower? http://games.usvsth3m.com/play-your-house-prices-right/ * The Parental Advisory Movie Quiz - Can you identify the film from the Parental Advice warnings given by the IMDb? http://games.usvsth3m.com/parental-advisory-movie-quiz ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK "That escalated quickly..." Last week we asked for stories of situations that had got out of control: http://b3ta.com/questions/thatescalatedquickly/ * SLIGHT - "No situation escalates quicker than a spoiled child not getting what he wants, and this young chap had everything: SKY TV, a remote control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but a SNES AND a Gameboy. But one day, in the space of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life of mockery. "He was found in the middle of the playground crying his eyes out with multiple teachers restraining him from bashing his mother with a broken tree branch. What had set him off on this violent escapade? It was Red Nose Day. His mum had come to school at lunch to give him his red nose. "Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new colour changing ones. Instead it was an ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any rational young child he decided that this was a crime that could only be punished by violent stick-based matricide." (danishbacon) * FLIGHT - "The lifts in the Natwest tower were pretty fast. They use to escalate pretty quickly. When I was working as a despatch rider we used to like a job to the Nat West Tower. If you timed it right going down, you could jump in the air and sort of float back to the floor. Sort of. One of the guys I worked with did it three times on the way down, and then puked in front of the other horrified occupants of the lift." (username failed moderation) * FIGHT - "A small town in Suffolk. Karl and I had been out drinking all night and were stumbling through the streets in search of food, when we bumped into his younger sister insulting a rather chavvy acquaintance of hers. "We were therefore in the perfect position to observe when thirty of his mates and forty of hers rounded opposing corners and decided to settle the matter with fists. "We sat on a bench for a minute or so and observed the running battle that had erupted from nowhere - literally within seconds - before I made what was possibly the most laconic 999 call ever. "'Yeah, there's a fight by the church. About seventy. Weapons? Nah, can't see any but I heard glass smashing a moment ago. Oh, there it is again, listen *holds up phone in direction of the fight*.' Within seconds five police cars, a police landrover, two police vans and an ambulance rolled up. Took all of them to break it up too." (MatJ) >> This Week - BAD SMELLS << Guffs, trumps, farts, botty burps and panty poots. And that tramp you hid in the shed. Which is smellier?: http://b3ta.com/questions/smells/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Guy makes home-made sex doll << Predictably horrific results. Nice balloon tits though. >> Amusingly-titled novel by the author of Tarzan << Is this really real? Well, no. But it is funny. >> Artist makes beautiful paintings with MS Excel << You will click, you will look, you will go "fucking hell, is that really Microsoft Excel??" It is Microsoft Excel. >> "My week on the Butterfield Diet" << If you don't know what the Butterfield Diet is, you should immediately rush to YouTube and watch the clip. The premise is this: starve yourself for a week and then, for a single day, gorge yourself stupid. Does it work? ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> The Steadi-Cam Spoon << Innovative design for Parkinson's sufferers - the end stays steady, despite hand tremors. There are probably useful wanking applications too. http://www.liftlabsdesign.com/#prettyPhoto/0/ >> Baby meets dad's twin for the first time << It's all so confusing! http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122672 >> Tesla Coils Play Inspector Gadget << Fun fact: Nikolai Tesla invented Inspector Gadget 30 years before Edison thought of it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123063 >> Devil Baby prank << Put an evil-looking fake baby in a push-chair, leave it to spring up and startle inquisitive passersby. Kind of funny, but also punishing people for looking out for an abandoned baby. Eh. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Devil_Baby_prank >> New Muppet movie trailer << Loving the Muppets' take on internet comment reviews - also, it has Tina Fey who we love longtime. It... it might be a good film. http://www.b3ta.com/links/_:110 >> Hello I am a fat little squirrel << Non-stop adorable chat from the chubby little rodent. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122294 >> Firestarter video no music << Somehow creepier with just damp dripping down the walls and Keith muttering. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123130 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER What a cunt This guy definitely sounds like a character from Game of Thrones. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Food Flim Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate gastronomic cinema Your favourites included: * TOLKIEN: midget humanoid thwarts meme-bound, croissant-gobbling foe (ferret) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11049164 * DINNER: leather-faced woodcutter uses skills for Greek mince classic (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044440 * CHEDDAR: hippy motorcyclists straddle cheese machines for road trip (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044675 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/foodfilms/ >> New challenge: Zero Gravity << This week's celestial challenge is to make jokes in space: try Photoshops of weightless things, or how about some clever photography? (suggested by HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zero-gravity/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A schedule for this newsletter. * Seriously. We had plans tonight. * Also, kittens or some shit. Send contributions via the mail form. BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- xxxxx: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com xxxxxx: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Mann, spellingmistakescostlives, simbosan, Q4nobody, HappyToast, jonofthesouth, robneymcplum, miltonlives, dirtyscarab, Firkinfedup, Tab Hunter, Leemondus. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Pret A Manger coffee cup sleeves make ideal Blake's 7 style bracelets for the science-fiction fan on a tight budget. "Polo!"
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