This Week: * TV THEMES - Played live * YOUR THEME - Of your life * 2001 - Behind the scenes ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Beans" __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| B3ta email 626 - 4 Apr 2014 Eat this newsletter with fava beans: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue626 Up : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Not up : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Russ Abbot - Tea Towel 100% Cotton" "I love it!!!!! For years Ive searched for the perfect item to compliment my Les Dennis ovengloves and Dustin Gee kitchen roll holder and now Ive found this!!!! Im in light entertainment heaven :-D" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007M8L23W/b3ta-21 >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> TV themes are actually played live << "You know them TV tunes off the telly," burbles an excited ScintillateRich. "Turns out they are played live!" This is lovely stuff - particularly like the mounting tension as the time approaches. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1157363 >> Piers Morgan says goodbye to America with a bang << "I think it's a bit of an unsuccessful martyrdom," opines smearballs. "But the NRA will be happy he's gone." http://www.b3ta.com/links/1158059 >> Using a leek as a stylus << "My trip to Asda is always improved by doing this," offers stevierar. Has us wondering if it's possible to operate a smartphone with a spring onion. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1157693 >> Good jobs for flashers << "I've been messing around making gifs," scribbles feelwelcome, who has been coming up with ways to rehabilitate flashers. Job idea #1, airport greeter. http://goodjobsforflashers.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M STUFF * What's The Theme Tune Of Your Life? - It's the song that was #1 on your 14th birthday. http://games.usvsth3m.com/the-theme-tune-of-your-life/ * How Fast Is Your Brain? - Can you answer the comprehension questions correctly as you're forced to read faster & faster? http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-fast-is-your-brain/ * Brian's Brain presents WROD - Are these words spelled correctly? The pressure is on! http://games.usvsth3m.com/wrod/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Petty Officials Last week we asked about your encounters with idiotic officialdom. UK police wanting to stop someone for not buying anything top the replies: http://b3ta.com/questions/pettyofficials/ Here are three more international idiots: * AMERICA - "5am call from our London office: 'We have a dangerously ill crew member on a ship 150 miles offshore from you. Get him ashore and into a hospital!' Not a normal part of my job, but after a few phone calls the crew member was flown directly to the roof of a hospital. Where he was declared dead. Since he was dying, the man had neglected to bring his passport - a reckless oversight as US Immigration determined that, since he was declared dead after landing, he must have entered the US alive and would have to have his passport stamped before the body could be released. His passport was on its way to North Africa. Even though we got the diplomats involved, Immigration would not budge. It took three weeks to get it to Immigration and release his body." (LangdaleBeck) * FRANCE - "A friend organised a 'clean up our parks' initiative to round up a bunch of people and spend the afternoon putting all the rubbish they found in bags and disposing of it safely. She contacted the local town hall who informed her that she'd need a permit for more than 20 people. A permit cost money, needless to say. "She'd also need her own insurance in case she or any of her friends damaged the site; her gut reaction was, 'We're going to pick up rubbish; what the fuck are we supposed to be damaging? Are you afraid we'll step on a blade of grass and condemn it to a slow and painful death?' In the end, the town hall staff dragged their feet so much in giving her the permit that she had to push back the date of the event by a fortnight, after applying four months in advance." (Ghettoblaster Yetin) * AUSTRALIA - "My neighbour moved from Belgium to Australia. He had played football for his town in Belgium: when he got to Australia he also wanted to play for his local club there. Before they allowed him to play he had to get a document from Belgium to prove that he had not played at an international level, had received no pay for playing, and therefore was not a threat to the Aussie football world. "This document had to be translated by an official translator and delivered to the Aussie Football Association. All of this took several months. My neighbour was 8 years old." (Smale) >> This Week - BIGGEST OPPORTUNITY I'VE BLOWN << Tell us about your big break, and how you messed it up. Or make a sex-thing joke: http://b3ta.com/questions/blownopportunities/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Behind the scenes of 2001: A Space Odyssey << Fascinating glimpse of Stanley Kubrick at work. "I still think they should have gone with the working title '2001: Leonard Rossiter In Space'" opines b3tan jonofthesouth. >> Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses << First put together by someone calling themselves the Walthamstow Tourist Board, this is a lovely bit of work. Much, much better done than it really had to be. http://imgur.com/a/wFiGa?gallery#vNQ3btR >> Those TFL etiquette posters made more honest << Directly calling someone a twat is far more effective than whimsical poetry. >> How many are left of your first car? << Put in your first car (or any you like really) and see how many are still going. "I'm a slightly older b3tan than most," confesses Blackdogmanguitar, "So my first car was a MK5 Cortina 2.0 GL. Apparently there are still 143 on the road." ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> GRAVITY - Alternate scene << This slightly different early scene would http://www.b3ta.com/links/GRAVITY_Alternate_scene >> The Wolf Of Buzzfeed << 15 Reasons You'll Never Believe What This Video Is Saying About Buzzfeed! Very nicely done Wolf of Wall Street parody. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Wolf_Of_Buzzfeed >> Bucket loads of cunt! << Weather forecaster predicts "bucketloads of cunt". Our best guess: a co-worker was mouthing the word at him as he struggled with the autoqueue. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bucket_loads_of_cunt:2 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * Chinese pancakes sold separately from a duck. You just can't get 'em. * Baby dolphins - they are the new kittens, only without any paws or fur. * A lovely sunset, full of Sahara sand. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Yey: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Nay: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CH88, and UltimateMonkey. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: How to find your mum's DJ name: 1. Take your mum's maiden name 2. Add the initials DJ to the beginning.
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