This Week:
* HEADLINES - Something about kittens! Lol!
* MORE STUFF - Probably a question thing
* EVEN MORE - Maybe comedy rude vegetable. Rofl.
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________ ____ __ ___ "We stayed up all night
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | watching the election
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | and forgot to write the
__/____/____
B3ta e-fax 427 - 7 May 2010
The same newsletter again in a new window:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than pressing ctrl R and typing sol.exe
>> Just had a wank? <<
"Record your strokes here!", writes Punked, "As
taken from one of the Newsletter ideas some
while ago (sorry if it's bindun)."
http://www.justwank
>> Election debate rap battle <<
Dan Bull writes, "In a bid to appeal to the
younger electorate, the leaders of the three
main parties have agreed to a fourth televised
debate, in the form of a rap battle.†(To be
honest now the election is over this is a bit
out of date but we enjoyed the item so in it
goes.)
http://www.b3ta.
>> Vote Your Own Adventure <<
How does a Choose Your Own Adventure book play
out if each decision is voted on by everyone who
has ever played it? Only Monkeon knows the
answer - and you if you click.
http://www.monkeon.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Arch-nemesis
Last week we asked if you had someone who just
wouldn't go away and leave you alone. And how
you dealt with the situation. Luckily, none of
you have done a Danny Dyer and we won't have to
write a lame press release about "production
errors":
http://b3ta.
* DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION - "I used to have a
fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work.
On public transport accompanied by the symphony
of white noise squirted forth from the mobile
phones of various little oiks. If I had my
headphones and charged my iPod, it was fine,
but there were many days when my life was near
ruined for a good half-hour stretch. It became
clear to me that I was going to have to strike
back at the heart of the problem. Not by getting
angry, oh no, but by a much stealthier method.
I pretended to enjoy the music one of them was
playing. I looked over, giving little appreciative
nods if he caught my eye. He looked away quickly,
but the fear was clearly setting in, I was
beginning to turn the tide, and claim back my
train. His mild homophobia alone wasn't switching
the music off, so the nuclear option was called
for: I stood up, crossed the carriage, and began
what can only be described as a 'dance', to his
music. Now, I am on the wobbly side of portly,
and my dancing skill is (to put it politely) not
too high, but where I was lacking in these areas,
I made up for in brute enthusiasm and pelvic
thrusting. I launched my ample frame around that
carriage like I was trying to dislodge a troublesome
ferret from inside my trousers. These moves were
accompanied by that 'special' facial gesture. Eyes
scrunched closed, head back, a delicate bite of
the lower lip - nothing but sheer, orgasmic,
animal pleasure. Oddly, he seemed to decide fairly
soon after that he didn't really want to listen
to music any more. Check. Mate."
(Serotonicity)
* SUPER POTATO - "There's a guy at work, Dan,
who was trying to lose weight, but still
wanted to have a jacket potato a few times
a week. Instead of cheese and beans, he'd
just have beans, but the guy who works in
the sandwich shop kept getting this wrong,
giving him both cheese and beans. So Dan
decided to be extra clear about it. 'Look,
mate, you keep giving me cheese AND beans
and I just want beans. Just beans. Alright?'
'Yeah, yeah, no problem mate. Just beans...'
Back at the office, and sure enough, there's
a nice big pile of grated cheese on top of
the beans. Next day, and he checks it in the
shop, "Well this has cheese in it..." Another
potato is served up. Again, he checks it.
Again, there's a great big pile of cheese.
I'm not quite sure how I'd deal with the
situation, and I can understand that it was
extremely frustrating, but throwing the potato
at the guy and then dragging him over the
counter whilst screaming 'NO CHEESE MOTHERFUCKER!
NO CHEESE!' didn't go down too well, and Dan
now does his own jacket potato and beans in
the office microwave." (SnowyTheRabbit)
* FINISH HIM! - "For two years at school, before
he got expelled a bigger, older kid called Mark
bullied me relentlessly. Culminating in one
dinner break where he and his mates trapped
me at the bottom of a staircase (they locked
the doors) and stood on the floor above hawking
green phlegm at me and kicking the crap out of
me if I tried to get past them and escape. This
went on for the best part of an hour. Some years
later, after he'd been kicked out for being a
thickie thug, he was in the local paper having
jumped out of a window after being interrupted
during a burglary. He'd landed on wrought iron
railings, perforating his bowel because one of
the spikes went up his arse. I couldn't have
imagined a better comeuppance if I'd tried."
(shinyscalp)
>> This Week's Question <<
Breasts. Like our ill-fated "Penis" question,
but there's two of them. Oh dear:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Flickr trannies <<
PJ writes, "Flickr Explore lets you browse a
map of the world and see the best that the
world's photographers have to offer. Why is it
that when you look at the map of the UK, so
many pictures of really really bad trannies
show up?"
http://www.flickr.
>> Rent the Spaced flat <<
Three bedroom flat - approx £600 per month per
person and comedy geeks outside taking photos
and giggling every weekend.
http://snurl.
>> Gives me hope ...<<
"Have you ever featured givesmehope?
Mike Fishcake, "It's the exact opposite of fuck
my life and is absolutely lovely to read if
you're a big soft sentimental sap. Like me."
And if you're very mean and nasty like us, you
can say "fuck my life" at the end of each story
and it becomes quite a different site
altogether.
http://www.givesmeh
>> Apple dating site <<
So you're an Apple fanboy and the only woman
you'd like to meet also shares your geek
obsession for Steve Job's finest bits of future
landfill? Then hop on board because this dating
site is for you. Actually not a bad idea as
Apple stuff is rather expensive so it's a
subtle way of saying to women, "the blokes are
geeks but at least they're not deadbeat geeks."
http://cupidtino.
>> Meowmania <<
Click the cat and it meows. Compelling in a
slightly frightening way. We await the youtube
video of using this to freak out a kitten.
http://meowmania.
>> If Mario was designed now... <<
Christ it would be full of bullshit.
http://snurl.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
How about a beatboxing dog?
Actually you might not go aah but those in the
remix communities might have found a phat new
beat for their wicked super mash ups.
http://www.youtube.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Written with one liners coz fuck, we're late
* SADDEST FILM EVER - Cat paws dead cat chum.
http://www.youtube.
* DREADFULLY CLEVER AD - that took us a second
watch to grasp it.
http://www.b3ta.
* WEIRD CRYING MAN - also worth watching is the
autotune version:
http://www.b3ta.
* OVER HANDED GUITAR PLAYING WOMAN - like a
slide guitar technique but without the slide bit.
http://www.liveleak
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny as in shit
This week's entry comes from someone calling
himself SpunkyMcSpunkbubble
the children, "those with kettles shouldn't
throw stones at blacks", anyway, he says, "The
festival organiser's maybe one for funny name
corner." And you know what? He's correct.
http://snurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the James Bond Challenge
Last week we wanted you to film James
Bond on the cheap
Your favourites included:
* SOCIAL - if no-one will finance a film, you
can at least storyboard the plot via Facebook
(Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.
* KILL - grim news for Bond as his license
expires (yanmania...
http://www.b3ta.
* JAWS - 007's most fearsome foe crops up in
classic meme (Seaman Gabber)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Ross Kemp <<
Former soap star Ross Kemp is probably
the UK's toughest man, whether he's
winning the war in Afghanistan or saving
the Amazon rainforest. Photoshop him,
and his lovely bald head:
http://www.b3ta.
BONUS ELECTION BIT - drbroon writes, "I made a
compilation of stuff made by b3tans for
the election compos. NSFW because of some
swears in the musics. Thanks and well
done to the image-makers, I had a lot of
chuckles making this."
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* RATHERGOOD ADVERTISING FOR MICROSOFT? - Jason
Grayson saw this in the Metro and we did ask
Joel about it and didn't get an email back and
can't be arsed to chase it now.
http://moby.
* B3TAN MP GETS 84 VOTES - let's hope next time
we get Proportional Representation and we can
bump that up to several thousand votes to get
some true geeks represented in our shitty
parliament.
http://snurl.
* CONGRATULATIONS TO DAVE AND SIAN - Dave
co-writes the B3ta newsletter and recently
married his now-wife Sian at London Zoo.
You'll like the photos.
http://snurl.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Hue shift
Our colour vision is a bit dodgy in the old red
/ green area and that means we never try very
hard on games that require careful observation
of hue. Basically we're saying this game is
racist and oppressing us. Thanks JamesG for
making us feel bad.
http://www.kongrega
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SetecAstronomy, Tom
O'Bedlam, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Jemimah
Knight, Mike Fishcake. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke.
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My friend and her girlfriend just gave me a
lovely TAG Heuer for my birthday. Guess they
misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
http://www.sickiped
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