This Week:
* VIDS - Have a Hibbetty Christmas!
* PUNS - Are mightier than the swede
* NEIGHBOUR HATE - Passive Aggressive WiFi
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B3ta dog egg 408 - 11 Dec 2009
Reap what you sow puny human:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sonisphere festival
Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Motley Crue, Alice
Cooper, Iggy and the Stooges, Slayer, The Cult
and Anthrax are all going to rock Knebworth
from Friday the 30th of July to Sunday the 1st
of August 2010. Get your tickets before they
sell out. C'mon. FUCKING Rammstein, man! They'll
probably paint themselves blue and everything.
http://uk.sonispher
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of stuff that will make your pee-pee hard
>> MJ Hibbett does Xmas <<
MJ asked people to send him videos telling him
what they wanted for Christmas. "I had SO may
clips sent in," writes MJ, "I ended up having
to make two; one for the ladies, one for the
gentlemen." The results are utterly charming,
like slightly shonky Boots ads made by a
Morrissey fan. Give this man a multi-million
pound contract to change the face of Christmas
advertising forever.
http://www.mjhibbet
>> Call for content: pun based gags <<
"I luv puns," confesses Andrew Magurran, "So I
made a pun-based web utopia. Thing is, I need
more puns. Please tell everyone to give me more
puns. More puns. Puns." We know all about puns
at B3ta HQ. The Ginger Fuhrer suffers from a
unique brand of Tourettes that forces the
afflicted to spew a constant tide of puns. e.g.
Let's start a band called The Sax Pistols!
Pun's not dead you know.
http://www.punderla
>> The Web for Beginners <<
B3ta man of the moment Cassetteboy is following
up his smash hits involving Alan Sugar and Nick
Griffin. After tackling those titans, he now
takes on the web itself. We rather liked
Stephen Fry's blouse.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Zombie kitten apocalypse <<
"The zombie kitten apocalypse has arrived,"
raves Mutated Monty. "A new animation by me
and SarahBear, it's not for the squeamish." Cute
and a bit gothy - it's like Tim Burton does
Anime.
http://www.b3ta.
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"IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo
Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
photos of stuff that looks like penises, shoved
it into a book and figured it would fit in with
B3ta. Anyway, we've got 6 copies to give away.
Complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
"I love cock because... "
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1
Presents - we forgot to run this bit last week
Stuck for buying present ideas for the official
b3ta wife and children we thought we'd ask the
B3tans what they're buying their nearest and
dearest so we could crib inspiration.
http://www.b3ta.
Of course most of you have written jokes and
we're still absolutely fucked in the present
buying dept.
* SWEETS - "I'm going to give my nephews and nieces
radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their
glowing little faeces....." (vinny)
* WII - "My niece told me she wanted a Wii for
Christmas. I can't wait to see the look on her
face when she realises I've given her a jam jar
full of piss." (ralphseviltwin)
* BOOZE - "Gave my wife the best Christmas
present she could have wished for today. Went
to my first AA meeting. Day one and counting.
Apologies for lack of funnies." (capo) - No gag
here, we're simply interested to see how this
turns out. Good luck Capo.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
Failed Projects
Last week we had a minor panic attack about
projects we've ballsed-up in the past and
thought you might like to confess all:
http://www.b3ta.
* 4x4xFAIL - "Many years ago I was helping a
friend build a nice big garage across the end
of his garden. He had a partially complete
LWB Land Rover parked where we were going
to build. We tried pushing it but those fuckers
weigh a ton, so he suggested he'd get the
starter motor wired up later in the day and
"Just move it up the garden a bit." The next
morning we arrived to find it 150ft away,
right up by his house, with a trail of flattened
wendy houses, swings and sandpits in its wake.
Apparently he'd started it, ground it into
gear and set off only to remember he hadn't
connected the brakes. Struggling to get it
out of gear, the 4WD behemoth crashed its
way towards his kitchen, much to the shock of
his wife who was washing up at the time. We
laughed about it for a few weeks, until we
realized that, having built the garage, there
was now no way of getting the Land Rover out
of the garden."
(KipperFillets)
* PUPPY - "Summer hols and myself and Mark
are bored. What would cheer us up? A puppy.
Where can we get one? Dunno. Why don't we make
one? Brilliant. Our rudimentary knowledge of
biology was such that we knew that two dogs
were needed; and that one had to piggy-back
the other for the magic to work. Five minutes
later Mark has a mangy mongrel and I have Mrs
Simms' Alsation which I'd volunteered to walk.
We tried to get the Alsation to mount the mutt
but it was not having it. So... I held the
Alsation whilst Mark lifted the other one into
position and vigourously rubbed it back and
forth. Result? No puppy - but a half dead mongrel
and me nearly losing a pint of blood."
(DrTugnutcracker)
* JIGSAW - "I have just completed a jigsaw puzzle.
It was rather difficult and took me nearly
eighteen months to finish. Which is great, as
it said 3-4 years on the box." (marcooosa)
>> This Week's Question <<
Asking people out. tell us your biggest successes
and most embarrassing failures. Not that we're
after new chat-up lines, or anything:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Clients Ruin My Art <<
Anyone in the "creative industries" will cringe
at the unavoidable truth of this strip cartoon
showing the toxic relationship between a web
designer and his client. It all ends in comic
sans tears.
http://theoatmeal.
>> Christmas Nonce-sense <<
If you think Santa has a whiff of the child
enthusiast about him, you would be delighted to
find one of these in his sack. "Ha! I told you
so!" you'd chorus. Send a lynch mob to burn his
toyshop down.
http://snurl.
>> Passive Aggressive wifi <<
Speaking for the household who only recently
abandoned the wifi tag 'cunt' for the more
child-friendly 'bums', we loved this list of
wifi names, all of which put two fingers up to
the neighbours with the joy of anonymity. Much
like wanking in their milk bottles or doing a
poo in their recycle box.
http://www.holytaco
>> 3D without the glasses <<
Why faff about with silly glasses when you can
take your HP Laserjet into the 3rd dimension
with these cut-out and keep 3D letters?
http://www.dafont.
>> 9/11 is a joke <<
We blame the New World Order for this. Or maybe
Peter Hook from New Order for this excruciating
newspaper correction.
http://is.gd/
>> Google's doing it for the Kids <<
We'd probably be on some kind of register if we
asked the local primary schools to rework the
Sickipedia logo, though judging by the rather
lovely things the kids have done for google, we
might be on to a bit of a winner. We've heard
the Special Needs kids are doing one for Ask
Jeeves.
http://www.google.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitties in neckwear
A collection of cats in ties, ruffs and bow
ties. But no scarves, cravats or snoods -
coming soon, we hope.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Etch-A-sketch for autistic Terry Pratchett fans
>> Shane sings 5 octaves on the piano <<
We love Shane and his one note octave,
especially as we think he is the living proof
that inbreeding is wrong. A Hillbilly Susan
Boyle; as played by Jack Black.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Beatles 3000 <<
A fantastic parody of all those nonsense
documentaries on the History Channel, where a
16 year-old on work experience has shoved a few
names into Google and come out with piffle.
We want to go to "Nectaris University" though,
as it sounds kind of spacey.
http://www.youtube.
>> Tetris God <<
The sort of sketch the Goodies might have made
if they'd been 20 years younger and had got an
Amstrad GX4000 for Christmas.
http://www.collegeh
>> Queen, Overdubbed <<
Imagine Freddie turned into Brian Blessed (with
a cheeky hint of Papa Lazarou) and you're
halfway towards grasping this rambunctious
re-voicing of Queen's magnum opus Bohemian
Rhapsody. Popeye!
http://www.youtube.
>> Blair Witch Flatmare <<
We're not a 100 per cent sure that this is for
real - it's much too neat and the shots are too
well-composed, but the idea is pretty creepy;
mad tramp lady living in your loft, creeping
out at night, stealing your food and pissing in
your sink.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Pissed Himself Laughing
Whilst not exactly a cock and balls logo, it
does look a man having a large slash.
http://www.foamconc
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: PORN FOR THE BLIND x2
Last week's publication of "what porn I wank to
even tho I'm blind" attracted a lot of comment,
including:
* "Please tell the blind guy who's sick of
listening to frat boys describing poo in a cup
that there are lots of ladies reading out
erotic stories at Literotica's Text With Audio
category - I've got nothing to do with
Literotica, but I felt out of a sense of
fraternity that I should help a brother out!"
(James)
http://snurl.
* "You featured Blind Porn in last week's
mailout. How about some Deaf Porn? The UK Film
Council gave me some money to make a fantastic
comedy mockumentary about a chap called Hands
Solo, the world's most famous Deaf Porn star.
He's very very good with his hands, you know."
(wmager)
http://www.hands-
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: KY JELLY ALTERNATIVES
Last week we asked what other substances you'd
used for lube - our mail box gushed over:
* OIL - "I've heard that soldiers, whilst
deployed, use gun oil as lube. I have not tried
this personally..
(paul.mechanicus)
* WD40 = BAD - "DON'T TRY IT! They use WD40 in
my local to stop people snorting coke off the
cistern. I'm reliably informed that it burns
like hell. Given that penile and vaginal skin
is mucous membrane, as is the inside of your
nose, I'm pretty certain you'd end up in
casualty." (mrsclarebutler)
* HAIRGEL - "In response to Jeff Balls's question
about what makes a good KY alternative, when I
was a bit younger and cranking out 12 a day
with some regularity, I found really, really,
cheap hair gel to work a treat. I mean the
Tesco Blue Stripe 39p gloop. It's fucking awful
for doing anything with your hair, but if you
want a cheap wanking lube, the stuff is worth
its weight in gold." (Mr. Jack)
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Jesus UK Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would
get up to if he toured Britain today.
Your favourites included:
* WALL - in which the son of God is fiendishly
mocked by the developers of a gameshow (Monty
Propps)
http://www.b3ta.
* PORN - whatever they said about Christ, you
could never deny he was well-hung (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.
* MAIL - with his non-British roots, Jesus
would have been less popular with some
newspapers than others (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: True Christmas Cards <<
Xmas is almost upon us once again, and it's
time for b3ta's annual Christmas Card
challenge. This year, we'd like you to design
cards that tell the truth about Christmas and
about the people you'll be sending them to:
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TOP 100 BESTEST SITE YAYS - Nice to see the
Guardian giving B3ta a shout out for our
trolls.
http://tinyurl.
* CYRIAK WINS E4 LUMP OF GLASS - nice to see
our man Mutated Monty getting some props for
his work.
http://www.e4.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Obey the game!
"There's not enough Friday Games!", writes
Jasper Kingjay, "Now I get bored on Fridays. So
here's one. Obey the Game. You can actually get
quite far by doing nothing, how cool is that?"
http://www.kongrega
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOCKERY CROCKERY - Official B3ta Wife bought
the Fuhrer a horrid mug for his birthday,
bearing the legend (in comic sans of course)
"The internet's Rob Manuel". Show us your
plates of hate.
* BIKE LIGHT DISCO - we used to have them as
students - does anyone still bother? Or is
there some modern alternative with waving your
phones about?
* WAYS OF CURING THE SHITS WITHOUT IMODIUM -
we've had trouble in this area all week and,
Christ, the pills are a devil's blessing. What
works for you?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny
Martin, Frizzletoe and Wine, iowaseven, Duncan
Biscuits, ereuben, mr_chopper, mafbailey,
pascalsirletti, Diamondflamer. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
andicap. Sickigag via eviltorry.
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SICKIPEDIA:
My internet connection was so slow yesterday I
ended up just shagging the wife.
http://www.sickiped
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