This Week:
* VID - Hitler BNP tantrum
* SONG - Perverts on the Internet
* ESCAPE - Penguin v whales
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B3ta email 355 - 21 NOV 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
How are your man-hunting skills?
From Monday 17 November LiveGuy will be
travelling through 11 cities with his netbook,
leaving clues to his whereabouts live online.
Find him and win his Dell Inspiron Mini 9
netbook with built-in mobile broadband from
Vodafone. Good luck. You’ll need it.
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hitler, Perverts and Pirates
>> Hitler's leaked BNP membership <<
Shit hits the fan in the Fuhrerbunker when
Hitler finds out that the BNP membership list
has been posted over the internet. Much kudos
to qwghlm for a great bit of rewriting and
subtitling.
http://uk.youtube.
>> Perverts on the Internet <<
Kunt and the Gang sing the plight of many randy
young chaps trying to pull via teh interwebs.
Disturbing mask of Kunt's mum.
http://www.youtube.
>> Somalian Pirates <<
A rare venture into topical commentary from
Jonti and Wonchop, with a peculiar take on
recent events in Somalia. Is there no event so
bad it can't be lightened with cheery Northern
singing?
http://www.weebls-
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Procrastination
We are lazy bastards here at B3ta and this
question was only asked to make us feel better.
Go read tales on laziness here, especially
BOATongism's creepy tale at number 1:
http://b3ta.
* SPERM - "My girlfriend wants to have my baby.
Yay! She's had a few problems with her lovely
lady bits and so I have had to have a few tests
carried out too to make sure I'm firing on all
cylinders. General health assessment - check.
Blood tests - check. Semen count - err, well, I
actually kept putting that off. Not because I
have a problem about wanking in public places,
it's more because the doctors gave me a number
of a clinic on Euston Road to phone and sort
out my own appointment. This was back in early
September. I only got round to ringing them
last week. I was supposed to go down there
today armed with a fresh batch of my man juice
for them to count, quaff, whatever they do with
it. I slept in. Got up late. Quickly knocked
one out. (You're not allowed to cum for three
days before giving them your best dairy
produce, so it didn't take too long), and then
legged it down to the tube with my man juice in
a little container under my arm so I wouldn't
miss my appointment. I made the appointment -
just - at ten thirty... Only my specimen
didn't... If you happen to be on the Northern
Line, High Barnet branch today and see a small
container containing what looks like spunk,
well, yes, it is actually spunk..."
(SpankyHanky)
* ELOPED - "Several decades ago, I got married.
Since we were living far away from family, and
couldn't afford a big deal wedding, we simply
visited the local Judge one day. We were going
to call the folks that night, and tell everyone
what we'd done, but it slipped our minds. The
next day she thought I would call, I thought
she would call, so neither of us called. We
decided that it was not appropriate to say "We
got married the day before yesterday" via a
phone call. So, we planned a trip home the next
weekend, when we would tell everyone. Things
came up, and we couldn't make the trip. Before
we knew it, we were a month married, and nobody
except our local friends knew. We went home at
Christmas with great resolve, but both families
were so unkind to 'that person you're living
with', that we chickened out. Next we decided
to actually have the big deal wedding, on or
about our anniversary. Unfortunately, neither
of us spent much time planning or arranging the
event - so it simply didn't happen. We finally
told them on our first anniversary: "Mom, Dad -
we're married." "Oh, no!" "This is a -
surprise." "-----!" "What? When did that
happen?" "Um, we got married last year. Today
is our first anniversary.
eloping for a full year. It doesn't ingratiate
you with anyone, really. Plus, no wedding
gifts. Still, it's been 30 years, so we must
have done something right." (danalan)
* SHIT - "I came upstairs because I needed a
shit. It was 7.30pm. I noticed Mrs Norris had
left the PC on in the spare room. I thought
"Ooh, I haven't read qotw on B3ta for ages,
I'll have a quick look." It's 11.20pm. I still
need a shit." (Soapy Norris)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to know all about your family codes
and rituals. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Let me google that for you <<
Who hasn't been on a messageboard and seen
someone ask a really simple question that would
have taken more time to post than it would to
simply google in the first place? Help is at
hand with this fantastic new Patronise 2.0
service.
http://letmegooglet
>> How young are your ears? <<
Teenagers - like bats - communicate in
frequencies too high-pitched for grown-ups to
hear. Find out if your ears are young enough to
enjoy Emo, sniffing glue and fingering in this
rather neat collection of piercing frequencies.
http://snurl.
>> Tattoo fails <<
Seeing as we have nothing positive to say on
the subject, here's three tattoo-themed jokes
to get you in the mood for looking at some of
the worst body art ever:
* My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell
on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it,
I swear you can smell the ocean.
* Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I
want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock". "You'd
be better off with a Land Rover" replies the
tattooist, "It won't get stuck in the shit".
* Fashions come and go, I know. But don't you
think it a bit odd you never see Jewish people
with those trendy little number tattoos on
their wrists these days?
http://flabbergaste
>> Random recipe generator <<
Don't know what to cook and fancy trying
something new? Extra credit to anyone who
actually follows any of the recipes this site
comes up with and provides documentary evidence
of themselves eating it. We genuinely lolled.
http://jamesoff.
>> Betting on real world events <<
The interesting thing about betting is that it
reveals predictive information. Say most people
are betting a win for Arsenal then there's a
good chance they will win. What betting shops
don't tell you though, is how other people are
betting. This all changes here. Fascinating,
and potentially disruptive stuff. Even if it is
all for fun and not cash.
http://www.hubdub.
>> 25 Websites that became books <<
We're only linking this for the vague
irritation that it doesn't include any UK sites
which have taken this path. We could do an
answer article with Nicecupoftea, Kittenwar,
B3ta (yay!), Law of the Playground etc but we
simply can't be arsed. Maybe you can? Stick in
a fuckload of amazon affiliates and you'll make
a couple of hundred quid probably.
http://snurl.
>> Congratulations to the happy couple <<
"I finally did it, married my girlfriend of 5
years. She means the world to me, I can't
believe what a lucky guy I am. I never thought
I would find true love, but now that I have my
life is complete. Here are the pictures from
our ceremony." We're saying nothing.
http://snurl.
>> 118 118 live feed <<
You can now text 118 with questions and they'll
reply back, the interesting bit is watching
what people ask. The really interesting bit is
that we tested the service with the ego-led
question "who is rob manuel?" And got back an
unattributed cut-and-paste from Wikipedia.
Which, we suspect, if you can be arsed to cause
some trouble, COULD cause them some trouble.
http://www.text1181
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Stuff not ripped from textfiles.com
>> Penguin escapes orcas <<
A boatload of tourists get front row seats as a
wily penguin confounds the entire pod of killer
whales pursuing him.
http://snurl.
>> Candle project <<
Step-by-step instructions to build a simple,
little toy from just a tealight and a length of
copper tubing. Excellent.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cat + robot cleaner <<
Looking like a feline equivalent of the Mekon,
a surprisingly serene cat sits atop one of
those automatic vacuum cleaner jobbies as it
spins and whirls around the carpet.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Stupid exercise machine <<
Investor video for a fitness device so oddly
misguided it beggars belief. There is such a
thing as thinking too far outside the box. A
treadmill that - get this - moves along as you
run.
http://www.burbia.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Double shaft rollover week, bonus balls
* MORE COCK LOGOS - "thought you might like
this logo I saw while driving yesterday" (The
Elcat)
http://snurl.
* SHADOW PENIS - "My cock-fixated girlfriend
snapped this glorious array of todgers made of
pure sunlight at Westminster Bridge, London."
(twmdavies)
http://www.flickr.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Daily Mail Challenge
Last week we gave you three words: The Daily
Mail.
Your favourites included:
* EXPRESS - rather brilliant exposé on the
science of headline creation (zeltergiset)
http://www.b3ta.
* SITH - sometimes, the foreigners are from
further away than usual (plentyofants)
http://www.b3ta.
* DOG - how the papers see the news differently
(Checkinguponmeagai
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Recreating Albums <<
Using just what you have about you, recreate
your favourite album cover. Photoshopping album
covers doesn't count.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IMPROVED 80s NUMBER ONES QUIZ - Frankie
Pigeon: "Loved guessing the number 1s of the
80's last week, but it took half an hour to
listen to and had loads of lyrics in that gave
the game away. To make amends I have created a
perfectly sequenced 80's quiz using musical
bits only (no lyrics) which will only take 5
minutes to listen to, but might just keep you
wondering about for hours." If you get all 36
you are officially old/sad/musically
well-informed (delete as applicable)
http://www.b3ta.
* SPIDER vs. BANK INTERVIEW - A Perth newspaper
caught up with the bloke who tried to pay off
his overdraft with a sketch of a spider, as
featured an issue or two ago. Thanks to ex-pat
Pat for the link to a nice little interview.
http://www.news.
* "WE FOUND A TROLL" LIES! - As many of you
pointed out, last week's QOTW story of
drug-addled revellers was, and is, a great big
urban legend. "It's Snopetastic,
deane1980:
http://www.snopes.
* TOILET PISS MEASURER - We demanded a way of
telling just how huge our mighty pisses really
are. "The easy way to do this is to piss into a
kitchen measuring jug," informs Ruddles. "I can
tell you that a normal piss is about a pint.
Remember to wash the jug afterwards." Or
Madonna will be round, licking the inside of it.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Mental cooking thing
"PETA have apparently lost their minds and made
a parody of a game called Cooking Mama for the
DS.", writes n.d.turton, "They were upset with
the fact that it features too much meat, so
they made an ironic version which called
'Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals'. I think
they intended it to be shocking, but it's
actually rather cool and I imagine much better
than the original."
http://www.peta.
BTW: We've stuck up an archive of all the old
Friday Games. Thanks Cr3 for coding that for
us. Woo hoo.
http://b3ta.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHAT ELSE CAN YOU COOK IN A TOASTER? A
hamburger? A Findus Crispy Pancake? A very thin
calzone pizza?
* MAKE YOUR OWN GLUE - glue's traditionally
made from horses. Can you make adhesive from
the dead birds your cat brings in?
* OPIUM HONEY - feed your bees pollen from the
heroin poppies and make some Honey Nut Smack.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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TANKS:
Sherman, Panzer IV, and the Churchill Crocodile
which threw flames! How cool is that? This
issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Lord Gnome.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Barbarossa.
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SICKIPEDIA:
We were saddened to hear the news of Baby P's
death. 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy' was one of the
best dance music singles of the 90s.
http://www.sickiped
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