This Week:
* SELLOTAPE - Tesco Value Spiderman
* VIDEO - What it feels like to be immolated
* CHALLENGE - The Daily Mail!?
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B3ta "e-post" 353 - 13 Nov 2008
L@@K!! RARE NEWSLETTER!! GAY INTEREST!!
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
You lot vs the world
>> Spiderman vs Sellotape <<
"A couple of newsletters back B3ta asked how
much sticky tape it would take to climb a
wall?" spluffs Tom Scott, "It, er, it doesn't
work all that well. My arm hair's steadily
growing back." Wow, and for an encore can you
catch a pig and eat it by injecting it with
digestive enzymes then drinking it like soup?
Please?
http://www.tomscott
>> Joel Veitch vs pigs <<
Pork talk 101:
* Babe - The quite wondrous film that turned a
nation of toddlers vegetarian - didn't receive
a theatrical release in Malaysia. It wasn't
halal.
* Pigs do not have functional sweat glands.
Unlike Joel who has 2 million.
* Joel's new song is rather amusing.
http://rathergood.
>> Stephen Fry vs Jay-Z <<
Jay-Z, or Mr Beyonce as almost nobody calls him
has "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One".
Unless, that is, the bitch is WordBomb who's
synced up the 2003 smash with a Stephen Fry
interview. We hope Jay-Z puts a cap in his ass.
A contraceptive cap that is, as we all know Fry
supports safe sex. (Although he did get AIDS in
Peter's Friends.)
http://www.b3ta.
>> Fire vs camera <<
Morrissey once sang, "Now I know how Joan of
Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose
and her Walkman started to melt." And now? You
can know too, in this brilliantly-
project from Tim 'politi-lols' Ireland who's
made a Guy with a CCTV for a head, then filmed
from within a bonfire.
http://snurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Last week: Stuff you've found
You know the score: we ask questions and you
tell us lies. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes
it's pages and pages of brain-freezing meh.
http://www.b3ta.
* WE FOUND A TROLL - "A group of friends decide
to spend a day on acid. One of them doesn't
want to partake and says he'll pop round and
see them later when it's all stopped being a
bit too mental.
"He calls round at the house early evening
where the group of friends live. One of them
opens up the door with massive saucer eyes and
a slightly worried look on his face. He beckons
the non drugged chap inside.
"The straight guy (Mark) asks how their day
went, and the guy who is still clearly off his
gourd on ecstasy pipes and looking seriously
worried whispers 'We found a troll'.
"Mark decides to humour him and carries on by
asking where they found it. He replies 'We
found it in the playground of the local park,
it was just sitting there, so we brought it
home.'
"So Mark asks if he could see the troll. 'Yeah,
it's in the kitchen' comes the reply.
"Mark nervously opens the kitchen door, not
knowing what he might find. What he sees,
sitting on a stool and happily munching
biscuits, is... a man with Downs Syndrome.
"They had actually taken this poor guy home
with them. After pissing himself with laughter,
Mark did the right thing and found out where
this guy lived and took him home." (drshipman)
* DOLPHIN/BMX -"Walking on the beach, I found
a dolphin's arse (or possibly a porpoise). I
say 'arse' - it was kind of the section from
the back of its fin to the start of where its
tail should be. Next to the arse was a bent BMX
bike.
"I expect they were just randomly washed up
together, but I like to think they were the
tragic result of a dolphin's over-ambitious BMX
stunt." (superscape)
* DON'T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL SAD - "I
found an old camcorder tape. Well, when I say
camcorder, it was a battered Amstrad affair
from the days before the word 'camcorder' even
existed. A camera that was powered by my dad's
car-battery charger.
"Anyway, the tape was one of those that goes
into a standard-size VHS cassette so you can
watch the tapes on a normal VCR. Who said Alan
Sugar produces shite?
"I'd given up hope and thought the tape was
gone for good, but I found it in the VHS
'caddy' in an old VCR in the loft. I rigged it
up and played the tape.
"A few seconds of that snow and the picture
came on. Still of good quality.
"It was footage my mother had recorded in 1993
of my eldest brother (who passed away nearly 7
years ago of some diabetes-related
complication) helping my first-born learn to
walk.
"I cried a little. and then some more."
(Maudlin McCann)
>> This Week: Procrastination <<
We'd like you to, um, well there's these pens
on the desk we like spinning, ooh our favourite
blog has a new post, gosh is it time for lunch
already?
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Pretty lady! <<
Men, if you ever get a special girl, make sure
you post pics of her in a bikini on your
favourite body-building website. We've been
sent this link ooh 5 times this week; there's
something here people are finding funny but we
hesitate to spell it out. Those in glass houses
should not mention Brian Peppers and all that.
http://forum.
>> Ladies who lunch <<
Like drug addicts looking for fresh highs, keen
masturbators are always looking for new
material to make that tug feel like the first
spooge they ever had. Well, look no further:
what you need is young ladies drinking cups of
tea. Ooh, they might burn their lips! ...The
erotic possibilities are simply endless.
http://teabirds.
>> Spider email vs. bank <<
We can't stand our bank. Every time we visit
they try to flog us a "Gold" account, which
doesn't mean free Terry's All Gold when we
withdraw cash but free travel insurance for
only £15 per month. It's got to the point where
we visibly shudder on passing the branch.
Anyway, loving this bit of bank-baiting whimsy.
http://franksemails
>> 50 strange buildings <<
Nice big chunk of architectural whimsey. If you
like looking at images of unusual dwellings
you're well catered-for here. The Luxor casino
looks pretty bog-standard in amongst this lot.
http://villageofjoy
>> Wooden brain <<
NHS managers! Looking for product ideas to sell
in your hospital-based gift shops? Simply rip
off this fantastic idea: glue some MRI scans to
a few wooden blocks, and it'll make a great
puzzle that your patients can take home as a
lovely souvenir of their brain cancer
experience.
http://neil.
>> Geeky marketing stuff <<
Bloke notices signs on lawns advertising
websites and uncovers a multi-million pound
business that almost no-one has heard of.
Useful background info for those of us that end
up in awful endless conversions about the
margins of marketing. Er, that's just us then.
http://snurl.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Hedgehog wears a hat
Famous hat-wearers include The Edge from U2
(hides his bald spot) and G'n'R's Axl Rose (for
similar reasons). So what does this little
hedgehog have to hide? Perhaps he should comb
his spines over instead.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Adding the letters "un" to the word "funny"
* MATRIX RUNNING ON WINDOWS - oh pity poor
Microsoft, their brand has become such
shorthand for crap that we were grinning even
before watching the video.
http://www.collegeh
* SQUIRRELS DANCING TO JACKO - nice bit of
video editing for which we couldn't suppress a
smile. SQUIRREL FACT: their meat is more tender
than chicken.
http://www.youtube.
* DIZZEE RASCAL ON PAXMAN - quite who's doing
the booking on Newsnight these days? Jo Whiley?
Mr Rascal seems more than a bit out of his
depth but comes across quite well as he
cheerfully blags his way through.
http://snurl.
* IN YOUR FACE OBAMA - Adam Buxtom 'shops his
gob onto Barack's lips for some DIY lols.
http://www.b3ta.
* 500 IMPRESSIONS IN TWO MINUTES - we're
thinking of tackling a similar one, if only we
could think of 500 famous gingers.
http://www.b3ta.
* THE FUTURE OF ALL FILMING - Loving this 360
degree camera. Imagine being able to control
the camera from the edit. That, dear reader,
that would be heaven.
http://proteinos.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Long, slow depression has set in
* SECRET PENIS - "Saw this advertised on the TV
today (channel FIVE in the UK). The design of
the 3-pack looks like a cock, and what's more
it's heading for someone's arse!" (kevinleah)
http://snk.co.
* MR & MRS BIG COCK -"This was a wedding
announcement in my local newspaper."
(brian_shuford)
http://snurl.
* BEST ORAL - "It's fun seeing the words BJ
Champion scrawled across the side of a
church." ([DTMX])
http://www.bjchampi
* ANOTHER CROTCH REFENECE = "Sir Jock Stirrup,
British Chief of the Defence Staff"
(cynthiakennedy)
http://en.wikipedia
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Macho Challenge
Last week we wanted you design products for
real men.
Your favourites included:
* GILLETTE - five blades? That's for ladies.
This is a proper shave (addickted)
http://www.b3ta.
* TABASCO - the Chuck Norris range of facial
products proves to be a tough sell (blowfelt)
http://www.b3ta.
* MANDRILL - the ultimate in power-tool
pornography (PointlessCamel)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: The Daily Mail <<
B3ta is issuing you a three-word challenge: The
Daily Mail. Challenge suggested by The Great
Architect.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* COOKIES WIN! - "Top Tip Success. I tried
your Top Tip in issues 352 and have to say my
biccies were very nice. Although I had to make
a little addition to the recipe and increase
the cooking time." (goldenlad)
http://flickr.
* OCD DIET SUCCESS - "Haha.. thanks for posting
my OCD Diet in your newsletter. It seems I've
caused quite an Internet storm. It really comes
to something when NBC have nothing better to do
than take someone like me seriously!" (oucheh)
http://snurl.
* PUB STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - "In Los Angeles
branches of Whole Foods, the hippy grocery shop
that I never go to ever, there is a machine to
make your own peanut butter. Similar to the
coffee grinding machines, you just stick a tub
underneath, and peanuts in the top. The oil in
the nuts makes it creamy. I guess doing it with
dry roasted would add flavour. What about pork
scratchings?
* HELLO CUNTY - diyjoe whom some of you will
remember for his many swearing projects of past
times writes, "The ex-president of internet
swearing returns, and bringeth with him new
wonders from the land of profanity. Introducing
'Hello Cunty' - powered by the Twunt500, the
artificially intelligent swearing mainframe."
http://www.hellocun
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: FRIDAY GAME
Caption the photo
Think you're funny? The challenge is to write a
lol-worthy caption for a random photo in under
a minute, and beat the other players in the
round. We absolutely loved playing this and
this week we've found ourselves coming back
time and time again.
http://captionx.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something super-wicked and tell us about
it. If you are in it then people will see your
stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOW OLD WERE THEY WHEN THEY DID THAT? John
Lennon was 26 when he wrote 'I am the Walrus'.
Hitler was 50 when he invaded Poland. We want a
site where people can upload facts and make
themselves feel bad (or good) about their lack
of relative accomplishments.
* TOILET PISS MEASURER - who knows how much you
piss? It could be 50ml or a litre, as bogs keep
the water on a level there's no easy way of
telling. We demand change.
* BUILD A GARDEN SHED WITH LEGO - and live in
it for a week. Complete with lego bog.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sub: b3ta-subscribe@
Dom: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob "Urban Mole"
Manuel with David "scribbletits" Stevenson.
We're not rapists, we're just a bit deaf, You
can't arrest us, that's discrimination. Stuff
sent in by win_daddy. Top Tippery by MeekMan.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser "THE WORD, Word, word..." Lewry. Mike
"Rimed Tinker" Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol
via andy19chelsea.
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TOP TIP:
Always sleep on an angry letter. When you wake
up, if you still feel like sending it, you're
bound to have thought up loads more hurtful
things to put in it while you slept.
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SICKIPEDIA:
When Barack Obama was performing his speech
after being elected as president, he had to do
it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because
he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot
anyone.
http://www.sickiped
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