This Week:
* SPOCK - What's in his scanner?
* EVA BRAUN - in black-face makeup
* MATT BAKER - vs the PM
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're rubbing our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | rude bits until
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| excitement happens"
B3ta email 470 - 11 Mar 2011
Read this issue using Netscape Navigator Gold:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue470/
Lovers: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Fighters: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: BRINK! THE BESTEST GAME EVER!
(Sponsored linky)
Explosive shooter with online multiplayer
wonderfulness. Your brain will literally
explode when you see the unique character and
weapon customisations. Your ability to move
around in the game is unlike any other previous
game, this is some unique awesome foo.
Steamworks integration too, did you hear us?
STEAMWORKS INTEGRATION MUDDY FUNSTERS. Windows,
Xbox 360, PS3. This is too good, kids with Wiis.
Out 20th May, but check out the website for
some bonuses for ordering early.
http://bit.ly/gop7uW
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Your money means we can be arsed to write this
shit instead of just pissing around on Twitter.
Divert some of your ad spend our way:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kebabs, Spock, Bikes
>> What's in Spock's scanner? <<
If you've ever wondered what Spock looks at when
he stares into that tiny screen on the
Enterprise bridge, wonder no more! "This is part
one in a series," predicts Black Moon, "(if this
one does well)."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner
>> Twats on bikes <<
"Recently I have noticed an alarming increase in
the numbers of people who see cycling as a great
way to 'dress to impress' in the Shoreditch,
Hoxton and East London fringes," explains nitro
fan. "I felt what they really needed was a
cycling club of their own, hence The Hoxton
Wheelers Cycling Club blog." He'd also like you
to send him your own pics of any likely Wheelers
members, ie. dickheads.
http://hoxtonwheelers.blogspot.com/
>> I'm waiting for my fucking kebab! <<
"I'm either going to hell or getting bottled
for this edit," complains burnside, "It's a
portrait of modern day Binge Britain from the
all-seeing eye(s) of kebab shops.' It's a grim
picture of all our futures: low wage economy
and lashings of cheap booze. Or it's just some
dickheads. You decide.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Waiting_For_My_Fucking_Kebab
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Stupid Colleagues
Last week we wanted to know just how dumb are
the people you are force to share an workplace
with. These people are so stupid they haven't
even worked out how to skive off on b3ta yet:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidcolleagues/
* WHALES - "Barney was a decent, nice-but-dim
sort of guy. One afternoon were talking about
whales and he seemed quite suspicious when I
told him they weren't fish and they breathed air.
'Ok then, so how do they breathe underwater?'
'You know when they come up to the surface and
squirt water in the air? Well that's them
breathing out,' I said, as uncondescendingly
as I could. He looked at me like I was an idiot,
then started laughing in my face. 'That's not
breathing!' He laughed. 'That's them FARTING.
Their bums are on the top and they come up to
fart! Didn't you even know that!?' 'Um... I'm
pretty sure they're breathing,' I replied,
slightly stunned by this new information.
'Think about it...' He added slowly, so I'd
understand, 'if they didn't come to the top
when they farted, their arseholes would fill
up with water and they'd sink.'
(tinpixel)
* BUNNIES - "Our receptionist had just been
away for a romantic weekend in a log cabin in
the New Forest with her boyfriend, but returned
concerned and angered. 'They were just running
around everywhere, on the road and everything,'
she complained, oblivious to the howls of
laughter around her. 'You'd think people would
take more care of their rabbits.' She couldn't
get her head round the concept of wild rabbits
once it was explained to her either. 'How did
they get there? What do they eat? Where do they
go at night? IN A HOLE??? Shut up, don't be
stupid, they would die.' I dread to think what
would happen if she saw Watership Down, her head
would probably explode."
(Stopitnowplease)
* AFRICANS - "A colleague of mine was sent to
attend a conference about some new cancer drug
trial. We asked him who the Keynote speaker had
been and he replied, 'Some African guy.' It turns
out he'd read the name 'John Charles MBioChem'
and assumed that MBioChem was his surname, as it
sounded, 'kind-of Nigerian.' All this despite
the fact that he was himself a 'Master' of
BioChemistry and had exactly the same letters
after his own name. He has since gone on to
achieve a PhD and no-one knows how."
(Guntfuggle Quackblast)
>> This Week's Question: Bodge jobs <<
To be honest, if you can't fix it with a hammer,
it wasn't worth fixing. It certainly works with
web servers. Tell us about your bodge jobs:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Blacked-up Eva Braun <<
The Daily Mail photos of Eva Braun and her Nazi
chums make me think of our Gov. Loads of rich
people enjoying top larks whilst the country
burns. BTW: We don't want to link to the Mail
but when they find content as extraordinary as
this it's hard to say no.
http://istyosty.com/exk
>> Ode to Charlie Sheen <<
Missed the Sheen story? Rich drug addict doesn't
follow script. If caught you're meant to go
"Sorry! Rehab!" and carry on behind closed
doors. Sheen, instead, has been oddly authentic
and shouted loud and proud that he loves drugs
and hookers. This against a backdrop of being
sacked and having his kids taken off him. Fun
times, but he's given the internet several new
catchphrases and, hey, some new material for the
Autotune the News guys to work with:
http://j.mp/gJxdQP
>> Kate Middleton For The Win Tumblr <<
Lots and lots of pics of Kate looking moderately
attractive (we see her as a more effective
version of Michelle Heaton) with LOL WE'RE RICH
captions. This made the official B3ta wife spit
feathers.
http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com
>> Poor old Assange <<
The plot to smear Julian Assange's name
continues. 1. Rapist. 2. Anti-semite & now 3.
Cat hater.
http://goo.gl/rfeAb
>> Asda dating <<
The story behind this stuff is it's basically a
white label product. A third party business
called ukdating.com sets up as partner, uses the
brand to get a bit of traction and everyone
pockets a few quid. Quite a result to get Asda
on board though, as everyone will laugh at it
thereby getting tons of publicity. Should we
want to, we could probably set up B3ta dating
with these shits. Or, more alarmingly, Sickipedia
dating.
http://asdadating.co.uk/
>> More Etsy lols <<
In the week when Etsy was demanding $$$ from
mockery site Regretsy for use of their images
comes a new way to laugh along with the types
who make weird crap and flog it online: men
forced to model their girlfriends' 'crafts'. A
more glum collection of guys you've never seen.
Still, laugh away, as they might look stupid but
they are getting laid.
http://bit.ly/ggnaXC
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Look again, it's only flashing pixels
>> Police typing lols <<
We've been interviewed for TV occasionally, and
there's often a bit where they say "let's just
get a shot of you tapping away at your PC". They
use it to mask transitions, else your interview would
be full of jump cuts and look jarring. It's not
normally done quite this badly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Police_IT_Skills
>> MP Air Guitar <<
Some lovely found footage of an MP in
parliament, idly doing a bit of air guitar
whilst another drones on, superbly cut to
audio of someone shredding a guitar. Made us
want to punch the air.
http://b3ta.com/links/MP_rocks_Parliament_with_air_guitar
>> Matt Baker mocks David Cameron <<
An unlikely event this; the Gov organised a
lovely bit of PR for themselves and PM Cameron went on
the fluffy One Show to deliver some bullshit
message to the people. All heavily scripted and
tightly rehearsed. Then one person didn't play
ball. Right at the end of the interview,
presenter Matt Baker threw in an unscripted dig
that was so masterfully done it could just be
an ambiguous question. Wonderful. Also interesting
insight into the newspapers as The Guardian and
The Mirror managed to review this exchange as
"comfy" and "fluffy". Our theory is that they didn't watch
the broadcast but reviewed a pre-prepared
script. Ho hum. And let's hope Matt Baker
doesn't get shuffled off permanently to Country File; we
can't imagine BBC brass will be letting him near
anything contentious again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I32Tgc3Ih8U
>> Football animation <<
If football always looked and sounded this nice,
we could probably stand to watch an entire game.
But just one.
http://youtu.be/cRZMjHzWXQc
>> Conga Dogs <<
"Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Dog on a
trike, leading a conga! It's the best thing in
the world. Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Singy
the songa, the remix is longer" etc etc.
http://j.mp/gwiw7u
>> "You're so hot" <<
Duel between two guys who use their sexuality as
a weapon.
http://t.co/7isNgIs
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Also featuring "cock monthly"
* UNFUNNY NAME CORNER - Second-highest paid exec
at Barclays is named Rich Ricci.
http://bit.ly/ia0RhR
* PENISY TITLE.GIF - It's easy to mock that their
logo looks like a cock.
http://easymock.org/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the LEGO Challenge
Last week we set a one word challenge: LEGO!
Your favourites included:
* TERMINATOR - he'll be back, this time rendered
in injection-moulded plastic (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10352342
* EXORCIST - perfect plastic re-enactment of
*that* scene, only lacking in vomit (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10354292
* TERROR - Legoland undergoes an attack eerily
reminiscent of 9/11 (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10352662
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lego/
>> New challenge: Film Baddies in TV Sitcom <<
Imagine if movie bad guys started showing up in
TV sitcoms - Darth Maul as David Brent, or The
Terminator running the show in Yes, Minister -
then use that imagination to create an
impressive entry for this week's challenge.
Suggested by Afinkawan.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NZ RUMBLES ON - ElGranto writes, "I'm a
lifelong Christchurch resident and, like many,
many others, I've been affected by the recent
earthquake. Unlike Marcus Gower, I took no
offence from last week's Top Tip. Not the
funniest gag in the world, but it was kind of
nice to see my poor little town get some props
on one of my favourite websites and, for me at
least, part of getting over such a tragedy is
trying to scrape a laugh out of it where you
can. While I appreciate Mr Gower standing up for
us from all the way up in the North Island,
please rest assured that one joke on a noted
humour site is not causing any lost sleep down
here. I just wish we'd had a better QOTW."
Hooray, so we can move to NZ to hide from the
West's economic meltdown then? Also, in breaking
news, Japan, but we'll avoid making the same
gags about them.
* EVERY B3TA QOTW IN EBOOK FORMAT - we've
covered this earlier but the project is now
completed, fredthedeadhead writes, "You can now
download every single past qotw in epub format.
You'll have to install Calibre (which is
basically amazing for organising and converting
ebooks)."
http://goo.gl/m9NIK
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* SS MEMORABILIA OF THE FUTURE = want to earn a
few quid on eBay in the future? Stock up now on
the free pens from Barclays. Come the revolution
it'll be like having an attic full of Nazi
uniforms.
* MUSIC GAMES - Here's one we play: "hear" a
tune in your head and hum the first note out
loud. Then check Spotify and see if you've got
the pitch right. This might also work with BPM
but we haven't bothered trying that yet.
* FRANKENSTEIN MODELS - Luke Jerromes writes,
"Hey, I was in WHSmiths the other day, and I
noticed there seemed to be a row of those first
issue 'create a thing' magazines. You pay 99p
for the first issue, and get a magazine and the
first piece towards the eventual object you will
have created. After that, the prices go up to
about £7, and for that you get a tiny
insignificant piece of what is probably to be an
unachieved ambition. I was just wondering, could
a b3tan create something out of all the pieces
of first issue magazines?"
* GOOGLE MAPS UBER ALLES - McClairey asks,
"Could someone please invent a thing which
changes all maps on websites into Google maps?
Trying to find my nearest bank branch on their
Bing maps function is like wading through a box
of geographical vomit." Yep, ban that Bing thing.
* IPHONE SCRATCH CARDS - an idea so evil we've
explained it more fully here:
http://goo.gl/OEKfi
Send your bottles of e-piss via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: Keep sending us emails, we read them all.
-------------------------------------------------
Subwoofer: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Submeower: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the proles of the
future: sitting at home earning pennies as a
knowledge worker, only speaking to people who
they agree with via twitter, also sinister_prog,
MeatSafeMurderer, TheMichaelMoran, oholiab,
sicalcutt, via Pazuzu, sheesidd, @oholiab,
mothdust and @JaneLMcGrath. Top Tippery 2 by
835Rocks. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via WormuIus.
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TOP TIP:
If the government wants to stop people buying
fags why not, on opening, make the packets
explode with shit and piss?
Actually, screw health warnings on fag packets.
They should just print them with embarrassing
messages. "I have VD" "I touch kids" "I voted
Tory"
TOP TIP 2
Car manufacturers! Tune your car horns to
a note on a C Major chord. Traffic jams
would become a musical joy to listen to.
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