This Week:
* VID - Philip Schofield on drugs
* GREYBLOKE - Gets groomed
* WEEBL - Guide to Biscuits
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B3ta email 322 - 04 Apr 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than semen stained rags
>> Phillip Schofield on drugs <<
"I made a video/tune out of Phil Schofield
clips," gurns Swede 'are you on one matey?'
Mason, "In which he raps about loving crack and
heroin. It used to be on YouTube. Phil ended up
seeing it; two days later it was gone. So I
stuck it on Myspace instead." This is very
entertaining, but has the vibe of kept in a
sealed box since 1992, and maybe that's why we
like it so much.
http://snipurl.
>> Greybloke gets a Skype call<<
You'll start of thinking this is a bit boring,
then it suddenly becomes utterly foul and very
funny in an extremely wrong way. We won't spoil
it for you, just enjoy it.
http://b3ta.
>> Horse Manure <<
Your newsletter team has been thinking about
the various methods used to stop Mr Spitty from
spitting too quickly. We reckon Sting uses
horse poo. BTW: This is the fifth and final
episode of our Mr Pitchy series, for now anyway.
http://www.comedybo
>> Weebl's guide to biscuits <<
It's fair to assume that Jonti Picking lives on
biscuits, and if he doesn't he knows far too
much about them. We love this tribute to the
food of the gods, and have given Jonti's
details to the producers of BBC3's Freaky
Eaters.
http://www.weebls-
>> Happy Birthday war <<
"Here's a video that I made with Mitch Benn,"
boasts adamjamesbromley, "to mark the 5th
anniversary of the Iraq war." If you like
politilols, then this is right up your Downing
Street. Even if the singer does look like John
Prescott in a blonde wig.
http://www.youtube.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shit Stories, part poo
Last week we pressed the shit button and our
users started telling stories like they were
on Ex-lax. Lots of long, involved stories about
poo for you to read:
http://b3ta.
* SHITTING OFF A BRIDGE - "I used to know a guy
called Marcus who defined the word disgusting.
After a very heavy night, Marcus found himself
on Richmond Bridge waiting for the train
station to open. Around 5am, rowers began
splashing their way upriver. In a moment of
sicko genius he decided to take a shit on them:
crouched on the concrete ledge, it took all his
concentration to control the push and balance
at the same time. It was all the more difficult
as he was physically trembling with laughter. A
subtle change in the sound of the boats as they
came under the bridge and his morning glory
took flight. "What the fuck?" "Errr, you sick
mother," came the shouts below. He'd managed a
direct hit on his first attempt. Laughing too
much, his balance started to go and despite
flapping arms, he almost instantly fell off the
bridge into the dirty water below. All credit
to the rowers - they pulled him ashore, made
sure he was alright... and then took turns
kicking any remaining shit out of his body. The
last thing he remembers was the expanding anus
of a burly rower about to take a shit on his
face." (kiss.me.where.
* WHAT'S GREEK FOR SHIT? - "On arrival on
Zakynthos, we were solemnly instructed to put
the tissue in the bin after wiping, and not
down the ancient Greek plumbing. 11 days later
we were talking about how sorry we felt for the
maids having to empty the used tissues from the
bin. Silence reigned for a couple of seconds,
then Suzi piped up, "Hang on, what do you mean
'putting tissue in the bin'? You haven't been
flushing your poo away, have you? You're not
meant to put any solids down the toilet or
it'll block the drains!" It turned out, that
Suzi hadn't listened very well. Instead of
passing her jobbies into the toilet, she'd been
diligently folding tissue paper in to her hand,
pooing on to that, and depositing the whole
shitty, tissuey mess in to the small bin by the
throne. She left the maid a big tip."
(Devil_In_Tights)
* THANK YOU VERY MUCH - "My ambulance was sent
to a woman complaining of abdominal pain. My
partner Fabio and I can handle a lot of gross
smells but this smelled like the patient had
done a shit, vomited into said shit, let it
ferment in piss for a week, added a heaped
tablespoon of vinegar flavoured rat cum and
then re-ingested the lot and shat it out again.
There was shit on the sofa, shit in the carpet,
shitty hand prints on the walls, shit all over
the patient (who had passed out and was lying
in the shitty shit) and there was shit in the
shit. Fortunately, my partner was patient care
officer on this job thus enabling me to tread
shit whilst alternately making fake dry
retching noises and laughing at his genuine
retching. About a week later we received a
thank-you card from the patient which
surprisingly did not smell of shit. She was
very embarrassed by the whole situation and was
profusely apologetic. Before my partner saw the
card I forged an extra line of writing which
said: "Fabio, did your thumb slip up my arse
because of the shit or was that just a way of
stopping me doing any more? Either way, it was
nice. Call me." I added a couple of brown thumb
prints to the card courtesy of Cadbury's. He
actually dry retched on reading it, which was
nice." (emadex)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your DIY disasters. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Fantastic MAD fold-ins <<
A classic feature of MAD magazine, and arguably
the best thing in it, fold over the pages to
reveal a hidden image and message by artist Al
Jafee. We were left a bit confused by some of
the more US-centric references, but it's all
very clever stuff indeed.
http://snipurl.
>> Ric Flair Finance <<
In the UK it's TV brainbox Carol Vorderman
inciting the poor to hazard their credit. The
US, however, prefers someone a little more...
energetic. The poor, sad little "woo" he adds
to his sales spiel made us feel sorry for him
though.
http://ricflairfina
>> Pretty, pretty light graffiti <<
Some truly impressive effects in this galley of
'light graffiti" culled from Flickr. To try it
yourself you'll need a torch, a camera with a
long exposure time and, er, darkness.
http://abduzeedo.
>> Incredible frivolous lawsuit guy <<
Jonathan Lee Ritches is a US convict who is
passing his lengthy jail term avenging himself
against the US court system with an endless
cycle of bizarre lawsuits. At last that's what
we assume. Cases range from suing Brad and
Angelina for kidnapping Madeleine McCann, to
going after Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner for
paying their taxes (which he alleged went to
funding his incarceration)
surreal joke, perhaps he's actually mentally
unwell... no-one can say for sure.
http://news.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitten goes to bed
"Oh to be a kitten", news TIAL, "where the
serious business of chasing a toy ends in
finding oneself neatly tucked away for bed
time."
http://snipurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
And remember next week, YOU could be the star!
>> Monkeys on Motorbikes <<
If we were wearing our PC hat, we'd say this is
animal exploitation, from dreadfully
economically-
entertainment of crass western tourists.
However, fuck it, we're B3ta, and it's a monkey
on a motorbike FFS! A monkey on a fucking
motorbike!!!
http://www.youtube.
>> Alien abduction <<
No one at B3ta HQ can drive a car or pass a
driving test, so imagine our mental trauma on
watching this rather fantastic short from
Pixar, Lifted. Shown before Ratatouille in the
cinema, and if you're one of the two people
left in the world who haven't caught that movie
yet, then watch that too, for it comes with our
prestigious 'ideal bank holiday' movie award.
http://www.cyberthi
>> Drunk Jeff Goldblum <<
In 1999 Jeff made a series of ads for Apple and
some naughty internet pixie has slowed down the
audio 30% to make him sound completely pissed.
Yourzzz mah besstestss frriendds etc etc.
http://www.youtube.
>> Orange peel teeth trick <<
We all did this as kids, but this man does with
an unnatural precision. He's rather too nifty
with a knife for comfort, and has the
worryingly precise air of Gunther von Hagens.
Still, nice to be reminded of a cute little
trick. We also recommend doing similar with
chewing gum and peanuts.
http://snipurl.
>> Walk of death <<
El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a
ruined path along the walls of a gorge in
Spain. After four people died at the turn of
the millennium, the local government closed off
the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker
and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild
side. Few vids make us as feel as sick as this.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Remember Noseybonk? <<
If you're British and in your 30s, you may
remember this from kids' telly. It's bloody
weird and only unintentionally funny. We're not
sure if the "nosegay" seeds was a deliberate
joke, but we certainly laughed out loud when
six giant cocks - we mean noses - sprouted from
their individual pots of muck.
http://uk.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring Amazonlols quarterly
* SPAAKY KIDS - Stephen Joyes belms, "My
brother had a leaflet posted through his door a
few weeks ago for a company called SPAAK. It's
not exactly a politically-
best of times but these people decided it would
make a good name for a children's
afterschool/
http://www.flickr.
* PENETRATING WAGNER'S RING - an oldie but
goldie from the 'amusing reviews on Amazon'
series via David Beckett. "When I initially
came across Wagner's Ring it was like a
revelation. I couldn't quite put my finger on
it - but I wanted to." etc. etc.
http://www.amazon.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the famous babies challenge
Last week we wanted to see famous people as
infants.
Your favourites included:
* MR BEAN - this image is terrifying (Pob_mk2)
http://www.b3ta.
* KERMIT - it was never easy being green,
especially in the early days (Beardo)
http://www.b3ta.
* SOCK - not just for Christmas (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Third World America <<
Use photoshop (or Microsoft Paint if you must)
to predict the effects of global recession on
the lovely US of A.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CELEB BABES IN THE STAR - Er... that would be
the UK tabloid covering b3ta's 'Celebrities as
Babies' image challenge - and with a nice
credit too. Amusingly, they do describe the
pics as the work of 'a computer whizz'.
http://www.b3ta.
* KENTISH TOWN MUSIC VIDEO - "In response to
your plea for NW5-based pop vids in last week's
newsletter," parps Seb, "here's the Ed
Wood-tastic promo for 'I Want To Go To Borneo',
the debut single by my band The Inconsolables.
QUAKE! as a giant hamster marauds around
Kentish Town, attacking taxis, phone booths and
quality ladies-wear emporium Blustons. GASP! in
amazement at the special FX. And WEEP! as Noel
Fielding gets nibbled to death."
http://www.youtube.
* NOB SIGS - Mikemystery answers our call for
cock and balls names with a brilliant example
from occult japester Aleister 'Great Beast'
Crowley. Can you uncover anything better? We're
told that Mohammed al-Fayed also has a phallic
sig but no examples were forthcoming.
http://tim.maroney.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Burn the rope
"Have you received about 5000 emails about this
yet?" asks tismselfstorage, "You should have.
It's the best game ever." Heh, he has a point,
we enjoyed it muchly and wonder if it's making
not-so-subtle reference to Portal.
http://www.mazapan.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ADULT-UP MOVIE - mictoboy ponders, "seeing
your link to porn cartoons got me thinking. I
reckon it must be possible to insert bits of
hardcore porn into otherwise tame sex scenes
from mainstream movies, to 'dirty up' the
sexiness - Last Tango in Paris with proper
money shots; Don't Look Now with anal
penetration. For my money it could seriously
improve otherwise rather dull cinema."
* RICKROLL BBC NEWS - greem requests, "I read
in your latest newsletter about the plan to
rickroll an entire railway station. Interesting
though this is, I think it can be taken
further. You may know that Radio 4's six
o'clock news starts with the chimes of Big Ben,
which are broadcast live from a microphone in
the clock tower. This microphone picks up other
sounds around Parliament as well - occasionally
you can hear a police siren going past. So, if
a large group of people were to assemble in
Parliament Square just before 6pm on a
pre-arranged day, and sing very loudly in the
general direction of Big Ben at the right
moment, they could successfully rickroll the
news." Heh, good plan, and we had no idea the
BBC were wasting OUR LICENCE PAYERS MONEY on
live broadcasts of the chimes when they could
just use a bloody tape.
* OVER EGGING THE PUDDING - thinking about this
odd little phrase and we've never eaten a
pudding with too many eggs. Maybe you'd like to
see what cake comes out like if you add 16
eggs? How many eggs is too many? Only science
knows the answer.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Just noticed that the BBC iPlayer
has a volume control that is one louder and
goes to 11. Stuff sent in by jessekillerkay,
gronkpan, neal.atkinson. Tip Topiary by "when
cutting your hedge into the shape of a penis,
take a photo of your cock for the model, rather
than waving your old chap all around the front
lawn." Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via HappyToast, mastheadlols from Ad7.
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TOP TIP:
If you're bored and want to find out something
amusing, go to www.imdb.com and in the search
criteria type in the word wanker. (Ravage
monster)
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SICKIPEDIA:
It's been confirmed that Dawn French has
contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease.
Doctors have given her 27 years to live.
http://www.sickiped
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