Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Freitag, 12. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "WE'RE STILL NOT DEAD. FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING"

This Week:
* VID - Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things
* CHAT - with ace film director Ben Wheatley
* APOCALYPSE - Your Letters of Last Resort

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the yak
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"

B3ta email 672 - 12 May 2017

Read this issue using your eye holes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue672

Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: HELLO AGAIN!

We were overwhelmed by the response last week.
So many people wrote in to say how pleased they
were to see us back so fuck it let's do it again.

This week we've got a HUGE Ben Wheatley interview,
A sweary bot, and some brilliant projects we
missed in our 18 month silence.

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: BEN WHEATLEY INTERVIEW
"I remember the first B3ta bash"

As we all know Ben was once a keen B3ta boarder
and now he's a successful film director. So what
better time to phone him up than 10am on a
Friday morning and start asking him questions?

It was lovely to chat with him - he's such a warm,
friendly chap - 45 minutes of joy.
http://b3ta.com/blog/ben-wheatley-interview/

BTW: We were so excited about committing to
Doing B3ta newsletter again we decided to
interview Wheatley, then it was so long, we had
to break it out into a blog format. Effectively
accidentally launching a blog. Oops!

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: BONUS JOKE
Getting a knighthood must be a lovely sirprize
@glowypanda

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: INTRODUCING THE SWEAR CLOCK
It's fucking time to cunting swear

Your Ginger Fuhrer has made a "swear clock"
Twitter bot. Follow it and get sweary time
updates every hour.

Recent highlights include:

* Hump My Minge With A Dr White Size One
Sanitary Towel It's 10:30AM

* Spunk On A Small Clay Pot It's 7:30PM

* Shit On My Penile Shaft And Call Me Nicholas
Witchell It's 1:30PM

It's a significant development in both swearing
and time telling technology.
http://twitter.com/swearclock

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than sinister threats to sheep

>> Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things <<
Dogfood has a made a totally nuts video that's
clearly parodying the viral videos - oh just
watch it, it's insane and will make your brain
hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437525

>> Have a Look <<
Chipping Sodbury writes, "Here's a compilation
of recent animated bits and pieces." This
fucking rocks and the quick turnaround of jokes
will keep you entertained. If only all comedy
was this pacey.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436473

>> Weird but good felted-art creations <<
Pagetty Pol writes, "I've made needle felted
version of my illustrations."
https://edclews.com/blog/needle-felted-animal-illustrations/

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: 'XYLOPHONE BUGGERY' VS A THESAURUS RANDOMISER

* Harpsichord penis fencing
* Pennywhistle anal sex
* Saxophone penis fencing
* Zither incest
* Clarinet felching

Yes. This is really how we spend our time.

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: B3TA PROJECTS FROM THE SILENCE
Great stuff you missed because no newsletter

Ok we were silent for 18 months but the b3tans
didn't stop creating so here's just two of the
best things they did. (There's loads more but it
would be nuts to list about 145 things in one
go.)

* WHAT LETTER WOULD YOU WRITE TO SUBMARINE
CAPTAINS ONLY TO BE READ IF UK WIPED OUT? Matt
Round writes "Apocalyptic nuclear dread is the
latest '80s thing to be back in fashion, so I
thought I'd add to the misery. And it's a weird
little secret thing, Theresa May might've drawn
a picture of a My Little Pony in hers for all we
know." This is so good and Matt Round is a
fucking genius. Fact.
https://mattround.com/letters-of-last-resort/

* DONALD TRUMP AS MR MEN. This from S4RK is so
good we read it to the official B3ta children.
Not even joking. They loved it.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11219672

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If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed
everything off it by now. @jelenawoehr

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE:
Make Corbyn Electable

Seeing as the The Labour Party can't do it we've
decided to get B3tans to help Jeremy Corbyn win
the election. It's in the bag now. The
professionals are here. Do your best B3tans -
your country depends on you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable/popular/

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: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS
But the fuck out of them NOW.

B3ta veteran Mushybees has been making t-shirts and
they are superb - she's making about 9 a day and
screen printing them by hand. You can see the
designs on the Flickr page and you want to order
some then contact her on twitter via @mushybees.

Designs include "vegan killjoy" and "fuck this shit":
https://www.flickr.com/photos/mushybees

In the interests of full disclosure we're partly
running this to get a free t-shirt ourselves - she
said she'd make us a "xylophone buggery" one, a
Buffy's Swearing T-shirt if you will.

She's well, thanks for asking - we went off
to see a comedy show with her the other day,
still the same old lovely pillock.

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: AFFILIATED LINK
Phone battery case - yes really
Our phone battery has gone up the shit-nozzle
and only lasts a few hours but we've found we
can get a full day out of it again by using a
case with a built-in battery. "But," you might
say "that'll make it heavier". You are right but
it works and it's easier than getting it fixed.
Shit solutions are us.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01L1C1ZF4/b3ta-21

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Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas?
To meter you. @sam_bambs

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: DELETED WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES WITH 'FREAKY' TITLES
All true

* Amazing face on rock that looks like hitler
* An article that contains nothing but a full stop
* An old dude who lives in Central America
* Being saddled with a bad husband
* BEWARE THE GREEN MONKEY
* Bring your Pez dispenser to work day
* Diarrhea of a genius
* Donald Trump (planet)
* Do you stock battletoads
* Geography of pigs
* Honey, We Disemboweled Grandma
* List of bands beginning with the word "lemon"

Many more here. Oh so many.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Deleted_articles_with_freaky_titles

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: HOW TO TALK COMEDY WRITER
A lexicon of words comedy writers make up to
Help their craft

* "STRAIGHT REVERSAL" - A joke construction
that's very useful in topical comedy, where the
premise of the gag is more or less a comical
inversion of a real news story. So, after the
day when the big topic was the doctor who was
dragged off a United Airlines flight,
Daftynews.com ran the spoof headline 'Outcry as
shocking scenes emerge of passenger being
dragged onto Ryanair flight'.

* "NOT THIS BUT" - When you suggest something
obvious, crap, or half-formed, hoping that it'll
get the idea ball rolling and lead to something
better.

* "ZAMMO" – a pop culture reference gag that
works in the writers' room but plays to painful
silence in front of a more youthful audience. This
comes from Charlie Brooker. On 10 O'Clock Live,
a joke was written which mentioned 'Zammo' at
the laugh point. It went down well with the
team, but Charlie delivered it to utter silence
on live TV. Nobody knew who the fuck Zammo was.

This and many more from Adny Riley - he who
wrote Bunny Suicides - on the best blog post
we've read in years. Needs to be a book, radio
show and talk. So good.
http://misterandyriley.com/2017/03/31/how-to-talk-comedy-writer-updated-2/

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Welcome to clickbait club. You're not going to
believe the first rule. @Nickkay180

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: SITES IN BEEF
Yes, linky bollocks for your clicky-lols

* The sign abusers are back again in Kettering
https://twitter.com/Dan_Lee85/status/862737368977199106

* So "Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the
House?" is an actual book!?
https://twitter.com/peterc/status/862756079775744000

* Are You "Pro Nuclear Holocaust and Freedom to
Masturbate in Public"? Herd of Chickens writes,
"but feel that there isn't a political party
that represents you? Of course you are, you are
on B3TA. Requires some time travel to vote."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_West_Surrey_by-election,_1984

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but even shittier

* With Eurovision upon us we're reminded of this
terrible, insane, brilliant entry from 2012
about "social media". Yes they didn't want to
say Twitter or Facebook and ended up with this
awkward mess. Glorious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqwBh9hq9PE

* A whole music video and tune made in 265 bytes
on a C64. Unbelievable.
https://linusakesson.net/scene/a-mind-is-born/

* BOB MORTIMER MAKES UP FUNNY SONG FOR TWITTER
Bootsthealchemist writes, "Bob Mortimer kicking
it large on Twitter."
https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/860874634144755714

* 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY - THE ANIMATED SERIES -
From the files of Mr Biffo's Found Footage comes
the long-lost pilot episode of Stanley Kubrick's
2001: A Space Odyssey - The Animated Series.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ie5KeMk7eg

* Concorde's Takeoff Inside the Cockpit:
http://b3ta.com/links/1438116

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Best Childhood Memories

OK - we'll experiment with bringing the QOTW
back shall we?

No promises it won't be shit. Let's give it a
go.

"I once sent a painting into Why Don't You."
says B3ta veteran Chickenlady. "They didn't show
it on the tv programme, or mention me at all,
but I got a nice letter back from them. That
made 5 year old me very happy."
http://b3ta.com/questions/BestChildhoodMemories

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

* IMPROVE TWITTER - Write code that retweets
A viral tweet AND mutes the conversation in one
click. Retire a millionaire.

* MAKE A VIDEO CLICKY PEN VIDEO - We just found
a song your newsletter team of Rob & Dave wrote
in 2009. Called "Clicky Pen.". It's about having
a clicky pen. We always meant to do a video for
it but then forgot. Maybe you can be arsed?
Maybe you can't, but it would make an old
newsletter team very happy.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/861913569612451840

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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES

* B3tan Dr Dunno is up for an award for a
magazine cover he designed - he who did the
brilliant Sgt Pepper 2016 death tapestry writes,
"You can vote every day on multiple devices and
browsers. I don't stand a chance because of
this. Can you imagine how many keyboard warriors
Empire or Pro Cycling will have voting every
day? Silly idea, public vote."
http://archive.ppa.co.uk/events/ppaawards2017/cover-of-the-year-voting/

* SHARDCORE'S BREXORCIST - 22nd May 2017 - Brighton.
B3tans will remember Shardcore - he once cooked
a pig's head and more recently he's made absolute
shitloads of bots. And now? He's made a musical
about Brexit. "The show is basically Alan Moore's
fault - he told us to stop procrastinating and do
Something - so we did this."
https://www.brightonfringe.org/box-office/shows/view/brexorcist

* WE ASKED FOR MPS WE STUPID NAMES - Gibberer
writes, "In the US we had 'Lawmakers Fry, Moore,
Bacon sponsor bill honoring pork producers' Also
Welcome back! You were missed!"

Thanks. We missed doing this shit too.

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevensons.

-------------------------------------------------
Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP: STRUGGLING TO BUY FAGS BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH?? - Take the tobacconist to
the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives
attempt to get on paying for a half fare ticket.
While the bus driver and tobacconist argue over
how old you are, go back to the shop and steal
the desired cigarettes. (HairyBaldy, 11 votes)

Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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Posted by: Rob Manuel <rob@b3ta.com>

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Mittwoch, 10. Mai 2017

VOL 1601 - MAY 10, 2017 - The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence

Sonntag, 7. Mai 2017

VOL 1600 - MAY 7, 2017 - Strange Insights and Nonsense

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

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MAY FUN !

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes About 'Attitude'

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. - Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of ,1965

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958), The Silver Stallion, 1926

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent. - Sophia Loren (1934 - )

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Strange Insights and Nonsense

1. ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

2. ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

3. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

4. ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

5. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

6. ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

6. ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

7. ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

8. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

9. ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

10. ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

11. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

12. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

13. ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

14. ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

15. ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

16. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

17. ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

18. ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

19. ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

20. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ...
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth

21. ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

22. ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

23. ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

24. ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

25. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE MILITARY PIXS - NORTH KOREAN SOLDIER IS TINY COMPARED TO US AND SOUTH KOREAN MEN! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202274.html

SNOW FUN - SPRING IN MINNESOTA - MOWING THE GRASS COVERED WITH SNOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202282.html

STRANGE FASHION ITEMS - JAPANESE DESIGNERS CREATE OPTICAL ILLUSION TOP TO MAKE YOUR BOOBS LOOK BIGGER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202283.html

CHINESE INSTALL PEDESTRIAN SPEED BUMPS TO SLOW PEOPLE DOWN TO ENJOY THE VIEW OF WATER TOWER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202284.html

STRANGE SPORTS PRANKS - PITCHER THROWS BASEBALL THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOWS OF A MOVING SPORTS CAR - CRAZY ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202285.html

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEPT OF NATURAL RESOURCES ABOUT THE DAM BEAVERS - HILARIOUS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202286.html

AWESOME FRONT ENTRANCE GATE - WROUGHT IRON RAILS AND GREAT BRIDGE SCENE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202287.html

STRANGE VEHICLE ACCESSORIES - SHOTGUN GEAR SHIFT TO SHOT YOU THROUGH YOUR 4 ON THE FLOOR! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202288.html

4000 YEARS LATER - NOTHING'S CHANGED - HIEROGLYPHICS THEN - EMOJI'S NOW! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202289.html

STRANGE OLDE CRIMINALS - 1920'S CROSS-DRESSING ROBBERS TARGET GAY US SERVICEMEN IN SYDNEY AUSTRALIA! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202290.html

SCARY - CHICAGO SCHOOL BUS AFTER RETURNING FROM A FIELD TRIP - BULLET RIDDLED! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202306.html

PROTESTERS IN VENEZUELA FORM A HUGE SHIELD WALL FROM POLICE! - LOOKS LIKE THE CRUSADES! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202307.html

1928 ROLLS ROYCE PICCADILLY - P1 ROADSTER - ONE OWNER DAILY DRIVER - 1 MILLION PLUS MILES! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202313.html

STRANGE RELIGIOUS ITEMS - BIZARRE SEE-THRU CHURCH! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202314.html

WOW - SCARY SUV ROLLOVER WITH NO SEAT BELTS ON PASSENGERS - THEY FLY OUT THE WINDOWS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202315.html

STRANGE ANIMAL PALS - FROG FAMILY RIDES ATOP BABY GATOR! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202316.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - STRETCH LIMOUSINES - WILD AND LONG - HIGH END LUXURY CARS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100366_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

How To Start A Fight! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202227.html

Strange Facts & Figures - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/181723.html

Top 10 Most Visited Famous Grave Sites - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/169754.html

How To Start a Fight - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/169753.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SP - DRUGS - Addicts - Marijuana - Cocaine - Crack - Dope

http://www.strangepolice.com/content/category/100398_1.html

==================================

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Because of a number of requests, we are becoming more active of both Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook. We will periodically be Tweeting the latest BEST or Most UNIQUE pictures. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOLLOWING US!

Please Click here to begin following: https://twitter.com/headstranger
https://www.facebook.com/pages/StrangeCosmoscom/278654660263

http://www.pinterest.com/headstranger/boards/

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Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

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Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

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Freitag, 5. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "Yes we can't quite believe it either but it's actually a B3ta newsletter"

This Week:
* YES WE'RE BACK! Hello again!
* VID - The Potato House returns
* GAME - Shunty Train
* READ - Sgt Pepper cover art fully explained

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still alive and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | have vague thoughts
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| about the internet"

B3ta email 671 - 05 May 2017

Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue671

Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: YES, WE'RE BACK

Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Thought I'd bash out
a newsletter for a couple of reasons

1. Noticed there was a few B3ta projects I
really liked and I felt guilty I wasn't telling
people about them

2. Wondered if there's any interest in us doing
this? Every fucker is writing newsletters these
days and we used to have a popular one and people
still ask us about it.

So here we are. A newsletter in a format that
was deliberately retro in 2001, publishing an
extra issue in 2017. Still in text. Still
without any modern stuff like bold text or
inline images.

Not promising this every week but hey, once
can't hurt [insert innuendo here Dave].

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam

>> PROJECT: Sgt Pepper Source Images <<
CCC writes, "I've been working on for
a while on locating the source images for the cut-
outs used on the cover of The Beatles' Sgt
Pepper (plus some Beatle-related background
info)." You might remember CCC from being the
Monkey Man of Tunbridge Wells - look that one up in
the archives.
https://sgtpepperphotos.wordpress.com/

>> VIDEO: Potato House <<
Sheep! writes, "The next iteration of my potato
light switch. Chips coming out of the plug
socket is especially useful when I'm too tired
to make dinner." This short video is doing /
has done well on social media (depending on
when you're reading this). Well done Sheep!
http://b3ta.com/links/1436142

>> GAME: Shunty Train <<
Spacefish writes, "It's a puzzle game where you
have to shunt carriages into the right order.
It's got pixels, you will like it. This was
made by MGT, Newington and a couple of other
b3ta folk; I just kind of egged them on and did
some passive aggressive code editing."
http://glastonbridge.com/games/shunty

>> SECOND GAME: The Great Yodel Parcel Hunt <<
Monkeon writes, "Where's Wally, but with Yodel
Safe Places." Yes! We've missed Monkeon's games
- may he make many more.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/parcelhunt/

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: GENERAL ELECTION IMAGE CHALLENGE
Keeping this open for the next few weeks

Of course we need to do an image challenge around
the election. It would be rude not to. Make sure
you join in, this stuff is the makings of
HISTORY.

The best entries so far are LIT AF - sorry we
mean woo and yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elections/popular/

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: REMEMBERING NOSTALGIA
Hey Hey 16k

@gasmanic writes:

"As of today, Hey Hey 16K by Mark Hibbett is now
as old as the ZX Spectrum was when Hey Hey 16K
was released."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3KE0EuzD4U

Your Ginger Fuhrer reminisces, "Wow. Watched
the video for first time in probably 10 years.
The terrible bit of clipart I used for the
family - the lump of the song I cut out because
I wanted it to be nippier (sorry), the crap
Frankie t-shirt I photoshopped in as a sop to
the 80s. Shame the edges show in that YouTube
version - they were cropped in the flash version
by HTML - buggers up the framing somewhat. But
mostly your great song!"

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: 11 THINGS THE NEW LIAM GALLAGHER LP SOUNDS LIKE
According to randoms on Twitter

Loved that the NME posed the question "What will
the new Liam Gallagher album sound like?" and
everyone took the absolute piss in the replies.

* An angry northern man having a very long
argument in a car park

* Like your second uncle who can't let go of the
90s and stinks of Stella Artois wanking over his
reflection on the mirror

* Like Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler!" in a
disabled toilet?

* Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from
the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
together – mass hysteria

* Like a massive arsehole trying to sound like
the Beatles?

* Hard Brexit

* Pick any albums by Ringo Starr or Bill Wyman,
get drunk, then splice them together

* A guide dog being mown down by a sputtering
tractor

* Like Ian Brown shat himself and started crying
in Argos

* Like Professor Stephen Hawking getting beheaded

* Like that time my cutlery drawer fell out and
landed on the ca

And in other Liam Gallagher news, the man
himself has taken to Twitter to reignite the
Brit-pop wars, "That gobshite out of blur might
have turned noel Gallagher into a massive girl
but believe you me nxt time i see him there's
gonna be war."

Liam. You're 44 years old. Grow up.

(These newsletter writers are 43. Yes, we know)

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: SPONSORED AD
Amazon echo (echo, echo, echo)

Go and buy some shit on Amazon and we'll get
about 50p on each purchase.

Er... but what? We actually do recommend the
Amazon Echo, it's a lot of fun even it spies on
you. What doesn't these days, eh? We've also
amused ourselves developing apps to make it
swear, but haven't got round to publishing
those.

Buy one. Really. Make us happy and commit
yourselves to corporate surveillance.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01GAGVIE4/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites? Nah, you're too young

* REAPPRAISING NINE LIVES - interesting thread
on the recent kids' movie where Kevin Spacey
played a man trapped inside a cat's body
suggesting it was literally made to talk to
Trump.
https://twitter.com/jackbern23/status/859883967306235905

* Love this poster design for a Bridgnorth pub -
bet we'll see this ripped off for loads of club
nights.
https://twitter.com/j0nezy87/status/859360617890811911

* This whole thread below these football
supporters. Amazing.
https://twitter.com/liam__whu/status/855441195270631424

* Optical illusion that'll make your brain hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436445

* The best pub review you'll read this year.
https://goo.gl/ZmRmst

-------------------------------------------------

BASIC is 53 years young this week!

10 INPUT "Whose birthday is it?",a$
20 GOSUB 100: GOSUB 100
30 PRINT "Happy Birthday dear";a$
40 GOSUB 100: END
100 PRINT "Happy birthday to you": RETURN

Please fork our code on GITHUB.
https://github.com/robmanuel/happybirthday/blob/master/happybirthday.bas

-------------------------------------------------

: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
Two biggest images from /board this week

* THERESA MAY AS CIG SMOKER - This from JimmerUK
went ballistic - the Twitter version scored
nearly 4k likes and shares and 600k+ views on
Facebook. And they were just the numbers we
could see, as it was widely copied onto other
accounts.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224887

JimmerUK says "I haven't been this internet
famous since I ate dog food." This is true,
JimmerUK did eat dog food for an old B3ta
newsletter. Ah, those were the days.
http://www.jimmeruk.com/Jim-Reports/catfood-vs-dogfood.html

* STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP - from the lovely
HappyToast who's done so much to keep the image
challenges going.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224582

-------------------------------------------------

How to improve your Twitter in 5 easy steps. Mute
the following terms:

Piers Morgan. Podcast. Nuggs. #BBCQT. Strong and
Stable Government.

-------------------------------------------------

: FIVE TWEETS FROM THE AMUSING "DANNY DYER BOT"

1. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's horniest firemen

2. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most spherical geese

3. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most respected horses

4. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most despicable geese

5. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's softest cats

Follow @dannydyerbot NOW:
https://twitter.com/dannydyerbot

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but on your compu... via the interne...
fuck it, this is just what TV is like now isn't
it?

* VIDEO OF PUB IN DONCASTER - this gets better
every second and looks like a top place to have
a night out.
https://twitter.com/Leonnoble82/status/859108441251618817

* ANIMATED DOODLES ON TOP OF VIDEOS - submitted by Dyllon
who says, "Trust me you'll like it." And the
B3tans indeed liked it. "I liked it," replied
Amadeus. You will like it too.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437429

* PRINCESS LEIA'S STOLEN DEATH STAR PLANS -
popular on the site and rated by viral genius
Dr Dunno but we just couldn't get through this.
But apparently you'll like it.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437340

-------------------------------------------------

: CLASSIC QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Nearly 14 years ago we asked you to tell us your
dad jokes and now many of you ARE dads and mums.
Blimey.

* 'Whenever I annoy him he dances about,
pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum,
I shagged your mum"' (Zak McFlimby)

* 'Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a
family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This
gets a giggle from the children, until he turns
to me and asks, quite calmly... "Should farts
have lumps?"' (Orin)

* 'I used to have a Saturday job in the men's
department of M&S. My Dad would come in and ask
the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you
seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".'
(butchbint)
http://b3ta.com/questions/dadjokes/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

To be honest 18 months is a bit much to cover
here so fuck it, here's some stuff that doesn't
fit in other sections. Pretty much how we always
used this bit.

* Your Ginger Fuhrer did a tweet that The Sun
Stuck in one of their articles. He then amused
himself by changing his name to "Fuck Off
Murdoch", so there was a fun three hours with
that on their website.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/859758042677751812

* Your man Andrew Wilcox is still doing his
wildly successful shed of the year and asking
for entries.
https://twitter.com/unclewilco/status/844148318150316032

* Joel Veitch is fine - we saw him the other day
on location of a short film he wrote! So
that's nice.

-------------------------------------------------

Remember: #BUMFriday = Block, Unfollow & Mute
BUM @piersmorgan BUM @KTHopkins BUM @Nigel_Farage
BUM the lot of them

-------------------------------------------------

: FAREWELL PRINCE PHILIP
Prince of Trolls

With Prince Philip stepping down from public
life (and The Sun erroneously announcing his
death) it's only right to remember him by a
handful of his most offensive, most trollish
sentences.

Take it away Phil!

* "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than
a wife, but they are doing the same thing."

* "People think there's a rigid class system
here, but dukes have even been known to marry
chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

* After being told that Madonna was singing the
Die Another Day theme in 2002: "Are we going to
need ear plugs?"

* On Ethiopian art, 1965: "It looks like the
kind of thing my daughter would bring back from
school art lessons."

* To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea,
1998: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

* To female sea cadet last year: "Do you work in
a strip club?"

* And finally his best ever line: To Susan
Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: "They have
eating dogs for the anorexic now."

-------------------------------------------------

: ALT NEWSLETTER TILES

* "A strong and stable newsletter for a strong
and stable internet" (Draconacticus )

* "Newsletter #1 for all the new cunts"
(robneymcplum)

* "Maddie McCann 10 Year Anniversiary Edition."
(Ouch, Marxist Pig, ouch!)

All your suggestions here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11225228

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

* LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THE FACEAPP THINGIE that
swaps gender - app that makes porn clips of hot
man/lady you. Support our kickstarter.

* A MUSIC LAWYER BREAKING DOWN HOW - The Cult
got away with having the same chorus on American
Horse as David Lee Rother did on Goin' Crazy.
Seriously, they are the same.

* A COMPENDIUM OF MPs WITH STUPID NAMES - no
else find it bad sitcom ridiculous that Fox /
Hunt are in the Tory cabinet? Like if Labour had
John Trade and Norman Union?

-------------------------------------------------

: WE ALSO ENJOYED THIS WEEK
The resignation of Andrew Turner MP

Particularly this highlight from his Wikipedia
page:

"On 14 August 2006, Turner was attending the
Isle of Wight County Show with his Jack Russell
Terrier, when he lost hold of the lead. The dog
escaped and attacked a four-year-old ferret who
had to be put down. Turner later apologised to
the ferret's owner."

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
Links via Barst amongst others.

-------------------------------------------------

: IF YOU ENJOYED THIS NEWSLETTER AND WANT MORE
Please donate to b3ta

Seriously. It costs us money to keep servers
going and stuff - bung us a couple of quid and
we might even write a few more newsletters and
not neglect the site so much.
http://b3ta.com/donate/

-------------------------------------------------

* Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

* Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

Seriously. Do this. REALLY.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP: VOYEURS! - Sit on your hand AND on your
penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking
someone else off. (sabre-tooth monkey)

Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

__._,_.___

Posted by: Rob Manuel <rob@b3ta.com>

Reply via web post

•

Reply to sender

•

Reply to group

•

Start a New Topic

•

Messages in this topic (2)

Have you tried the highest rated email app?

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• Privacy • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

__,_._,___

[b3ta] "Yes we can't quite believe it either but it's actually a B3ta newsletter"

"Yes we can't quite believe it either but it's actually a B3ta newsletter"
This Week:
* YES WE'RE BACK! Hello again!
* VID - The Potato House returns
* GAME - Shunty Train
* READ - Sgt Pepper cover art fully explained

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still alive and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | have vague thoughts
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| about the internet"

B3ta email 671 - 05 May 2017

Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue671

Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: YES, WE'RE BACK

Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Thought I'd bash out
a newsletter for a couple of reasons

1. Noticed there was a few B3ta projects I
really liked and I felt guilty I wasn't telling
people about them

2. Wondered if there's any interest in us doing
this? Every fucker is writing newsletters these
days and we used to have a popular one and people
still ask us about it.

So here we are. A newsletter in a format that
was deliberately retro in 2001, publishing an
extra issue in 2017. Still in text. Still
without any modern stuff like bold text or
inline images.

Not promising this every week but hey, once
can't hurt [insert innuendo here Dave].

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam

>> PROJECT: Sgt Pepper Source Images <<
CCC writes, "I've been working on for
a while on locating the source images for the cut-
outs used on the cover of The Beatles' Sgt
Pepper (plus some Beatle-related background
info)." You might remember CCC from being the
Monkey Man of Tunbridge Wells - look that one up in
the archives.
https://sgtpepperphotos.wordpress.com/

>> VIDEO: Potato House <<
Sheep! writes, "The next iteration of my potato
light switch. Chips coming out of the plug
socket is especially useful when I'm too tired
to make dinner." This short video is doing /
has done well on social media (depending on
when you're reading this). Well done Sheep!
http://b3ta.com/links/1436142

>> GAME: Shunty Train <<
Spacefish writes, "It's a puzzle game where you
have to shunt carriages into the right order.
It's got pixels, you will like it. This was
made by MGT, Newington and a couple of other
b3ta folk; I just kind of egged them on and did
some passive aggressive code editing."
http://glastonbridge.com/games/shunty

>> SECOND GAME: The Great Yodel Parcel Hunt <<
Monkeon writes, "Where's Wally, but with Yodel
Safe Places." Yes! We've missed Monkeon's games
- may he make many more.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/parcelhunt/

-------------------------------------------------

: GENERAL ELECTION IMAGE CHALLENGE
Keeping this open for the next few weeks

Of course we need to do an image challenge around
the election. It would be rude not to. Make sure
you join in, this stuff is the makings of
HISTORY.

The best entries so far are LIT AF - sorry we
mean woo and yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elections/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: REMEMBERING NOSTALGIA
Hey Hey 16k

@gasmanic writes:

"As of today, Hey Hey 16K by Mark Hibbett is now
as old as the ZX Spectrum was when Hey Hey 16K
was released."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3KE0EuzD4U

Your Ginger Fuhrer reminisces, "Wow. Watched
the video for first time in probably 10 years.
The terrible bit of clipart I used for the
family - the lump of the song I cut out because
I wanted it to be nippier (sorry), the crap
Frankie t-shirt I photoshopped in as a sop to
the 80s. Shame the edges show in that YouTube
version - they were cropped in the flash version
by HTML - buggers up the framing somewhat. But
mostly your great song!"

-------------------------------------------------

: 11 THINGS THE NEW LIAM GALLAGHER LP SOUNDS LIKE
According to randoms on Twitter

Loved that the NME posed the question "What will
the new Liam Gallagher album sound like?" and
everyone took the absolute piss in the replies.

* An angry northern man having a very long
argument in a car park

* Like your second uncle who can't let go of the
90s and stinks of Stella Artois wanking over his
reflection on the mirror

* Like Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler!" in a
disabled toilet?

* Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from
the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
together – mass hysteria

* Like a massive arsehole trying to sound like
the Beatles?

* Hard Brexit

* Pick any albums by Ringo Starr or Bill Wyman,
get drunk, then splice them together

* A guide dog being mown down by a sputtering
tractor

* Like Ian Brown shat himself and started crying
in Argos

* Like Professor Stephen Hawking getting beheaded

* Like that time my cutlery drawer fell out and
landed on the ca

And in other Liam Gallagher news, the man
himself has taken to Twitter to reignite the
Brit-pop wars, "That gobshite out of blur might
have turned noel Gallagher into a massive girl
but believe you me nxt time i see him there's
gonna be war."

Liam. You're 44 years old. Grow up.

(These newsletter writers are 43. Yes, we know)

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED AD
Amazon echo (echo, echo, echo)

Go and buy some shit on Amazon and we'll get
about 50p on each purchase.

Er... but what? We actually do recommend the
Amazon Echo, it's a lot of fun even it spies on
you. What doesn't these days, eh? We've also
amused ourselves developing apps to make it
swear, but haven't got round to publishing
those.

Buy one. Really. Make us happy and commit
yourselves to corporate surveillance.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01GAGVIE4/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites? Nah, you're too young

* REAPPRAISING NINE LIVES - interesting thread
on the recent kids' movie where Kevin Spacey
played a man trapped inside a cat's body
suggesting it was literally made to talk to
Trump.
https://twitter.com/jackbern23/status/859883967306235905

* Love this poster design for a Bridgnorth pub -
bet we'll see this ripped off for loads of club
nights.
https://twitter.com/j0nezy87/status/859360617890811911

* This whole thread below these football
supporters. Amazing.
https://twitter.com/liam__whu/status/855441195270631424

* Optical illusion that'll make your brain hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436445

* The best pub review you'll read this year.
https://goo.gl/ZmRmst

-------------------------------------------------

BASIC is 53 years young this week!

10 INPUT "Whose birthday is it?",a$
20 GOSUB 100: GOSUB 100
30 PRINT "Happy Birthday dear";a$
40 GOSUB 100: END
100 PRINT "Happy birthday to you": RETURN

Please fork our code on GITHUB.
https://github.com/robmanuel/happybirthday/blob/master/happybirthday.bas

-------------------------------------------------

: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
Two biggest images from /board this week

* THERESA MAY AS CIG SMOKER - This from JimmerUK
went ballistic - the Twitter version scored
nearly 4k likes and shares and 600k+ views on
Facebook. And they were just the numbers we
could see, as it was widely copied onto other
accounts.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224887

JimmerUK says "I haven't been this internet
famous since I ate dog food." This is true,
JimmerUK did eat dog food for an old B3ta
newsletter. Ah, those were the days.
http://www.jimmeruk.com/Jim-Reports/catfood-vs-dogfood.html

* STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP - from the lovely
HappyToast who's done so much to keep the image
challenges going.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224582

-------------------------------------------------

How to improve your Twitter in 5 easy steps. Mute
the following terms:

Piers Morgan. Podcast. Nuggs. #BBCQT. Strong and
Stable Government.

-------------------------------------------------

: FIVE TWEETS FROM THE AMUSING "DANNY DYER BOT"

1. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's horniest firemen

2. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most spherical geese

3. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most respected horses

4. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most despicable geese

5. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's softest cats

Follow @dannydyerbot NOW:
https://twitter.com/dannydyerbot

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but on your compu... via the interne...
fuck it, this is just what TV is like now isn't
it?

* VIDEO OF PUB IN DONCASTER - this gets better
every second and looks like a top place to have
a night out.
https://twitter.com/Leonnoble82/status/859108441251618817

* ANIMATED DOODLES ON TOP OF VIDEOS - submitted by Dyllon
who says, "Trust me you'll like it." And the
B3tans indeed liked it. "I liked it," replied
Amadeus. You will like it too.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437429

* PRINCESS LEIA'S STOLEN DEATH STAR PLANS -
popular on the site and rated by viral genius
Dr Dunno but we just couldn't get through this.
But apparently you'll like it.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437340

-------------------------------------------------

: CLASSIC QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Nearly 14 years ago we asked you to tell us your
dad jokes and now many of you ARE dads and mums.
Blimey.

* 'Whenever I annoy him he dances about,
pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum,
I shagged your mum"' (Zak McFlimby)

* 'Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a
family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This
gets a giggle from the children, until he turns
to me and asks, quite calmly... "Should farts
have lumps?"' (Orin)

* 'I used to have a Saturday job in the men's
department of M&S. My Dad would come in and ask
the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you
seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".'
(butchbint)
http://b3ta.com/questions/dadjokes/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

To be honest 18 months is a bit much to cover
here so fuck it, here's some stuff that doesn't
fit in other sections. Pretty much how we always
used this bit.

* Your Ginger Fuhrer did a tweet that The Sun
Stuck in one of their articles. He then amused
himself by changing his name to "Fuck Off
Murdoch", so there was a fun three hours with
that on their website.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/859758042677751812

* Your man Andrew Wilcox is still doing his
wildly successful shed of the year and asking
for entries.
https://twitter.com/unclewilco/status/844148318150316032

* Joel Veitch is fine - we saw him the other day
on location of a short film he wrote! So
that's nice.

-------------------------------------------------

Remember: #BUMFriday = Block, Unfollow & Mute
BUM @piersmorgan BUM @KTHopkins BUM @Nigel_Farage
BUM the lot of them

-------------------------------------------------

: FAREWELL PRINCE PHILIP
Prince of Trolls

With Prince Philip stepping down from public
life (and The Sun erroneously announcing his
death) it's only right to remember him by a
handful of his most offensive, most trollish
sentences.

Take it away Phil!

* "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than
a wife, but they are doing the same thing."

* "People think there's a rigid class system
here, but dukes have even been known to marry
chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

* After being told that Madonna was singing the
Die Another Day theme in 2002: "Are we going to
need ear plugs?"

* On Ethiopian art, 1965: "It looks like the
kind of thing my daughter would bring back from
school art lessons."

* To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea,
1998: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

* To female sea cadet last year: "Do you work in
a strip club?"

* And finally his best ever line: To Susan
Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: "They have
eating dogs for the anorexic now."

-------------------------------------------------

: ALT NEWSLETTER TILES

* "A strong and stable newsletter for a strong
and stable internet" (Draconacticus )

* "Newsletter #1 for all the new cunts"
(robneymcplum)

* "Maddie McCann 10 Year Anniversiary Edition."
(Ouch, Marxist Pig, ouch!)

All your suggestions here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11225228

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

* LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THE FACEAPP THINGIE that
swaps gender - app that makes porn clips of hot
man/lady you. Support our kickstarter.

* A MUSIC LAWYER BREAKING DOWN HOW - The Cult
got away with having the same chorus on American
Horse as David Lee Rother did on Goin' Crazy.
Seriously, they are the same.

* A COMPENDIUM OF MPs WITH STUPID NAMES - no
else find it bad sitcom ridiculous that Fox /
Hunt are in the Tory cabinet? Like if Labour had
John Trade and Norman Union?

-------------------------------------------------

: WE ALSO ENJOYED THIS WEEK
The resignation of Andrew Turner MP

Particularly this highlight from his Wikipedia
page:

"On 14 August 2006, Turner was attending the
Isle of Wight County Show with his Jack Russell
Terrier, when he lost hold of the lead. The dog
escaped and attacked a four-year-old ferret who
had to be put down. Turner later apologised to
the ferret's owner."

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
Links via Barst amongst others.

-------------------------------------------------

: IF YOU ENJOYED THIS NEWSLETTER AND WANT MORE
Please donate to b3ta

Seriously. It costs us money to keep servers
going and stuff - bung us a couple of quid and
we might even write a few more newsletters and
not neglect the site so much.
http://b3ta.com/donate/

-------------------------------------------------

* Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

* Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

Seriously. Do this. REALLY.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP: VOYEURS! - Sit on your hand AND on your
penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking
someone else off. (sabre-tooth monkey)

Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

__._,_.___

Posted by: Rob Manuel <rob@b3ta.com>

Reply via web post

•

Reply to sender

•

Reply to group

•

Start a New Topic

•

Messages in this topic (1)

Have you tried the highest rated email app?

Visit Your Group

New Members 2

• Privacy • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

__,_._,___

Mittwoch, 3. Mai 2017

VOL 1599 - MAY 3, 2017 - How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change Light Bulb?

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

---------------------------------------

MAY FUN !

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Animal Quotes:

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. ~George Eliot

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~Nora Ephron

An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~Martin Buber

Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. - Michael Friedman

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's another thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change Light Bulb?

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

YOUR GOVERNMENT IN ACTION - ONCE AGAIN PROVING HOW USELESS THEY ARE - TREES GETTING WATERED IN THE RAIN! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/202252.html

NORTH KOREA MAP - DETAILS OF ALL CITIES AND RAILWAYS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202260.html

STRANGE SHOES - CROCS WITH A FURRY TOP - WHY? - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202262.html

BEACH FUN - NOW THAT IS A REAL SAND CASTLE - RAMPARTS AND ALL! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202264.html

STRANGE SPORTS - BEER HOLDING COMPETITION - BLOND WITH BIG ARMS HOLDING TWO HUGE MUGS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202266.html

STRANGE COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC STARS - CHECK OUT TAYLOR SWIFT IN 1989 - WHAT A HOTTIE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202267.html

COMMERCIAL AIRLINER LANDING GEAR NOSE CAMERA SHOWS TAKEOFF FROM MUNICIPAL AIRPORT - COOL ACTION GIF! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202268.html

STUPID TATTOO'S - GIRLS MISSPELLED BACK TATTOO NOTICED AT HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202269.html

MILITARY FUN - US AIR-FORCE IN NORTH KOREA - 20 F-18'S - HELICOPTER - TRANSPORT LINES UP ON RUNWAY - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202270.html

US NAVY AIRCRAFT CARRIER NEAR NORTH KOREA - USS CARL VINCENT - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202271.html

MOTHER OF THE YEAR NOMINEE - TARTED UP MORON MOM WALKING HER LITTLE BOY ON A LEASH LIKE A PET DOG! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202272.html

STRANGE ANIMAL DANGERS - GIANT PANDA BEAR IN THE ZOO RIPS OFF VISITORS JACKET - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202275.html

STRANGE MOVIE MISTAKES - MAN IN COWBOY HAT APPEARS BEHIND JOHNNY DEPP IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202276.html

STRANGE OLDE DRIVING LESSONS - 3 SPEED TRANSMISSION STICK SHIFT ON THE COLUMN DIRECTIONS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202277.html

DANGEROUS SELFIES - MORON TAKES A SELFIE WITH A DEADLY COBRA! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202278.html

DUMB CRIMINAL VIDEOS - FAT DUFASS PULLS DOWN MASK AFTER APPEARING ON SURVEILLANCE CAMERA - WHAT A MORON! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202279.html

STRANGE SHOES AND FOOTWEAR - SPIKED HIGH HEELS DOUBLE AT DANGEROUS DEFENSE HAMMER WHEN GRIPPED THRU THE FINGER HOLES ON THE BOTTOM! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/191657.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SS - DANGEROUS ACCIDENTS - ALL KINDS - NASTY!

http://www.strangesports.com/content/category/100030_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week:

- Word Fun - Vagaries of The English Language - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202221.html

- Escaped North Korean Guard Details Brutal Torture In Kim Jong Un's Death Camps - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/202241.html

- 21 Things a Burglar Won't Tell You - Home Security and Self Defense Tips - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/191536.html

- Top 15 Strangest Coincidences - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/126470.html

- Colonoscopy - Which Body Part Should be in Charge? - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/130131.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SZ - ELEPHANTS - RHINOS - HIPPOS - African - Circus Acts - Babies

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100674_1.html

==================================

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Because of a number of requests, we are becoming more active of both Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook. We will periodically be Tweeting the latest BEST or Most UNIQUE pictures. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOLLOWING US!

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Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike

Freitag, 12. Mai 2017

[b3ta] "WE'RE STILL NOT DEAD. FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING"

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VOL 1601 - MAY 10, 2017 - The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence

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Mittwoch, 3. Mai 2017

VOL 1599 - MAY 3, 2017 - How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change Light Bulb?

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