This Week:
* SCARY - Man dressed as bat
* SPACKY - 2-frame animations
* QUIZ - with Quizipedia
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B3ta email 404 - 13 NOV 2009
Now available on WAP:
http://b3ta.
Subs: b3ta-subscribe@
Suggs: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Hardest hockey shot ever!
"Sporting disasters don't get much better than
this - thankfully someone was on hand with a
camera to record it for internet lulz."
http://www.youtube.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then "talk" to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
CSI, 2-frames and a bucket of shit
>> CSI Enhancer <<
"Now you can enhance any image with the
advanced technology seen in CSI!" proclaims
Bobsworth. Of course, "if you're familiar with
CSI, you should know that enhancing involves
typing quickly while saying 'Enhance'."
http://bobsworthind
>> Spacky Facebook animations <<
"I always get a giddy rush every time I find
two Facebook photos that were taken seconds
apart," gushes Reverend Dan. "I can spend
literally minutes just flicking back and forth
between pictures and giggling like a Japanese
schoolgirl. I want this to be a hub for
two-frame spackiness:"
http://fbanimations
>> Bucket of Shit <<
Joel's joyful panda sings how much he enjoys
collecting turds. It's nice to see someone
happy in their work.
http://www.rathergo
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Teenage Crushes Pt2
Last week we asked for the teenage crushes
that still make you go wobbly at the knees:
http://b3ta.
* LACEY - "I've known her for five odd years.
We've always been good friends. She was and
is perfect. Stunning, funny, clever, great
taste in music and she doesn't take the piss
like everyone else does about the fact I lurve
Deal or No Deal. I've always fancied the pants
off her. Always. You know when you deny it to
yourself, and tell yourself you don't, but
deep down, despite not even admitting it inside,
you can't stop thinking about someone? That
was me. Six months ago, give or take, I finally
managed to confront my feelings. I was head
over heels and thought about her all day every
day. She dropped me a text one afternoon that
simply said "I'm coming over, I want to see you
x". Gulp. What the hell did that mean? We
talked for hours as we were cuddled up on the
sofa. Then she revealed that she fancied a lad
a couple months back and he knocked her back.
She showed me a picture of him on the laptop.
Nothing special by any means. I told her that
as I went to get a couple of drinks. "Lacey.
You're perfect, any man would be the luckiest
person alive if he had the chance to go out
with you". She stared at me for a moment, like
never before. I could see she was looking at me
like I'd always looked at her. "Well then, who
do you think I should go out with?" There it
was. My moment. And you know what? I bottled it.
I couldn't even tell you what I said because
I can't remember. All I know was it that was
some inane drivel. She's going out with an
idiot now." (Barry from Eastenders)
* CLASSY - "Erm, you want to talk to a girl,
you know, pay her a compliment, make her feel
special. What the fuck do you say? This is the
sort of shit that raced through my mind, aged
twelve, at the school disco when I caught sight
of Amy Bell, as she bopped merrily away to New
Kids on the Block, her twelve year old bosom
heaving against the finest wrinkly acetate of
her red C & A dress like two eager puppies
competing for attention. I approached, dry
mouthed, Amy was fucking lovely. She was
perfect. A fucking angel. She even used her
knife AND fork when she was shovelling down her
school dinners. We're talking posh. Really
fucking posh. She probably had a butler in her
semi on the outskirts of Duston, Northampton.
Amy stopped bopping, she stared at me with her
quirky lopsided smile. THINK OF A FUCKING
COMPLIMENT YOU PRICK! My brain ached. I felt
sick. Too much Tizer, way too many sausage
rolls and bits of cheddar on cocktail sticks.
That's when I learned that, whatever you do,
whatever you say, never ever ever start a
conversation with a girl you fancy with:
"Just want to let you know that when I wank
I'm almost always thinking about you..." a
sexy pause, maybe raise the eyebrow a little
a la Roger Moore, then finish with "and
you're always naked." (SpankyHanky)
* MONKEY - "I can trace my sexual awakening
back to when Michaela Strachan had a monkey
do a piss on her shoulders during The Really
Wild Show." (ihaveab3tanamenow)
>> This Week's Question <<
Inspired by Pooster's story of a relative that
was once sent to the shops to buy an onion,
only to find the rest of the family had gone on
a daytrip while he was away, tell us your
stories of families at war:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> ANSI art show <<
This stuff is basically old-school underground
nerd art. With self-imposed technical
restraints and distinctive aesthetic, it's kind
of a cross between graffiti and classic console
artwork.
http://blocktronics
>> Quizipedia <<
Can you guess the Wikipedia article being
quoted before your time runs out? Genius idea
for a quick-fire quiz.
http://quizipedia.
>> Stormtroopers' day off <<
Charming stuff, like the Borrowers turned to
the Dark Side. Tiny Star Wars figurines frolic
around the house and on the beach.
http://snurl.
>> Animals with lightsabers <<
Already bored with animal pics on the web? Time
to SFX them up.
http://tinyurl.
>> 'New Beatles album' <<
Incredible stuff - a Beatles album from a
parallel dimension where the Fab Four never
broke up. Or so it says here.
http://thebeatlesne
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Don your 2D glasses nowww!
>> Scary 'bat-man' <<
Bloke (we assume) dresses up as a bat then goes
around scaring the absolute crap out of people.
If you ever doubted how effectively the
comicbook hero could put the wind up people...
http://snurl.
>> Epic mascot dance at half-time <<
Basketball mascot goes way beyond the call of
duty at a match half-time celebration. Way
beyond.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Amazing slow-mo water drop <<
Unless you have some sort of PhD in dropping
water into a bath, this footage is eye-opening.
We genuinely didn't know that's what happens.
http://www.youtube.
>> Hot girls falling over <<
Titillation turns slapstick. Yes, we would like
to see more of this please. Surely a win for
both men and women, combining 'Phwoar' with 'Ha!'
http://www.break.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Next to the naughty step
* IC NOTTING - "I took this photo in a Dutch
eye surgery ward," explains Caustic Armadillo.
Surely a gag. Surely to goodness.
http://www.b3ta.
* JOHN DICKENBURGER - "There's a woman at my
company with the same surname," confides
Chemistry Dan, "But I'd get the boot if I sent
her in."
http://www.worldper
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fake History Challenge
Last week we wanted to see how famous
historical events were faked
Your favourites included:
* EINSTEIN - in which physics' most
famous equation turns out to be an
order for lunch (Redsushi! Whoop!
Whoop!)
http://www.b3ta.
* EGYPTIANS - that who built the pyramids
mystery? Solved, once and for all
(Brian O'Blivion )
http://www.b3ta.
* 1966 - England's one moment of
footballing glory exposed as a sham
(OneForTheRoad)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Goodies & Baddies <<
Back in 2003 we ran a classic "when
baddies turn good" challenge, and now
we're revisiting it. Also welcome are
pictures of the opposite, when goodies
turn bad. Challenge suggested by
HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FISH/CHIP THERMODYNAMICS - We asked the best
way to keep fish and chips warm on the way back
from the shop. Snitchell tells us to "imagine a
thermos flask: protected by an air gap - but
the air cannot flow, and retains its insulating
properties. Therefore, keep your
whale-and-tatty treasure under your jumper for
maximum shop-to-home heat retention." And
leaving your clothes enticingly aromatic -
lovely.
* WINEBOX RESCUE - "Dear b3ta," begins Martin.
"As you have some influence, can you ask the
bag-in-box wine producers to create a tear-off
strip on the cardboard carton to access the
last 1/2 litre that you have to mutilate the
box to get?
"The market of people who are after this
product are in no state to be handling sharp
knives to get at the sweet, sweeeet booze."
This is an excellent idea, and we have the
scars to prove it.
* ANCIENT SHOWBIZ GOSS - The other week's 80s
Simon Cowell quizshow appearance prompted Camp
Freddy to get in touch:
"Back at the end of the 80s/early 90, one of my
very jobs was working as Simon Cowell's
secretary. (I then went on to work for Jive
Bunny so no pity please).
"Some of the jobs included forging/signing
Sinitta's photos for fans and taking his
Porsche to the garage for a service. I also
somehow got an invite to Simon's brother
Nicholas' wedding, prob cos I was quite
friendly with the bride.
"Which leads me to the video - Simon's
sister-in-law had her boobs done and tried to
become a dolly on quiz shows. I spotted her
bringing Simon onto the show at the very
beginning so I suspect that she was the reason
that he was on the show. I wonder if they had a
sudden cancellation and put Simon in their
place - it certainly wasn't in his character
then to be on a quiz show. And it was extra
funny that he didn't want to spend any money on
the show - clearly thought it was all crap!"
Hahaha - love it! We could be like popbitch in
1987!
* SPANX CHALLENGE - TDub boasts, "I am proud to
report I squoze my 22 stone and 12 pound ass
into 4 pairs of the same size, but then I
stopped breathing so I had to quit."
Impressive, but where are the photos, dude (or
lady)? Please send pics to brighten the day of
b3ta wife Lucy!
* SWEARY MORSE CODE - "The Morse code mp3 from
last week's newsletter that spells cuntflaps?"
inquires sandettie light vessel automatic. "I
put it on my phone as the SMS ringtone. I was
in Asda earlier and Mrs SLVA sent me a text, my
phone beeped furiously sweary and I heard
someone in the next aisle say 'I can hear a
B3tan!' It made my day." Yay! And in case you
missed it - that mp3 link again:
http://www.kaled.
* UNIQUE CHILD NAME THINGY - We asked for a way
of helping a child to google searchrank sucess,
without burdening them with a name like
'Jackkkkkque'
what you want," offers Leigh. "Stick in your
surname and a forename and it'll tell you how
many other people are likely to have the same
combo. Apparently I'm unique in the UK, but I
knew that anyway!"
http://www.tracesma
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: FRIDAY GAME
Small Worlds
"Sea Dave has made this wonderful, melancholic
pixely game about exploring," boasts
stallion_explosion. "It won the cgdc6
competition, which means Sea Dave is the most
awesome person on the planet." The aim of the
game is simply to look everywhere until you
find the exit to the next level.
http://www.rathergo
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KATEY OR ZOOEY? - "Zooey Deschanel and Katy
Perry both look pretty fucking similar, don't
you think? Why don't you get someone to do one
of those picture quizzes where we have to guess
who is who?" (smokinfish) Yes! This could have
a song, 'Katy or Zooey - do know knowy - can
you tell, which one's Deschanel?'
* RECYCLING CONSPIRACY? "I believe that my
painstakingly-
off and buried in the nearest hole in the
ground. I once got up before 11 o'clock and saw
the council pick it up in a regular bin lorry.
As conspiracy theories go this isn't the
grandest, but I just want to know the truth.
Any whistleblowers out there?"
(nonproffessional)
* WAR MEMORIAL MAPPER - "I saw a news report
today saying that the government does not know
how many war memorials there are in the UK and
where they are. Perhaps some cleverer b3tans
than I, could set up some Google Maps type
mash-up and get people to plot war memorials on
a map. Then the government would have no excuse
in maintaining them properly!" (babadman)
* TWITTER-SHITTER - "See how many people you
can get following your toilet habits in the
stylee of the Big Ben tweets. I want tweets on
when you go, how big it was, consistancy, and
extra marks for links to a pic. Nothing more,
nothing less." (Mong the Merciless)
* ACTOR DEATH-PREDICTOR - "I'm wondering if any
of the b3ta code wizards could somehow come up
with a web site which shows how many
in-movie-death roles an actor had leading up to
their real life death, and by extrapolation,
predict which actor will snuff it next? My
money is on Jack Nicholson." (Gingey)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by sancelle, Lord_Munkee and
@monkeyXplosion
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Mitochondrians to b4ta. (brackets)
subjlols via dvstec808.
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: SICKIPEDIA:
Thanks again to everybody who came to the first
ever Sickipedia comedy night. It was excellent
fun with some really good acts. If you missed
it, top camera guy Joe Rigby videoed
proceedings and here are four of the
evening's highlights:
http://www.robmanue
