This Week:
* MUSIC - Jeremy Clarkson beatbox
* INTERVIEW - Kunt speaks
* PICS - Obama + unicorns
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're are the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web... We are the
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B3ta email 389 - 31 Jul 2009
Read this issue again slowly:
http://b3ta.
Ribena: b3ta-subscribe@
Human Blood: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Meet Richard Conway.
He has just been informed he has officially won
the position of Globe Trotter for
lastminute.com. His job? To travel the world
across 8 different continents. His task? To
blog about it. Easy? We think so. Jealous?
Definitely. Check out his travel musings this
summer:
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Clarkson, Kunt & 70s Tampons
>> Clarkson Beatbox <<
"I made Clarkson into a musical instrument,"
brags an exhausted Swede Mason. "Making this
nearly drove me mental." If this doesn't make
you smile then you are dead in side. Dead!
http://www.b3ta.
>> Kunt & the Gang <<
B3ta's long-awaited interview with the
gold-toothed Essex ubermensch is ready to read.
He's taken the time to come up with some good
retorts to our silly questions.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Period Piece <<
Something of a coup for betamalespicnic with
this recently-discovered roll of film from the
shoot of a 1973 commercial for Flovia Tampons.
http://www.b3ta.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Ready Steady Microwave
The latest in our elite stream of games made by
b3tans for e4. Monkeon challenges you to guess
what kind of ready-meal you're looking at, from
a close-up of the actual package contents.
Gruesome but fun.
http://www.e4.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Are you scared of the dark?
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about darkness and hope you
wouldn't make rubbish puns that finished with
the line, "I believe in a thing called love."
http://www.b3ta.
* MOVING STORY THAT YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT FROM
B3TA - "We had only a couple of hours in which
to see Dylan at the funeral home before the
coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be
there looked at his handsome face for the last
time and left in tears. He was so young.
"I stayed a long time, ruffling his hair and
telling him that I loved him and was not angry
with him. His hair was the longest I'd ever
seen it - he was growing it, it seems, for the
first time.
"After a while, I realised that I was still
there because I couldn't leave. I couldn't
leave him alone there without anyone he loved
to hold his hand or whisper that it was all
right, I'm here and you're safe.
"This was a problem which I needed to solve. So
I called Rob the funeral director in and
explained, and he understood.
"Dylan was never afraid of the dark as a child
- well, a little, but he was very brave - so I
kissed and hugged him for a last time, then
stood by the door and said, goodnight Dyl, I'll
see you in the morning, and Rob put out the
lights, one by one, just on cue. I couldn't see
Dylan any more then and quietly closed the door
and tiptoed away, just as when he was a little
boy." (Juan Quar) (We feel sad now, gosh.)
* TESCO VALUE STAR WARS - "I love driving in
the dark when it's snowing. I pretend I am in
the Millennium Falcon." (scarpe)
* GOOD PRANK - "After spending a lovely boozy
night out with my friend Ana we had made it
back to her flat in a bit of a silly mood.
"Zigzagging up her garden path Ana was at the
front door struggling with her keys while I
wandered up to the living room window and spied
her hubby and his mates all crashed out on the
sofas watching a film.
"I noticed what they were watching on the TV,
it was The Ring. Ahaahahahaaaaa thought I –
bloody brilliant! Seeing as I had seen the film
already I knew roughly how far they were into
it and I realised that in about 5 minutes time
the phone would ring on the screen. I rummaged
crazily for my mobile whilst filling in Ana on
my dastardly plan.
"The second the phone appeared on the screen
and we could just about hear it ringing through
the window I frantically rang Ana's other half
and we prayed that he had his mobile phone near
him… he did. We watched with glee as all the
guys started giggling nervously and pointed at
his phone. He picked it up, pressed the call
button and I put on my best spooky voice and
whispered `In seven days you will die' I then
hung up the phone and me and Ana threw
ourselves against the window in unison, scaring
the shit out of every guy in the room and
making them produce high pitch squeals that
would make a 4 year-old girl proud!!
"It goes down in history as being the most
successful prank I have every played to this
day and if mentioned around the boys it always
receives the same response – `we knew it was
you, I wasn't scared'… sure, sure! Mwah ha
haaaa!" (Flim-Flam the Magnificent)
>> This Week's Question <<
This week we'd like to thank John Warburton
(look him up on Wikipedia) who suggested
"mobile phone disasters."
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> When bitter creatives make websites <<
Anyone who has a boss should be able to relate
to this extraordinarily-
depiction of the crap you have to put up when
you submit your work at a digital agency.
Would-be bosses: Know when to leave your
subordinates' work alone.
http://businessguys
>> Obama with unicorns <<
Unicorns are a bit memey on the old internets,
shorthand for twee mentalism. They're all the
better for accompanying a rather homoerotic
President Obama. We wonder how many people have
tweeted this to the Prez already? Maybe he's
looking at this page right now on his
Blackberry? And wanking.
http://snipurl.
>> Top ten most racist toys <<
The film Ghost World first alerted us to the
intriguing history of racist art. This lead us
to brief googling obsession that unearthed such
gems as Walt Disney's "Song of the South"
reviled for the "impression it gives of an
idyllic master-slave relationship"
know the first box office smash to earn $10m
was the KKK celebration "Birth of a
Nation." On a similar tip comes this list of
kiddies' toys - bonus points for the Chinese
'chop suey' glasses. Is it racist if they're
made in China?
http://snipurl.
>> Every bugger's farted <<
The secret of great websites isn't what you
make, it's what you select. Case in point:
http://everybuggers
>> Hannah Montana's linux distro <<
Remember Britney Spears' Guide to Semiconductor
Physics? The "girlie popstar + geeky thing" joke
is back and this time it's very lightly
customised Miley Cyrus version of Ubuntu. You
might like to try a variation of this joke
yourself, say Lindsay Lohan's ZX Spectrum
emulator.
http://snipurl.
>> Best of Wikipedia <<
We enjoy nothing better than fishing out odd
facts on wikipedia to feel really clever, like
we could go on QI and win - assuming Stephen
Fry let us look up every answer on our phones.
Here's some great starting points tho:
http://bestofwikipe
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine youtube died and only left 6 vids
>> Cat animation <<
Simon's Cat is a series of animations drawn by
Simon Tofield. We've featured them before, but
there's a new one and it's completely
wonderful. Simon has a book coming out and, to
be honest, we wouldn't be surprised if there
won't be a film or a TV series one day. This is
a cat with legs.
http://www.simonsca
>> The Rolling Stones are back! <<
Oooh. Newish idea for a joke here. Take a pop
video and record your own lip-syncing audio.
We've seen it done before with people playing
out-of-tune guitar solos and grunting, but
never entirely new lyrics. Why not have a go
yourself?
http://www.stsander
>> This is what an adult kiss is like...? <<
Proving once and for all why snogging people
and rolling your tongues around is freaky and
wrong. Actually, play this to some 10 year-olds
and put them off kissing for life.
http://snipurl.
>> Captain Kirk climbing a mountain <<
One of those "chop up the audio and mix with a
beat" video remix thingies. But full of the
proverbial win, as Shatner says such
extraordinary stuff.
http://www.youtube.
>> Geek Love Rap <<
Dale Chase describes himself as a "music lovin'
audio engineer, beatmaker, and fledgling
coder." Weirdly sincere for a something that's
meant to be a joke.
http://www.youtube.
>> Does your car make too much noise? <<
Then try kitten mittens. Lovely, simple gag.
From a trailer for "It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia" which we've never bothered
watching but just checked out on IMDB and it's
got a 9.6 rating so probably should download an
episode or two.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Bum-bum poo-poo tee-hee
* SCROTUM - "This website logo looks like a
scrotum," chortles the RevJB, giving us a
clearer mental image of his scrotum than we'd
hitherto enjoyed.
http://www.watermel
* JOE BASTARDI - Accuweather'
correspondent. Wonder what his ancestors did
for a living.
http://snipurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kitten Sports Challenge
Last week we wanted you celebrate sporting
kittens.
Your favourites included:
* RELAY - going for Olympic kitty gold, and not
a dropped baton in sight (Sheep!)
http://www.b3ta.
* CURLING - Scottish sport gets feline makeover
(Lherkin)
http://www.b3ta.
* FLIGHT - classic image improved by the
addition of hang-glider (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Save Teletext <<
They are shutting down Teletext in 2010, even
though it is amazing and much better than the
internet. The challenge? To design new features
which could save it. Challenge suggested by
Monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHRISTOPHER BROOKMYER - Scottish crime
writing legend Brookmyer is a fan of "geeky
site" b3ta, according to this week's Media
Guardian.
http://www.b3ta.
* PAPER CUP v NORMAL CUP - Chazz writes, "I
don't know about paper versus regular plates
but there was a test done on coffee cups some
years back which determined that it took as
much energy/resources to wash a cup as it did
to make 1.4 disposable cups. If you wash your
cup every other day, paper costs more."
* MUSSOLINI'S TRAINS - Turns out he didn't make
them run on time after all. Just another of
them there urban myths.
http://www.snopes.
* AMAZON'S SALVIA - "Why would Amazon NOT sell
salvia?" asks FunkYourself. "It's legal to buy,
sell and possess. Not to take though - just for
collectors. Check out the little stoner-geek
R2D2 under related though!"
http://www.amazon.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOWEST SCORE CHART - "A gaming site which
records scores, but instead the idea is to get
the LOWEST score possible yet complete the
game." (via @CutmanMike)
* LCD PISS TARGETS - "Games for urinals, is it
possible to make an electronic display for a
urinal that when you wee on it you fill a
virtual balloon?" We'd also like to pee on
Jamie Oliver's face and have him slurp it up.
(via @executiverocker)
* ISITCORRECT.
check other 'isit...' sites eg,
itiscorrect.
@gshutler)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
------------
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @thelimopit,
Potatan, timgow, Dave Gormarno, @npfiii,
@farted, @Swineshead, @geekixRT, @oceanhippie,
@DanCall, Rev.JB, @robertpopper, Lord_Munkee,
@ElectricSpectre, beckyjsbx, rodney mcplum.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Dumbshit.
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I just wanked myself into oblivion. The staff
at Alton Towers are fucking furious.
http://www.sickiped
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